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online dating is thoroughly demoralizing experience

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by end_it_for_good, Oct 17, 2018.

  1. end_it_for_good

    end_it_for_good Fapstronaut

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    So my erection problems are going away by eating better, walking more and getting better sleep. I am going to start dating again soon. The big thing that seems to make you win at online dating is photos. I put fake male photos of an attractive man on my profile and a well written bio, I got hundreds of matches very quickly. So, I'm just working on eating really clean so I don't have water weight bloat and my face thins down, then i'm taking photos with a pro photographer and a couple of friends. Then I'll be able to have hundreds of matches. It will be a lot of work, but frankly a different world.
     
    RightEffort likes this.
  2. AUTiger7222

    AUTiger7222 Fapstronaut

    It's sad that you've got to be fake to get people to talk to you. Says so much about how horrendous online dating is and why I stopped wasting money on it years ago.
     
  3. end_it_for_good

    end_it_for_good Fapstronaut

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    i should have elaborated. i did that to see if online dating was broken or if i was. i'll be swapping those photos out to be me.
     
    RightEffort likes this.
  4. That's the conclusion I've also reached. I'm seeing a psychologist (independently of the marriage counselor) and we're trying to find a way for me to be confident and comfortable in myself. I think I was up-front pretty early on that I would NOT enter the jungle that is online dating because I'm not someone who competes well in that environment. I'm 168cm (5'6) and a majority of women look at height as a requirement there. Add to that I've probably taken four selfies (primarily as an experiment) and photos of me doing 'fun activities' don't translate well when I go to the gym and am undertaking a Math Bridging Course.

    In person, however, I think I might come across a bit better. I couldn't be certain of it, but I think a few women (girls, really) in my class have given me an appraising eye or two. Trying not to read too much into it, but I have spent some time after class studying/talking with one of my fellow students. Also, the height thing seems to be a non-issue, as I'm as tall or taller than most of the females in the class. I think what really works for me is the fact that I'm just throwing myself into a Math course as a 41 year old, stepping WAAAY outside my comfort zone.

    Meet people in the real world - that way you cut down on the possibility of scammers, flakes, chatbots and whatever else is online these days.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 6, 2018
    CH3RRY and Deleted Account like this.
  5. end_it_for_good

    end_it_for_good Fapstronaut

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    i was given the advice by a coach (i've hired a few dating coaches, because i completely missed that part of development in my youth) and one piece of advice that was given that makes a lot of sense to me is to go to events with lots of women and get used to approaching them and connecting on a genuine level for a while (like 4 times a week for 6 months). Not trying to get laid. Not trying to be flirtatious, just talking and connecting. It was really good advice. It makes the process of flirting a lot easier because you are so comfortable around women. Then the confidence and charisma are just layers on top of that foundation of communication. I'm thinking that should be an activity the vast majority of people on these forums should be doing for their first year of recovery. I think it would be a mind blowing experience for many of them.
     
  6. ANJR6

    ANJR6 Fapstronaut

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    People get hooked and crave their dopamine hit. I’m convinced that more than 3/4 of the women on sites like POF are simply there for validation. One gal told me she gets a ‘high’ when she scrolls through her messages. Best thing I’ve done is 1: abstain from PM. 2: Stopped online ‘dating’. P,M, and OD facilitated a lot of complacency. When I stopped, I actually wanted to go out and improve my situation. I actually have a date this Sunday with a lovely woman. Wish me luck. Haha
     
    Ra's Al Ghul likes this.
  7. end_it_for_good

    end_it_for_good Fapstronaut

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  8. Angus McGyver

    Angus McGyver Fapstronaut

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    I can definitely relate to what you are telling here and that's why I cut out online-dating completely two years ago. Having good profile pics (I am very fit and well-groomed by the way) didn't seem to help me one bit as I never got any responses or dates whatsoever.
    It was after that last crushing experience with online dating that I really decided to improve myself and go out meeting people instead.
    I have gained so much more from the latter (in every possible way) so I would suggest to save your time and money by cutting those online-dating services out of your life and go out and meet people instead.
     
  9. end_it_for_good

    end_it_for_good Fapstronaut

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    It's a lot of work, but eventually you can crack the code. smile, use photofeeler.com, and dress well. also look at pics from guys who get lots of matches. To see those. switch to being a woman, set preferences to men. The first couple days of guys have high match rates.

