One step away from a relapse

I got home today and it was finally the weekend. I finally had time to myself to do whatever I wanted. And so, of course, with all this sudden free time and the built-up stress of working through the week, I had PMO urges!

However, I decided to do something that I have not done before in order to combat those urges. I decided to cook something in the oven. Sounds weird, right? Let me explain:

I decided to cook myself a pasty and I had 20 minutes before I needed to take it out and eat it. I set a timer and put it in the oven. I then decided to sit down with my Ipad and wait for it to be cooked. In a few minutes time, with my PMO urges so intense, I actually ended up going to my normal go-to porn videos to try and get the best ‘high’ possible. I did not actually start to fap because I knew I had to take this pasty out of the oven, so if I did fap then I would have to clear up afterwards (gross) and by the time I had cleaned up, the pasty would have been burnt and then I would have to clear THAT up!

So I just went through my favourite videos, fast forwarded to the bits that really turned me on, paused them at the right moments and thought ‘Okay, I have everything set up, I’ll fap away, but AFTER eating the pasty’.

So the timer eventually went and I had to put my Ipad down and distance myself (both physically and mentally) from the porn I had prepared. Whilst I was eating my pasty, I (naturally) started thinking about what I had just done. As a pasty takes time to eat, I had time to think. I said to myself ‘Why do I actually want to fap?’ And the answer was: ‘I’m lonely. I’m stressed. I am desperate to make a meaningful relationship with a girl who I find attractive, and desperate to have sex with her.’ When this hit me, I then started to think ‘Well, how will PMO solve my loneliness? How will it help me to find and build a relationship with an attractive girl who likes me and who I like? How will it help me have real sex?’ The answer was, of course, it won’t. PMO will just keep me in a sedated fantasy mood for say, 10-20minutes, then I’ll ejaculate and suddenly all my REAL issues will come flooding back and I will feel 10x worse than before. If I want to stop feeling lonely, to eventually build a relationship with an attractive girl and have sex with her, I have to work at it. I have to work on my personal self, improve my health and well-being, work on my career, work hard at what I do and progress so I will put myself in a likely situation to find an attractive girl who shares similar qualities with me, and be able to handle the situation and get to know her and form a relationship and, eventually, have sex.

Now, I’m not saying I am going to build a relationship with a girl JUST so I can have sex with her. That would be sexual objectification and that is wrong. The point is, I want to get to a situation where I have a meaingful relationship with a girl who I really like, to get to the point where, when we both feel like having sex, we can and enjoy it.

So all this went on in my head whilst eating my pasty and when I had finished it I went straight to my Ipad, immediatelt deleted all the windows I had of porn and came outside for some fresh air and wrote this post. So:

- If you have PMO urges and you know you do not handle them well at the moment, do something that will make you snap out of it (e.g. cook something and set a timer so when it goes off and it is ready to eat your conscious takes over and makes you take it out and eat it, allowing enough time for you to think about the situation and snap ounof it)

- Usually we resort to porn as a means of dulling out our REAL problems (e.g. mine are loneliness and a desire to have sex [I’m a virgin])

- We need to realise that fapping will NOT solve our real problems

- When we realise what our real problems are, we HAVE to think of and work on solutions to that problem (e.g. I’m lonely and want sex, so my goals could be to be more healthy and more mentally stable, and to be polite to the girls I meet - not with the sole intent of having sex with one of them but to form a meaningful relationship with one whom I reallt like so we can both enjoy sex when we BOTH feel like having it)

- Get outside and just take in the world around us - the REAL world- not the world in the corner of our bedroom, toilet etc. Where we fap away to fantasy

Last thing:

Watch a film called American Beauty. The film explores different ideas of what beauty is (some characters think beauty is appearance, some think beauty is what is inside of us, some think beauty is just appreciating the small moments of life around us, like the wind, or sand, or birds chirping). The film has helped me become mentally healthier because it has helped me to appreciate the small moments of beauty in my life, moments which I ended up not appreciating for many years. Maybe the film can help you to:

Here’s a scene from the film (do not worry, the scene does not have any real spoilers)





P.S. if you read all of this, you’re a hero!