Our journey

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Amaterasus, Mar 18, 2019.

  1. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    It is a hard thing to be your SOs AP. If you don't want to do so any longer, it's certainly not your responsibility to do so. he could easily acquire an AP or three via this site. Have him hit me up, if I can be of service.
     
    need4realchg and kropo82 like this.
  2. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    Hi, he have expressed an interest in your help before when you reached out to me. But i think that making contact himself is a bit hard, so if it isnt to much to ask for would you mind reaching out to him?
     
  3. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    Nope. This is his journey. Only he can make the first step. That is how I know that someone is committed. My focus is on the faithful; I have no time or energy to waste on the half-hearted.

    You can assure him I don't bite. :)
     
    need4realchg likes this.
  4. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So not really related to the struggle with my partners addiction but something has really botherd me today. My partner woke me up in the middle of the night, to complain about more or less everything. Mainly about beeing denied student loan before he read up some points and the fact that hes broke now and dont have money for cigarettes.

    And first of all why the fuck does he have to wake me up for that?! Im pregnant and working and really need every moment of sleep i can get.

    And 2nd i had a really hard time falling asleep again becouse this means that it will yet again be all up to me to support him. The little money he got from hes job he has allready spent. So i have to use the savings i have intented for things for the baby. And the thought of having to do that again just exhaust me, when will this ever stop?

    I dont know if it is fair or not but this neediness and usage of me is really started to bother me. Let me sleep and let me breath for a moment. I cant be the solution to everything, and no one in a healthy relationship can need someone that much. But even the slightest mentioning of me wanting some space results in panic and more neediness from hes side. And alot of emotional blackmail.
     
  5. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    Doesn't sound good, if he's becoming a needy child while you are pregnant that's going to get worse when he's pushed into 2nd place by an actual child. Can you find a way to talk to him about this? Is it an established pattern or something more recent?
     
  6. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    I would say it something that has progessivly gotten worse, the more out of controll hes addiction vad gotten and the more it has affected our relationship the more needy he has become.

    Like after a relapse or a fight he has a need to more or less be on top of me for the next day. And like most people i want some space to process things after something like that, but he wont give it to me.

    Any indication from me about wanting to be alone or have some time for myself he sees as a sign of me wanting to leave. But being glued to someone for that reason isnt gona stop that, more the oposite. And i wish he would get that. I want some time to just be me, instead of only being the partner of an addict dealing with addict related stuff.

    I did tell him last night that he needs to think things trough before waking me up in the middle of the night. Like what will the consequenses for me be the next day versus what he needs. Becuse sure if he is super sick or the dog is dying, wake me up by all means. But if you are lonely and broke it can probably wait untill the morning.
     
    kropo82 likes this.
  7. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So i got alot on my mind, but exhaustion really has gotten the better of me again. Up to the point where doing anything, like changing the song on spotify when i travel to work seems like alot of work.

    I guess a part of it is the pregnancy, i have gotten to the fun part when finding a good sleeping possition is impossible. And i have to go up several times a night to pee... But i also think that everything happenings related to this is a part of the exhaustion to, at least the mental part of it. Its hard to find energy in the middle of the flash backs and panic attacks.

    One of the things that have been on my mind alot lately is finding myself again. Like i said in a previous post i feel like i have just been a partner to an addict full time, and never just me. So what do i like to do and think about when im not consumed by all of this?

    A strong reminder i got of forgetting about myself is that i havnt been really feeling the about to be a mom feeling. Like thinking about how shes gona look, what i wana prepare and what kind of mother i would like to be. I have been go bussy dealing with relapses and their consequenses, working and trying to make ends met. And that makes me kind of sad, becouse i should be excited. I know i am deep down, i just havnt had time to focus on it. So thats something i want to prioritse more, both for myself and for my child.
     
    Tao Jones likes this.
  8. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So today has been a hard day, i have struggled alot with thoughts about things that have happend. And im worried about whats going on at home aswell, i feel like he might be stuck in a relapse spree again.

    We also had a mini fight last night, he complained about me beeing a bit absent and not texting alot. And i said that he have been acting the same, disapearing for hours. But he said he didnt, and i tried to explain that somethings arent up for him to judge. He cant decide if i feel like hes been distant or not, and he replied that it goes both ways then. And i havnt argued that it doesnt, so hes reply just seemed really passive aggressive.

