Day 4. What a lovely way to end the weekend, I'm lounging on my bed, listening to some good old music on the radio, played some games together on my phone, something we enjoyed doing when we started dating. It was the best weekend I've had in 3 weeks, since beginning my new job, my only current point of reference because it's been the highlight of life since moving back home to Port Elizabeth. It was such a great time driving around the old side of Port Elizabeth, reflecting on memories of my SO's getting a different view and perspective of the place I now call home. I am so happy when things are kind of forgotten and we are happy again, when I see that smile and that laugh, the way he smiles with his beautiful eyes... Then we have our talks about how we are feeling and I feel like it brings back the hurt and betrayal and I feel like we are not going to get through this... It breaks my heart so much, it hurts so bad, it feels like we are already over sometimes. The best way to describe it is like having a very close family member pass away, the feeling of never seeing that person again, never getting to touch that person again or feel love from them again. I don't want to lose him. I don't want to lose him. I will continue to fight my fight, I will continue to hate porn. I will not backslide, I will win my husband, my life, my life partner back.