My heart brakes for you. Your story sounds like mine before my husband woke the fuck up. BUT for my husband to change I had to 1.) Kick his ass out of the house for a while 2.) Tell his family and friends the truth. I wasn't about to be isolated again and keep his secret while it killed me. I needed support this time!! 3.)Write my feeling on this forum so he could "get" what I had been saying over and over for YEARS. For some reason these PA's brains are shut down to understand and empathize with others. I could cry, scream, yell, beg, etc. and ask over and over for what I needed from him, but his blank and expressionless face is all I got back. BUT when he read in black and white on the computer screen my feeling and thoughts THEN he got it. It pissed me off, but also have me relief. I thought to myself, why the hell did it take him reading a computer screen to finally get you to understand the hurt you are causing me and our family?! In the past I would forgive him too quickly, let him stay in the house, and try to get back to normal for my comfort. Of course that only led to relapse and Dday again and again. My biggest advice to you is this. You have to show him you are strong and will do whatever it takes to protect and care for yourself. Do not worry about him anymore. Do not try to help him anymore. (There is nothing SO's can do to help anyway.) This is HIS fight for himself. As women, we will ruin ourselves for others...we need to stop that. Take care of YOU. Have your own checking and savings account, keep your full-time job with benefits, Also, document everything with proof of his addiction, any affairs, spending on porn, etc. in the case of divorce. You must protect yourself and those babies. Get separate bank accounts if you need to keep his addiction spending out of your money for you and the children. Do not give him passwords for those account and keep them safe. He has the problem, not you. If he isn't willing to change and is making excuses then time to move on. He will either fix his shit or not. PA's will keep feeling sorry for themselves, gaslight you, and become better liars. **If they do not show change through actions and emotional intelligence, then they are not in recovery. **If they are not willing to do whatever it takes to make you feel safe and secure (hand over their phones, not stay up later than you at night, keep the computer in the living room, not lock the bathroom door, go to therapy weekly, etc.) then they are not in recovery. **If you always have to find his relapse without him telling you, then he isn't serious about change. PA's will always test the boundries. PA's will always try to get away with Psubs and little white lies. Your eyes should be wide and your gut will tell you something is wrong. Trust only yourself. I wish you the best. Good labor vibes your way too, lady!