Our journey

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Amaterasus, Mar 18, 2019.

  1. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So i have been thinking for some time about making my own journal instead of just small post here and there, thought it could help me and possible someone else.

    Me and my partner have been together for 2 years now, and if we didnt have this problem our lovestory would be kind of cute. We have known eachother for more then half our lifes and been best friends for about as long, both of us wanting more but not having the guts to tell the other. And of course life and other people got in the way for some time. But 2 years ago we finally got together, and i see him as the love of my life and the person i want to spend my life with. And i guess thats a part why all of these things hurt so much.

    I found out about the porn-addiction rather quick after moving in together, it cant have been more then a month. He was at work and i reacted to that all the suggested pages on hes computer was more or less porn-sites. My instincts told me this was not right, and i think like most people i started to look into how much is there. Was there a reason for me freaking out or was i just over reacting?

    And there it was, more or less everywhere i looked there was porn, and a huge amount of it. Not knowing what to do i texted him and asked, not about fidning all of it but about the recomended pages. I knew that if i told him that i had found everything, things would backfire and not end well at all.

    The explenation i got was that he used to have a problem, but that he did not watch things anymore he could just not kick the habbit of downloading it. And i knew then all ready that all of that was bullshit, but i did not know what to do about it.

    Moving on since then we have had what feels like an endless amount of D-days, and what hurts more an endless amount of lies. And even tho we have made alot of progress from him denying it all that first time it feels like we are really far from getting somewhere.

    Since last summer we have had acountability software, agreements, boundries etc. None of them have really worked, right now we are at a point where i have removed the acountability software becouse it does not help and accually causes me more stress then relief. He lied and sneaked around it so much that things looking clean i think at some point just made it worse.

    Having to experince this, specially in the begining when i did not really know what i was going trough have had a huge inpact on my wellbeing. I got panic-attacks, sleeping issues, consentration issues and it doesnt take much for my mood to snap. Like very small things like not getting into the bottle of ice-the last moring made me so mad. And i would say that im normaly a sort of patient person. Adding to this is also the fact that i have been the only one with a job for almost a year (he got one now tho), and having that pressure on top of this have been a bit much.

    Like i said not knowing about the depth of this is a huge part of why how i feel got so bad i think, knowing more about the addiction and reacting more to how i was feeling earlier might have done a difference. I could for a example have set up more boundries to protect myself earlier.

    Another thing i know that have hurt me alot is that from the start there was alot of pressure for me to look a cerain way or act a certain way for him to be sexually intrested in me. And i did not know that it was becuse of this, i just though of it as beeing hes preference or something naive. But that in combo with beeing exposed to images and other type of content i started to feel like he wanted to make me into one of them. And that of course started a negative spiral where i would start to compare myself to them, and saw that i failed to met up to that impossible standard.

    And he himself have made alot of progress in learning what real sex is and how he views me, leading to us having a sexlife that is more natural. But the feeling of not looking good enough is still there for me, and is enforced everytime i have to find sexual images of other women.

    Finally after typing what feels like half a book i would like to sum up where we are right now, and that is sort of a stand still. And i say standstill becouse he wants to work on things and so do i, but we seem unable to met halfway anywhere.

    An example of that is me not wanting sex if he is active/have relapsed. But we cant have accontability software, he cant tell me himself if he have relapsed and he cant be honest if i ask him. Common theme in all of these no goes is that he says that hes addiction wont allow him to be honest. Like he cant relaps if he knows hes gona be caught, with acoutabilty software. He cant own up a relaps becuse the shame of the addiction etc. And i dont want to say that doing one or all of these things is gona be easy, but they can be done and must be done if he ever wants to get sober. I so wish he could realize that its the addiction telling him that it is impossible, not the fact that it is impossible.

    Oh and also he have been seaking help, but was told today that porn-addiction is not a real addiction. And that is kind of soul crushing, becouse he made an effort but was shut down and im scared that this will put him of from trying again. And it is so so annoying and frustrating that our country isnt as far a long as other to view this as a real problem.
     
  2. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So i tought i should post before work today, and not late at night when i get home and is exhausted. I work late evenings, so i leave for work when other people usually gets home including my partner.

    That means that he got alot of time alone, and even tho things where the same when he was unemployed and i was working it is still kind of stressfull. That huge amount of time alone is not good for the addiction, and for a long time i had a hard time letting go of the thougts about what he was doing home by himself. I have however made some progress there, learning to let that go a bit and focusing more on myself and my workday. Becuse even if i could know what he was doing, relapsed etc there isnt much i can do about that when im at work.

    Letting go and focusing more on me is a thing i also try to do a bit in general, but i find it harder to do at home then at work. And i mean letting go in form of letting go of negative feelings and stress that i cant do anything about, like constantly beeing worried about a relaps. It just consumes my energy to worry and the worrying does not help when a relaps happens.

