Well this is my first post. I've stalked the forum as an s.o. to try and learn and understand porn addiction as much as I could. Literally it's a world I never knew existed in the sense that I never really believed it was truly an addiction or something someone, i.e. my bf couldn't stop if he really truly wanted too.
I've been with him a little over 4 years, and honestly as much as I love him I've grown to hate him just as much. From the beginning I've always suspected porn. Most times sex was turned into a marathon of pain for me while he just humped away chasing what ever fantasis were playing on in his head. I questioned him so much , I'm not new to the block as far as sex, but this was the first time a guy made me feel more like an abuse victim than a partner. He would be in the bathroom showering and bathing for 2 hours plus on any given night....this was super strange to me too. It took 2 years in to actually confirm it. He even had the audacity to send a video of him mo-ing to porn that I could clearly hear in the background , but as was the case 1000 times I felt like I was crazy bc he told me no babe that's our video .....blah blah blah....yeah we made a video shoot me now, I never felt bad about it until after discovery after discovery of lie upon lie.
So in 4 years I've tried to get away from him . Honestly I could be friends with him bc other than this porn addiction bs he's an awesome guy. The total package, smart,sexy, kind. The emotional and intellectual connection is boggling to my mind. I've dated a lot of guys and I was engaged 3 separate times and never had I found someone who not only was hot but so f-ing intelligent. As well as someone so f-ing adept at lying to my face and covering his tracks either.
So I could literally write a litany of grievances about what has gone on, but I'm going to just jump in with this last one bc my head is spinning out of control. He joined this forum a few months ago and posted a few nice blah blah blah I'm doing this and that but all of it was basically bs. I bought it once again like a complete f-ing moron. He suffered p.i.e.d, and through half assing his way through a reboot and hiding his acts that actually started to go away some. Not completely but close. And I was estactic , he was really doing something.....yeah he was still finding porn and ways around Qustodio app to feebly attempt porn sites like using Facebook as a sub and to get past the porn filter by clicking links from within fb. (That was a really shitty discovery to make, I mean I read many guys used fb as a psub and accessed porn but I never thought it was able to be undetected . So next up the Spin browser. Worthless shit. He unknown to me created a fake fb account and continued on his merry way to she male, pegging, rape, and cuckold porn. I've actually sort of accepted via online stories of how you start at "normal" porn and then shoot through the ranks until you start questioning your sexuality. Ok that's totally believable when someone can't wake up , take a nap, or go to bed with out pmo . That's hours and hours every day for the last 12 years for him. So....fast forward to the latest acoutrement, I discover once gain he's lied , he's pmo-ing, and low and behold we have fake Gmail accounts set up in which we are now going on craigslist and sending out naked pics to whomever (even better basically showing all of himself including his face which I thought was beyond ridiculous when you are sending this to ppl you have no idea who they are and are presumably local!) As well as graphic and beyond the most explicit emails to them off Craigslist looking to get screwed anally blow random guys. I mean wtf??!! This is where the rest of my world just dropped out. There were probably hundreds of emails exchanged with these ppl. Mostly guys some women I guess, I don't know I couldn't read all of them without wanting to throw up or kill him. I confronted this newest swath of lies and he looks me in the face with his now confused sexual identity crisis take. I think I could be gay or bi he says..... that's fine isay but don't go meeting these nasty ppl and then come back to my face being all I am the only one you want bs. Half my family is gay , I'm down with that, I'd be fine with that but hell no am I having sex with that or a relationship. I mean blowing guys off Craigslist....disease d'jour , no f-ing thanks. He literally is beyond gullible thinking these ppl soliciting sex on a free ad website are clean.....I mean shit is he crazy too and I'm missing that whole factor????!!!! So longer story short I blow up say go be gay ,bi wtf ever , but just get out of my life I'm done with the constant lying and now putting my life in danger of an std or worse. To all of that HE CLAIMS he never acted on it but when he's putting reality into his so called sexts/emails like I can't meet u on this day bc my gf is coming to town , I feel like he is full of bs and lying his ass off yet again. This I can't get out of my head, and I'm making him get and std hiv test done this week. He has no issue and ASSURES me he's clean bc he's NEVER ACTED on his gay dominance et al fantasies. But I literally am at my last breaking point.... especially after crying to me that maybe he's gay/bi whatever.....he's now not. I really cannot take this roller-coaster ride from hell anymore. The worst part about all of this, is I love him like no other guy ever. I can't seem to combine porn addict with the facade,which I feel is way too deep to really be a facade, of this awesome freaking guy. In my mind and heart I keep separating them, to forgive the man I love , but the hatred is rising fast and taking over for the lying asshole of an addict. Literally it's not like a million times I told him fly be free let's be friends. ...and he still interjects his lies in and I am back on the fast train to believing all the bs all over again. It is a vicious cycle on repeat that I'm sick of. So now that I've thrown all that out there, am I completely insane to let him back with me. If his std test is clean I will believe him bc honestly I feel like he'd been raped or killed by now with the shit he was talking with some of those ppl from craigslist. I guess I want the addict opinion bc I need something to hold on to if I am supposed to keep holding on. Or do I have to get him out of my life completely. Where is the end and when is enough trying to hold us together a complete waste of time and life??!!! Also what about those of you who are going through this as an so or hopefully maybe an ex so???!!! I feel like I'm mentally just shot.
