Origin of certain fetishes(Trigger warning)

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by mihmihero, May 9, 2019.

  1. mihmihero

    mihmihero Fapstronaut

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    Hey guys! As the title suggests, I'll talk about some fetishes and there are going to be triggers. If you are easily triggered, please turn back.

    So, I've been doing a lot of reading into the psychology of fetishes lately in order to learn more about me and how certain fetishes developed and I would like your thoughts. I've got quite a lot of fetishes myself but the main ones are latex/rubber/leather and BDSM(more specifically dominating/degrading women).

    A lot of posts here talk about escalation and how porn helps you acquire a taste for a lot of fetishes so I wanted to see if thats true. I once had a streak of 93 days and towards the end, I remember sometimes thinking of the fetish but it wouldn't excite me as much. The thing is, I didnt know if I needed more time to completely get over it or If it was there from the beginning. Like, I could easily forget all the other types of porn but not the ones regarding my fetishes. This made me want to read more about them and understand them more because I believe all fetishes have a psychological source that you need to work on in order to make them go away. I read books and stuff on the internet and I made some connections(In my specific case) that I would like to share.

    First off is latex/rubber/leather. This one had to do a lot with the substitution of skin with a different substance. You'd think its weird that someone would be turned on by something non sexual right? Well, thats actually the case with a lot of fetishes. A lot of them involve the arousal by something that is not a naturally sex oriented area(breasts, vagina). Examples of these are feet, bellybuttons, stockings, heels, the list goes on. This represents a corruption of the persons sense of intimacy. People naturally long to be close to other PEOPLE and are attracted to their sexual parts. Fetishes develop through the persons subconscious belief that they cant have intimacy with another person or that they dont deserve it. This can happen during the teenage years when the sexuality starts to mature and it sort of mixes with the persons emotions. For me this was when I was in high school and I was fat and ugly so I got bullied and I never really had the chance to have normal sex or intimacy for that matter. Coincidentally, this was when my PMO addiction began. This could have caused that corruption of the natural system. This fetish goes away with NoFap as it helps re-connect your interest to the actual person and raise your self esteem. Always know that you ARE worthy of love.

    BDSM is similar as before, however, this was here from the beginning for me and it only got stronger in high school. I always wondered why I fantasized torturing and humiliating women, I thought I was a psycho. During my teenage years, due to bullying and social isolation, my self esteem was really low. I felt powerless around women and I wanted them to feel the same way I did.I wanted to feel powerful. I also noticed that this fetish is at its worst when I'm sexually frustrated(all the time lol) so actually practicing mindfulness and letting go of anger/hate helped reduce it for me. A recent experience that helped me see this was when a girl broke my heart and it sent me into a relapse. The relapse was because of a graphic fantasy of me publicly humiliating, and degrading her and I see now that that was my anger mixed with sexual frustration as before I only fantasized kissing and caressing her.

    Those are the answers I found for myself. Do you guys agree with the points I made?Also, can anyone share how they think their fetish developed and how they deal with it?
     
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  2. Marcus Aurelius

    Marcus Aurelius Fapstronaut

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    A lot of what you are saying makes sense, but there is one piece of the puzzle I've never figured out. I have not had any success with women for the entire time I've been attracted to them. I've never been on a date, never kissed a girl etc. The idea of my bondage fetish being a manifestation of a desire for a role reversal (i.e. for women to feel powerless instead of me) makes a lot of sense, but here's the weird thing: I have had this fetish since before puberty. I started masturbating as a child of around four to the thought of people being tied up. Yes, "people". This was before I had even developed an attraction to women. How could this be a result of my lack of success with women, and subsequent lack of self esteem, if it developed before I was even interested in pursuing women. Something doesn't add up.

    I've been wondering for a long time if my fetish is unhealthy and I should do my best to leave it behind me or if I should attempt to integrate it into my sex life when I get married.
     