    My biggest problem with letting go of this anxtciety is that my partner is rather bad at cleaning up after himself, dont know how else to describe it. Like if he relaps and downloads something he removes it the first 2 or 3 times, after that things start to appear more or less everywhere. An example is about a year ago when i knew he was relapsing but i didnt have the energy to confront him about it, things go so out of hand that he was downloading things more or less in front of me and making the entire internet unusable. Its kind of hard to ignore things at that point.

    And im not saying that i want to be able to ignore it, becuse thats not it at all. I want to be able to use the computer (we share one) without having to worry about finding images, downloaded films etc. I more or less want to be able to use it and accually enyoj it.

    I also find it sort of strange that he have a huge issue with being honest but does not care that much for hiding things, or rather he feels like he does not have to hide things becuse he wont be busted. And the more he feels like that the more he slips up. Like i thought you would not look in the download folder, but what if i have downloaded a program or movie? Its not like i find things hidden in secret folders that i would not find if i did not go looking for them.

    In an ideal world i would like a relaps to be him telling me about it, just not for the honesty and trust but also so i dont have to constantly be exposed to this material. Becuse me seeing it is not helping anyone, it just hurts me.
     
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  3. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    I would say that things have been a bit better for a few days, i have been working alot on myself. And showing my partner this part of nofap and letting him read my journal seem to have made some difference aswell.

    An example is that we talked yesterday about him making up a stratedgy for dealing with urges depending on how strong they are, like a scale system. Something i remember doing for other problems i had when i went to therapy a few years ago.

    But even tho we are making progress we are also closing in on the time where he usually relapse, i think he is on day 8 ish now. And knowing this is a huge stressfactor for me that i dont really know how to deal with. Letting go of the feeling that something bad is about to happen is hard...
     
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  4. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    Right now acountability software is a no go for us, he have sneaked around it so much that we got issues both with me not trusting it and him beeing restricted to a level where he basicly doesnt have Internet. In theory tho it is a good idea
     
    need4realchg likes this.
  5. I understand but CE tells you if it was shut off, uninstalled, tampered etc.
     
  6. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    Our problem isnt that he tampers with it but find non porn-sites that got sexual content. I could make a long list of examples but i think listing potential loopholes might hurt people here that tries to stay sober
     
  7. Well CE has a robust ranking system, so you'll get a weekly or daily report of everything he visits, an he can get the same for you, and you can talk about anything that looks out of place.
     
  8. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    There is a huge amount of p-subs on normal sites, so neither the program or me will react to the page beeing suspisious. Things more or less looks good untill i start to dig into what he has been doing. And doing that is not an option, i will not expose myself to porn or p-subs anymore becuse it got to much of a negative impact on me
     
  9. Tannhauser

    Tannhauser Fapstronaut

    That make perfect sense.

    Another option is to have screenshot accountability, where it takes random images of what he is doing on the computer or phone. But you would still potentially be exposed. Does he have an Accountability partner on here yet? That might help, have a third party that can review the material and talk to him, and can also report any lapses to you.
     
  10. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    For now i think om gona put myself first and have not exposing myself as nr 1 prio. I might one day be fine with some kind of software, but i need to be stronger in how i feel about myself and my body first.

    No he does not have an acountability partner, or a journal. For now the main focus for us and him is to find a therapist, but its harder then we thought it would be. Hopefully the calls he made today leads to something, im proud that he keeps trying after being turned down.
     
  11. ImOkYoureOk

    ImOkYoureOk Fapstronaut

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    Reading your journey is like looking into a mirror. My 3 year relationship is very similar. I agree with you, accountability software is not a surefire way to prevent relapse. There are a ton of loopholes and porn substitutes that slip through the cracks. If there's a will there's a way. Software also drove me crazy because it wasn't teaching him accountability and it was making me responsible. You can't do the work for them.

    This is what I have learned after 3 years. Set boundries and stick to them. If transparency and honesty are key ingredients for you to recover from trauma then do not settle for anything less. Be very clear about what his triggers are and what is not excitable behavior. Tell him that you understand there will be struggles and mistakes but he must be forthright and you should not have to go digging for answers. Explain that honesty must happen to build back trust. Be prepared to leave him if your needs are not being met. If he cannot respect your boundaries and continues to lie, gaslight, or stonewall you must leave a toxic situation. If you stick around you are only discrediting your own self worth. Sometimes it takes separating from each other for both parties to get a real perspective. How long of a separation depends, it's different for everyone.

    You also need to keep seeing progress. What has he researched, what has he been reading. Has he made efforts to talk to someone, not just you. Knowledge is a key ingredient for recovery. You should be seeing him putting in the work like it's a job.
     
  12. ImOkYoureOk

    ImOkYoureOk Fapstronaut

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    It's good that you mentioned you're working on yourself. Sounds like you are well on your way.
     