I've been with him a little over 4 years, and honestly as much as I love him I've grown to hate him just as much. From the beginning I've always suspected porn. Most times sex was turned into a marathon of pain for me while he just humped away chasing what ever fantasis were playing on in his head. I questioned him so much , I'm not new to the block as far as sex, but this was the first time a guy made me feel more like an abuse victim than a partner. He would be in the bathroom showering and bathing for 2 hours plus on any given night....this was super strange to me too. It took 2 years in to actually confirm it. He even had the audacity to send a video of him mo-ing to porn that I could clearly hear in the background , but as was the case 1000 times I felt like I was crazy bc he told me no babe that's our video .....blah blah blah....yeah we made a video shoot me now, I never felt bad about it until after discovery after discovery of lie upon lie.
So in 4 years I've tried to get away from him . Honestly I could be friends with him bc other than this porn addiction bs he's an awesome guy. The total package, smart,sexy, kind. The emotional and intellectual connection is boggling to my mind. I've dated a lot of guys and I was engaged 3 separate times and never had I found someone who not only was hot but so f-ing intelligent. As well as someone so f-ing adept at lying to my face and covering his tracks either.
So I could literally write a litany of grievances about what has gone on, but I'm going to just jump in with this last one bc my head is spinning out of control. He joined this forum a few months ago and posted a few nice blah blah blah I'm doing this and that but all of it was basically bs. I bought it once again like a complete f-ing moron. He suffered p.i.e.d, and through half assing his way through a reboot and hiding his acts that actually started to go away some. Not completely but close. And I was estactic , he was really doing something.....yeah he was still finding porn and ways around Qustodio app to feebly attempt porn sites like using Facebook as a sub and to get past the porn filter by clicking links from within fb. (That was a really shitty discovery to make, I mean I read many guys used fb as a psub and accessed porn but I never thought it was able to be undetected . So next up the Spin browser. Worthless shit. He unknown to me created a fake fb account and continued on his merry way to she male, pegging, rape, and cuckold porn. I've actually sort of accepted via online stories of how you start at "normal" porn and then shoot through the ranks until you start questioning your sexuality. Ok that's totally believable when someone can't wake up , take a nap, or go to bed with out pmo . That's hours and hours every day for the last 12 years for him. So....fast forward to the latest acoutrement, I discover once gain he's lied , he's pmo-ing, and low and behold we have fake Gmail accounts set up in which we are now going on craigslist and sending out naked pics to whomever (even better basically showing all of himself including his face which I thought was beyond ridiculous when you are sending this to ppl you have no idea who they are and are presumably local!) As well as graphic and beyond the most explicit emails to them off Craigslist looking to get screwed anally blow random guys. I mean wtf??!! This is where the rest of my world just dropped out. There were probably hundreds of emails exchanged with these ppl. Mostly guys some women I guess, I don't know I couldn't read all of them without wanting to throw up or kill him. I confronted this newest swath of lies and he looks me in the face with his now confused sexual identity crisis take. I think I could be gay or bi he says..... that's fine isay but don't go meeting these nasty ppl and then come back to my face being all I am the only one you want bs. Half my family is gay , I'm down with that, I'd be fine with that but hell no am I having sex with that or a relationship. I mean blowing guys off Craigslist....disease d'jour , no f-ing thanks. He literally is beyond gullible thinking these ppl soliciting sex on a free ad website are clean.....I mean shit is he crazy too and I'm missing that whole factor????!!!! So longer story short I blow up say go be gay ,bi wtf ever , but just get out of my life I'm done with the constant lying and now putting my life in danger of an std or worse. To all of that HE CLAIMS he never acted on it but when he's putting reality into his so called sexts/emails like I can't meet u on this day bc my gf is coming to town , I feel like he is full of bs and lying his ass off yet again. This I can't get out of my head, and I'm making him get and std hiv test done this week. He has no issue and ASSURES me he's clean bc he's NEVER ACTED on his gay dominance et al fantasies. But I literally am at my last breaking point.... especially after crying to me that maybe he's gay/bi whatever.....he's now not. I really cannot take this roller-coaster ride from hell anymore. The worst part about all of this, is I love him like no other guy ever. I can't seem to combine porn addict with the facade,which I feel is way too deep to really be a facade, of this awesome freaking guy. In my mind and heart I keep separating them, to forgive the man I love , but the hatred is rising fast and taking over for the lying asshole of an addict. Literally it's not like a million times I told him fly be free let's be friends. ...and he still interjects his lies in and I am back on the fast train to believing all the bs all over again. It is a vicious cycle on repeat that I'm sick of. So now that I've thrown all that out there, am I completely insane to let him back with me. If his std test is clean I will believe him bc honestly I feel like he'd been raped or killed by now with the shit he was talking with some of those ppl from craigslist. I guess I want the addict opinion bc I need something to hold on to if I am supposed to keep holding on. Or do I have to get him out of my life completely. Where is the end and when is enough trying to hold us together a complete waste of time and life??!!! Also what about those of you who are going through this as an so or hopefully maybe an ex so???!!! I feel like I'm mentally just shot.
