Our journey

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Amaterasus, Mar 18, 2019.

  1. MisterDirection

    MisterDirection Fapstronaut

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    You are not alone I assure you. Even though we are electronic friends we are here.

    I would say look at the positive. He is educating himself . If he sticks with it or not is not in your control.

    You can set goals you want to see and either communicate them or not and let them be your own knowledge and of you dont see the results then you know what to do.

    From my PA perspective. I would communicate the goals to him and as long as they are moderately fair and as achievable as in are they healthy for recovery for both of you not just are they comfortable for both of you. I think and know a certain amount of sacrifice and change HAS to be in order for him. But regardless if the goals aren't met and they are evaluated on solid progress not perfection, then the fault is on his shoulders for not stepping g to the line and working.
     
  2. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    Today have been a fairly good day, anxiety and stress have been on a managble level. But i also feel like my partner is close to a relapse, and when i told him that he agreed.

    A sign i have noticed besides him being lower and more withdrawn is how he reacts sexually towards me. For me its really clear when he wants me for me and when the addiction wants a fix. How he acts is really different depending on the reason. And it kinda makes me sad when like last night when we where cuddeling and i could feel that he wanted me, but for all the wrong reasons.

    Right now i wouldnt give in, not just for the addiction part of it pregnancy have made sex hurt alot. So i dont want to for that reason aswell. But even if i would have wanted it sucks to have to hold back, becouse sex would definetly lead to a relapse. And i feel like it would be on my consius since i know better or how im gona put it. Becouse i dont think he sees the same difference in hes want that i do.

    So i dont know, for now i guess we have to wait things out and see if he takes himself out of this lowpoint or not. I feel like its hard for me to help, at this stage he usually lashes out towards me if i try to help him. Even if i do it with good intentions.

    As a part of learning about BT he read my journal, and i dont know how i feel about that. He have refused before so i guess its good in that sense, but i have gotten used to this being my own place that it chocked me a bit. Not that i got something to hide, but i might have wanted him to ask how i feel about it.

    On the same subject i dont know if reading my journal is enough to learn what i feel, its a start but far from the big picture. If anything it reflects my pain in my worst moments, not so much everything that happens inbetween does moments.
     
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  3. MisterDirection

    MisterDirection Fapstronaut

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    Its progress that's the goal.

    Maybe work towards getting him to join, there are good people here he can speak with.

    My wife has a journal on the ladies side for private things, but she has hers here that I can read
     
  4. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    Today was not as good as yesterday, started the day with a panic attack. And when i started thinking i realized that my partner has been skipping classes in school and have again stopped looking for work.

    This situation really stresses me out, i go on maternety leave in two months and the money i get then wont be enough to support our baby and him. And if we end up in that situation i will be forced to go back to work more or less the moment i have healed up. But i cant stand the thought of doing that, and if it comes to that i honestly have to think about leaving.

    This is a serius situation that he needs to sort out, not just for me or himself but for our child. But he seems to take this lightly, saying he will start working on school again next week. I see no reason why he cant start asap, a part from procrastination from hes side.

    The thought of having a child with someone that takes this sort of things this lightly scares me alot. I feel like even if we cant sort out us or hes addiction propery before the child we should at least got this sort of things under controll. I have been working my ass of to get some sort of economical ground to stand on when she comes. But i got barly nothing to show for it due to these types of situations.
     
  5. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So something is wrong i just cant say what, i suspect a relapse but he says he havnt. And if thats the case i would say that he is channeling the addiction into this new game hes e playing.

    Becouse he spends most of hes time in front of the computer, being hard to motivate to do other things and spends little time with me. And both of those things are problems.

    First of all i feel really lonely and misserable, like if i want attention or help with something i almost always have to ask for it. Like can you take a break and help me with whatever it is.

