Our journey

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Amaterasus, Mar 18, 2019.

  1. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    Thank you! Right now it's easy the enforce them but I know he is gonna test me on them alot. So I have to be aware and strong about keeping what I want as my numer one prio.

    She seems to be doing better, I'm waiting to hear back. But I can almost guarantee that we should do 2 weeks of elimination and then a trigger test. That would be give her eggs and she if we get an reaction. We have done the same with milk a few times so I feel like i know this stuff fairly well by now. Bloodtest are really inaccurate at her age, the need to at least be one year. So it's hard for the doctors to do that much. She is scheduled tho allready for test in February/March as a follow up on her milk allergy.

    And yea I have had a decent day, little one is fuzzy about sleep. Trying to nezzle her way in to sleeping in my bed. So right now she usually spends half the night in her bed and half the night as a coala on me. And that cute but not comfortable. So I am tired and would like some me time, but I know that this is just a phase and I will get a bit more me time in a while.

    But yea after last night when I told him my boundries I have a huge wave of anxiety, that almost felt unmanagble. But when those feelings settled I felt pretty calmed and relaxed for the first time in a few weeks. I guess most of the anxiety came from truely speaking my mind and how he would take it.
     
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  2. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    First of, i do not know if it is appropriate but when i read that you called him a seamen donor i laughed alot. I dont know why exactly but yea, maybe a light in darkness sort of thing and definetly a good insult.

    And yea doing thing with my daugther is amazing, and somehow i find it nice that he is pretty absent in her life. There are so many special moment that is just her and me, so many milestones she have reached with my help. And hes absens have made them pure, like he and what he have done has not tainted those moments.

    And I would say that we have a really good bond between us, like you said she doesnt speak yet. At least not real words, but she is really good at showing me what she wants and i am quick to understand. Like i could pick out that one toy she wants in a sea of toys (and yea livingroom floor usually ends up being a sea of toys).

    And I can go on and on about her, like now and in my answere to Tannhauser about her stomach. I guess it's like they say, you never know true love before you are a mom.

    As to my emotional attachment to my partner, right now that is just the fact that he is the father of my child. I realized years ago how dangerus it is to give love to someone like this, he will taint that love and use it against me. So i am closed of completly when it comes to that. And i dont want to comment further on that in the of case that he would read this.

    Seeing friends is hard, i didnt grew up here and havnt lived where we live now for more then a few years. My family and friends are a 3 hour drive away, and i dont got a drivers license on top of that. I grew up in the middle of a big city and i didnt have a need for one since we had almost better public transport then driving opportunities. And in retrospect i should have gotten one, its one of my goals to get one soon.

    My mom is however coming this weekend, and even though she doesnt know about all this she always lifts me up when she visits. I think i have mentioned this way before in the journal, but she is kind and loving. And does those small things like cooking my favorite food if she knows that my daugther have been cranky all night. Giving me small gifts like a piece of fabric with foxes on (i love sewing cloths for my daughter and think foxes are adorable). But yea she does all those things i would like a true partner to do.

    And im dreading the visit now, like i said becouse of how things are. I almost always do that. But when she is here and i live in the moment i feel true happyness.
     
  3. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So i have answered alot of you today, and for my that is progress. When im at my bottom i tend to self isolate, turn of notification on my phone, ignoring the world and most importantly not reaching out.

    I have done this enough to know my patters, not just with my parter but earlier in life too. I know the steps i take on my fall down, and what steps to take to get up. Sometimes its easy to get up again, sometimes it isnt. And im not sure yet how this one is gona be.

    I am really greatful for the journey i have done in my life before this, facing my abuser (taking my step-dad to court), facing my problems by going through therapy. This has both tought me to be strong and how to cope with things. And to be honest i have days when i give in to the dark feelings, not taking care of myself and let the negative toughts stay in my mind. But i never ever make it permanently, like i can have a pitty party for myself for a day or two (alltho this was more before i had my daugther) but then i get it together.

    I know whats on the other side and that it is worth it. And i still have hopes and dreams that i sincerly hope to achieve. Which is what i wanted to talk about today.

    I applyed to my dream job today, and i feel a bit silly calling it my dream job becouse its nothing that special or grand. Just an office job at a company i have worked at before, but in another city. But i loved that job, and the company was way nicer then the ones i am used to.

    And having a stable job would do alot for me, i have been jumping from short contracts to short contracts for years. I have more or less always had a job, like just in time when one contract ends i manage to find another. But something stable and more permanent, omg what a relife that would be! Be able to have more of a long time plan then living month to month.

