Oversexualizing woman

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by mikexperiment, Jun 13, 2018.

  1. mikexperiment

    mikexperiment Fapstronaut

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    Hey everybody,

    I've been doing the no PMO for 3 days, today is my fourth, and it's getting kinda hard (ha!) not to get turned on everytime I see a beautiful woman in the street. It's like my head begins to wonder the possible ways we could pleasure each other, and to realize how pretty she is. Sometimes I don't even think it explicitly, I just get turned on by looking at cute teenager face, or seeing nice hair falling down and pretty woman's back. And that is the case with literally every woman I find attractive that I see in the street.

    I am aware that if I start a conversation with any of them I snap out of this and start seeing them as human beings instead of lovely pieces of meat that could pleasure me and I'd love to pleasure. But it's still really annoying to see this happen, for example today I saw a woman in her mid 20s that had really pretty hands, soft skin, nice color, nicely shaped finger, and I thought to myself: "I can aknowledge that she has pretty hands, without sexualizing, right?" So I stared at her hands for like 2 minutes and I began to get an erection, and I tried to control it but literally was unable unless I looked away. As far as I know, I don't have a hand fetish, I have never looked up for hand porn or fapped to pictures of hands, It's not something I would like, so why the fuck does this happen? I'm confident the same would have happened if I had looked at her face if she were handsome, or at her belly if she were fit.

    I'm kind of confused and annoyed by the lack of control over my own body. I hope that no PMO for 30 days will be enough to make me change how I view woman. This is one of the reasons I'm quitting porn for good.
     
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  2. Master of chastity

    Master of chastity Fapstronaut

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    I know what you mean - I guess we are all in the same place. My big problem is that I haven an office with no one around so I have wasted innumerable amounts of timeblocks wasting my life with PMO. To snap out of that for the time being I am working in public cafes these days. Here are beautiful faces, legs, scents, skins, hands, etc. . I am oversexualizing and it seems I am powerless. I know from experience though that this wears off to a certain degree. The is to abstain from P for as long a possible. The brain rewires and we can eventually go back to a normal life.
     
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  3. I think it’s a bit normal to oversexualize women, and especially with so much P consumption it really makes it that much harder. But the main point should be that what you fantasize about and what you do are two different things. Just because you think a certain way about a woman doesn’t mean that’s how you want to actually treat them.

    Yesterday at the gym, there’s this woman who is always there when I am, and I have had the constant oversexualization thoughts of her when I see her, and before NoFap I never would’ve ever approached her until yesterday, I introduced myself and said “good morning, I’ve seen you around the last few weeks and you’re really a “gym-piration” to keep working hard.” And she told me her name and said “thank you, I’ve actually seen you too, and you’re really grinding and putting in work too. Like I should be working out as hard as you do!” And I was floored!? I never thought this woman ever noticed me there. But I learned that just the simplest introduction and compliment made her not a sexual object but now a human being to interact with and encourage. It may not be like that every time with every woman in ever scenario, but Today I saw her again, and talked to her for a little bit, and carried on. But now that ease of acknowledgement towards each other (even though I’m married and will never Persue anything with her, and I told her I was married) is far better than the sexualization I had towards her.
     
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  4. Peter Pettigrew

    Peter Pettigrew Fapstronaut

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    I know what you mean. Shit dude, porn is a real fucker. It's taken me the longest time to come to understand just how detrimental it is to my health. I remember the day I decided that my porn addiction had really gone too far. I was sitting on the couch and watching some random, non-sexual show on tv. A really beautiful woman came on and my hand went straight to for my dick. I sat there for a few seconds with my dick in my hand, kinda just taking in wtf had happened. I had had many wake up calls before then but that one made me aware of how I had been hypersexualising women without recognising it.

    I guess the only way to really change it is to abstain from porn. But you're on the right track because you're questioning your conditioning. You recognise that there is an issue and you know what it is. Many people who quit porn don't make the connection that the hypersexualisation is also a huge problem. I'm still dealing with the same thoughts you have but they're becoming less prevalent.
     
  5. @mikexperiment, I used to have that same feeling of my brain wondering all the possible ways to please each other so badly in High School that I literally kept a spiral with me and in class if there was a girl that was the object (that word right there ‘object’) of my lust I would literally write erotica/fan fiction about that girl and Masturbate to it at home later. And I did fill up the spiral. Even my ex was in that spiral because we shared a class together and I never though I ever had a chance with her. The only reason we even got together was because a friend of mine had a crush on her, and he asked me to pass a note to her. (Note, years before texting) I didn’t even have the confidence to do that and I had a girl friend of mine do it and my ex asked her if it was from me because she knew we were friends and thought it was my note. My friend told her it wasn’t and my ex said she didn’t want it then, and that I should talk to her because my ex thought I was “cute”.

    As soon as I started talking to my ex, it was nothing like I had written in the spiral. It was actually far better once we got to our sexual exploration.

    So no matter how you sexualize a woman like in my case, even everything I thought of and wrote didn’t compare to once I actually talked to her and made her human and not an object. So it all begins with just simple interaction, and whether it’s good or bad you never know where that connection can lead to.
     
