Our journey

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by Amaterasus, Mar 18, 2019.

  1. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    My heart brakes for you. Your story sounds like mine before my husband woke the fuck up.
    BUT for my husband to change I had to
    1.) Kick his ass out of the house for a while
    2.) Tell his family and friends the truth. I wasn't about to be isolated again and keep his secret while it killed me. I needed support this time!!
    3.)Write my feeling on this forum so he could "get" what I had been saying over and over for YEARS.
    For some reason these PA's brains are shut down to understand and empathize with others. I could cry, scream, yell, beg, etc. and ask over and over for what I needed from him, but his blank and expressionless face is all I got back. BUT when he read in black and white on the computer screen my feeling and thoughts THEN he got it. It pissed me off, but also have me relief. I thought to myself, why the hell did it take him reading a computer screen to finally get you to understand the hurt you are causing me and our family?!
    In the past I would forgive him too quickly, let him stay in the house, and try to get back to normal for my comfort. Of course that only led to relapse and Dday again and again.

    My biggest advice to you is this. You have to show him you are strong and will do whatever it takes to protect and care for yourself. Do not worry about him anymore. Do not try to help him anymore. (There is nothing SO's can do to help anyway.) This is HIS fight for himself. As women, we will ruin ourselves for others...we need to stop that. Take care of YOU. Have your own checking and savings account, keep your full-time job with benefits, Also, document everything with proof of his addiction, any affairs, spending on porn, etc. in the case of divorce. You must protect yourself and those babies. Get separate bank accounts if you need to keep his addiction spending out of your money for you and the children. Do not give him passwords for those account and keep them safe. He has the problem, not you. If he isn't willing to change and is making excuses then time to move on. He will either fix his shit or not.

    PA's will keep feeling sorry for themselves, gaslight you, and become better liars. **If they do not show change through actions and emotional intelligence, then they are not in recovery. **If they are not willing to do whatever it takes to make you feel safe and secure (hand over their phones, not stay up later than you at night, keep the computer in the living room, not lock the bathroom door, go to therapy weekly, etc.) then they are not in recovery. **If you always have to find his relapse without him telling you, then he isn't serious about change. PA's will always test the boundries. PA's will always try to get away with Psubs and little white lies. Your eyes should be wide and your gut will tell you something is wrong. Trust only yourself.

    I wish you the best. Good labor vibes your way too, lady!
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2019
  2. Amaterasus

    Amaterasus Fapstronaut

    I havnt posted in a few days now, but today i really need to vent. We saw the midwife yesterday for a rutine checkup and from nowhere my blood pressure has gone up alot so they are suspecting preeclamsia, and that feels really scary for many reasons.

    And in the middle of all of this my partner decides to derail, he hasnt relapsed but in other ways that i think will lead there. He was trying to convince me why he should buy weed one last time before the baby comes, but mainly he was talking himself into it. And i got many reasons alone for why thats a bad idea, the preeclamsia being one and the fact that the baby could come any day being another. But i also know as i said that this will lead to a relapse.

    And when he is like this there is really no reasoning with him, if it was he wouldnt have brought it up to begin with. But he even said things like this shouldnt affect my blood pressure since it would be a different kind of high bloodpressure if it was due to stress and not the pregnancy. And i mean come one, that is just straight out bullshit.

    I could write alot more about of this but the point is that i feel horrible. Im scared about what might happen to me and the baby, im scared about the fact that hes going in this direction. And i feel like the only thing i can do is to keep myself away from it. If i cant reason with him i have to walk away from it. I dont see any other solution.

    Lastly this entire thing makes me questioning things even more, what kind of relationship is this when he walks away when i need support the most?
  3. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    You are correct to tune into your intuition here and self reflect. And yes, your relationship is not stable right now because he is still struggling to actually recover. I am not sure if he is showing you any real actions of recovery. Is he? Do you think he is faking it and just saying all the right words? If you don't think he is going to be a positive support during labor, you should do what you can to protect your safe space during labor. If you are more comfortable without him there and have your mom or sister or a close friend there instead, then do it. Tell the hospital staff not to let him in. We need to care for ourselves as women and block out negative, toxic people-- especially during childbirth.

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