ImprovingDutch
Fapstronaut
Hi everyone!
I started reading a book called The Porn Trap and the first chapter made me think about what actually were my first encounters with porn and sexuality, how they were talked about at home, and how this all may have led to my issues with pornography and sexuality in general. I firmly believe that it is very helpful to understand the root of the issue in order to be able to deal with it. Besides, talking about these things helps take the pressure off the topic and possibly reduce or eliminate feelings of shame we may feel towards ourselves.
My aim with this thread is to create an open and safe discussion where we can open up about our first encounters with these topics which can hopefully lead to a better personal understand of the issue and maybe also a place where people can recognise that their experiences are shared by others.
Let me start off with the memories I got today. My very first encounter with porn must've been around the age of 5 I believe. My first bedroom was adjacent to the living room and I had one of those plastic accordion doors. My dad would often spend the evening before bed in the living room sitting in front of the couch (not on the couch lol) watching TV, drinking wine, to decompress. Often he'd fall asleep doing this, until waking up some time later to turn off the TV and go to bed.
One night, I woke up from the sound I think, and I opened up the door an inch to peak what was going on in the living room and saw a porn scene on the TV while my dad was asleep at the couch. He wasn't actually watching it, but this was at the time when TV channels would still broadcast porn after midnight (this is around 20 years ago) so he probably fell asleep while watching some series or movie and it switched to adult programming after midnight. Of course I didn't understand what I was seeing. I thought the two people were for some reason naked and stuck in each other, getting to get unstuck, but it definitely left an imprint in my memory.
At home, we didn't really talk about sexuality or pornography. Everything I learnt about sex was through friends. I think when I was around 9 or 10, I started learning from friends what erections were, that a vagina was not just for peeing, and eventually we found porn games with some friends one day after school. Of course, for kids, everything that isn't talked about seems off-limits so it becomes extra exciting because it must be something very special and secretive because nobody had ever told me about it.
At the same time, I learnt about masturbation through the boys locker room talks during PE and this launched my now almost 14 years of PMO. In the very beginning, I was once caught masturbating in the living room by my mum (idfk what I was thinking), which was a really shameful situation, enough to make me sink in embarrassment and self hate when I think about that memory. I made up a lie that it was itchy any I guess my parents played along and there was never a word spoken about it. Result: I learnt masturbation is something you can't do everywhere and shouldn't be talked about, i.e. it's something that should be done in secret and thus is something shameful.
All these events set the stage to a view that sex and masturbation are something secret, a kind of hidden pleasure that I wasn't supposed to know about or talk about and that I should feel ashamed of it. Obviously, this led to a vicious circle: masturbating and watching porn was extra exciting and stimulating because it was "forbidden". At the same time, it was also something to be ashamed about, so it'd smack down my self esteem, making me feel bad and craving the numbing high even more. I think this feeling of shame is what got most of us here and is what is keeping those who haven't succeeded yet here.
I grew up with very little space to explore and rebel, so porn became my tool of rebellion. It became a game for me. Before my parents came to say goodnight, I'd try to get a quick orgasm. By the age of 12, I was already so hooked I had a hard time getting orgasms, I had to cover myself under my blanket while going it to mask my panting from how had I had to work to get there. When I'd get home from school, I would look up videos and do some PMO before my parents would come home. I would get into very messed up genres of porn already at the age of 12, and that escalated to an all time low when I was probably 17, which I don't feel comfortable talking about and probably also shouldn't.
Fast forward to today, now I'm almost 25, all this has led to so much unnecessary trouble. I feel numb all the time, I often don't have the motivation to do the things I need to do, I participated in hookup culture for years and engaged in unsafe sex without thinking, sleeping with people I had just met that participated in unsafe sex, all things I regret. My self esteem is so extremely low and I feel a lot of hate towards myself. I keep ending up with women that treat me like a option and use me, while I get too intimidated to approach the right women for me.
After a nice 9 day streak, I didn't get enough sleep yesterday and that undermined my willpower, leading to a two day binge. After finishing my binge today, I realised what gets me hooked: the ego boost it gives me. Fantasising I'm the guy and the woman making encouraging remarks taps right into my negative self image. It makes me feel worthy, sexy, wanted, manly and appreciated. It makes me forget about how I feel unattractive and unwanted, and allows me to imagine the things I deep down inside want to hear.
I feel so ashamed of my porn addiction. I feel uncomfortable talking about sex and when it gets to that point with a woman, I'd rather just go it and not talk about it. I don't feel comfortable being in the moment during sex because I'm scared I'll say something weird and I don't even know anymore what's appropriate or not. Last week, something happened that might become a really important event to kickstart my career, and I realised I need to heal from these behaviours for good, otherwise I'm never going to be able to be the person I want to be.
This is why I'm writing this. I believe the first step is to open up about our shame. Otherwise we'll always carry this around with ourselves and we won't be able to let go. Sometimes I hate myself for the things I've done and watched. Sometimes I wish porn would become illegal or that I could go back in time and stop it from coming into existence. But I realised today that all this is just a product of how I was raised and what I encountered during my childhood. And that now I have become aware, I can start to adjust my views on sex and adopt a healthier view. I now realise I'm not the only one that has gone through these things and that there's nothing to be ashamed of.
I hope that there are others that can relate to my story and I want to invite everyone reading this to join the conversation. Remember, I want this to be a safe and open space. There is no reason to be ashamed, there are always people that can relate to your story and empathise.
