Our journey

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Amaterasus, Mar 18, 2019.

  1. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    I guess im feeling slightly better today, but for the wrong reasons. Things boiled over and i just put the lid back on. Deep down i still feel that overwhelming lonelyness, selfdubt and alot of self blame.

    We keep talking about things, me and my partner. Even tho i told him today that i dont really want to, i genuenly feel like hes not in the right mindspace for it. I dont see that heartfelt need to change or some true insight to what he have done. I just see an addict yet again feeling sorry for himself for being busted and wants to avoid that happening again. And in my PAs case that means finding a better loophole not accually trying to recover.

    One thing he did say that i guess wont hurt is regarding my lonlyness is asking here if anyone would want to talk, more then just replying to my journal. Seems stupid but just a PM would mean alot right now, and im tearing up as I write it cuse it seems so pathetic.

    I got alot more i would like to write but i think i have to save that for tomorrow. I need some me time and watch Netflix so im somewhat rested for a full day with my little one.
     
  2. Tannhauser

    Tannhauser Fapstronaut

    First off, I'm glad to hear that the little one is doing well! This age is great, although it is exhausting. Why are babies always so obsessed with stairs?

    Just few thoughts on your last couple of posts:

    1) Have you considered counseling for yourself? You are dealing with so much right now and I think it would be helpful. It may also show your partner the extent to which his actions are hurting you, so much so that you need professional help.

    2) Him watching P and PSubs while tending the baby are absolutely inexcusable. I'm a PA, and I have three kids. I can understand getting on my phone late at night, first thing in the morning, or while in the bathroom (not condone, but I can understand it because I've done that), but I cannot understand not putting the child first when I'm caring for the baby. Exposing a baby to such material in such a way is truly sickening, and he needs to get his act together.

    3) I'm no expert in custody, especially in other countries, but it might be worth talking privately to an attorney to find out what kind of options you have if you do end up leaving. Perhaps only supervised visits? Or require internet filters that you have control of when the baby is visiting? Accountability software? Cameras? Just some thoughts if you aren't able to get full custody.

    4) I've been there. The problem is there is always gong to be a loophole, a way around security features & filters, etc. And even if you can get rid of all the P, there is always easy access to Psubs. The real road to recovery for a PA is a change of heart.

    5) I really feel for you! As a male PA private correspondence wouldn't be really appropriate. Maybe the best way to find somebody you can message regularly would be to post a request as a new thread in the Partner Support section? Say something simple like "I could really use somebody to chat with regularly like an accountability partner, but for a significant other dealing with their addict partner."?

    Good luck!
     
  3. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    First of all, thank you for being so kind. And hearing you talk about your addiction and how you handle it around your kids restores some hope in humanity. Because for me as an non addict it's such a clear thing not to do, but apparently not for all addicts. And i wish someone like you could tell him that, maybe he would listen then. I'm actually a bit mad at he's AP for not talking about it with him, becouse like i said he needs to f-ing get that part.

    I could talk to a lawyer, but I don't thing it would do that much. Right now there have been several accually dying for ending up back with their abusive parents. And then we talk actual abuse, and thats alot more then whats happening here. And while there is alot of news and talk about it, there is not allot of movement law wise to change it.

    And like i have said over and over, i will protect my child. Letting him having her alone is not an option.

    Right now tho we are more or less living separately. Me and my daughter got the downstairs floor of the house and he lives upstairs. He is allowed to participate in her daily life with me present. Phones are not allowed around is, if he is to have her alone like when i shower i take the phone with me. All other electronics in my part of the house is password locked. At the moment it seems like the best I can do.

    I think a huge part of me diapering from this forum was that incident when she was 2 months ish. I felt and still feel so much shame. Like I'm the worst mother ever for trusting him with her. I couldn't even write about it here even tho I wanted to. When I found out what he had done and intented to keep doing (becouse I bused him after 2 night and he had already downloaded more for a 3 night) it was one of the lowest moments in my life.
     
