Just wanted to start getting my thoughts out of my head and into this journal in the hope that something can help me through this rollercoaster. The first few days are such a blur that I'm unable to remember what I discovered on each day etc. DDay1 Wednesday 25th July - I discovered 'milf' sites on his phone and he told me it was because he'd got involved in 'lads banter' in the works mess room. Made him sleep downstairs that night, I was in denial, told him I was going to leave. DDay 2/3/4- the lies continued saying it was only a one off etc etc, made husband sleep downstairs again that night. At some point during these days I found ways of looking at his search history and deleted messages etc. It was then I discovered a Facebook Messenger Group which he was part of. It was men from work sending explicit images, videos etc and making explicit comments about them too. His reaction was he didn't know how to get out of the group, he didn't know how to delete the videos without watching them first and he didn't make any comments within the group. Turns out; he did know how to leave the group, he could delete the messages and he did make comments. I still told him I was going to leave, told him to leave, said I would stay and play happy families for the sake of our girls etc etc. DDay 5 - I found a software that I could use to retrieve all deleted information on his phone. As I was waiting for the software to install i asked him one last time if there was anything he wanted to tell me or if he'd prefer I found out using the software. It was then he told me about his porn use (see my previous post in the other thread) I just looked at him and said you have a problem. Later that afternoon I met with a very close friend who I decided to tell what had been going on and that I was thinking of leaving my husband. I returned home. DDay 6/7 - slowly we talked and both of us started to look more through the posts in this forum. My husband made an appointment to see our Dr so he could ask where to go for counselling and he started writing a journal. DDay 8 - my husband went to the Drs (I was there with him) he told him that he felt he'd got an addiction to porn and needed help. A few hours later the Dr phoned back with a number for relate and a specialist company to also contact too. We were lucky in that our children could spend the day with family which gave us the chance to talk. Since last Wednesday my husband hadn't been back to work. He's continued to write his journal, has told me his worries, anxieties and the reasons why he thinks he has turned to porn. We have made a start on our boundaries and consequences too. DDay 9 - my husband returns back to work today. He has found a phone that he can only use for messaging and phoning (no access to social media at all) and got a sim that doesn't allow access to mobile date etc. He has gone to work and left his own phone in the drawer at home. He's said he's going to tell me honestly about his day and his thoughts and actions etc. So through his journal and telling me direct I have found out that * he first discovered porn in his Grandads bedroom; magazines * he brought magazines and watched explicit films with his friends when he was 15/16/17 * we got together when I was 17 and he was 18 and he said at this point he could go months between watching it and other times it would be once a week. * when we were trying for our daughters we both had to have lots of tests. One of his sperm samples came back as poor quality and he's said that since then he's felt like this has made him less of a man and felt the need to prove to me and himself that he is. It was at this point I first discovered his poem viewing * during a family holiday around 3 years ago he suffered with ED. I discovered his porn use again and the tablets he had been taking. He said he turned to tablets and excessive porn use to try and prove to himself that everything still worked. * he's said he's finding extra responsibilities and pressures at work difficult to manage and has used porn as an escape * he's told me he feels uncomfortable about his body and that he wants to try and lose weight and live a healthier and more active lifestyle. He's said that he's seen how I have lost weight (not through trying) and that he feels fatter etc in comparison. * he's told me that during my previous discoveries I'd probably been too forgiving on him so he felt he could go back to the porn so easily. * nearly 3 years ago I had to give up my job due to having a bad back which was made significantly worse from a car crash. He encouraged me to give up work so that it would give my back time to heal. He's admitted that this gave him a feeling of me being dependant on him and therefore he could do whatever he wanted! * he's told me that he's searched for certain famous women on Inatagram and Facebook * he's told me that he does masturbate to porn, sometimes 2/3 times a week but always thinks about me before reaching the point of orgasm. * he watches porn to see if he can still get erections and constantly thinks are they hard enough and do they still stay hard for as long. * when we've had sex he looks to see how much stuff is in the condom * sometimes if I've orgasmed during sex on a morning and he hasn't he'll later watch porn at work. * if he feels we're likely to have sex on that evening he might watch porn during the day to show himself that things are still working I've told him my boundaries so far; 1. No more lying about anything- if he's having any thoughts or temptations I'd rather know and try and work through them asvhard as this may be rather than live a lie. If there's one more lie I have said I will leave him and I will follow through with this. 2. No more porn because if he does I will also leave. So my worry is am I being to strict with him by asking for these boundaries and am I setting him up to fail?' He has said that he doesn't know what mode to go for when working through his recovery. Part of him wants to only give me pleasure, part of him wants to be able to have sex with me. I feel so confused as I long to have sex with him too but I think if I allow this to happen it's like I'm still rewarding his addiction??!! Today he is hopefully phoning relate to arrange an appointment. Today he is hopefully walking away from situations that trigger his problem. Today he will hopefully be true to himself and to my girls and I. Today hopefully he will want to change for the right reasons. Today hopefully he wont lie and will tell me his thoughts, feelings and actions when he gets home from work and our 2 daughters are settled in bed, no matter how hard, embarrassing, shameful etc they are to say or hear. Today will hopefully be our first step on a never ending journey of recovery Today I hope hoping will be enough.