I started reading a book called The Porn Trap and the first chapter made me think about what actually were my first encounters with porn and sexuality, how they were talked about at home, and how this all may have led to my issues with pornography and sexuality in general. I firmly believe that it is very helpful to understand the root of the issue in order to be able to deal with it. Besides, talking about these things helps take the pressure off the topic and possibly reduce or eliminate feelings of shame we may feel towards ourselves.
My aim with this thread is to create an open and safe discussion where we can open up about our first encounters with these topics which can hopefully lead to a better personal understand of the issue and maybe also a place where people can recognise that their experiences are shared by others.
Let me start off with the memories I got today. My very first encounter with porn must've been around the age of 5 I believe. My first bedroom was adjacent to the living room and I had one of those plastic accordion doors. My dad would often spend the evening before bed in the living room sitting in front of the couch (not on the couch lol) watching TV, drinking wine, to decompress. Often he'd fall asleep doing this, until waking up some time later to turn off the TV and go to bed.
One night, I woke up from the sound I think, and I opened up the door an inch to peak what was going on in the living room and saw a porn scene on the TV while my dad was asleep at the couch. He wasn't actually watching it, but this was at the time when TV channels would still broadcast porn after midnight (this is around 20 years ago) so he probably fell asleep while watching some series or movie and it switched to adult programming after midnight. Of course I didn't understand what I was seeing. I thought the two people were for some reason naked and stuck in each other, getting to get unstuck, but it definitely left an imprint in my memory.
At home, we didn't really talk about sexuality or pornography. Everything I learnt about sex was through friends. I think when I was around 9 or 10, I started learning from friends what erections were, that a vagina was not just for peeing, and eventually we found porn games with some friends one day after school. Of course, for kids, everything that isn't talked about seems off-limits so it becomes extra exciting because it must be something very special and secretive because nobody had ever told me about it.
At the same time, I learnt about masturbation through the boys locker room talks during PE and this launched my now almost 14 years of PMO. In the very beginning, I was once caught masturbating in the living room by my mum (idfk what I was thinking), which was a really shameful situation, enough to make me sink in embarrassment and self hate when I think about that memory. I made up a lie that it was itchy any I guess my parents played along and there was never a word spoken about it. Result: I learnt masturbation is something you can't do everywhere and shouldn't be talked about, i.e. it's something that should be done in secret and thus is something shameful.
All these events set the stage to a view that sex and masturbation are something secret, a kind of hidden pleasure that I wasn't supposed to know about or talk about and that I should feel ashamed of it. Obviously, this led to a vicious circle: masturbating and watching porn was extra exciting and stimulating because it was "forbidden". At the same time, it was also something to be ashamed about, so it'd smack down my self esteem, making me feel bad and craving the numbing high even more. I think this feeling of shame is what got most of us here and is what is keeping those who haven't succeeded yet here.
I grew up with very little space to explore and rebel, so porn became my tool of rebellion. It became a game for me. Before my parents came to say goodnight, I'd try to get a quick orgasm. By the age of 12, I was already so hooked I had a hard time getting orgasms, I had to cover myself under my blanket while going it to mask my panting from how had I had to work to get there. When I'd get home from school, I would look up videos and do some PMO before my parents would come home. I would get into very messed up genres of porn already at the age of 12, and that escalated to an all time low when I was probably 17, which I don't feel comfortable talking about and probably also shouldn't.
Fast forward to today, now I'm almost 25, all this has led to so much unnecessary trouble. I feel numb all the time, I often don't have the motivation to do the things I need to do, I participated in hookup culture for years and engaged in unsafe sex without thinking, sleeping with people I had just met that participated in unsafe sex, all things I regret. My self esteem is so extremely low and I feel a lot of hate towards myself. I keep ending up with women that treat me like a option and use me, while I get too intimidated to approach the right women for me.
After a nice 9 day streak, I didn't get enough sleep yesterday and that undermined my willpower, leading to a two day binge. After finishing my binge today, I realised what gets me hooked: the ego boost it gives me. Fantasising I'm the guy and the woman making encouraging remarks taps right into my negative self image. It makes me feel worthy, sexy, wanted, manly and appreciated. It makes me forget about how I feel unattractive and unwanted, and allows me to imagine the things I deep down inside want to hear.
I feel so ashamed of my porn addiction. I feel uncomfortable talking about sex and when it gets to that point with a woman, I'd rather just go it and not talk about it. I don't feel comfortable being in the moment during sex because I'm scared I'll say something weird and I don't even know anymore what's appropriate or not. Last week, something happened that might become a really important event to kickstart my career, and I realised I need to heal from these behaviours for good, otherwise I'm never going to be able to be the person I want to be.
This is why I'm writing this. I believe the first step is to open up about our shame. Otherwise we'll always carry this around with ourselves and we won't be able to let go. Sometimes I hate myself for the things I've done and watched. Sometimes I wish porn would become illegal or that I could go back in time and stop it from coming into existence. But I realised today that all this is just a product of how I was raised and what I encountered during my childhood. And that now I have become aware, I can start to adjust my views on sex and adopt a healthier view. I now realise I'm not the only one that has gone through these things and that there's nothing to be ashamed of.
I hope that there are others that can relate to my story and I want to invite everyone reading this to join the conversation. Remember, I want this to be a safe and open space. There is no reason to be ashamed, there are always people that can relate to your story and empathise.