    But mainly he is ignoring important things he should do, ranging from seeking jobs, doing schoolwork and basic things around the house. And i must say that i pretty fed up with having to patent him. Telling him he needs to do these things, only to be ignored most times. And picking up the slacks when he doesnt do things.

    And i feel like we are close to coming to a point where he just lets go like he did a while back when he lost hes job and i had to try to provide for both of us. Another week or two and he will be kicked out of school and lose the only source of income he got.

    I have tried talking to him about it, but he seems so distant that he doesnt really seem to care. Even when i said that if it comes to that point i might have to leave, becouse i cant provide for both him and the baby. He just stated that it would suck for me to have to make a decision like that. Not something about i will sort things out and make sure that it doesnt happen.

    And like i said having to parent him is getting really tiresome, and alot of times i feel like why should i bother? If he wants things to fall apart so be it. He might learn something that i am unable to teach him that way. I dont know.

    Lastly if it isnt a relapse but as i said that he is channeling hes addiction into something else it is still not progress. He is not learning other ways to cope with things, and the moment the game doesnt fill hes needs like it does now he will turn back to porn.
     
  6. BB7378

    BB7378 Fapstronaut

    Sounds like he has a cross addiction to gaming also. He is just replacing the dopamine hits from p with the ones for gaming. I also was addicted to gaming and I fond it harder to tell myself I will never go back to gaming. I think well it's only computer games and they don't hurt anyone. But that's not true. It is a complete distraction from reality and dealing with your emotions and real problems in real life. Also if yoy are in a committed relationship it starves your partner of time and intamacy. My gaming over the years was also really really hurtful to my wife. I decided to give it up about 20 months ago as it was intertwined with my addiction to p. I have relapsed into gaming 3 times now. Because I rationalized that it was nowhere near as bad as p but the emotional pain it can cause an SO is just as bad.

    I think your PA is still in a addictive patern and just numbing out with the preoccupation of gaming. This sounds so much like me and the things I would do when I was younger ( dodge school work, getting and keeping a job ).

    It will be really hard for him to let go because he is used to doing nothing and still having the comfort of ypu being there. I'm really sorry that you are going through this. It is absolutely horrible and I should never have done any of this to my wife either. Nobody deserves to be treated like this.

    I hope your SO wakes up before it's too late and actually really tries to be there for you.
     
  7. Tannhauser

    Tannhauser Fapstronaut

    I agree with @BB7378 it sounds like he has an addictive personality, and that it is being channeled into a video game right now. I've done that in the past, often thinking that somehow if I fill my time up with something innocuous (like a video game) that it will somehow keep out P. But it doesn't work out in the long run, I would always slip back.

    I do have to wonder, do you ever think your guy might have depression? It sound like he might be exhibiting some of the symptoms, and trying to hide it. Perhaps it would be good if he were to visit a professional.
     
  8. mrtumnus

    mrtumnus Fapstronaut

    Ouch. Yikes. Sounds like me when I'm letting my addict brain hold the reins. If he's anything like me, he is choosing not to care about anyone but himself. Gaming, porn, procrastination, TV, etc all serve to numb-out and avoid dealing with his reality - life is hard and you just have to go do it. He may even be forcing your hand to do something drastic so he doesn't have to, then he can paint you as the bad guy.

    I would argue that you shouldn't. Not necessarily separate or leave him, but set some hard boundaries and let him squirm a bit. Even if it comes to creating a separate bank account and ensuring that you have what you need to support you and the baby for a while (not sure if you have enough time for this).

    I'm sorry for what you're dealing with. It's all very close to home for me (the PA side), and I hate when I let the 'beast' control me and act out emotionally like your SO is doing. The only thing I can recommend is being brutally honest and direct with him. Tell him you HATE how he is acting, that it makes you ANGRY (or whatever feeling it evokes), it makes you not want to be with him, etc.
     
  9. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So i just woke up in the middle of the night by a panic attack and tought that i might aswell update on how things are going at home.