    I dont want to get my hopes up to high, even if i have experince in that field and good references thats never a garantie.

    Another thing that is my life long dream really, but that im ashamed to talk about for some reason is that I would like to be a writer. And I don't mean that I want to be a best selling author, I don't even have to be published. Just to write a book start to finish would be enough.

    I guess it's something I don't share with my partner becouse i don't like sharing personal things with the way things are now. And I guess I fear you would judge me based on my writing here. Becouse i know my spellings are way of sometime (I have learned to ignore that part becouse this is not English homework its me sharing my life), and I cannot at all describe things at the same level as I can in my own language.

    So yea, some of my hopes and dreams at least. And yea I'm well aware that they do not include my partner, becouse im focusing on me.
     
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  4. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    I dont have the energy to make a long post today, but i want to write something.

    Me and my little one have had a good day, although she continues to be fuzzy about sleep but I think it's common at this age. And she is developing so much right now! Learning alot, and a really heartwarming experience is when she woke up from her nap she played with me. Like we can kiss her on the neck and she laugh becouse it tickles. Today she did that to me, and when I laughed she laughted with me. Its the first time she is engaging at that level, and laughing with me and not at something I do or that happens.

    But yea this journal isn't about my daugther, laughing as myself as I write that.

    Today was good until we had to go out and do some errands, we needed some warmer outdoors clothes for her and baby proofing equipment. And as soon as I'm on my way I get anxious and feel overwhelmed. I had forgotten how drained I get from d-days or whatever you want to call it.

    Its like when someone gets burned out (i think its the right term, like when you push yourself into exhaustion), but a shorter form of it. I usually recover in a few weeks. But yea doing things out of daily routine feels like climbing a mountain, and small things can make me cry and things like that.

    Now that I got reminded of that I will be more mindful, listen to myself and not push myself to fast into being "normal". Let myself recover and focus on what's important.
     
  5. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    Honestly to tired to post anything real today, I'm completely exhausted. My little one has turned into a human tornado when she sleeps. Crawling around, sitting up (while sleeping) until she wakes up sad. So sitting with her, holding her somewhat still and comfort was the best I could do. But that did not give me many hours of sleep.

    And i already felt exhausted like i posted last night, so it has been alot just to stay awake and sane today. I hope tonight is better and I'll post something better tomorrow.
     
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  6. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Oh, I do remember those days! It gets better, maybe not easier, but better. Some day you will look back and miss this. I went for years with only 3 hours sleep a night because my little girl just didn’t need much sleep. I’m catching up now! Lol. My kids are 22,20,17.... enjoy your little girl as the days are slow but the years go quick.
     
  7. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    I love the description of how the days go slow but the years quick! Becouse I get alot of moments where I feel like: wasn't she born yesterday?! What happens with the time, it goes by so fast with her growing up and developing!

    And tonight I got the first night in a week with decent sleep. Apparently saying as a joke is that my parnter or my mom is responsible for her if she wakes up makes her sleep all the night trough.

    Jokes aside I did some changes in the sleeping routine aswell, that might have helped too. But it's a bit soon to tell after just one night.
     
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  8. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    as a further update I have taken a break here while I care for my daugter new sleeping habits. I have gotten almost zero free time during this week, those hours between when she goes to sleep and i do have just been completely gone. So the few moments I get to myself havnt been enough to post something and I have also decided to use them for selfcare. Like taking a long shower, not stressing trought it becouse my little one is waiting.

    And also with my mom being here I prioritize spending time with her. So I will be back on Monday (is my plan, and we will see if that works with what ever plans my daugther might have)
     
  9. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    Another relapse, while my mom is here...during daytime. She didnt notice i think but what the actual fuck.
     
  10. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    Since everyone for the moment is sleeping I thought i would post, but you never know for how long they do so I might only be able to make half of a post. But a half is better then non.

    First of i am SOOO pissed of, like intense cursing, rude kinda mood. And even though I try to censur myself here I do apologize in advanced if that showes trough to much. I find faul language to be a bit unnecessary over all but sometimes you just can't help yourself.

    So there are many reasons why I'm pissed of, not sure in what order to adress them really. But when it's this intense, like relapse upon relapse I tend to loose my temper. I think it becomes way to stressful for me to deal with it, and then I resort to anger and resentment.

