Our journey

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Amaterasus, Mar 18, 2019.

  1. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    My heart brakes for you. Your story sounds like mine before my husband woke the fuck up.
    BUT for my husband to change I had to
    1.) Kick his ass out of the house for a while
    2.) Tell his family and friends the truth. I wasn't about to be isolated again and keep his secret while it killed me. I needed support this time!!
    3.)Write my feeling on this forum so he could "get" what I had been saying over and over for YEARS.
    For some reason these PA's brains are shut down to understand and empathize with others. I could cry, scream, yell, beg, etc. and ask over and over for what I needed from him, but his blank and expressionless face is all I got back. BUT when he read in black and white on the computer screen my feeling and thoughts THEN he got it. It pissed me off, but also have me relief. I thought to myself, why the hell did it take him reading a computer screen to finally get you to understand the hurt you are causing me and our family?!
    In the past I would forgive him too quickly, let him stay in the house, and try to get back to normal for my comfort. Of course that only led to relapse and Dday again and again.

    My biggest advice to you is this. You have to show him you are strong and will do whatever it takes to protect and care for yourself. Do not worry about him anymore. Do not try to help him anymore. (There is nothing SO's can do to help anyway.) This is HIS fight for himself. As women, we will ruin ourselves for others...we need to stop that. Take care of YOU. Have your own checking and savings account, keep your full-time job with benefits, Also, document everything with proof of his addiction, any affairs, spending on porn, etc. in the case of divorce. You must protect yourself and those babies. Get separate bank accounts if you need to keep his addiction spending out of your money for you and the children. Do not give him passwords for those account and keep them safe. He has the problem, not you. If he isn't willing to change and is making excuses then time to move on. He will either fix his shit or not.

    PA's will keep feeling sorry for themselves, gaslight you, and become better liars. **If they do not show change through actions and emotional intelligence, then they are not in recovery. **If they are not willing to do whatever it takes to make you feel safe and secure (hand over their phones, not stay up later than you at night, keep the computer in the living room, not lock the bathroom door, go to therapy weekly, etc.) then they are not in recovery. **If you always have to find his relapse without him telling you, then he isn't serious about change. PA's will always test the boundries. PA's will always try to get away with Psubs and little white lies. Your eyes should be wide and your gut will tell you something is wrong. Trust only yourself.

    I wish you the best. Good labor vibes your way too, lady!
     
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2019
  2. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    I havnt posted in a few days now, but today i really need to vent. We saw the midwife yesterday for a rutine checkup and from nowhere my blood pressure has gone up alot so they are suspecting preeclamsia, and that feels really scary for many reasons.

    And in the middle of all of this my partner decides to derail, he hasnt relapsed but in other ways that i think will lead there. He was trying to convince me why he should buy weed one last time before the baby comes, but mainly he was talking himself into it. And i got many reasons alone for why thats a bad idea, the preeclamsia being one and the fact that the baby could come any day being another. But i also know as i said that this will lead to a relapse.

    And when he is like this there is really no reasoning with him, if it was he wouldnt have brought it up to begin with. But he even said things like this shouldnt affect my blood pressure since it would be a different kind of high bloodpressure if it was due to stress and not the pregnancy. And i mean come one, that is just straight out bullshit.

    I could write alot more about of this but the point is that i feel horrible. Im scared about what might happen to me and the baby, im scared about the fact that hes going in this direction. And i feel like the only thing i can do is to keep myself away from it. If i cant reason with him i have to walk away from it. I dont see any other solution.

    Lastly this entire thing makes me questioning things even more, what kind of relationship is this when he walks away when i need support the most?
     
  3. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    You are correct to tune into your intuition here and self reflect. And yes, your relationship is not stable right now because he is still struggling to actually recover. I am not sure if he is showing you any real actions of recovery. Is he? Do you think he is faking it and just saying all the right words? If you don't think he is going to be a positive support during labor, you should do what you can to protect your safe space during labor. If you are more comfortable without him there and have your mom or sister or a close friend there instead, then do it. Tell the hospital staff not to let him in. We need to care for ourselves as women and block out negative, toxic people-- especially during childbirth.
     
  4. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    I havnt posted in forever, i got really sick at the end of my pregnancy. Had high bloodpressure and severe animia, and spent the last few weeks before my baby was born in and out of hospital. Since one and a half week ago she is here and is the most adorable thing i have ever seen. Sadly tho i still struggle with my health, so my energy still is far from what it should be.

    My partner decided to go on a bender during the weeks i was sick, and didnt own up to it untill i confronted him last night. And i dont have to energy to go into details but things didnt go well. He have hit some new low points that i though was impossible to hit, and all i got was a shit ton of excuses.

    I dont know what more i have to say, exept that this relationship is over one way or another. There is no saving this anymore.
     
  5. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    I am so sorry to hear this, my dear. I am happy to read that you have an adorable little baby girl now, so congrats on that! Try to focus only on yourself and that precious baby. Many hugs your way. If you need to vent we are here for you!
     
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  6. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    Thank you! I will vent in a few days i think, i just have to take it slow when im still full of hormones that makes me cry alot (i just must say that hormones isnt fair in this situation)
     
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  7. Tannhauser

    Tannhauser Fapstronaut

    I can only imagine what you are going through. My heart just breaks for you, but I admire your strength in a difficult situation. Just know that as a community we are here for you to help however we can. Stay strong for your baby girl!
     
    +TenPercent likes this.
  8. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So i guess i should start talking about what happend to heal myself somehow even if that feels impossible right now.