  4. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So today was generaly a good day, have just been me and my little one for almost the entire day ( my parner is working a long evening shift). And even tho it's stressful at some points and I feel like i can't get everything done. Like when the dog told me that he had to go out NOW in the middle of me bathing my little one, it never gets overwhelming. I guess that's the difference like someone said in a reply that being alone when you are supposed to be to is hard. But when it's just me I know what to do, keep calm and manage. And I like it, but it shouldn't be that way. Things shouldn't be easier when im alone and parenting on my own, it should be the opposite.

    I still don't think my partner is doing very well, right now it's a gut feeling and I'm not gonna look in to it atm. Becouse I know nothing has happens around my girl, and that whats matters.

    Something that describes our problem well and extends beyond just hes addiction is something I said to him when we talked a few days ago. I told him that he is not a team player at all, and this is coming from someone that isn't one either but you are way of the scale compared to me. Becouse yea I know myself well enough to know that I tend to keep to myself and in many occasions prefer to be alone. Like I would never go work out at the gym with someone else, I can go there at the same time. But during the work out I want to be in my own zone and do my own thing. But I also know that if you want a relationship you have to take and give, and work together with that other person. And that goes for any relationships, not just romantic ones.

    My partner on the other hand cannot work together with anyone I think. He takes from other but give very little back. He thinks about what he wants, and i don't know see the world as a free for all. He seems to always place himself first, and that is kinda impossible to work with. Like how can you discuss things, compromise and all those things if you just think about what you want and then take it?

    And i don't know if i manage to describe well enough what I wanted, or if I was to harsh. But I wanted to get my thoughts out there. Becouse I think about it alot, even if we stay together or not we have to at some level be able to work together to co-parent. It cannot be a full out war for 18 years until she's old enough to make her own decision. And i hope he will gain that insight someday.
     
  5. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So i thought i would make a quick update, I have had alot to do these last few days. My partner have been working alot, and evningshifts into day shifts the day after. So it has just been me and my little girl. And she has had problem with her stomach again, she had that when se was little. Then we found out that she was allergic to milk proteins, and now I suspect the same thing with eggs. So its alot of late nights, trying to comfort her while she has stomach ache.

    Me and my partner have talked some, and i don't have the energy to go into details. But alot about setting realistic and achievable goals. And what to prioritize, mainly not exposing our daugther to hes addiction. And not just straight out exposure, but like the short temper he can get when he have urges etc. She should not be affected by this.

    I can also on that subject say that i feel a huge need to compensate for him. Like I have to be the best mom 110 procent of the time, to make up for that he isn't the best dad he could be. And that tears on me alot, the pressure of being good enough for both of us.

    And I know I don't need to try as hard as I am, it is okey to remember to eat something myself or sit down for 5 min to drink coffee. But I still feel guilty about it.

    Lastly I would like to thank everyone that have reached out, it have helped alot. Both in regard to loneliness and i have gained some insight about things that I think I needed. And I will try to post something longer tomorrow if I have the time.
     
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  6. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So today has been alot, but i have been in a good mood most of the day. My daugther has another mommy period, and that is really exhausting at some points. But she is so cute that everything is always forgiven!

    But my mood dropped significantly this evening, like I said we talked about setting realistical goals considering where we are. Becouse i truely and honestly belive that what my partner needs is addiction control first hand, and not complete recovery right now. From my point of view we have been at a standstill for years, he's not changing in any significant way. He's still lying, trying to find lopeholes etc. But when we have talked about that he is just if I don't watch p this won't be an issue. And I don't know but if you are deep down in a black hole in the ground you do not set the stars as your next goal. You aim to reach there with part goals.

    So i told him to focus on the most important things, like no p or p-subs around me and our child. Be honest becouse there is no shame in a relapse if you intend to try again and do better. And yea better yourself as a human being firsthand, and that will make it easier to deal with the addiction.