    People are going to complain they don't want to do the work and IRL is better. Sure, probably, but you can make it work. I got my account up to 128 matches in a week after for months having zero. I think the top performers on those sites put a lot of work in too. Then you can sort of have the choice of who you want. It's a little like a cheat code to getting first dates
     
  10. hey man I enjoyed reading your journal thank you for sharing it with us.

    Few things felt like sharing.

    1. I am super impressed by your determination to figure out the online thing - It says alot about you and your ability to overcome obstacles. loved the testing your doing to see what works and what doesn't work. You could prob write a small book about it and sell it lol

    2. Regarding PEID - if you have your test levels checked and your working out regularly I would suggest your problem is because you have developed an unconscious fear and phobia which brings up this problem - i think if you were to totally accept yourself as you are and take sex lightly and just be more playful about it, it can take the pressure off and let things work naturally.

    If i was told I have to have sex with someone RIGHT NOW It would be alot harder than if i'm just playfully hanging around and kissing a naked girl next to me lol

    just some suggestions I'm not an expert in this but with your determination to figure out online dating and going over 1 year without porn, i'm certain you will figure out whatever you really want to.

    you are a powerhouse and your current challenges with peid/etc does not define your worth
     
    Freefaller and end_it_for_good like this.
  11. end_it_for_good

    end_it_for_good Fapstronaut

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    right on!
     
  12. rob13_

    rob13_ Fapstronaut

    Young women have always had social value just by existing, that's how the world has always run. As men, we have to build our own, and forge ourselves into the greats that we can be.
     
  13. johndoe117

    johndoe117 Fapstronaut

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    Online dating is Bad for Men, female dating is improved with more potential mates, online dating brings hundreds or thousands of men sending them messages, before the internet, there were no women who had hundreds of men hitting on them online.

    Men should Boycott Online dating. Go to a bar, be 1 of 5 guys who hit on her, not 1 of 100. Also women IRL are more attractive. P has conditioned us to have separate standards for women on a screen that women IRL.
     
    Ra's Al Ghul likes this.
  14. Freefaller

    Freefaller Fapstronaut

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    I read through the first page and a bit of the rest but it sounds like we are in the same boat.

    Online dating is a pain in the ass. For the first few days or even weeks, I had 0 matches but I stuck with it. I started to finally match with a few women but it would honestly be more exciting to watch paint dry. These chicks are SO boring and hardly ever reciprocate conversation. Its so annoying.
     
    RightEffort likes this.
  15. Ridley

    Ridley Fapstronaut

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    Sounds like a good reason for staying away. Regardless of what your moral stance on it is, if you feel gross about it then don't see her anymore. That's not how it's supposed to feel when you have that type of connection with someone.

    As for online dating platforms, I think they exist mostly to make money. I know a few people who have had some success with them (that's how my mom met her current husband), but all of them are over the age of 50. I think it works out well for older people who know exactly what they're looking for, but not as well for younger people who are still trying to find themselves. If it makes you feel frustrated, it's not worth your time at all. Just focus on bettering yourself as an individual. You mentioned you were going to events. I'd keep doing that if I were you. That's a great way to meet people who share your interests. Not just women, but all sorts of people.
     
    Last edited: Dec 13, 2018
    Angus McGyver likes this.
  16. end_it_for_good

    end_it_for_good Fapstronaut

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    that is also true. even if you can get the photos which pull women. They are at least in my area, very mainstream. I've also found they have lots of options, so they can become selfish in not returning interest and communication. I've also learned to just get them on a date quickly. Forget talking online forever. It's a learning process. I'm in the process of getting better with women anyway so the online thing is actually helpful.
     
  17. This is what happens when you don't show up as much as you used too...

    I've long debated whether to hire a dating coach once my divorce is finalised. Either that or attend a 'boot camp'. Clearly my lack of dating experience is something that has hurt me throughout my life, and while I'm getting a lot of parts of my life 'in check' (going to the gym, eating better, going back to study), my lack of success with women is one of the two millstones around my neck. (the other is a lack of confidence)

    My concerns are that a coach/instructor will take one look at me and say "go approach that average-looking girl in jeans and t-shirt over there". I don't want 'jeans and t-shirts' girls - I've had that, and they just don't make an effort. The only time I want a woman wearing jeans and t-shirt is on a motorcycle or at a Def Leppard concert.