  13. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for both of your replies, they are very insigtfull. And i totally agree with you that acountability should come from him first and not a program. I think we ended up using one before becuse if he relapsed it wasnt enought that i told him that he had, i had to have proof. And i think i thought that a program would make that easier, focusing on the wrong part of the problem. Knowing what i know now i know that the problem wasnt me needing a good way to find proof, i needed to remove the need for proof with him being honest and less defensive.

    Thats why focus on me is the prio 1 right now for me, becouse the addiction took all the space in the room for so long and i didnt think about what i was doing to myself by enabeling that. So im thinking about boundires, things that will make me feel better. Both things he can do and that i can do to help myself. But knowing what i want and need takes some time so its still a work in progress.
     
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  14. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    Last two days i have just been to tired from work to post anything, i spend the entire workday typing at a computer so going home and doing the same thing again just isnt that exciting every day. But i will still try my best to post daily-ish.

    So the other day before work we had a mini argument conserning hes addiction. My thoughts since then hasnt been about the specifics of the argument, but more on beeing a bitch. Im using that phrase becouse mid argument he called me that and its a good term to use for what i want to explain.

    When he is down or got alot of urges from the addiction he is often very defencive, so pointing out smal things like maybe you should do this or dont do that doesnt go well. But at the same time alot of these things needs to be said, like you are acting like your about to relapse, or you should avoid this becouse it is an obvious trigger for you. I am trying to help but is seen as a bitch that just nags about things, and for the most times i can take it. I know why im doing it and he usually turns around a few hours later.

    But the thought of not saying it more or less always crosses my mind, why should i say something when im just bitching about things? I guess its my mind trying to take the easy way out. For now tho im trying to go against it and say things anyway, unless i feels that he is so defensive that nothing gets trough. Then i try to wait untill what hes going trough addiction vise has passed and try then.

    Another few small updates is that my partner is slowly making some progress, he has been working on starting hes own journal, still trying to find a therapist. And the other day when he was acting out becouse of the urges beeing very strong he sat down and wrote a list of signs that tells him if he is close to a relapse. That made me very happy becouse he did it without any input or pushing from me, something he normaly would need.
     
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  15. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So i thought i would make a small update today to get going again. Some other major things in life has happend and sort of got in the way of my journal keeping. Will post about that another time.

    Conserning my partners reboot a few things have happend. First of all i found out a big lie about a previous relapse that he had. It was at the time when we had acountability software and i caught him mid relapse when i was at work. He said that he stoped when i told him to. But turns out that was not the case. And i felt really bad about him continuing watching porn even when i told him to stop.

    And adding to that he have had two relapses in the last few days. Feeling like a major setback, much becouse be stoped comunicating about hes addiction and refused to listen to my warnings about him being close to a relaps. Things got so out of hand that he even talked about hes addiction in a positive way the days before the relapses.

    So right now there is alot of things to work trought and talk about. We/I need to figure out how to take things from here. Becouse right no i have no idea how to handle it all
     
  16. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So a few thoughts for today, first of all i havnt been able to sleep proberly since my partners last relapse. Either my mind gets stuck in negative thoughts when im trying to sleep or i have nightmares connected to hes addiction. I think its becouse be had to relapses back to back, i know from earlier that when that happens my mind get kinda stuck there and it takes some time to get back to normal.

    Another thing conserning these two relapses is that we got an agreement that is no sex for a few days after a relapse. But after the first one he was pushing really hard for it, me finally caving in after 2 or 3 Days. And then he relapsed again the day after. And the combination of it all doesnt feel great, and i know i got myself to blame for part of it. I should have been firmer in my bounderies.

    Lastly i still dont know how i want to move forward with things, i feel like something need to change. But i cant point out what it is yet
     
  17. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    Im lost for words today, i caught my partner in a relapse spree that have been going on for almost a week. Unrelatade to porn but still an addict thing to do i also found out that he bought things for a game he is playing for 100 dollars, but lying and saying it was a gift from hes brother.

    I asked him about the relapse this sunday, at that point he had relapsed 3 times. But all i got was lies, he even lied here on nofap saying thing where going good.

    I dont know how to recover from this, all i want at the moment is him out of the house. But according to him thats not an option becouse all hes relatives will say no... I would leave myself if we didnt live hours away from my family. I just want some peace and calm away from the addiction, and that means away from him .

    I am so heartbroken today that i dont know what else to say
     
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  18. QuietKarma

    QuietKarma Fapstronaut

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    I'm sorry to hear that, can only imagine how difficult it must be for you.
     
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  19. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So today i find myself somewhere inbetween hurting and not caring. It feels like to much to handle most of the time and then my mind shuts down. And i must admitt that not caring feels good, even tho i know its wrong for several reasons.

    I also find myself questioning who my partner really is, becouse what he did last week was beyond awefull. How is he capable to lie and manipulate to that degree without remorse. Where does he draw the line of what he will do? If there even is one.

    Im gona pause here becouse thinking and writing about things hurts to much right now
     

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