    And he was very agreeable, something he's never been. It has more or less be a do or die attitude when we talk and then the sneaking and hiding the rest of the time. And you could say the talk went good, we didn't argue, set boundaries and stuff.

    But what I see now is no effort to try, like i can see him preparing for a relapse as soon as he went upstairs. And that was not the point of things, and i told him that. That I do not support p use, what I'm saying is that it is okey to stumble on a hard journey. But i feel like he took this as a free pass to just go ahead.

    And I don't know, you may even find it stupid that we even had this talk. I don't know, I think the logic behind it is good. But what I'm questioning is if an addict can see that logic or just sees an opportunity as I think he did. At the same time something has to change, we cannot stay at this standstil anymore.
     
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  7. dandausa

    dandausa Fapstronaut

    I'm so sorry you're going through this. Take care of yourself! I hope you're able to get some good self care. :) I pray that he will reach rock bottom soon and gain the desire to truly change and become a man of honesty and love. It's so hard to want to change. :-(
     
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  8. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So im just sad to say I was right. This instantly turned to a relapse. And now I'm stuck knowing what he's doing upstairs, not knowing what to do. The baby is fuzzy ofc and I can't ask for help.

    And i so much wished that this wasn't my life. I don't know what more to say but I do not want this.
     
  9. NaturalPornKiller

    NaturalPornKiller Fapstronaut

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    I've read your journal from your first entry up until right now. Your situation is a dire one indeed and sad to say it but in mirrors my own situation quite closely. My SO and I, the PA have undergone many of the same tribulations as you and yours. I'm not sure exactly how he feels, but the apathetic aspects that he exhibts are the exact same as I have which have critically injured and nearly destroyed my relationship with my SO. Only recently have I begun to take things seriously and I know it's going to take a really long time to rebuild trust, I just had enough are the s*** I've been doing to my SO. Also it's made me feel like a really grimy shity person and I don't want to be that type of person anymore. I know that my situation and yours are not exactly the same and your PA's struggle is prolly at a different stage but I know how it is to be on his end. I'm not condoning that whatsoeverand I just wanted to tell you that your journal has helped immensely in my perspective over my own situation. I wish you both the best outcome whatever that might be and i thank you for sharing your trials with all of us here on this forum. I definitely appreciate your candidness. Good luck and thank you again.
     
  10. Tannhauser

    Tannhauser Fapstronaut

    I am so sad and frustrated for you! It is such a clear example of how bad this addiction is that a discussion of "x is bad, but y is worse" would be seen as permission to do x.

    He really needs to sit down and do some self analysis and figure out what he wants out of life and how he can start holding himself accountable.

    Hang in there. Take care of yourself and your baby first, and remember that his actions don't reflect your value as a person.
     
  11. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    Atm it dont feel like I'm hanging in there completely. I just feel broken and at the end of what I can do. All I want right now is to wake up my little on and cuddle up with her. Becouse she makes everything feel worth it, and it the only way I ever feel loved in this house. But she is sleeping heavily and shouldn't be disturbed.

    And not only did he wave the big pflag before going upstairs, but he accually took a personal item from me to use during the relapse.

    Lastly, I hate this weak, pathetic, crying side of me. I truely feel pathetic, me the girl that usually is strong and outspoken is a huge pile of mess. And I guess I am ashamed of that
     
  12. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    First of i wanted to thank everyone that have reached out, you are all very kind! And I will get back to you when I feel a bit better, right now everything feels really overwhelming.

    So i thought I would more or less pour my heart at this point, and i apologize in beforehand if it is a bit all over the place or to emotional or something. And I know that I got alot on my mind so there is a big risk that it end up being a huge wall of text.

    To just start somewhere, I have talked about the dishonesty last night and how he prepared things even as we where speaking. And it was also that being extra "nice", making sure I had everything I needed so I wouldn't disturb him. And I say nice with qoatiations, becouse its coming from a dark place and not one of care. Its something he's done before, especially when he has been binging.

