Our journey

We talked some last night, everything started with me saying that i wanted a few minutes alone with my midwife at our next appointment. For me not an unresonable request, but it ended up with him calling me in panic. Becuse that apperently ment that i was gona leave him. And i have in no way indicated that, i just wanted to discuss something private with her. Becuse i dont feel like i can talk about it with him there. But i feel like thats out of the question now.

Later in the conversation he thanked me for being so codependant that i didnt leave him, does exact words. What the accually fuck? First of all how is that something to thank someone for, and secondly how little does he think of me? Does words made me feel like worthless garbage, he sees me as a broken thing that he can play with.

And for more info on that, my decision to stay is based on what i feel like is the best option for our child. I know i have talked about it before, but in our country shared custody is the norm. Something has to be extreamly wrong for me to get single custody. Like a high level of physical abuse towards the child, abuse of the partner or addiction isnt enough. And i cant stand the though of leaving her alone with her, i fear that he will expose her to the addiction, neglect her or treat her bad like lashing out like he does to me. So i want to be there to protect her. I dont know a better option.

So yea for the sake of my child i chose hell, not becuse im a codependent broken piece of trash.

 

So yesterday when we talked some he addmited to being very controlling, and thats good. Part from the fact that he next minute questioned me about why i wanted to talk to the midwife alone. So things have clearly not sunken in that much.

I feel like everything i do that cant be seen as strictly lojal and loving is subject to questions. Like when i said that everything is sorted for my new/old job on monday and i felt kinda excited about it the first question was if i was excited becouse i didnt have to be stuck home with him. And this constant questioning of my motives and need for aproval all the time is a bit much.

Honestly i feel suffocated by it, i want to be able to want some time for myself or do things for myself without being questioned or feeling guilty. 90 procent of the time it ends up with me giving up, like in me wanting to talk to the midwife. It doesnt seem worth it to me when i have to spend hours being questioned and have to defend myself.

So i would say that he beyond the addiction got a controll issue that is way out of line. They are shurely connected, but for me they are two different problems. And i dont know how to deal with it, becuse i cant say anything. That will only lead to alot of screaming and fighting that wont give me what i want anyway.

 

I got alot of anxiety today, guess part is becuse things seem sketchy at home. But i think most is about me being really worried about moving home again tomorrow. Keeping things at a distanse doesnt really work when i live in the middle of it. And i dont really want to talk about things, or spend that much time with my partner. I just want my own space. But i know that he wants to do both.

I dont know it just feels really hard, i feel like it should feel easier when i have decided by myself to stay. But it doesnt. I just have a really strong feeling of not wanting to.

One thing that have stuck with me since the last relapses is hes logic for fantacising about girls he knew on Facebook. He honestly thought that it was better and more inocent, since it wasnt porn. And i feel like what the fuck is that kind of logic? He should somewhere have known or felt what he was doing. But i dont know i guess thats how an addicts brain works.

I dont know if i got alot more to write about, the only thing im feeling is leave me the fuck alone. I dont want to talk about your addiction, or how im feeling. Whats the point when there isnt any change at all? And i dont really want to be intimate with him aswell, not even hugs or kisses. It feels to much right now.

 

So i couldnt really sleep tonight and woke up really early since im so worried about moving home. And like i said yesterday im both worried about any new confessions, talks about what have happend or feeling forced to be intimate.

My biggest fear right now is any new confessions, he got this way of disclosure things in a very hard and cold way. Like oh just so you know i did this, this and that. With no care about how he says it or asking how i feel about it. And it is hard to take without freaking out. Like on the inside i got a massive panic attack but on the outside i just say okey. Becouse i dont know what else to say when he presents it in that manner.

Worst of all we are gona be stuck in a car together for several hours, so if things be become to much or to intense i cant really walk away and take a break.

I dont know i guess i just have to see how the day goes and maybe ill post again tonight.

 

So moving home was hard like i thought it would. The trip itself went fine, no drama at all. But coming home was hard, things became more real very quick.

Like the lack of emotions or empathy from him, he is more or less full zombie mode. And thats easier to ignore over texting or talking on the phone, not as much when you are face to face.

He also noticed that my mood started to drop, and asked me about it. I didnt really want to talk about it, but he still felt a need to tell me that he havnt done anything. And that i can look trough hes computer if i wanted to, and that for me is just a huge warning sign. That doesnt sound like someone that havnt done anything, that sounds more like someone that has but thinks hes gona get away with it. And i know that i could force it out of him, but i dont really see any point in that.