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  3. RiverSmoothStone

    RiverSmoothStone Fapstronaut

    My experience with my fetish is similar to Marcus Aurelius' in that I can date mine to before puberty. My fetish is pissing and I can quite clearly remember instances of friends wetting themselves in, say, elementary school. However, porn transformed this into a squirting fetish, too, so I would say that some of my fetish stuff is "natural" (or at least, pre-puberty), whereas some is porn-induced.
     
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  4. mihmihero

    mihmihero Fapstronaut

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    Ah I see what you mean. I was exactly like that as well. I had a bondage fetish from the get go, WAY before starting to masturbate at around 11. Tied up women in movies always got my attention. Also women in leather and this was a lot before i watched porn. The reason for this the same as what I said before: Your feelings mixing into your sexuality. People dont think kids are sexual beings and dont teach them about sex "They'll learn when they were older" they say. Kids are actually very sexual but they just dont have a "concept" of what sex or intimacy is. So when parents dont talk about it and they dont show them how to be intimate and what sex should be like. They develop their own concept of sex, a concept which is most likely based on the feelings they feel when they mature. The feelings that get mixed in could have been there WAY before the sex part comes in. For me this was when I was around 5-6 and I had a lot of problems in my life. My parents gave all their attention to my brother, I was fat and bullied, had no social skills or any concept of social understanding whatsoever as I was born a bit "special", my parents ketp fighting and eventually they divorced etc. This was the root of those powerlessness feelings that later turned into a fetish as porn was my way to deal with the aforementioned problems. In my case you can see the feelings involved: fear, anger, frustration, powerlessness and desire to exert control, shame, humiliation. I'm sure you can see how this cocktail of emotions, when poured in sexuality can develop in a BDSM fetish. I'm also sure that if you look back enough, you'll find similar things as well.

    As for whether you should consider your fetish unhealthy and if you should pursue it. Thats up to you man! Obviously I never even had sex myself so I cant tell you what thats like but I would love to integrate it into a relationship in the future. After going on BDSM forums I learned that it can be a beautiful thing. Someone entrusting their life, freedom and safety to you and allowing you to do whatever you like sounds like an amazing feeling that I would like to experience. Before that though, I have to read more about it and do more work here in NoFap to alter the feelings involved. If I do end up doing it, I want it to be about trust not about projection of my anger if you get what i mean. Your fetish is as healthy as you want it to be. Obviously, noone will force you to have a BDSM relationship but in my opinion, it could be an amazing experience with the right person(and mentality). Just work on yourself man and see how you feel!
     
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  5. Infrasapiens

    Infrasapiens Fapstronaut

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    I like girls with stockings. Is that really that weird?
     
  6. mihmihero

    mihmihero Fapstronaut

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    I wouldnt say its weird. There are a LOT weirder fetishes than that although even the term "weird" depends on the person. A lot of fetishes are pretty mild like Jeans, stockings, feet, yoga pants, high heels etc. All pretty common things that you see every day.
     
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  7. bken

    bken Fapstronaut

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    Too Freudian. Look up desensitization and you will know exactly what causes fetishes.
     
  8. ivanhoe

    ivanhoe Fapstronaut

    I suggest the book "unwanted' by Jay Stringer. Almost all fantasies are trying to fill a need.
    Another place to examine this are books on neuroplasticity. In "The Brain that Changes Itself' the author uses BDSM as an example - almost 100% the time people who had BSDM fantasies and desires had a tramatic medical experience as a child that also involved 'love' and sometimes something humiliating like wetting their pants... so for example they might have gotten a painful shot at the doctor, wetted their pants and mommy was there to say it hurts but we're doing it because we love you. Of course all of us probably had something like that - why it 'sticks' with some people I don't know.

    I totally agree however about fetishes escalating because PMO or fantasizing...
     
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  9. ivanhoe

    ivanhoe Fapstronaut

    that is very common. girls wear them and stuff like leggins for a lot reasons but one reason is to look atttractive.
    Something becomes a fetish when it starts to block sexual desire and you can't get aroused in any other way.
     