    And like i said in the reply to Tannhauser he took a personal item of mine to use during the relapse, and even if it is an insignificant item it still feels so wrong. You do not do that, do not make me a part of it in any way.

    I confronted him about hes relapse about an hour into it, told him that I knew as soon as he went up what he was gonna do. And that was not the purpose of the talk we had, and that it broke the rule of keeping my and my daugther out of it. What I have explained to him is to not push it in my face. Go up, try to resist and then slip up. But do not plan it and show me those intentions.

    During the talk that followed alot came up, alot of excuses and he insist on still being sincere about trying to get sober and our agreement. And i didn't exactly agree, but that feels less important right now.

    The first thing that made things tip over for me is when i questioned him about ever loving me. I dont know if i have talked about that before, but to put it short it took him a year if not two to "find he's feelings" for me. And its alot to go into, and hard to explain. But my problem with this is if you still insist on pursuing a relationship and accually tell a person you love them even if you arnt sincere you do not take it up with them. What good does it bring? Good news everyone, I didn't love you before I just lied but now I do! Like you don't just do that if you have some sense of moral or a heart.

    This wasn't news to me last night, but it's still a very sore spot for obvious reasons. And then he added how madly in love he was with hes ex straight away. And that for me is a huge low blow. Becouse it felt like more or less hearing that she was better then me. And this is not the first time in the past weeks she has been brought up. Like how things where better with her, how they didn't fight as much etc. And now if she is so great wtf are you doing here with me?

    Another major thing during this talk was when he straight out told me that he most likely would go up and continue hes relapse (he didn't but still). And again why the f would you say that. How am I supposed to sleep knowing that? And I can't remember hes exact words but it was something in the line of my adult time doesn't start for another 3 hours (when our daugther wakes up) so I might just go ahead.

    And she woke up with a stomach ache way before that as well, so I got no sleep last night. I had to switch from all this to caring for a crying baby, and that is hard in itself. I want to make it better for her, she should not be in pain. But you can do nothing right there and then. Im gona call her doctor tho first thing Monday and have already started to exclude eggs from her diet ( since I suspect that eggs are the issue). But that won't help here there and then.

    To go to something very personal and something I don't think I at least have talked alot about. I come from a very abusive home growing up. My step-dad was abusive in pretty much all ways he could and my real dad was out of the picture. And I was hell bent on fighting my step-dad, I was not the type to just take the abuse. I screamed, fought verbally and i can't say I physically fought back. But every time he beated me I stared him dead in the eyes not surrendering, he should know that he didn't break me.

    But even if I did my best to defend my self I still needed an outlet for my feelings. And for me that was self harm, the adrenaline of feeling physical pain numbed the emotional pain. And I view that as an addiction much like pmo. You have triggers, urges and chaser effect just like with any addiction.

    Now I have been clean for years, with zero relapses. In my mind that isn't an option to accually go trough with. But that doesn't mean that I don't get intense urges when something like last night happens. And that can be really hard to deal with, becouse that's a part of me I'm not prude about. Those deep dark feelings of despair and urges is something I despise in myself. Its weak and ugly. And yes I am well aware that im hard on myself.

    And baby is awake from her nap now so I need to cut it of here. But maybe that's for the best
     
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  13. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    A quick add on to the post above he also straight out told me that he wished that he pushed me to have an abortion. Apparently for my sake, so I wouldn't be stuck here with him.

    And again who says that? My daugther is the best thing that every happend to me, the love of my life and the most sacred thing I have. And I treasure her and her life everyday. So to say that you do not wish I had that?

    Fine if you said that you wished that you weren't her dad, becouse that is a tought I have had myself. That life would be easier if someone else was her dad, but then again it could also be worse. But to say that you wish that she never was born?
     
  14. Dear @Amaterasus,

    I just read your journal from start to finish, and I'm utterly speechless. I can't possibly fathom how much pain and suffering you've been through. I'm so sorry this all happened to you.