    To start with the panic attack just now, he relapsed last night while staying awake the entire night. Something i knew while it happend, so i slept really bad and had nightmares about what i would find in the morning. Adding to that i almost exploded with the urge to pee, being pregnant and all but to afraid to go to the bathroom since i have to walk past the computer. And as i have mentioned before not being able to move freely in the house really bothers me.

    So back to now, he didnt go to be with me tonight aswell and thats a huge warning sign. He said that he would watch one or two episods of a series and then come to bed. That was almost four hours ago.... So im guessing that he isnt done with hes relapse.

    We talked a bit yesterday about the relapse, first of all i had to confront him about it. He didnt own up to it himself. But what bothers me the most is the lack of emotions and empathy regarding how i was feeling. Like i told him about the nightmares, anxiety and the fact that i was to afraid to go to the bathroom when i needed. And all i got in response was more or less an okey. Nothing about being sorry for making me feel that way.

    We also talked about the fact that he have done the same as always, not doing anything besides just staying away from porn. So even if he managed to stay clean for a bit over 30 Days i dont see it as that much progress. More like good luck. And we talked about this after the relapse before this one, and he agreed that it takes more to get clean. He made a plan that he stuck to a few days, gave up and here we are.

    Adding on things not changing is also the fact that i had to tell him once again that he needs to do something besides just sitting at the computer all day. He needs an income if things with the baby is gona work. Becouse he has completly ignored doing hes schoolwork, even tho i have been reminding him alot and he have promised every time that he will.

    So we are really stuck in the same place we have been for way over a year. And im so sick of it and start to think that change is impossible. Unless i take drastic actions, but i dont want want to be stuck between either having to leave or parent two "children".

    And i know that if i bring it up i will get excuses like he cant, or he tries or that he is depressed. Becouse im sorry to say that being depressed doesnt excuse destroying someone elses life. Making them do all the work and take your consequenses.

    I have accually been there and done that myself, and realizing that and how bad i treated people around me was one of the biggest motivation for me to get out of my own depression. But i guess that he isnt ready to face that reality.
     
  10. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So things are not looking a whole lot better, after the relapse and talk a few days ago he really hasnt done anything.

    He said that he would reach out to hes AP here, start to be generally active here and start to take care of school. Out of does things he did haft of an asigment for school with my help and thats it. Besides that he still does alot of things that raises warning signs, like staying up way to late and spends most of hes time in front of the computer gaming.

    I feel like there is really no way to reach trough to him, and havnt been for weeks and im kind of at a loss about what to do. Like i can talk to him daily, but nothing i say has any effect at all.

    So to no suprise i have started to think about leaving, becouse i dont know what else i can possibly do. Maybe he needs that wakeup call or something i dont know. It is just really hard as i said to know how to handle this situation.
     
  11. Tannhauser

    Tannhauser Fapstronaut

    Maybe a temporary separation would wake him up. Maybe not.

    Have you suggested that he see a professional about his depression? That might be a good place for him to start.
     
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  12. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    Yea a temporary seperation was kind of what i was thinking. I dont know what else to do when i cant reach trough to him, and we cant communicate at all.

    Hes starting to see someone tomorrow, so ill see how that goes. Im just scared that he expects someone else to fix him, becouse he doesnt seem to see that even with help he is the one that have to do the work.
     
  13. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So i got alot on my mind today that i feel like i need to get of my chest.

    First of all some details about the resent relapse he had, it started with him looking for psubs on twitch. And this started while i was in the same room, i guess be tought it was fine since i cant see the screen from my chair or something. Doing it with me in the same room even if its "just" psubs is a huge issue for me. And that combined with the fact that it was girls on twitch, and that definetly falls in the camgirl category that i have told him to stay away from. So two huge boundries broken at the same time.

