over 2 months sober, Grace is available in these challenging times

May 22th, 2020

Hi everybody, I felt it would be nice and helpful to tell my story.

I’m a 48 years old man and pornography as always been part of my sexual life. My father had porn magazines and movies (internet wasn’t there yet) and I looked often at it as a teenager. 12 years ago I decided to cancelled my internet connection cause I wasn’t able to stop watching porn. Over the years I had several relapses, downloading porn wherever I can, flirting with the fear of being caught.

At one moment I even got over a year without watching porn but I always knew I wasn’t cured. It was only by my will that I succeed in staying away from porn. But I ended relapsing more often after this.

Now with the lockdown, I needed to have an internet connection cause my courses at the university were given online only. I had no choice. So I had a 10 days notice before the connection is operational. During those days, before sleeping, I prayed. Not in a religious way but in a personal spiritual way. Over the last years I opened myself to the teachings of some spiritual teachers, living or deceased. I made some retreat. I was praying to heal different dysfunctional aspects in my life but it seems not to work, to my despair.

So during those 10 days I prayed. I dedicated my prayer to a feminine Indian master (Ma Ananda Mayi, now deceased) cause I trusted her and need the sacred feminine polarity of human to help me. I also invoked my dear mother (also deceased), to help me heal. This is very personal and it has not to be this way for someone else.

After those 10 days of prayers, my internet connection was working and it only took a couple of hours before I watch porn. For three days I watched porn, a little desperate. Then I decided to look for videos on porn addiction. That’s where I heard about Nofap. I read a lot of interesting things here. I received a Nofap document that I read partially.

Something subtle happened then. It’s a mix of being informed, that I acted like a junky who need is fix, and a mix of Grace I was asking for so long.

The day after this I knew I was healed. It’s difficult to explain. Of course, I didn’t wan’t to fooled myself, so I was careful, but it was so strong this feeling of being free from any sexual temptation. Now it’s been over 2 months I haven’t watched porn and it’s so easy, there is no more struggle. I saw images that would normally triggered me but there is just no desire to go there anymore, and it even makes me laugh. There is something different, it’s a deep realisation. I keep the nofap document in the case I would have a craving and promise me I would read the rest of it before any unexpected comeback of the craving but honestly, it would be highly surprising that occurring.

I feel so grateful and I continue my prayers, this time to thank and express my gratitude. Now I understand why some alcoholics say that an alcoholic is one for the rest of his life. That was the same for me, even when I was abstinent for long periods, I sensed that the problem was still there and had to be careful. But I can also understand why in the AA they say “ we came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity”, and also "We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him". And then Grace can come, at it’s moment and we are finally delivered once and for all.

I will conclude saying that now is a very good time to cure. These difficult times were living in right now are proportionally beneficials for those who looks for help and healing. And I deeply believe that when one is cured, it facilitates the cure for others, as we are all connected on the deepest level. Let’s live in harmony : we all know what is good and what is not right for us. I wish you all the best!

 

As I wrote, I do believe it is an extremely good time to heal. I'd say : the greatest the challenge, the greatest opportunity there is. The more benefits you can access...

 

I guess it has to do with the post I wrote yesterday cause I had a whole night of dream related to pornography and excitement. I woke up many times. When I was between worlds I feared I would relapse. I had an erection most of the night. But when I woke up fully, I had absolutely no interest in going there. I think it was only a relic of my ancient life, like the wheel of a bicycle that continues to spin for a while after you stopped pedaling.

 

Hi dear, I would say that each step you make to try to improve is worth it. Relapse is no big deal. Don't focus on that, focus on your desire to be free. I don't know exactly where my freedom come from but it is surely a little bit of everything I tried : period of abstinence, watching inspirational videos, reading spiritual books, eating well. Anything that can nourish your soul, that you feel is right. Because our dysfunctions are many so we have to see the big picture, porn addiction is just one part of the global dysfunction. Our souls are ill and once we recognize it, we do what is necessary to get better. We try, we just try to do our best.
The urges come and go. They are not always high.
I am touched by your desire to recover and am sure you will succeed at the right time.

 

I discovered also that there can be a place for masturbation occasionally but it has not to connect with pornography, obviously. Those are two complete different things. When a stressful situation is lived for example, one might want to do it to get a little relief and there is no harm as long as you stay centered on your real desire to heal and respect your integrity.