    And i feel like this sort of comunication is common between us, i say what i feel. He counters with either i didnt do that or didnt intend to do that. Never anything like i hear what you are feeling and im sorry i made you feel that way. This is causing alot of problem between us, hes defensive responses results in me stopping trying to communicate how i feel.

    And taking the issue itself up is gona bring the same result, either you do the same or i didnt do that. It would never lead to a conversation about how we can improve things.
     
  9. LuxPerpetua

    LuxPerpetua Fapstronaut

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    My husband does this a lot. When I say something he often immediately denies it (e.g. Me: "I don't feel like I'm your priority because of X, Y, Z" Him: "Stop saying that! You are my priority!") and then we end up in an argument where he's completely focused on defending himself instead of listening, acknowledging how what he's done has made me feel, and apologising. I think it might be an addict trait :( The most annoying thing is the excuses he uses to defend himself are usually crap and I don't get why he thinks I'd fall for them :rolleyes:

    I'm so sorry you're going through all this :(
     
  10. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    Yea i would say that the excuses are like a huge wall that stands in the way of a deep and more meaningfull conversation. And it is exhausting trying to get trough that wall.

    One of my favorite lame excuses i get alot is the im an addict, so i cant controll myself and therefore i shouldnt be responsible for the consequenses. Like yea life doesnt work that way, you have to take responsibility regardless of the excuse
     
    testwarz likes this.
  11. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So next thing in my list of things i got on my mind is expectations, not mine tho but my partners. He talks alot about how good things where like 1.5years ago when we just moved to the house we live in now. And how that is hes ideal of how the relationship should be.

    First of all, i was missirable as fuck back then. I knew about hes addiction, i just didnt know how to handle it. So like the naive person i was i was codependent trough the roof. And did everything to please him, hoping that would make him show love and affection to me. It was things like having sex after hes preferenses, dressing like he wanted me to, me doing all the housework and never ever say anything negative towards him.

    How the hell can this be an ideal relationship, where im just a doormat? And i dont know how to tell him how absurd this is. Like in a healthy relationship i need to be able to have boundries, to say no to things and speak my mind. So as far as i see things it will never ever be the way he wants it to, i rather walk out of the relationship then agreeing to that.
     
  12. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So a few things have happend in my life, first of all i got two job offers without even applying for them. One of them is close to home, so i accepted that one. Cuse im a bit fed up with living away. And on the inside im super happy and excited that i am so wanted in my field of work. But i cant really show anything to my partner, hes just bitter that things are going well for me when he struggles with finding work himself.

    But i have worked really hard to achive what i have. Always going the extra mile at every workplace, taking job far away from home since i knew it was good in the long run. And things have paid of, and i feel like i deserve to be proud about it. But like i said its a huge turn in my partners ego.

    And i feel like if he cant be happy for me, at least be happy that we got food on the table. We need the income from this work badly, considering our financial situation.

    Speaking of that, i had to spend yesterday sorting out a financial mess he createded. He told me that he took care of the Internet bills while i was away, and i for some reason belived him. But he didnt and then Internet was cut of, and at that point he told me. Since he now dont got any Internet to entertain himself with. So i had to fix the payments for him, hoping they will restart it soon. And i am mad about the situation, mainly since our Internet barely costs anything. So he should easily afford to pay it, but he spends hes money on other things. And secondly why not tell me in time when he knows thats i got money. He got no problem to ask me for money for cigaretts, but asking for important things is apperently to much.

    Worst of all hes treating the entire thing like it isnt a big deal. And i lack the energy to tell him otherwise.
     
  13. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So i had alot of nightmares tonight, mostly about moving home and finding a huge amount of porn on my partners computer. And i guess this comes from a real consern for me since im moving home next weekend. But i dont really want to talk about it with my partner, knowing now or knowing then doesnt make a huge difference. Since i more or less expect it to have been relapses since the last time. So i dont know what to do.

    Continuing on what i wrote about yesterday, the difference between me and my partner scares me a bit when it comes to the baby. I can work really long days beeing late stage in my pregnancy. He can barely work the few hours he does and complains alot when he dont get alot of free time or enough sleep. So how is things gona work with a baby that wakes up several times in the night fit in into all of this?