    And resentment it something that was on my mind before this relapse even, like having those forbidden thoughts that an SO shouldn't have. Like the fact that I during some periods find hes addiction disgusting. And I know so well that feeling that is very unhelpful, especially for him if he ever wants to recover. That's why I say forbidden thoughts or dark thoughts, the things you should never ever say to a PA. And i don't but i still feel it. If it comes from the lack of progress or the addiction in it self (like what he watches and stuff) im unsure. Perhaps its both. I can also add that im ashamed of these kind of thoughts.

    I'm also mad about the fact that he hours earlier was on me, saying is should work more on my healing. And I got pissed of right then and there becouse he knows nothing about what I do to heal and care for myself. Second of all I felt like why do you preach to me about taking care of myself if you are just gona hurt me a few hours later.

    And to the actual relapse, he's brother is storing a few things in our house (mostly furniture). He broke up with hes gf and moved in with their mom again, and we got a big house with lots of space so why not help. But amongst hes things were apparently old phones (one or more i havnt investigated that fully), so he snook down to the basement and got one of those. So he could use p undetected from both me and hes AP. Used it what I think one time during the night yesterday and then when I was napping with my daugther during the day (with my mom somewhere in the house). He never told me on hes own about this, becouse he wanted to keep the phone and keep using.

    When confronted, becouse i knew something had happend he refused to tell me what it was for about an hour. Not maybe the best move from my side but I resorted to saying speak up or I throw you out and you can sleep outside in the rain. Then he confessed, partly saying that he relapsed. Then it took more time for him to say how. Hes defense in being so withholding was that he thought that what he had done was so awful. But i don't buy that, he have done worse and when I push the truth in hes face he always give up and confesses. He never refuses to answere like this, not even using lies just silence. And i think its becouse he didn't want to give up the phone. Honestly thats the only explanation I can see.

    And i monitor every known device in this house, but this was new. So i had to look trough it, to establish a timeline. And yes looking trough what he did is unhealthy but i needed to know if he used this phone around our daugther, asking him is pointless. And that might be a source of why I find hes addiction disgusting, having to at least partly look at what he has been watching.

    Jumping back to the confrontation I ended up with alot of the same as usual, its like he goes trough the motions. Of telling me he's sorry, he didn't want to hurt me, he's not gona do it again. I again not like the best move ever called him a parrot, reapeting the things you should say. The parrot reference to me hearing this over and over again. And like you cant possibly mean it when you can stay sober for more then two days, I don't belive a promise that you won't do it again and neither should you. Know who you are, where you are and then speak your truth.

    One final thing to add is that he got a habit of going on binges while my mom is here, like he feels like he can ignore hes daugther and the responsibilitys hes got becouse i got help. So he can just go and hide in a corner and let her pick up the slacks. And i have told him that this behaviors bothers me, and i would expect the opposite. Behave when she is here, show that you are a part of this family and don't just take the first chance to escape into p.

    And i most definetly got more on my mind, but i will stop here for now. Before the post gets to long and I get disturbed mid writing.
     
  11. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So i want to write more, I need to write more (and for the moment I got the time) but I feel kinda blank. It feels like to much of a shitstorm to know how to handle it. And a huge part of that i think is the anger that I talked about earlier.

    To start somewhere I read through what I had written earlier to get a sense of what I have thought then and written down, and I noticed that I reflected alot on my own behavior in small comments. And im not after giving myself credit but I find it interesting that I in mid range still is at least somewhat self critic. Becouse i still feel like setting the world on fire becouse im that mad, but knowing I can control myself gives me hope (for me and my actions).

    But when it comes to knowing what to say to my partner, how to handle things moving on i still think the anger stands in the way. My mind is still very stuck in thoughts about more or less hurting back. Saying things that are just plain mean and even if they are true still is said in the purpose of causing pain. I would say that im the kind of person when im really pushed to my limits im a fighter, but fairly passive (freeze) before that point. And being pushed to my limit now I really want to fight.

    Quick background on all this is that I was a really angry kid growing up (with right to be but still). Like i have said before i would not take verbal or physical abuse without clearly showing defiance. Defiance is how I survived, and thats good in it self. But coming out of that i only knew how to survive and be angry more or less, nothing about living and being truely happy. So i made a long and hard journey learning to let that anger and recentment towards more or less everyone go, learning to cope with my feelings in a healthy way. And that combined with my childhood gave me a very strong sense of right and wrong is not quite right. But I guess a strong moral?

    Like now, i always attempt not to purposely hurt someone. Even if im sad, betrayed and angry I do not want to hurt back for the sake of hurting. It does not go with where my moral stand, and im not perfect in any way. But this is always my goal, to speak my mind and my truth but without being mean intentionally. Some things, especially regarding pmo is mean no matter how you twist it.

