This is going to be my journal. I need a place to get my thoughts out. I may give some back round info, but currently that is no my goal. It has been a 9 months since the last DDay, and it will be the last. If it happens again I will leave, no matter how much it hurts and how much I don't want to. Nine months he has been clean of PMO, but we are still stuck in what I feel is early recovery. He hasn't been clean of lying, each lie is a knife to my heart. A wedge between 'us'. Some days I feel there is no 'us'. Some days I feel like there is no 'me' anymore. It has been 16 years of lies and broken promises. 16 years of heartache, of brokenness. I always want to give 'one more chance', think 'this time is different'. And I know this time is different. I have made up my mind that I have had enough abuse. But I will give him a chance to get better and to help us get better too. But knowing that I will not put up with certain things any longer and that I may loose him and everything is causing me to put up walls that I don't want. This distance I've forced up are the opposite of me. I am not outgoing, I don't like to be around people. I keep to myself but with the ones I love I am open, honest, caring. I feel like this wall is destroying me as much as his PMO has. I feel like he is just abstaining to a point, not in true recovery. Not asking himself the hard questions. He has answered some questions but there has been no true disclosure. I feel stuck. I feel like he hides from himself and is afraid to dig deeper. Afraid of what he will find out if he looks. Afraid what I will think if I find the 'true him'. Afraid I will leave. I can't even promise that I will not leave, once I know the truth. If I make that promise that would be a lie. I will say that it is highly unlikely that I would leave however. I am fairly confident that I will still stand by him, like I always have. Even when he didn't want me there, even when I just got in the way of his PMO. Even when I was treated like nothing and ignored. I have to add, that it hasn't all been bad. We have had a lot of good times together. Why does the bad stick in my mind, why does the hurt shine through the most? We have supported each other through good and bad, happiness and pain. I will say that all of this crap has made me look into myself and work on the negatives I don't like about myself. Has helped me to ask myself the hard questions and look for real, honest answers. I know a lot more about myself, I just have no one to share it with. But I am mostly ok with that. What I want now in my life is an honest partner, good and bad. Flaws and all. We don't always have to agree about everything, it is ok to have different opinions. If this doesn't work out I have no plans of ever dating again. I'd rather be alone that go through lies again. I don't trust anyone I'd meet to be PMO free, and I don't trust someone to be honest about using or not. I will NEVER be with someone who uses p. Ever. I don't care if they did at one point. I've spent a good amount of time thinking about this over the years I spend distancing myself while hoping I mattered to him. When things looked hopeless and I knew my choices were to stay miserable and wishing I would just die or to be miserable and leave. I gave all I had to him, and I am unwilling to give myself to anyone again. So, this is where I stand now. Waiting for the truth, hoping for our future. Drowning in pain, feeling alone even while in his arms. Giving him time to work out his own issues, I know it isn't easy. Waiting with patience I don't have. I am tired of the dishonesty. Tired of being told one thing and then seeing him not follow through or doing something different. He just says what he thinks I want to hear. I try to believe nothing he says until I can see it happen. If I believe him it just hurts more. So. I don't know. I know my hope hurts me more when the things he promises doesn't happen. And no matter how cynical I am about the world I believe, deep down, that he will do as he promises. Do what he says he will. And that just leads to more pain. It is like a horrible parody to Groundhogs Day. You'd think I'd learn.