    My fear is that i will take on to much by myself, becouse i know that i would rather be awake by myself the entire nights then listen to him complaining about how hard things are. Especially when the hardship usually turns into excuses to relapses. But i dont want to be a do it all mom either, i would like to have at least some support.
     
  14. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So another HUGE fight today, i would say it was one of the worse we have had resently. It was suposed to be a conversation about our communication issues, and i brought up the fact that he always have huge walls around him. Either by making excuses or by directly attacking me.

    And this conversation instantly took a turn to the later of them, you do the same, i never get a say, everything is always my fault etc. So i said that i was done talking, cuse this wasnt constructive at all. One hour later he said that he had calmed down and wanted to talk again.

    So i again told him that want to be able to talk about things without having things like i hate him, and make everything hes fault and that im controlling him with fear. And he told me that i have to take that, he might hurt me with the addiction and the lying but he got the right to defend himself.

    And i felt like no, i dont have to take shit when i confront you with what you have done and tries to make hon take responsibility. All it does is undermine me, like why should i be called a monster that controlls someone with fear when all i do is saying that lying will have consequenses. Like us sleeping in different rooms for a few nights.

    But everything i do that isnt enabeling is mean, and makes him feel unloved and like a bad person. How the fuck do you win in a conversation like that? All i want is a small amount of boundries to protect myself, not controll or hurt him. But that is apperently to much to ask for.

    So i ended the fight with saying that im done, these fights, trying to stand my ground is not worth it. You can have the life you want with no consequenses untill one of us (probably me) is fed up and leaves. Becouse i cant do this. There is no way im gona win this when he cant see or understand what he is doing.
     
  15. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So yesterdays fighting was rough, he tried to talk one more time last night but instantly attacked me again. Apperently i was only trying to make him mad. And he likes to use things like that when i speak my mind, like your just trying to piss me of or is the entire point of the conversation about making me feel bad?

    I couldnt take another round of this so i just told him that i wanted to be alone and we havnt really talked since. He tried a few times tho, asking if i wanted to call and talk about my day and then some small talk over text. But i just wasnt in the mood, you cannot attack me 3 times in one day and then expect me to want to talk about my day. Cuse my day was shit, most of the shitstorm from him i had to take over text while i was work. And yea great idea to verbaly abuse your pregnant girlfirend when shes working. Holding back tears at work is really making the day better.

    A few more things from the actuall fighting, whenever i say things like i cant do this (mening the insane amount of fighting) he reacts with dont leave me alone. And i have not said anything about leaving him, i have just stated that we cannot work on the issues we got when we cant communicate in a healthy way. But then im in hes mind leaving him alone with hes addiction and the things hes going trough.

    And i think first of all, how is all this fighting helping hes addiction in any way? As far as i see things it does nothing for no one. But i think he wants a version of things where we talk and have boundries, but where i dont hold him acountable for when he breaks them. He wants the apperance of a functioning relationship, not the reality of it.

    Second of all i think he should understand that the addiction is hes fight to fight, and hes the one that should hold himself acountable for hes action. No one else can fight this fight for him, thats not how recovery works. You can have help and support, but in the end its you that have to do the work.
     
  16. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So i feel like i need to post again today, today has been what feels like the worst day of my life. And i just need to vent i guess.

    I have been feeling crap since the fights yesterday, like i have no fighting spirit left in me. Getting trough the entire day has felt like a marathon. All i have wanted is to go home and sleep for like a week. I just need a break from it all.

    And just now i got a huge confession from my partner, about how he has been on a relapse spree for over a week. And i got alot of details, everything from what sites he used to how he has been looking at girls he knows on facebook. And it is just to much, i am broken on so many levels that i dont know what to say or do. Or how to continue this post
     
  17. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So i dont know what to say after yesterday really, he has truely been at his worst the last two weeks. With the addiction being in controll over everything and lashing out alot at me.

    But to start somewhere he has been relapsing since early last week, doing everything from watching porn to looking at girls on fb. And there is something about looking at girls he knows, and fantisies about them that really hurts me. It isnt just strangers anymore, its girls that we know and that lives close by. It is so much more personal and so much closer to going over the line of accually sleeping with someone else.