    But yea being stuck in this mindset I wrote a list I think with 6 subjects on them to my partner. 5 of them related to the relapse, like these phones are supposed to leave the house, do not ignore answering me when confronted things like that. The final subject was to not talk about the relapse with me, if nesserary write to me. But do not talk, and i want that to be respected. And a huge part of that was to give me space, becouse I am so angry and I have not sorted through my emotions yet.

    He completely ignored this, saying writing is to hard, and like 10 other excuses. But that does not matter, you do not bulldoze over me becouse it suits your needs. If you don't want to write, don't write and wait for me to say that we should talk. Do not force it on me.

    And one of the things he did say was regarding the phones, becouse i said talk to your brother, if he wants to keep them he picks them up. And if you do not talk to him I will, I got no problem telling him why. And my partner told me that we shouldn't tell he's family things, apparently based on the podcast (the addict, the betrayed and the expert) becouse they wouldn't understand things and think im crazy.

    He might be right who knows, but i feel like its done with the intent to isolate me, to save himself the embarrassment and most importantly: telling me they will se me as crazy almost sound like crazy making. Like no one will belive you. And I do not like it.

    This post seems like it might be a bit weird but I'll post it anyway. If something it gives me something to reflect on later.
     
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  12. Tannhauser

    Tannhauser Fapstronaut

    I am so sorry that you are going through all this again, especially so soon.

    The only thing I can think of to say is that accept and acknowledge your anger, frustration, and pain. And you are right to be disgusted! These are all legitimate emotions. Feel them, and then think about what to do next. But don't make decision in the middle of these powerful feelings.

    Not knowing your PA, I can't say that this would make much of an impact on him - but for me if I was in a similar situation and my wife came to me and said something like this, it would be a huge wake up call:

    "I'm so disappointed. Do you know how proud I would have been if you had told me that you thought about these phones, were tempted to use them, and then thought better about it and instead came and brought them to me? Instead we are here and I'm wondering what other ways you are going to try to find a way to PMO whenever you get a chance."​

    As for telling his family - that is a tough decision. It depends on their level of understanding and backgrounds. It might help, and it might backfire. That is your decision. But the more people that know and can help him, the better. Addiction withers and dies without secrecy and lies, so the more transparency and accountability he can build, the better.
     
  13. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for saying its okey to feel, and even saying the less helpfull feelings are okey. But yea not acting out of anger is what im trying to do, those decisions in life tend to be the less better ones we make i think.

    Refusing to talk is the only one i have made right now, and even thougt i can see it coming from both the anger and the need for space i feel like its important. Becouse if I feel like I'm a about to boil over after just a few minutes the conversation isn't gona be that constructive.

    Figuring out the rest will take time i think, and possibly help by writing here and see what you guys think.

    As for your advice its good in theory, less in practice here. I have tried almost every way of being pedagogical about things and how I would react different if he didn't lie etc. Nothing of that seem to stick. But I also know that doing this the other way around, like punish bad behavior tend to end up with the same results.

    Honestly I feel like my PA isn't gona get better, not any time soon. The one thing I did tell him last night is that if he can't be woundrable in any way and just live with hes walls up noting is gona change. The example I told him is that he lies to me, he's AP, isnt open and honest with anyone. And then say things like he's AP is useless (a bit of an exacerbation), nofap is pointless and im just refusing to help (i won't coddle him). It is so closed of and you blame everyone but yourself, and the change needs to start with you. Me saying this won't change anything, he needs to realize this himself. But I do belive that this is a huge thing that keeps him where he is with the lack of progress.

    With hes family, hes mother wouldn't get it. And she and I dont really get along in the first place. Specially not since our daugther was born, I do not do things the way she wants to, so she calls my partner and try to turn him against me (I wonder where he learned to be manipulative). And on top of me not raising our daugther exactly like she would like it done its so unfair that my mom gets to babysit and be alone with her. While she doesn't. And comparing things like this in general I think is unhealthy, creating drama even more so.

    But with hes brother I think it would be different, hes an addict himself but with drugs. He's sober atm but havnt been for so long this time. So i think he would understand at least that pmo is addictive and things like that.

    And i do know that my partner has talked about hes addiction with both of them, but when im not there and he controls the narrative of things. Which I find quite alarming combined with the fact that im not allowed to say anything.
     
  14. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So it's still hard to sort through my emotions, knowing what to say, what to write. Right now I feel like it is so toxic, that he is a toxic person.