  6. CalvinCongruent

    CalvinCongruent Fapstronaut

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    This is an important thread. Objectification is no joke, I catch myself doing it all the time, and P has definitely shaped the way that I see women. I know it’s warped, and that’s why I’m here. Don’t very much like the state of feeling totally inept and full of shame to even look at a woman. It’s like, immediately they’re up on this pedestal, and there I am, utterly conflicted and ashamed and scared.
    Been beginning to realize the rehabilitating area of the ‘friend zone’ in that way. At least you have a girl that you can relate to. Not every girl you meet needs to be a romantic interest. A. That’s way too much pressure and B. That only perpetuates the anxiety pain and desperation that drew me to P in the first place.

    Got passionate for a minute, I was thinking about this very topic today. If I am looking for wholesome and fulfilling relationships with women, then I must shift the mindset away from objectivifying. Need to risk going deeper as a person. Unfortunately, and we’re all in a similar boat - early exposure to P has distorted a lot of what we consider to be normal or healthy. And that is why we are here, to reset and restore our nature and humanity.
     
  7. mikexperiment

    mikexperiment Fapstronaut

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    I've had very little sexual or sentimental interaction with women in my life, but when I've had it, it was by far much more rewarding and intense than any fantasy I've ever made up in my head, even when there was only a platonic connection, without any sex or sexual behaviour involved.
    At the end of the day life is just about conquering your fears and fighting for what you want, using any tool that might work for you in order to achieve your goals. I really have to work on my anxiety and begin to expose myself again, so that at least there's a possibility I can find a woman than can want me as I am.
    Thanks man, you've made me remember the times I've had things going with women and motivated me to fight for that again.
     
  8. (TRIGGER WARNING)

    P has greatly affected me too in objectification and still is a struggle. I used to search P to find videos of the women I saw/interacted with in real life. Even a couple of days ago I finally talked to this girl at the gym, and when she told me her name it automatically went to a porn star with the same name. I didn’t cave in though, and have stayed strong. I talked to her again today for a few minutes and it was natural and I was honest and I feel really good now that she’s not an “object” and is a peer in the same environment as me.

    And you’re right about the “friend zone” and rehabilitating it. I have a co-worker who every guy here goes gaga and drools over, and I’m guilty of the same, but lately I have had some good conversations and progress as far as respecting her as a human and not an object. I have felt comfortable around her too because of her looks and how incredibly attractive she is and I can keep eye contact with her now knowing what I know and sharing what I have with her. I don’t ever think anything will happen between us because we’re both married but talking to her makes me feel more confident in the workplace.
     
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  9. Keep on it, good sir. The more you stick with no PMO, (I’m married so I only have sex with my wife to O) the better you will feel and your confidence will grow. Think about and do things that benefit you and make me feel good about yourself. You can do this and it does take time.

    And I have found that with this thread oversexuallizing women is what led me to a lot of P consumption and now my actions have changed. At the gym there’s another woman who I have constantly oversexualized and I wanted to tell her “hello, I’m...have a good day.” But I couldn’t just walk up to her and do it because I still have that anxiety and fear that she will tell me to fuck off etc. I had the same fear about the first woman, and not every woman is the same. You’re right about conquering your fears, if she does tell me to fuck off, oh well, she’s just a mean person and I certainly won’t see any good reason to dwell on her be used then I will know what her attitude is like toward people just trying to be nice.
     

  10. UPDATE: I did conquer my fear and I DID talk to this woman at the gym, and another woman too that I over sexualized and the conversations I had with both of them really opened my eyes tremendously, and my outlook on oversexualizing and relating to people.

    So I approached both of these woman (the first one by choice as mentioned yesterday, the other by random chance at a machine) and was polite and told them my name, and told them both to have a good rest of the day. They both were polite and it led to conversations about our workouts and how we’ve each noticed each other and how hard we go and our goals etc. just casual conversation about the exact reason we are there at the gym in the first place. I realized that after talking about why where there, these women have the same insecurities (at least about their look) that I do so that’s already putting past the sexualization for me, because now I can relate and small talk to them about the reason we are there at the gym. For me I feel like this is a huge step now because I don’t feel awkward and clumsy and have a urge of feeling like a hungry sexual animal and I have a sense of respect because of how nice and polite these women have been.
     
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  11. drewharbour

    drewharbour Fapstronaut

    Great topic that I don’t see much focus on. I find that it’s likely oversexualization is the root cause of my issues around PMO and has been a detriment to all my relationships and now my marriage.
    I started NoFap with PMO in mind and wasn’t prepared to find out that it was the mental fantasy that would be my true battle. 60+ days PM free, probably actually 90 days P free but the fantasy/objectification is still a very real and persistent issue. PM is what pissed my wife off but it was the admission of mental cheating that might cost me my marriage.
    Let that be a warning to those looking for their dream girl, PMO and objectification does not disappear even when you find your perfect women. It could very likely cost you a beautiful spouse, a family, a house. My wife is no prude and her anger towards my behaviour is real, justified, and not going away anytime soon.
    I’m having an easier time not ogling but I’ve yet to find a way feel free of the craving to stare. Staring is the trigger for me. I hope a long reboot may make at least push these thoughts into a place I can control compared to having control over me and my life.
     