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  10. Marcus Aurelius

    Marcus Aurelius Fapstronaut

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    Interesting post. The thing with my fetish is that, if there is an underlying psychological cause of it, it will be very difficult to find it. I remember masturbating for the first time when I was four. I'm assuming it was to the thought of someone tied up because, like I said, I was turned on by that before I was turned on by women. Except for a few flashes that may be memories or dreams, my memories only begin when I'm four. So, I've had this essentially my entire life. When I mentioned that I started masturbating at four to a therapist I was seeing for a while, he asked if I was abused. My answer was: not that I know of. It's a disturbing thought and one I can't discount because, if it happened, it would have happened when I was too young to remember.

    But anyway, now that I am here and it is seemingly not going away, I would like to integrate it into my life eventually. It's a conversation I kind of dread having though. Depending on the girl, I could imagine her being creeped out and deciding to opt out of the relationship. Definitely not first date kind of stuff lol

    Another concern at the back of my mind, is our culture's overeager willingness to accept every personal quirk. "You do you". What if a bondage fetish is actually psychologically unhealthy, but our culture just deems it "unaccepting" or "judgemental" to say so. I'm not saying that I think it is unhealthy; I just have zero confidence in our culture to call it out if it is.
     
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  11. mihmihero

    mihmihero Fapstronaut

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    Hmm since you started out so early then things must have happened many many years ago and stuff that happened must be in your subconscious by now. That was the case for me as well, I thought back and I saw my state back then and I was like "Oh so I WAS feeling angry at women" and "It really DID bother me that my parents never taught me how to be intimate with people". Obviously I dont know your whole story so I cant give you a solid answer of exactly what happened to you. What you can do is do a lot more reading, I'm talking books,forums, whatever youu can find to help you learn more about yourself. Read more into psychology and look back into your past and connect the dots. Read a lot more ESPECIALLY about your fetishes so that you can understand them and yourself better. Everything's so much less scary if you know about it. If all else fails we're here for you, you can talk to us if you want.

    As far as society is concerned, who gives a shit? Whether or not a fetish is healthy is up to you to decide and it depends on how you integrate it into your life. Obviously there are exceptions as there are fetishes that can be dangerous or harmful to people but I think with BDSM you can act it out safely as long as its done in a healthy way. Plus its actually quite a common fetish.Its what I said before, theres a difference between venting out frustration on a girl and having an intimate, trusting session with her. I know I may sound like a know-it all but these are the answers I found for myself after a lot of reading. First of all, being a virgin,I figured that, before worrying about fetishes, I need to learn more about being intimate with the other person, to learn how to trust and love them as a person before I do anything else. I had some experiences with a girl recently which helped me see that. I had my first kiss and we did some other things(not sex) and I saw how amazing being close to another person is. Thats what you should pursue, fetish or otherwise. BDSM does have some aspects that degrade people to objects so I would think its better to establish a trusting connection with the person before carrying it out. So dont worry about if the girl will accept it for now, focus on getting to the point where you can trust a girl enough to have this conversation.
     
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  12. fapequalsdeath

    fapequalsdeath Fapstronaut

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    yeah brah porn creates and intesnifies fetishes, gl having a normal sex life wehn you've conditioned your brain to crave certain performances... think it's impossible, but for the better to ignore the fetishes which hurt one's body and mind possibly....
     
  13. AngeZarate10

    AngeZarate10 Fapstronaut

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    I also participate in your discussion.
    I also have a fetish for the woman's foot, which also broke out towards women's shoes, after which I threw all the various fetishes out of the way.
    and I noticed several improvements after avoiding everything for 25 days.
     
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  14. mihmihero

    mihmihero Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for participating! Porn induced fetishes can definitely go away with NoFap. I have a bunch of them and most of them went away or at least weakened after a 90 day streak.
     
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  15. AngeZarate10

    AngeZarate10 Fapstronaut

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    Infact.
    The important is not fall
     
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