Overcoming Sexual Fantasy

It's difficult to explain. I sort of completely rebooted my psyche and reintegrated parts of my self that I had been repressing my whole life because of social, cultural and familial conditioning. I really came to understand at an emotional level that I am not my thoughts and that it's OK to have weird stuff going through our minds or being aroused by weird stuff. I used to be crippled by shame and thinking that my sexuality and sexual urges were evil/wicked, but that's mostly gone now. I still probably don't feel very confident with my sexuality but that's so much better than last year because the shame is gone.

Because of that, even if I start fantasizing nowadays, or even watch porn, the grip it used to have on me is sort of gone. It's like I really don't care anymore, in the sense that I'm not gonna feel ashamed of myself, obsess about how bad a person I am and mentally harass myself with super harsh critical thoughts. And so I guess my porn consumption has naturally decreased and to be honest the lie of porn and fantasy is less appealing by the day. I'm longing for real intimacy.

The shame kept me in a vicious circle: PMO/fantasies to temporarily escape reality and the intense feeling of shame > more shame > more obsession. Now it's sort of broken.

I haven't met anyone yet so I'm still single and I haven't had sex for almost a year but I think my past PIED and DE problems were mostly due to psychological problems and extremely shame and anxiety that totally inhibited me sexually. I've worked hard on it and I hope things will be better from now on. I still believe that excessive/compulsive masturbation coupled with porn or fantasy is bad but I think it's only part of the problem.

For me at least there have been two levels of work. The first level has been working on my shame by reevaluating my whole history and belief system and bringing to light as much of my Unconscious as possible. The second level is working on the compulsive PMO habit because changing a compulsive/addictive behavior requires a specific process which NoFap explains really well (while sort of missing the first level).

You are a mindfulness practitioner so I'm sure you know what I mean about coming to understand your self at an emotional level and observing your thoughts rather than being controlled by emotions and thoughts For me being able to grow my Observing Self has been one of the most liberating things ever.

 

I can totally relate to that. I feel like I've come to understand where these fantasies come from. It took the shame away. It's strange to think it's essentially a construct of our unconscious trying to solve unresolved psychological issues that emerged during our development in order to allow us to reach a sexual climax.

I'll definitely check that book you recommended. I got my hand on another one in the meantime called "Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction" by Eddie Capparucci.