    And I know that he says that there are two sides two him, this isn't the only version of himself and all he is capable of. I have also read and been told here that the addiction and him are two different things. Maybe there are, maybe there not. I can't really see it anymore. Like having p as a coping mechanism and something you get strong urges about, that you ocationally relapse i can get.

    But the using of other people, being willing to throw anyone under the bus to save yourself. The lack of empathy and care, the unwillingness to do anything for someone else if it is uncomfortable for yourself. And this goes for more things then the pmo addiction. I feel like he is extremely self centered. With walls so thick that you can't get trough at all, and any atemt to do so he goes on the offense. Attacking and blaming everyone else. It almost feels like a child that doesn't want to grow up, to learn.

    I know I at some point saw something else, I must have. But this is what I see now every time I look at it. And what pisses me of the most is the unwillingness to change, to at least try to tear down those walls. To try to be something more.

    He showed me what he's AP replied to hes confession of this situation, asking him how much more pain he can take and how much more he got to lose. But reading that i feel and i almost know that if he lost everything, me, our daugther, he's job etc. It would just be another excuse to continue on this path.

    He is to comfortable being who he is, and its easier to control and manipulate other people to change then change yourself.

    I have talked about my own past a few times, and I have been thinking about that again. Not comparing, feels like the wrong word. But thinking back to when I was in a similar situation. Obviously I didn't feel good emotionally after my childhood, the trial and everything. And I know that i was stuck in a destructive mindset simplified: that someone else caused this, society failed me (there where time when I was little where I could have been saved) so someone else should fix this. Not wanting to deal with it myself.

    And i was in and out of psychological care, before one day I just had enough. I didn't care about who was responsible or not, what matter was that I did not want to be like this anymore. So I did all the work, therapy (and accually participated), worked on handling my feelings, coping mechanism. All of that. And I did it not entirely by myself becouse I have an amazing therapist, but almost. To put things simply i put my shit together. And yea I stumbled a few times, relapsing with self harm. But I used what I learned and got back up. And I will never go down to that place again no matter what.

    And what makes me think of this is that he seems to be stuck where I was, blaming everyone else and looking for someone else to fix it. As long as he stays with that mindset nothing is gona change, at least in my opinion. But I do not know if anyone else can make him decide to leave that darkness behind.

    I have read here that hearing, reading what you have done to your SO is what opened up some people's eyes. For others it has been loss of things, work, relationship or stuff. But none of that has done anything.

    So can someone or something break thought to him at all? Is he capable of being, or showing that someone else he supposedly is?

    I feel unsure
     
  15. Tannhauser

    Tannhauser Fapstronaut

    I have to believe that anybody can change. But the question is will he change? The answer depends on him.

    Has he ever tried professional counseling? Not necessarily just for PMO, but for all the other issues he seems to have? Perhaps that would help to "wake him up". And perhaps he needs more than one accountability partner?

    Stay strong!
     
  16. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    Your words about change seems a bit more wise and true then my perhaps a bit cynical ones. Becouse yea at least in theory everyone should be able to change. I guess I just don't see him as being that willing to change.

    I know that he have gotten some level of professional help before, and for a short period he did some KBT treatment during our relationship. But like in all other cases he keeps hes walls up, and then say that the people are unhelpful and quits going after just a few visits.

    And I know from my own journey that it's rarely any therapist works on the first try, you might need to try a few. I needed that at least, until I found one that worked for me. But you keep trying.

    I can also add that after having thaf amazingly good therapist when I needed it the most, someone that got through to me and showed me what I needed to do i found it easier to work with any therapist. Knowing what I needed to do, talk about etc.

    I don't know if you have read my partners journal, but he is in que right now to go thought with a nevropsyciatric evaluation (add/adhd). Buf it will take some time before he gets to do that.
     
  17. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So i dont know how many of you that read my journal have read hes, the one he started yesterday. Our versions of what happend during the confrontation differs alot.

    Short story is that he says that when I was on him about other things, he confessed to this relapse all by him self. Feeling good about doing it, and now he got all the cards on the table (he don't but I will get to that).

    Now my version of the same thing is that i opend the conversation stating that since I don't trust what you do around our daugther (considering what have happend) i watch everything that happens in this house. And i know that you have done things you shouldn't have. He refused to answere, i resorted to threats (i didnt know what else to do), the last of them being to kick him out of the house to sleep in the rain. Then he confessed partly, what he had done took more time to drag out of him.

