One week from the big win!

Discussion in 'Success Stories' started by rockslide, May 22, 2019.

  1. rockslide

    rockslide Fapstronaut

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    I just fought off a very strong, and one of the only, close calls I’ve had to a relapse since I started my recovery, the thing that brought me back was checking my profile and seeing that badge “83 days no PM”... one week until the 90 dream!

    My addiction was mainly porn, but that often extended to online chat rooms with other men, Hookup apps, pic trading, and on three occasions since I met my wife... actual encounters with other men.

    I tried and failed so many times to beat it in secret, it always made me feel terrible, but then the guilt of my actions would lead to stress, and the stress would lead me right back to craigslist.

    After over a month of reducing it to just hetero porn in January, something snapped one day and I hopped on one of the hookup apps with a fresh new fake email address, messaged the first guy in my area that was online... and half an hour later I was in his room performing oral sex on him. I stopped for a moment right after it started, I thought about my wife, my kids (2YO and 4 month old at the time), I wondered if they would ever forgive me if they learned what I was doing... if they knew what I really was like deep down... my future flashed before my eyes, but not a future of divorce, lonely weekends and missing big moments of the kids growing up, and depression that I had thrown away what makes me happy.. no I didn’t see the life I was heading towards, I saw the life I was throwing away!

    I saw anniversaries, giant birthday parties and family gatherings, my kids graduating and teaching them to drive! It was the kick in the teeth I needed to grow up and fight my way out of that cycle, whatever it takes, no matter the cost. I ran back to my hotel (working out of town), had a good long cry in the shower while I psyched myself up to tear down the castle of secrets and lies that I had built up over the last years.

    Sending my wife that “we need to talk” message was harder than getting on one knee with that ring in my pocket, it was harder than the first I love you, it was, at the time, the hardest thing I had ever willingly subjected myself to in my life.

    Fast forward a little, I initially only told her that I was addicted to porn and that there had been sexual encounters with men in my past, before her. After pondering that partial disclosure and having a few weeks of sobriety to get my mind right, I decided that I had to tell her EVERYTHING, it was the only way to be free.

    We saw a therapist for a while, worked on things, and I gave her a disclosure with the whole uncensored truth of where my addiction had taken me during our relationship. This woman, this wonderful, beautiful, incredible INCREDIBLE woman that married me... she held my hand and looked me in the eye while I cried through my confession, she touched my face and whispered words of love. She saw how badly I wanted to change and gave me the benefit of the doubt that I didn’t even know how to give to myself anymore.

    We came out of this with a new closeness, a better sex life, and a deeper happiness than we have ever known together.

    I don’t know what it was last night that triggered me so close to a relapse. We had a small argument that lead to me storming out to work, and after a subpar day at work and coming home to kids already fussing early in the morning was all just enough for me to crave some relief, but then I saw that badge, I looked at my family all back in bed, and I remembered why this is so important.

    I’m a week away from 90 days of sobriety, no porn, no masturbation, just healthy love for myself and my family. It’s a place I literally didn’t think was even possible for me 6 months ago. I was honestly incapable of imagining a realistic outcome that had this much light in it! But look at me now, a week away from 90 days!

    You can beat this. You should beat this, no matter how loudly the voice in your head says you don’t have to. Think about what matters to you, focus on it, go for it, you are worth the effort it takes to get out of your addiction, the life waiting for you at the other end of that tunnel is worth the effort. Don’t relapse, and if you do, stop and ask yourself why you don’t want to relapse again, then remind yourself of that reason every day until you can’t recognize the life you had before you fought your way into the life you want, the life you deserve, the life that is better than you ever imagined.
     
  2. hitnmis

    hitnmis Fapstronaut

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    KEEP GOING!
     
    rockslide likes this.
  3. Wow my friend amazing story u appreciate you for this. I'm proud that you are almost at 90 days. After the 90 days never look back
     
    need4realchg and rockslide like this.
  4. This is incredible. I am glad you beat your addiction with the help of your wife
     
    rockslide likes this.
  5. Overcomer777

    Overcomer777 Fapstronaut

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    Awesome testimony! Keep going and thanks for giving us hope through your journey!
     
    rockslide likes this.
  6. The Bink

    The Bink Fapstronaut

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    Wow what a great read. I hope the best for you, your wife and your kids in the future. Don't ever let that poison enter your life again.
     
    need4realchg and Overcomer777 like this.
  7. Harry do different

    Harry do different New Fapstronaut

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    From today my journey started for atleast 10 day. Today is day 1
     
    Indurian and Jay Aw like this.
  8. Jay Aw

    Jay Aw Fapstronaut

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    I know that you can make through the last week. You've made it so far in your journey. It's just moments for the victory. All the best!! ;-)
     
    Harry do different likes this.
  9. parad0x

    parad0x Fapstronaut

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    Congrats, how did you end up partaking in homosexual activity ? Was it escalation ?
     
  10. rockslide

    rockslide Fapstronaut

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    Yes. I had some experiences from my youth and childhood that I had kept a secret from everyone, my only significant male partner that I ever had died in a car accident when we were teenagers and I buried that secret.

    As I allowed my porn addiction to run it’s course during my relationship, I started to act out through chat rooms and dating apps, and I would rationalize the behaviour as “not as bad” as cheating because it didn’t involve women and I told myself that I was a victim of my own circumstances. On two occasions, I allowed it to escalate into physical encounters, and after the second one (which was almost 4 years after the first), I decided that the guilt of my actions was too heavy for me to carry and hide from my family. I tore down the walls of secrecy that I had built around myself, I didn’t care if it would destroy the life I had, my freedom was worth the risk.
     
    need4realchg likes this.
  11. Thanks for posting this. The last paragraph just got me out of a hole.
     
    jblaze129, rockslide and need4realchg like this.
  12. Zapster21

    Zapster21 Fapstronaut

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    Great post and happy to see that you have reached 90 days! Great job my friend. Hope you and your family will have all the happiness in the world
     
    rockslide and Harry do different like this.
  13. stoneyman22

    stoneyman22 Fapstronaut

  14. Harry do different

    Harry do different New Fapstronaut

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  15. Lot Yanisin

    Lot Yanisin Fapstronaut

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    that's a helluva wife
     
    rockslide likes this.
  16. Wow. Rocketing testimony. You have a storybook tale with a Hollywood ending. The best part your shared it right here on nofap. I’m glad for these other guys to see what love can do too. It’s amazing that it can conquer more than pain if given a chance.

    Good for not letting fear rule you.
     
    rockslide, stoneyman22 and The Bink like this.
  17. 5adn8m8

    5adn8m8 Fapstronaut

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    Your story proves that when you've got a will you've got a way. Thank you for sharing your inspiring story. You've been so brave and you set a good example for us. good luck.
     
    rockslide and stoneyman22 like this.

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