    As i mention before i have spend some time at the hospital and my partner stayed there with me, and thats when hes relapse started. With me really sick, carrying hes child in the same room he watched porn almost every night after i got my painmeds to help me sleep. And i feel like that is truely unforgivable.

    He then went on continuing hes relapse at home, both the week before she was born and the week after. Without telling me or hes AP here, and i guess it would have continued if i didnt call him out on it.

    And i have been aware of it the entire time, even during the hospital stay. I was just to sick and worried to have the energy to deal with it. So my worst nightmare conserning the birth came trough aswell.

    As a sidenote i had a hellish time giving birth, the epidural didnt take so i had to go trough the entire labor without painmeds. Throwing up, passing in and out of consiussness and being in a state of panic. And that has affected my wellbeing aswell, i never thought things would go that way.

    But anyway, i really feel like i cant forgive him at all. I mean who does that? And he knows that watching porn with me in the room is a huge no no. Doing it while we are at the hospital becouse im really sick is just nasty.

    For now i have kicked him out of the bedroom and kicked myself out of hes destructive circle of promisses that he wants to get better. I have also told him that the chanse of us having and intimate relationship is more or less over. And i know that it isnt enough compared to what he has done, but i feel like i have to take things in steps and figure out what i want. I also feel like i cant just throw him out when we have a 2 week old child together.
     
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  9. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    Another thing that hurts alot in this situation is the fact that i got alot of injuries during childbirth and had to had a decent amount of stitches. That alone really makes me feel like less of a women. How will i ever feel atractive again knowing what i look like down there?

    Having my partner watching porn when i feel that way really doesnt help. It just enforces the fact that im undecirable and less of a women.

    And for him to even understand that it is hurtfull i had to explain it by asking him how he would feel if i blew up hes dick and then watched nothing but big dick porn. And yea he got it then, but i dont understand why i have to explain that to him in the first place.

    Im also really stressed about getting back into shape, not for hes sake but for mine. I really need to feel like myself again and feel somewhat atractive. But im still weeks away from being able to work out and that just gives me anxiety. I want to feel good about myself now...
     
  10. RUNDMC

    RUNDMC Fapstronaut

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    Their lack of empathy resembles extreme stupidity.
     
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  11. Tannhauser

    Tannhauser Fapstronaut

  12. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    Hi! Im pretty sure im dying from sleep exhaustion, my little baby girl thinks night time is the best time to be awake. Therefor the lack of updates even tho i think about posting and have tried a few times only to get distracted halfway trough.

    Thinks have been hard, i have been trough alot in the last 2 months and with a newborn its hard to process things.

    We still struggle ALOT, from everything between sharing responsibilities to what we want to do about the relationship. I have made it clear that if it was just me i would be out by now, but with our daugther in the picture i dont want to make any rash decisions. He wants it all, us to work and be a happy family. And i guess idealy i would want that to, but i cant really see it becoming a reality.

    Hes decires to keep me and the relationship going is exhausting, not from a lack of interest from me but due to him being so forward. I want space, he wants to live on top of me 24/7 and gets sad/grumpy when i dont want to cuddle and spend time with him.

    I have tried my best to talk about how i feel about things, like how i need more space or more help with the baby so i can sleep a bit more. But like help with the baby its either me having her all around the clock or him having her for hours once i point it out. And i dont know, cant there be a middle ground somewhere?
     
  13. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    So i just wanted to make a quick post about something thats on my mind. The end of my pregnancy i was really sick, and we didnt get alot of info about how bad it was or how they would treat it. So naturaly we where scared about either me or the baby not making it. Mostly due to me allready lacking alot of blood due to sever animia. And you are gona lose blood during labor, and that was really scary.

    To cope with this my partner turned to porn, not supricing i guess but that left me all alone in all of that. And not having hes support when i was that scared has really hurt me.

    He claims that he was psysiclly there and that was somehow enough becouse he would be there if something happend. And yea worst case he could watch me die and how does that help anyone? He wasnt there to support me trough it, take away or at least share my conserns.

    I also know that hes lack of consern made me communicate less with hospital staff when i needed help. Becouse if he didnt care why would they?

    Now both me and the baby are fine after i had several blood transfusions after the labor. But the wounds of going trough things alone is still there.
     
  14. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

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    We are fighting alot lately, about more or less everything. The usual theme is what have happend, my partners mom and who should be awake and take care of our daugther.

    And in all of this i feel so pushed down, one example is the issue with hes mom. Every time shes here she questions how much clothes the baby have on, isnt she cold etc. And no matter how many times i explain that no she isnt to cold and im keeping check on the temperature she wont let it go. She even called my partner one time after a visit to convince him that she was right.

    And like any parent i dont like being questioned on how well i take care of my child. It gives me anxiety and i have even had nightmares where social services have showed up to question why the baby isnt wearing 17 blankets. Becouse she want the baby to be fully dressed, with hats and socks and at least have dubbble blankets if not a blanket and a cover.

    But when we talk about this and how i want her to stop becouse it makes me feel bad and its not okey to do he defend her, and i shouldnt take things so hard and be so insecure.

    And i dont know i feel pushed down, gasligted and manipulated in every conversation. And im so tired of having to fight this full force every time. It shouldnt be so hard to be heard or respected.
     
  15. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    Oh, this breaks my heart to read this! I wish I could be there IRL to help you. I remember those postpartum feelings when things were bad with PA. You feel so small and insignificant to everyone around. You feel so disrespected and unheard. I just makes us angry and sad and we feel crazy. Hormones are a bitch and what you are enduring right now isn't fair! You are a strong, intelligent, wonderful, caring and loving person and a great mom!! Don't forget that. Please let us know how you are doing when you get another chance to post. Much love to you, my dear.
     

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