    And seeing this difference, how he paints himself up to be this nice guy that is honest pisses me of. That is not what happend, and since this confrontation happend over texts I got proof aswell. So why try to make it into something it isn't?

    Telling him this, and i tried to be polite. Not wtf is this, wtf are you saying. But more like i feel like what your saying is BS and if you read my version and compare it to yours you might understand. And I sent him a copy of both my description here and he's. What he did was to get defensive, i was attacking him, that this is what he believed happend, and bluntly refusing to see that this hurt me.

    And then, and im laughing becouse its so tragic i found out that he had used the tv to relapse. He then confessed to a relapse a few weeks ago that I didn't know of. And yea that the all cards on the table thing. He kept this from me. But I think something has happend in the past few days. Can't be 100 procent sure but there are some things that support that theory.

    Before anyone points it out the tv is normaly locked, but the only way someone is allowed to cut our daugthers nails is when she watches a kid show on YouTube. And i always always try to remember to turn it of, but my partner is good at intentionally making it stay on. Like before I have time to shut it of he ask me to do something or stuff like that.

    So yea that's fun, I'm in a broken cant really take anymore in so as I said my reaction today is to laugh. Becouse of curse there is more there always is.

    Right now if he wants to talk about any of these things it's trough texts, I need a screen in-between us for space if I'm not gona get to angry. Ofc we behave politely around our daugther and have casual conversations about her face to face but that it. But right now, i feel like there is no point in talking to him at all. Not even text or anything.

    He is still just lying, manipulating and not taking anything I say in. If I told him that he would say but oh you know everything now, and im gona be honest etc. But that's the same BS he has said for weeks.

    So i don't know
     
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  18. Tannhauser

    Tannhauser Fapstronaut

    As a PA I have to believe that others can change in order to believe that I can change, so perhaps I am more willing to give the benefit of hope to everybody because I so desperately need it for myself.

    They say that "every man want's to be the hero of his own story". I know I'm guilty of this too! I often present myself in the most favorable light I can on here, on social media, etc. Ask my wife, I am not nearly as good as I like to pretend to myself that I am (not just with PMO, but in all aspects of my life). All addicts do this, I think it is a part of the self delusion that we build into ourselves to free ourselves from observing how stupid and ugly what we are doing is. We try to justify ourselves to ourselves, and hope in the process to justify ourselves to everybody else.

    I am glad that he is trying a journal. I hope that it helps him to grow and find an outlet to share what he is feeling and doing, and hopefully to hold himself more accountable. But the biggest step towards honesty is being honest with himself.
     
  19. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    I see your point in believing in everyone, and i think i used to do the same before. Not for my sake perhaps, but the world seems like a better place if you belive that everyone (almost everyone at least) can change and do good. But yea this journey with my PA might have made me lost faith a bit. Worth thinking about, not perhaps regarding him but in a general way. To not let this make me to dark and cynical. So thank you for pointing this out.

    I can understand i guess that you want to seem better, like we all do in some way. With what car you got, where you live and what you wear. To name shallow things. Like we all have an image we want to protect. Me aswell in some areas.

    But what I can't grasp is this need for it to be so true that you make it your reality, like believing yourself that it happend the way you wanted it to. For me that's two different boxes, like this is me and this who i present myself as. I want to say that perhaps I'm more self aware but that sounds i don't know like I'm full of myself. But yea I manage to keep those two things seperate.

    Again though I see your point in believing this better version of yourself if you are an addict. I can see the need for that. But am I wrong in thinking that this is something you at least partly need to break out of if you want to get better?
     
  20. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So i guess I have been stuck sort of in the past today, maybe not the most healthy thing to do. But I tried to find a time or period where my PA had been sober for a longer time (like 2 weeks + or something), and i couldn't. All I remember for like the past two years are constant relapses, psubs and loopholes. Never a straight period where he have really tried.

    I guess its my feeling of hopelessness, that things never change that made me start thinking about this. That combined with the fact that he jumps on any situation, like the one now with the phones to use p undetected. And if he's mindset is like this, how is he supposed to get any better?

    I feel like all he wants is p, its the only thing that drives him. The rest of us are just there in the background, not meaning so much. And I guess its a silly thought but here we are called SO (significant other) but i kinda feel like the insignificant other to him. I'm just here and useful, but I do not mean anything.

    If anything im a problem, or obstacle that keeps him from p. And during the last few months this have really been displayed. I have heard alot of things like becouse of me he can't have fun, can't relax etc. Its me keeping it from him, not himself in hes wish to get sober.

    As always I get lost in thoughts posting, so this will be it for today
     

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