    I must also add to the fact that i was awake and aware about the relapse most of the time that i was scared to death about labor starting during that night. Im so far along now that it might happen anytime and if it had happend then.... i dont know all i can see in my mind is alot of yelling and throwing of stuff and not a calm and collected labor. Now nothing happend, and im very thankfull for that. But what about next time?

    We talked a bit about things this morning, and he is still so cold. Like he says that he is sorry but i dont see an ouns of regret in him. And that is really scary, he used to be at least some part sorry and regretfull. Now its just nothing, so i dont know if he really gets what he have done or how i feel becouse it really doesnt feel that way.

    Money also continues to be a huge issue, i have been home sick now for a bit over a week. But i feel forced to go back next week even tho im not really feeling any better. But if we are gona have any way of making ends met i have to. And im still so scared that the financial situation will force me to give up on being home with my child. As things are now i feel like i can be home maybe two or three months maximum. Not the minimum of half a year i had planed. And i dont think he gets how much im gona resent him if he takes that away from me. I dont want to miss my child growing up, specially in the beginning when she will need a mom the most.

    Lastly i cant get over the fact of how broken things are, like how i havnt been touched in months or felt decired. Or in some cases even loved. Most of the time i just feel used and abused and like someone he can take for granted. Perhaps even more now when he doesnt show any sign of being sorry for what i have been trough/is going trough.
     
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  14. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    I cannot really press 'like' on that post as it all sounds awful, but know that we are here thinking of you.
     
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  15. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So i dont know if today is a whole lot better then yesterday. We talked a bit more last night and i dont know if that changed anything to be honest. Im sad and broken but instead of changing things, trying to fix them and heal he just want to confort me. And i hate that, hes comfort is the last thing i want in this situation. I just see it as another way of breaking me down and i guess making me dependant on him. And it is also another way for him to normalize things.

    During our talk i also brought up the fact that im leaning more and more towards some sort of separation with things continuing to progress to the worst. First thing he said is that more treaths doesnt work. And that he dont belive in temporary seperations and that he dont want a real one. I tried to explain that it was more for me and my wellbeing then it was something to punish him. Giving myself time to heal and getting back on my feet. But he didnt seem to understand that either. For him its the same as always, normalize things and carry on like we have before. That seem to be the only thing he wants.

    He was also on my case about not being active and doing stuff. Saying that i use the pregnancy as an excuse and that i had no problem being active a month ago. And i dont know if he doesnt get how a pregnancy works, you cant compare me now to a month ago. Like the baby have grown alot in that time so have the belly. And he doesnt seem to get the fact that im either sleeping or is exhausted 22 out of 24 hours of the day, more or less everything hurt in one way or another.

    Like sitting upright at the computer gives me braxton hiccups after a few minutes, walking gives me extreme pain in my pelvis. And i can make the list longer. And yea he is right in the fact that i can push past the pain, since im stubborn as fuck. But why should I? Like its not the sort of pain that if i push trough it it goes away. Doing stuff makes it worse, and could possibly ruin the rest of the day by making me imobile.

    I also got a hard time taking this from the guy that spends all of hes time sitting in front of the computer doing nothing. Like i dont see him going out for walks or generally being active. So why the fuck does he think I should?

    I just see this as another sign of him being unempathic, becouse he really cant or doesnt want to understand how exhausting being pregnant is.So
     
  16. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    Its been a few days, perhaps a week now since my partner relapsed and we still seem stuck in the same pattern. After what i think was four talks in one week he accually did a few tings, but that it took that amount of nagging from me doesnt make it seem like alot of progress. And im really not sure if he is gona stick to things, he is allready procrastinating alot today.

    And i hate this situation so much, i find it almost unbarable. Like i told him the last time we talked he doesnt even pretend to want to change anymore, and i dont know for me it is a sign of how little he cares nowdays. There is no spirit to fix things or fight for the relationship, it more seems like he sits passive and either hope things go away by themself or that i will end things.