It would just be another confession that leads to no change and just hurts me for no reason. So i dont know, i guess i just have to get used to this if i can.

 

So i dont know if i got alot to add, things still sucks. Im sad, filled with anxiety and feel a bit like a prisoner. It is so clear that he isnt sober, and we are more far away from eachother then ever before. And i feel like he doesnt want to do something about it. How someone could be fine living in this state is strange but maybe its fitting for an addict.

Im starting my new/old job again today, and that is a huge relife. I cant be stuck at home in this all day without becoming depressed or crazy.

Im also still really worried about both the labor and how things are gona be when the baby comes. And im working on a good way to bring up at least the labor part of it. I really need someone else there, i just need to figure out who since i live far away from my own family.

 

Thank you for your kind words! They mean alot.

And i dont know, i think I rather write into an empthy void then keeping it all inside. Just getting things out there helps alot, it makes me understand my pain in a better way. And hopefully in the long run it helps me deal with it better.

 

So today im just angry, at more or less everything. And i dont know it could be hormones or this situation or both.

It started with me losing my temper over the fact that my partner discussed my weight with hes mother. Becouse somehow she thinks it is acceptabel to ask about that all the time when im pregnant. Like every time we are over there she asks me how much i have gained. And it pisses me of, just becouse im pregnant it doesnt mean she has the right to walk right over my integrety.

And my partner knows how much this pisses me of, and i have told him that it isnt okey to ask or talk about it behind my back. But he does it either way.

The thing about it isnt that im sensitive about my weight, im gaining no more or less then you should when you are pregnant. The thing that bothers me is that it is rude to talk about my weight at the dinner table when there is other people present.

Well anyways the day have continued with me being pissed at my partner for more or less everything. Him being cold, not caring and definetly hiding something. And i dont know i guess im just frustrated that i thought that he would try to fix things. Like not all of it bit the resent hurt.

Myself would never admit to fantasising about having sex with other people that i know and dont do something about it. I would try to show my partner that he is my world in a senario like that. Not just acting stone cold and hoping things Will fix themself.

 

He did, then removed it a few weeks ago with the explenation that he wanted to make a new one. But as i suspected when he did that he never came back. So no he doesnt got an account anymore

 

I have kinda given up on him changing, he doesnt want to talk about things here or with me unless i force him. And he doesnt want to give up hes destructive habbits.

 

I woke up by a panic attack today, and that sucks but its normal when things are the way they are right now. Its usually my way of knowing that something is wrong but this time i knew even before that.

I still cant get over how mad i was yesterday, and when i wasnt mad i was sad and missed my mom alot. When i was working out of town i was living with her, and she was really awesome. She got this simple way of making a bad day better. Like when the train home from work got stuck for an hour she bought my favorite food. I guess she did does small things that i wish my partner would do.

But i know if i brought it up he would say 2 things, first of all that he dont have money to do that. And secondly that my mom goes beyond to make me happy, since we have had a strained relationship in the past. And that might be right, but isnt him and i the same? Isnt our relationship so strained that we need those small gestures?

Back to me being really angry the entire day i guess what really bothers me is how he can be fine with things the way they are. He makes no effort to fix anything, and the relationship truely feels dead. And i know why i accept that, but why does he? And why doesnt he feel a need to fix the damage he have done?

Even if i know tho why i am doing it, for the sake of my child i still have to press down the urge to ask him whats the fucking point. Becouse beyond what is best for her i dont really see anything in this relationship for me, not with the way things are now. But i dont want to start that drama and i want to stick to my plan a bit longer. So i guess i just have to suck it up for now.

 

Yea but the only way to get him back here is forcing him, and that doesnt seem right. He needs to do it becouse he belives in it, not becouse he is told.

 

We fought again last night and things are just toxic in general. To explain the problem in an easy way we both got expectations that the other person doesnt met.

I want him to do more then just claiming to want to be sober, reaserch, journal keeping, changing habbits that leads to relapses etc. Im not saying all of them at once but something.

He wants to get credit for the things he says he does. Last night example was that he is using Youtube more responsible. After i pointed out that maybe be shouldnt use it, since more or less all of hes recent relapses started there. And he thinks using is less is the answere, but i know from experience that it isnt enough. We went trought the same process with 9gag, and it took me months to convince him that he cant use it at all.

He also took up that i am toxic, and i agreed becouse i am so fed up with things that i can see myself being toxic. He took that as me being toxic and mean on purpose just to hurt him. While he ofc doesnt hurt me on purpose, hes an addict and cant controll himself. But i apperently can and should change.

