One step at a time

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by mavis2805, Aug 2, 2018.

  1. mavis2805

    mavis2805 Fapstronaut

    Just wanted to start getting my thoughts out of my head and into this journal in the hope that something can help me through this rollercoaster.

    The first few days are such a blur that I'm unable to remember what I discovered on each day etc.

    DDay1 Wednesday 25th July - I discovered 'milf' sites on his phone and he told me it was because he'd got involved in 'lads banter' in the works mess room. Made him sleep downstairs that night, I was in denial, told him I was going to leave.

    DDay 2/3/4- the lies continued saying it was only a one off etc etc, made husband sleep downstairs again that night. At some point during these days I found ways of looking at his search history and deleted messages etc. It was then I discovered a Facebook Messenger Group which he was part of. It was men from work sending explicit images, videos etc and making explicit comments about them too. His reaction was he didn't know how to get out of the group, he didn't know how to delete the videos without watching them first and he didn't make any comments within the group.
    Turns out; he did know how to leave the group, he could delete the messages and he did make comments. I still told him I was going to leave, told him to leave, said I would stay and play happy families for the sake of our girls etc etc.

    DDay 5 - I found a software that I could use to retrieve all deleted information on his phone. As I was waiting for the software to install i asked him one last time if there was anything he wanted to tell me or if he'd prefer I found out using the software.
    It was then he told me about his porn use (see my previous post in the other thread) I just looked at him and said you have a problem.
    Later that afternoon I met with a very close friend who I decided to tell what had been going on and that I was thinking of leaving my husband.
    I returned home.

    DDay 6/7 - slowly we talked and both of us started to look more through the posts in this forum. My husband made an appointment to see our Dr so he could ask where to go for counselling and he started writing a journal.

    DDay 8 - my husband went to the Drs (I was there with him) he told him that he felt he'd got an addiction to porn and needed help. A few hours later the Dr phoned back with a number for relate and a specialist company to also contact too. We were lucky in that our children could spend the day with family which gave us the chance to talk. Since last Wednesday my husband hadn't been back to work.
    He's continued to write his journal, has told me his worries, anxieties and the reasons why he thinks he has turned to porn. We have made a start on our boundaries and consequences too.

    DDay 9 - my husband returns back to work today. He has found a phone that he can only use for messaging and phoning (no access to social media at all) and got a sim that doesn't allow access to mobile date etc. He has gone to work and left his own phone in the drawer at home. He's said he's going to tell me honestly about his day and his thoughts and actions etc.

    So through his journal and telling me direct I have found out that
    * he first discovered porn in his Grandads bedroom; magazines
    * he brought magazines and watched explicit films with his friends when he was 15/16/17
    * we got together when I was 17 and he was 18 and he said at this point he could go months between watching it and other times it would be once a week.
    * when we were trying for our daughters we both had to have lots of tests. One of his sperm samples came back as poor quality and he's said that since then he's felt like this has made him less of a man and felt the need to prove to me and himself that he is. It was at this point I first discovered his poem viewing
    * during a family holiday around 3 years ago he suffered with ED. I discovered his porn use again and the tablets he had been taking. He said he turned to tablets and excessive porn use to try and prove to himself that everything still worked.
    * he's said he's finding extra responsibilities and pressures at work difficult to manage and has used porn as an escape
    * he's told me he feels uncomfortable about his body and that he wants to try and lose weight and live a healthier and more active lifestyle. He's said that he's seen how I have lost weight (not through trying) and that he feels fatter etc in comparison.
    * he's told me that during my previous discoveries I'd probably been too forgiving on him so he felt he could go back to the porn so easily.
    * nearly 3 years ago I had to give up my job due to having a bad back which was made significantly worse from a car crash. He encouraged me to give up work so that it would give my back time to heal. He's admitted that this gave him a feeling of me being dependant on him and therefore he could do whatever he wanted!
    * he's told me that he's searched for certain famous women on Inatagram and Facebook
    * he's told me that he does masturbate to porn, sometimes 2/3 times a week but always thinks about me before reaching the point of orgasm.
    * he watches porn to see if he can still get erections and constantly thinks are they hard enough and do they still stay hard for as long.
    * when we've had sex he looks to see how much stuff is in the condom
    * sometimes if I've orgasmed during sex on a morning and he hasn't he'll later watch porn at work.
    * if he feels we're likely to have sex on that evening he might watch porn during the day to show himself that things are still working

    I've told him my boundaries so far;
    1. No more lying about anything- if he's having any thoughts or temptations I'd rather know and try and work through them asvhard as this may be rather than live a lie. If there's one more lie I have said I will leave him and I will follow through with this.
    2. No more porn because if he does I will also leave.
    So my worry is am I being to strict with him by asking for these boundaries and am I setting him up to fail?'

    He has said that he doesn't know what mode to go for when working through his recovery. Part of him wants to only give me pleasure, part of him wants to be able to have sex with me. I feel so confused as I long to have sex with him too but I think if I allow this to happen it's like I'm still rewarding his addiction??!!

    Today he is hopefully phoning relate to arrange an appointment.
    Today he is hopefully walking away from situations that trigger his problem.
    Today he will hopefully be true to himself and to my girls and I.
    Today hopefully he will want to change for the right reasons.
    Today hopefully he wont lie and will tell me his thoughts, feelings and actions when he gets home from work and our 2 daughters are settled in bed, no matter how hard, embarrassing, shameful etc they are to say or hear.
    Today will hopefully be our first step on a never ending journey of recovery
    Today I hope hoping will be enough.
  2. mavis2805

    mavis2805 Fapstronaut

    So the more I work my way through today the harder it is getting for me, both physically and mentally.

