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over 50 and need help, whatever it takes

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by wally_s, Mar 11, 2015.

  1. wally_s

    wally_s Fapstronaut

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    I am 52 years old and have been using internet porn for probably fourteen years or so. I got my first high-speed connection in the fall of 2001 and immediately took to going after porn clips and pics in large quantities and frequently. Honestly, I really thought that lots of jerking off was a healthy thing and that it would make things even stronger for when the right girl came along. My actual sexual experiences for about ten years of that time were only few and far in-between encounters with the ex-wife and those stopped in 2010.

    Well then, needless to say now, when the right girl did come along last fall and after a couple weeks of dating she gave herself to me… I couldn’t get it up, no erection, nothing. I was horrified, embarrassed, worst feeling in the world. She told me it was okay, we cuddled and went to sleep, then tried again in the morning. Again, nothing worked, a futile effort. I went to my doctor who gave me some samples of Cialis, but the girl never gave me another opportunity and we broke up within the next few weeks. At that point I still did not equate my use of porn and masturbation to the erectile dysfunction and, if anything, I stepped up the PMO in an attempt to “prove” to myself that my stuff still worked, that I could still achieve an erection. I tried one of the Cialis pills just to see what the effect was like. Everything seemed to work okay, but I was by myself with porn or pornographic fantasy.

    Then, about a month ago, I was on YouTube and somehow happened upon the Ted talk video, “The Great Porn Experiment” presented by Gary Wilson, and my whole world and entire way of thinking was turned completely upside down. I watched it a second time and realized what my problem was and has been for many years. I had truly been thinking that porn was doing me a favor but instead it was stealing from me, taking away my ability to be sexual with another person. Literally, robbing me of my dreams. That wake-up was as stark and real as anything I have ever experienced. My heart still races when I think about it. I have sworn off porn for good. On March 15, it will be one month since I last viewed internet porn and I try to avoid any overly sexual material either on the internet or television.

    Masturbation is another creature, however. I have not yet been able to go more than a week without jerking off. The sexual thoughts and fantasies that invade my mind are insidious and just creep in all the time. I try to shake them off, and maybe I am getting better at it, but when I have fallen it is fast and furious, over quickly and then remorse. Why can’t I maintain self-control? Stop “wasting my seed” as one YouTube video guy calls it. My mind is definitely not clean, it is corrupt with pornographic thinking, and I somehow never realized just how much. I just didn’t see it coming.

    I am here because I am desperate. I want and need to function again. I’ve got a lot of life left to live and I really want a partner to share experiences with, and of course, to have great sex with. I want to be healed and I’m willing to do whatever it takes.

    I’m reset back to day one because of a masturbation relapse last night and I did have a struggle earlier in the day here at work, but I was able to turn and walk out of the bathroom stall. It often feels like minute to minute but trying to keep occupied, busy doing things, interacting with others. This feels like the most difficult thing I have ever attempted to do in my life. But it has to be done. Glad to be here, glad to have found NoFap and other resources. And grateful and relieved to know now, to have a knowledge of my real condition. Thanks.
     
  2. aaron92

    aaron92 Fapstronaut

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    Hello and welcome along :) Good luck with your recovery.
     
  3. wally_s

    wally_s Fapstronaut

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    Thank you, aaron92! Very glad to be here; it gives me a tremendous amount of hope to hear of people's efforts and success. Makes me a believer in NoFap!
     
  4. skart

    skart Guest

    all the best
     
  5. freedomwarrior

    freedomwarrior Fapstronaut

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    Hello Wally, and good to meet you. I turn 51 on Monday and make my home in Texas, so you are in good company. You should be very proud of yourself for admitting the problem and taking steps to fix it. You will beat this. Yes, it is the toughest thing you have ever done. Read the posts. People say quitting smoking, drinking, drugs, food, was a walk in the park compared to reigning in the right hand from the mouse and the left hand from the penis.

    Please stop for a reality check. You are less than one month into this. You have watched internet porn for 14 years, and probably masturbated for 20 plus years before that. This is not an overnight sensation. This is a day by day, sometimes minute by minute, victory. Going a week is a big victory. Celebrate it. Staying away from porn is giant victory. Celebrate it. You filled your brain for 14 years. The thoughts and fantasies will seep out and will diminish over weeks and months and maybe years, not over minutes and days. It won't take 14 years to empty your brain, but even if it did, it is a lot better than continuing to cram more porn into your brain.

    Celebrate your victories. Share your successes. Stay strong.

    Your fellow 50+ year old friend,

    FW

    PS...the younger generation on here is probably amazed we can even still get it up without a bottle of pills. Won't they be surprised when they get as ancient as we are and all is still working.
     
  6. wally_s

    wally_s Fapstronaut

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    Hello FreedomWarrior, and thank you so very much for the encouragement and support. At work right now and don't have time to type much right now, but I am grateful to have found this forum and to be a part of. I certainly plan to spend much time here, reading and participating! Thanks again! Will check back in soon.
     
  7. The Eleven

    The Eleven Fapstronaut

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    Wally, I'm a few years younger than you and the girlfriend in your story is my wife, but our stories are very similar. Welcome to the group -- you definitely came to the right place. WE CAN DO THIS!
     
  8. wally_s

    wally_s Fapstronaut

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    Hello TheEleven and sorry I'm just now seeing this comment post of yours while checking back on my initial post. We can do this, I believe it now, with every passing day. This forum is amazing helpful, definitely an essential part of my path to recovery. Thanks again!
     

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