    The whole situation makes me have huge sleeping issues, i feel like its a defeat every time i go to bed together with him. Like im enabeling hes lack of will to do anything. And he doesnt seem to understand this. He is like just try to fall asleep, but that isnt the point. The point is as i said that im done enabeling him.

    Do the work if you want to be with me, dont just force me into this limbo.
     
  17. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    Things are still what feels like a huge mess, im misserable and so is he i guess. And we are still stuck in a place where he makes alot of promisses that he doesnt live up to. I brought this up before going to work today, and he feels like hes doing things and im not. Sure he did one of the things he was suposed to do, but that is not enough for me anymore. I have lost faith in that the rest of the things will get done, and i know from experience that he uses that one thing as an excuse to postpone the rest of the things that needs to be done.

    And i also cought him lying about what he have done, i havnt told him tho and dont know if i will but its still an issue.

    I dont get why things have to be so hard, why does every day have to feel like a huge battle? Why do i have to constantly fight to move anywhere, and why am i the only one fighting for things?

    Something else that is on my mind that makes me feel awefull is that im losing my patient with him and that he blames things on being depressed. It has been like this for one and a half year, him being to depressed to do anything and me having to pick up the slacks. And having the strenght to continue to do that is getting hard, becouse what am i getting back for it? Its also hard when i know for a fact that sitting apathic and do nothing is the worst thing you can do if you are depressed, you need to do things even if they seem hard if you want to get better.

    And like i have said before i hate excuses, and he has one for everything. School is to hard, hes feeling to low, he cant or he doesnt know. There is absoluty nothing that doesnt got an excuse, like this morning the fact that he had been to an meeting at school made it okey for him to not do any schoolwork, not posting here or fill me in on how hes handeling hes addiction.

    I dont know how much more i can take, either im gona have to leave or we make some sort of arregment to live together so both can be a part of our childs life. Either way im done pretending that this is something it isnt, becouse this isnt a relationship. This is him just purely using me.
     
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  18. Tannhauser

    Tannhauser Fapstronaut

    Hey @Amaterasus

    How is the baby doing?

    As somebody who struggles with P addiction and with depression, I have to agree with you on this one. I am reminded of the old John Wayne quote "Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway." I think the same applies to depression - when I am down, the real test is weather I will let the depression win, or will I fight through it to do something?

    I am sorry you are going through this with your guy. I really don't have any advice on how to get him to improve, which is a pity because it sounds like he has a lot of potential if he would only work on it. You and your baby deserve better.
     
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  19. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    She is getting so big now that the kicks have started to hurt a bit, and we are exactly one month from the due date today. But i wouldnt mind if she decided to come a bit earlier.

    And yea, i would say that depression is like climbing up a huge hill everyday but you do it anyway. Untill you reach a point where you climb it without thinking about it or having to put that much effort into it.

    I had a sever depression about 6 or 7 years ago, and it was hell. But it wasnt untill i decided to fight it full hearted that things started to change. And i wish he could see that, but any advice from me about it isnt really welcome. Becouse apperently things are so much easier for me and he doesnt work the same way etc.

    And yea we might not be the same but human nature and how the mind works is quite similar. If you convince yourself that something isnt possible you will really belive that if you give it enough time. And the same goes the other way around.
     
  20. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    We sort of had another conversation before bed yesterday, and i dont really know what to think of it. I yet again pointed out that he isnt doing what he is suposed to do. And he like always came with alot of excuses for everything and asked for more time.

    First of all, how much time can he need? Specially when he doesnt show alot of progress, its more like he does the bare minimum so there will be any progress at all.

    Second of all its not okey to keep asking for more time and patient over and over again when this situation is tormenting me. Things shouldnt always have to be done on my expence.

    I dont know what to think of it all, and it might be fuled on by the pregnancy hormones but im starting to feel really done. I am not expecting a huge amount of work, or sobriety. I want daily communication and some general work on things that needs to get done. And i dont know if i cant even get that i dont really se a point in things.
     

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