    I'm quoting myself from a different thread here:


    I found those words to be an uncomfortable truth. I've been a PMO addict for decades myself, I saw myself in your descriptions of your husband, the lies, the loopholes, the gaslighting, the secrecy. Reading about him consuming in front of your baby daughter disgusts me now, even though I've been acting similarly before.

    I so wish that you could somehow find the strength to put yourself first. His relapses are not your fault, they are his own decision. His lack of empathy, his fault. Not being there for you, his fault. Not working on himself, his fault. I understand that you're struggling with your self-image, especially after the pregnancy. But always remember that you deserve better, so much better than being compared to an endless army of silicone enhanced p-actresses by your husband constantly. This is not fair, nothing he does is being fair, it's all about manipulating and guilt-tripping you.

    You wrote that you often know when he's consuming, and I hope that you continue to trust your gut feelings. This addiction cripples us emotionally, allows us to make poor, sometimes very poor, sometimes inexcusable decisions. In his current state of mind, he can't feel the pain you're going through, he can't possibly love you as much as he could without the addiction. He's nothing but a shadow of his former self. Another uncomfortable truth: you enabled his addiction. He wasn't facing the consequences of his actions, learning that you would always come back to him to talk and vent. He learned that he could have the cake and eat it, too. That he could spend your money on games, again and again. Binge to P again and again. Like a teenager, trying to test his limits, but without facing reprimands. Instead, you racked your brain over what you could have done better in the past. Please don't do that, and don't allow him to point a finger at you ever again.

    From what you wrote, I doubt that your husband is anywhere near recovery, he seems to be a good chunk away from realizing that he has a problem to begin with. As long as he's denying it, there can't be any progress. But sadly, you can't make him see what you're seeing, what we're all seeing.

    I'm sending you lots of strength and willpower to take care of your baby and yourself, and I sincerely hope that your husband somehow hits rock bottom anytime soon, so that he can start tackling this addiction.

    Take care,

    Change
     
  15. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So a final update for the day, we have talked here and there over the day when it has been appropriate. And to summarize things from he's point of view as far as I have understood it:

    He twisted ALOT of what I said, when I told him to focus on managing the addiction (meaning don't do it around me and my girl etc) he took that more or less like he didn't have to try to stay sober.

    Another thing is that I told him to set achievable goals and progressively increase them, from my view mening aim for a week. When that week is over aim for another one etc. Take it one step at the time and don't stare blindly at that counter of 90 days. He set the goal never two days in a row, and when he can keep to that increase it. And that is just crazy and obsurde, and not what I said at all. But changing hes mind last night was impossible.

    And in responds to he claiming the entire time that he was sincere, I finally found out that he meant to be sincere starting today. Since he already had hes mind set on a relapse. Like the alcoholic that will quit drinking....tomorrow.

    I also pointed out now like many of you have said and I believe myself that he isn't in recovery. And yea he told me that he's goal has been to keep p but limit the hurt he does to me, and the solution to that is lying.

    Considering this, what have happend, and like one of you said that I always allowed him to crawl back no matter what I kicked him out today. Now I can't physically achieve that, but we do have the upper floor of the house set up as an individual apartment (with its own kitchen etc). So he lives there, while me and my girl lives downstairs as usual. I have told him that I want zero interaction with him unless it's regarding our daugther, and for her sake he is allowed to spend one hour a day with her under my supervision. And I will enforce this strictly.

    For now I have set this separation period for one week, then we will talk and see how I feel then. Major thing for me is to see if this changes hes mindset at all, or if hes still trying to cheat hes way into a relationship again. Becouse i can for the most part read him as an open book.

    Like I said recovery isn't on hes mind, I have felt the entire day that hes more motivate to continue last nights relapse then anything else. Regardless of what hes saying, he is just repeating what he should say. Not believing in.

    Kicking him out feels scary, not that I fear what he might do or not. But to be put trough this and then be left alone, becouse its alot to deal with and still for the most part feels incredibly overwhelming. It hurts so much, I cant even describe it. And I guess I want someone there, to share the pain and make the burden easier to carry.