    Actually, it's not dissimilar to why we're here - it's a dopamine hit for them. "Hey, 570 guys want to put their dick in me!" #smileyface

    I haven't bothered joining a website recently, and have no intentions to do so now. In fact, were I to hire a coach, that would probably be one of my stipulations.

    Also, I have no social media presence, so it would be really hard to connect with me. I'm currently in a Mathematics course, and I'm at least 15 years older than the next-youngest student. They don't even text anymore - it's all Facebook.

    That's great to hear! I wish I had the time and cojones to go out and actually talk to people.

    Given that I've had people in chatrooms end conversations based on my age (41), height (168cm/5'6), or seeing my picture (I'll include a 'good' one below), I'm not sure what you or anyone else could suggest that would suddenly make me jump to the top of any woman's list, unless we're talking sugar daddy sites.

    Brad 02.jpg

    Chat hard, chat fast, be literate, yet up-front with your desires. If she's not down to... whatever you're into, politely say good night and keep on truckin'.

    I understand that, I just consider that too much work, even if I'm doing whilst on the toilet.
     
  18. end_it_for_good

    end_it_for_good Fapstronaut

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    online dating actually gets easier as you cross 40. there are a lot more women. people are going to complain that the odds aren't in their favor on online dating and that all women are scum. well... we are in a forum of people who masturbate too much so i'm assuming most don't succeed at online dating. well, the truth is that women experience online dating as annoying because they have to sort through so many guys. there are a lot of low quality guys on these sites, so if your photos look top quality and you communicate like a normal human you'll actually get tons of matches. i do. i get loads. about 100 per week. its all photos. so i wouldn't listen to the complainers. also i wouldn't do a boot camp, get a real dating coach. the boot camps are for pickup artists, which is a very weird little niche that doesn't lead people to actual fulfillment. it's mostly marketing to get people to spend 6 k on a weekend. it's much better to get somebody to walk you through the process of meeting real people.

    also, this probably is going to sound overly harsh, but you look about 20lbs over weight. if you slim down your face will slim down and you'll have a chisled jaw line. I've noticed that the jaw line through body fat percentage is the easiest way to look more attractive. it's really simple. weight lift with compound exercises 2x/week and eat at a 10% calorie deficit of whole foods. It's some work, but it makes dating higher quality women easier like you mentioned you want to
     
  19. Angus McGyver

    Angus McGyver Fapstronaut

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    As I said in my previous post; forget about those online-dating sites and go out and talk to random people instead. It will do good for your social-skills, body language, confidence and also widen your perspective of life when meeting lots of people whose backgrunds differs from yours (whether it might be on a racial/ethnic, cultural, religious, political, or socio-economic level).
    Also remember, that even if you are not that tall, you can still be fit, confident, have a good body-language and have all the alpha-male qualities in the book. Your height is something that shouldn't bother you too much as you can't control it. You just have to accept that fact and work with whatever God and nature has given you.
    Working on your physique (through a healthy diet and exercise), body language and social skills will do a lot for the improvement of your overall life-quality.
     
  20. I don't think all women are scum, but I don't want to end up with having the choice of nothing but no-initiative slackers with kids and a nicotine habit. I admit I spent over a decade not really 'focused' on anything, but that's because I was trying to be a good provider for my wife. Even at the cost of my interests, hobbies and happiness. Furthermore, at present I'm less interested in an actual relationship than something casual.

    Harsh is good. I like hearing things like that because it acts as a counterbalance to things my Trainer says to encourage me, going on about my improvements. It also bolsters my own arguments about my appearance. I actually have a calorie deficit (not as good at present because of classes) and go to the gym several times a week (presently 3, but usually 5). I understand that things take time, but I'd much rather have a dedicated outline rather than what feels at times ad-hoc with my Trainer. She has constantly tried to discourage me from focusing on my appearance as a reason for coming to the gym, and as much as it's great to be fit and all, looking hot was what encouraged me to start, and it's what keeps me coming back.

    There's that 'confidence' thing people here talk about.
     

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