    I feel as though any moment now I could just drop, I've cried in the middle of the supermarket and instead of going inside my house to unpack my food shopping I'm instead sitting in my car writing this!!!

    It's also hit me hard today that since DDay life hadn't been reality, today had been the first day of stark, harsh, painful reality for me. Today's battles are what I'm going to have to try and overcome on a daily basis, I'm having tea with with parents later, along with my daughters and our husband. They know nothing about what we're going through and it's going to be exhausting trying to get through it!!

    My husband phoned from work earlier today to say that we've got our first counselling session next Tuesday. I know that this is a step in the right direction (hopefully) but I also not I'm so scared of not being able to face what lies ahead as I fear there are still more truths to be uncovered!!

    Oh well, life goes on and hopefully so will I!!
  3. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    You are in the early stages of discovery, your reactions are very normal. I remember the first week was a daze. I made stupid decisions, I lost my babysitting job, and I was a mess, I couldn't even function with my husband in a separate room... my anxiety was sky high.

    So the Help Her Heal videos and some other resources I believe say that if you confess a lie within 24 hours then that is a boundary most SO's make.

    I know for me, if my husband has lied, he better own up to it in 24 hours or there are consequences, like sleeping on the couch, or me moving to the guest room, or me kicking him out, etc.

    Also there can be levels of consequences depending on how many times they've been broken. If he is lying everyday then that is inexcusable and needs a higher consequence versus one lie every 5 months.

    So in my signature there is a boundaries thread that I think would be really helpful to check out. I wish you luck and know that you're not alone and you have the community here!
  4. Reverent

    Reverent Fapstronaut

    First let me say how terribly sorry you are dealing with all this. You as a woman, mother, and partner deserve so much better than this. Your worth is infinite, and it is not your fault.

    I thought I would share some perspective from a recovery PA.

    His directly telling you is remarkable progress, I would worry if you are snooping in a recovery journal to find out more. We need a safe place to be raw and process all of this. Journalling is helpful and healthy, encourage it, respect it. But yes you are very justified in knowing anything at anytime in an honest transparent relationship. No lies, no deception. He must disclose it.

    This tells me 2 things. 1. He was doing porn before you, so it isn't your fault nor does your weaknesses create his. 2. His G-pa had issues, which means he may be biologically predisposed to addictive behavior. Not an excuse, but it may certainly be harder for him to overcome than someone who just has negative habits. It could be in his DNA.

    Again pre-You. He has learned since puberty this arousal template. It is all he knows. It will take intense work to correct his way of thinking. He should become prepared for that.

    This is true, we all have stress. Hell, his spouse is dealing with multiple disclosures, deceipt, deception, and maintaining her roles as mother and wife. That's more stressful than work, yet you don't act out. This lie is so common among PA. I use porn to relax, celebrate, refocus, avoid pain, blah blah blah.. it's a vain rationalization to keep us inslaved and to not admit the reality that we are broke and don't know how to adaquetly cope. Every human has stress, he is nothing special in that regard. Everyone doesn't have to self destruct.

    It's not your fault. Hold your line this time. It's difficult because what you really want is: for this problem to never exist, and things to be healthy and normal. It's painful to maintain boundaries. He can no more walk over you because of your kind nature. He has to feel you stand up.

    Such selfish entitlement! Discusting. PA focus so much on their desires we drastically lack empathy.

    This bullet is the saddest and most disgusting one of them all. If he is saying that to save face and somehow show you are most import to him, it's a very weak attempt at salvaging self dignity. If he actually does think of you at every ejaculation, than that is so dispicable. It would be better if he said, I beat it to some nameless broad who is only pixels and fantasy to me, but if he actually includes you in his self misery it is disturbing. He must be objectifying you and whorerifing you. I am so sorry.

    too much preoccupation with sex, his needs, his wants. What should it matter, if you are fulfilled and happy why does he need such a magnificent tool? His insecurities stem from too much porn.

    He jeapordizes his employment and your family to self serve at work? As long as his need are met that's all that matters to him.

    He will know if they work when you have sex. If not, that's a journey you will face together, not closed off in some dark closet. He probably prefers the fantasy and pixels to the real thing it seems like. He makes up lame excuses for unhealthy behaviors. He also probably has to rub one out in time to recover knowing he may have sex later that day.

    Being a PA is a selfish and pitiful existence.

    I can see so much denial and fear left in those points youve listed. I hope he comes around for you and your family's and his sake. There is recovery.

    Is he on here, how is he doing?
    It only take one spark of light to dispell any darkness. Good always wins. Hang in there it gets better.
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2018
  5. mavis2805

    mavis2805 Fapstronaut

    I don't know how much more I can take.

    A statement came to the house for one of his store cards. My gut instinct told me to open it, he owes £600. I message him at work to tell him what he's done and that I feel this is a large amount to owe. Then my mind starts racing and I think about his credit card.

    And so another discovery is made, turns out we are in around £4000 worth of debt, or so he says!!?

    I confront him and so the same excuses are made, he's only done it for me and my girls, he hasn't want us to go without etc etc. But those that know me know that I not in the slightest bit money orientated, if we haven't got it I'd rather go without, or I'd rather have days doing things with my family that cost fairly little money.

    Oh and he's all 'confessed' to still taking the tablets for his ED problem!

    So here I am again, alarm bells are ringing and I want nothing more to run away, but what about my girls!!!

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