    And i know I got you guys and I'm again amazed by the support here. It means alot!
     
  16. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    I’m so sorry you are going through this. Can you afford a csat? Have you listened to any of the bloom information? Bloom is a great free resource to help you. He is definitely not trying to even get into recovery, which is both sad and scary. First and foremost, take care of you and your daughter. Get help for yourself. Focus entirely on your health and your daughters care.
     
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  17. I completely understand the emotional hell you are in right now. I think we are very similar in our history, upbringing and values. I doubt anything can be said that could help you feel much better, unless it came from your little one and she probably can’t talk yet! But, babies can begin to learn sign language, did you know that? They can begin to communicate before their voices are able to articulate words much, and it’s amazing how well this works. I think something engaging and with your daughter would be a great way to open up a new and safe world for you to spend time in that belongs to you and her only. It is time you Mive on from the miserable shoebox of awareness your semen donor is choosing to cram himself into. The sooner you withdraw your emotional investment in him, the better for both of you. There’s a small chance he might wake up once he senses you literally don’t care anymore, but if you hang onto that hope it won’t really work because it will still feed his bloated self-importance.

    He will never pull his head out of his ass until nobody gives a single turd about how the hell he wastes his time. If this is how he wants to live his life, he’d better get used to being a nobody without any meaningful relationships in his life, and his daughter ought to not see or think of him much since he does the same. You are an amazing mom that deserves the absolute best and this is far from that. Do you have any friends within driving distance? Why not invite somebody to visit who hasn’t met your baby yet? It could help you remember who you are and that you are loved, and always will be. The past year has not broken you but proven your quality of character. It may have broken your trust in a person, but don’t speak badly of yourself because of his future regrets.

    stay with us, keep us informed and get plenty of rest! Do things that remind you of your favorite joys in life, and share that with your child. You’ve got this.
     
  18. Congratulations on setting clear boundaries, and I'm sure that you're strong enough to enforce them. Don't allow him to weasel himself into your life again. Don't hope for him changing his mindset anytime soon.. after all, he's free to binge whenever and as long as he wants while he's upstairs. Try to detach yourself emotionally. Chances are that he's consuming when he's at work, since the addiction always demands more. Consider telling friends or family about his addiction.. to drag it into the open. Don't feel bad for making things uncomfortable for him. His addicted lizard mind needs a wake-up call, a rock bottom moment. In my opinion, that's the only way for him to wake up from his P coma.

    Take care,

    Change
     
  19. Tannhauser

    Tannhauser Fapstronaut

    Hey @Amaterasus

    I'm sorry you are going through all this. Good for you for enforcing boundaries!

    How is the little one doing now that you've excluded eggs? Have you heard back from the doctor yet?

    I hope you are having a better day today.
     
    Psalm27:1my light likes this.
  20. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    I wont let him back in that easy, especially not emotional. I have not been loving or caring for months, I wouldn't say I'm the exact opposite becouse that's cruel and I do not stand by being mean by purpose. But as I have said to him repeatedly you reap what you sow, if you give nothing you get nothing. I will not give you myself or my love if you do not do the same.

    The problem however is that I treat him indifferently for most part, and i make sure to be polite and like use a good tone around our daugther. Becouse i do not want her affected by this, and science says that they pick up on hostile environments early and i belive that to be true. He takes this as me being happy or wanting him, how the f that works i can't tell. Becouse not being straight up hostile but generally behaving is not love. It's not me being happy. I have pointed out this over and over, that what he thinks isn't true.

    And binging upstairs, sure it might happen but will not go unnoticed by me. No p or p-subs stays hidden in this house, there has yet to be an app, filter etc that have manage to decive me. How I find things I would prefer to stay silent about however, not that my partner reads this journal but sharing information might make someone else find a better loophole.

    As for work, he works as a mailman part time and factory worker part time. There isn't any options to binge there either. But when he have had office jobs he could some days watch more p then working.
     
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