    And regarding the porn, i have told him to stay away from camgirls. Hes solution to that is to go for amatures on Reddit, and thats pretty much the same thing in my eyes. Or it is, its just not called the same. And this constantly trying to go around me is really tiresome. I feel like setting any boundries is pointless, when all he does is sneaking around them.

    I got this more or less full disclosure without any remorse, and with hon expecting me to just be able to cope with it. But i cant. There have been so much going over the line, from what he have watched to the verbal abuse i have taken over the days. And then to leave me alone to deal with all this information.

    I havnt talked to him since the fight the other day, i answere texts but thats about it. He wants to talk, says he misses me, wants to hear about my days etc. But i cant do it, i cant pretend that things are fine. Tbh i cant stand talking to him at all.

    And i dont know how to move forward from this, i feel like im stuck in a world where all options sucks. I can either stay and have this as my daily life, becouse if i face reality things are gona be this way for the forseeable future. He lacks the insight to really want to change.

    Or i can leave, and just practical that will be hard. I got a good income but becouse of him im so much in debt that i cant get my own place without outside help. And that alone sucks. But adding to that im gona be fighting him for years to come. If i leave becouse of all of this there isnt a chanse in hell i let him have our daughter at least not unsupervised. But our country is alot for equality and shared custody so getting sole custody of her is gona be hard unless he gives it up. And i dont see that happening.

    So i feel a bit like whats the point in leaving if im still gona be stuck dealing with this anyway. And i also feel like i got a better chanse of protecting my child if im there. But i might be wrong, i dont know.
     
  18. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So i feel like i need to vent more today aswell, im just so misserable and alone in all of this.

    We talked, or texted to be specific about some of the things that have happend. I still cant stand the tought of accually speaking to him. And he admited to not only looking at girls he knows on Facebook but accually fantasising about having sex with them. Ofc i kinda knew that allready but hearing it still hurt alot. The best he could say about it was that he was gona try not to do it again, just try no promisses or nothing.

    And i felt like if you cant do that one thing, whats the point? Im not asking you to quit porn at this point, i just want him to keep it to strangers and not people he knows. So i said that if you cant make that promise i dont want to know. I dont want those disclosures if they dont lead to any change. Then they just pointlessly hurts me.

    And honestly i dont get the need to confess to all these things if there never comes any change. Whats the point then? To ease hes own guilt at my expense?

    Finally the tought of moving home in a week really scares me. Like how am i gona live and sleep in the same bed with a man that i cant stand speaking on the phone with right now?
     
  19. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So things took an not totaly unexpected turn today, but a turn i feel hard to deal with. My partner has started expressing suesidal thought coming from what has happend the past days. And im not ignoring the fact that it is a real serius issue in any way, but im also botherd about how effective it is to controll and manipulate someone.

    I had a friend a few years back ago that used the same thing in a really destructive and controlling way. And i cant help but feel a bit same here. Is he truely suecidal or is it a way to make sure that im not leaving?

    And even if it isnt done for that purpose i find it hard to deal with. He did really nasty things to me, and now i have to confort him about it? Why should I make him feel okey about it? And again i dont think he deserves to feel that way, but i also dont feel like its my responsibilty to pick him back up from it.

    My fear is that he is using this to normslize things, and to ease hes guilt by hearing me saying that it is okey. But what if i find myself having to confort him after taking things one step further and accually sleep with someone else? Can i really live with that? Knowing that i enabled him to that extent.

    So yea i really dont know what to do right now, becouse i want to help him but also protect myself from being draged further down.
     
  20. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So guess what, he relapsed...again. I had two major panic attacks today, and i more or less only have them when he is active and using. So i told him that we need to do something about it, becouse the amount of stress simply cant be good for the baby. And i dont know i wanted a solution to the amount of panic attacks. But what i got was another confession. And that doesnt really help the stress levels.

    And i have since then tried to talk more about reducing the stress, with no sucsess really. I dont know if he dont get the danger or if he doesnt care or what it is. But when sience clearly point to the fact that stress can lead to early labor or in worst case stillborn i think its something that should be avoided as much as possible.

    But all he goes on about is dont leave me, or i want to be better etc. And im like yea but i want to talk about ways to reduce my stress, not your anxiety. It is kinda irellevant here. I want to find ways to function in the best way possible, work around things for at least the last 2 months of my pregnancy. But that seems impossible
     

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