My problem is that i cant cheer on a project that is fake, and i cant keep my feelings about being fed up down anymore. And if that makes me a bad person so be it. It is my reaction of living in this hellish situation, and tbh i dont see that anyone else could do it better then me.

But for him that isnt enough, i should change while i accept no change from him. Becouse again hes and addict and bla bla bla. Im so tired of the excuses, if you dont own up to what you have done and accept that you can be in controll of your actions things are never gona get better.

Back to the main problem, i dont know how things are gona get better when we are both so stuck in our own camps. And at least from my side im not against meeting him somewhere halfway, i just dont want to join him on hes side. But he seems really stuck over there not wanting to move an inch. And in that case i dont know what else to do then wait him out. But i dont know how to do that without being toxic.

And just becouse a few of you have asked recently i brought up him coming back here. First that itself was hard, then he agreed to reading things here but not being active himself becouse that is also hard. So i dont know what to expect from all of that. I just see an addict making excuses to keep things the way they are. Becouse it isnt as hard as the addiction makes him think.

But i also noticed that he talks about NoFap in a general negative way. Like i cant base my knowledge of the things i learn here becouse people dont know enough. Reading things doesnt help him, becouse people are just sad and negative etc. And i feel a bit that it is what you make it, it can be a great place if you let it. Or a place that doesnt help you if you arnt open to whats offerd.

 

So something i need to get out there in lack of someone to talk to, i think I have hit a mayor wall of depression. Like i know that i have been exhausted and just wanting to sleep for big parts of the summer. And that feeling came back after the fight last night. Im at work now and all i can think about is going home and sleep.

Im not motivated to do anything, generally unhappy. And one thing im ashamed of is that im not happy about being pregnant. It makes me feel like an awefull person, specially when i was so happy about it a few weeks ago.

I dont know if it got to do with the situation im in, or the fact that im terrified as hell about giving birth. And i also fear that im gona be a bad mom, being to bussy dealing with this and not giving her the attention she needs.

I brought up the fact that everything felt hopeless/meaningless last night. But instead of talking to me about it he just told me that i dont feel like that. How could things feel hopeless when i love him and our child? And yea if things where that simple alot of people wouldnt be depressed anymore. But it doesnt work that way, and the fact that i got him isnt comforting for me. Specially when he refuses to see my pain. I would rather be alone then being with someone and not be seen or heard.

I dont know what more i got to say, i just feel like i have hit some sort of bottom. Where i just feel trappen and alone without any hope for change.

Only thing that comforts me is that i know i can get trough this, i have managed way worse. I just need to find the fighting spirit that i lost somewhere along the way.

 

So i dont really know what to say right now, i still find things extreamly hard. I thought i could do this, i really did. But my mind is constantly screaming that i cant. Not under these conditions.

My partner made a list of changes he would do, and thats good for him i guess. Becouse the changes hes making is only regarding hes addiction and hes triggers. Nothing regarding working on us.

I made a suggesion that he should learn about betrayal trama, so we maybe could work on my triggers to minimize the amount of panic attacks i get. But according to him learning what he does to me is gona make it harder for him to stay away from relapsing.

Adding on that he blames me for not wanting to work on us, like why am i not suddenly trusting him when he has been sober for a week. Thing now tho is that he could be sober for months, but i would still not trust him. He needs to repair the damage he has done first. And simply saying clean doesnt do that.

I find myself in a situation where i feel like he either have to met what i want or i want a temporary seperation. I cant just sit her misserable when he prioritse himself.

 

Last night i told my partner that the situation was to much, and that we either work on this or we seperate while he sort out hes own things. I just couldnt take being misserable while he prioritised himself and hes recovery.

And he decided to work on things and learn about betrayal trauma. Something i knew he would pick, since hes very stuck on not losing me even if it is for a limited time. But i dont know how sinsere it is when i have to make an ultimatum and he only does it to please me. I would have loved a situation where it comes from hes own initiative.

With that said im not trusting that this is something he will stick with in the long run. We got a long history of him making these kind of promisses just to quit on them a few days later. So i dont know in that case i think I must stick to my statement and accually leave for some time. Otherwise i just show that my words are meaningless and something he can ignore. But that is gona be really hard and i can see him fighting against me in that process.

Besides that im still really sad and misserable, feeling alone most of the time. Both when im at home or when im at work. I dont know it feels a bit like its just me against the world all alone.