  12. Congrats on your progress, good sir. Fantasy/objectification is a persistent issue for me, that I am working on daily. While my brain does have so much to fantasize with on a daily basis (women at the gym, women at work) I truly believe that what you think about should not weigh you down and make you feel guilty, anxiety, fear to what you actually do.

    Oversexualization has ruined my outlook and kept me in a detrimental state of mind for so long. Later in life with great access to P, I used to spend hours searching for PStars that looked like women in my real and daily life. Always admiring them and objectifying them because of their looks and appearances. While lately I have found myself just talking to women at the gym that I have oversexulized to be so rewarding in the sense that I have respect for them after listening to them and relating to them on a little scale of basic existence. This morning, two women that I broke that barrier with greeted me this morning and it felt great, I felt wanted and like I belonged in the gym with these women and people and my workout felt greater than last weeks before it’s that simple interaction that makes everything a positive experience.

    You’re right, it does not disappear, and while it’s a struggle for me, you’re complete an honest truth to your wife may not be the best approach. My wife would divorce me if I told every single moment I had a mental thought about another woman, but like the women I’ve talked to at the gym, I’m not in a sexual pursuit or side woman, and I have told them all I am married so they know I’m not a sleaze just trying to hook up. If youre struggling this badly and have a moment where you mentally think of another woman, just switch your brain to text your wife “I love you” or something sweet to dedicate your thoughts to her

    Like I said, just text her or tell her about good memories you two have when you have a craving, think of something y’all want to do and plan it, when Those outside fantasies creep in, shift it back to your wife and why you’re with her and why you love her

    One day at a time, good sir. You will become architect of your own destiny.
     
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  13. Joe1981

    Joe1981 Fapstronaut

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    Dude thank you so much for this post...It's exactly what I needed as I'm in an IDENTICAL situation.

    I'm obsessed with this girl at my gym...but I'm trying to focus on getting healthy because I'm coming out of a very bad time in my life with mental health issues and physically unhealthy. I am married with a baby. And realizing that PMO is something I've been in denial about for a long time am trying to rewire the brain with the gym being a part of the plan.

    I've made eye contact with her a few times and think she might be attracted to me because she's always near me but then I fantasize about her and am like a school boy with a crush again. " Does she like me?" "she's so hot" " should I talk to her?" why would she like me...I'm too skinny?" "I'm married can i be friends with her"

    It's very distracting and when I see her my thoughts are consumed with infatuation. Maybe one of these days I'll just smile and say or nod hello...and that will be that.

    The cold showers have been helping because I think of all the favourite porns that have been engrained in my mind or the girls I fantasize about sex with...I want to rewire my brain...I want a fulfilling sex life with my wife and my PIED is really a depressing state.

    Any thoughts or advice? Cheers.
     
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  14. @Joe1981, I just want you to know that this is what has worked for me, and while it may work for you I’m not trying to seem like this is flawless advice I’m giving you, but trying to help you in my best opinions.

    I am married as well, so I’ve stuck with no PM, and only O when I have sex with my wife. That is how life should be. Please adhere to that if you want to have progress and better communication and desire with your wife. Me and my wife’s relationship has never been better lately because of cutting off P and M and I have never felt better physically since taking my working out strict and as seriously as I have.

    I know exactly everything you are saying. And thats exactly what it feels like, but you need to remember that she does have a life outside the gym. She has friends, prolly a relationship/married. She is there to improve her body and health. Breaking it down like this is what should make her a human being. Also, you have to realize, you’re not going to be friends outside of work, unless that is your intention, your wife is fine with it, go ahead. Don’t twist my words or think I’m sending you a mixed message, but if you love your wife completely and your kid, then accept that you will not be friends, just two people with a common goal and motivation at the gym. I have told these women I talked to that I am married in a subtle way or slipped it in.

    I used to have these same infatuations and after talking to them, I don’t have nearly as much awkwardness and anxiety. Especially now that I can just wave or thumbs up to them and carry on. Simple validation. The execution of introducing yourself is the hardest and while you may not know her response, just keep it simple and conquer the fear. “Hello, I’m...I’ve seen you around here and just wanted to say have a good day.” Nuff said. Anything after that, is a bonus. Do not lie about yourself, don’t say your single, be honest.

    Stop watching P, give up M, and take it one day at a time. You can do this, your marriage will improve and if you go hard at the gym, your body will change as well and you will feel happier and cleaner and more confident. Ultimately that is the goal, to be a better person, and have better interactions in life.
     
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  15. Joe1981

    Joe1981 Fapstronaut

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    How do you do this? I'm not confident in my ability to read people and respond appropriately in conversation, especially with women.

    But I appreciate all your advice...that I am not alone and these feelings are somewhat natural and there is a method to handle such situations and emotions!

    Cheers Bro!
     
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  16. Warning: I’m not a smooth talker but holding a conversation after an introduction is usually “how was your weekend?...” when she asks about yours mention “I did this with my wife and kid etc”

    Don’t focus too much on this, just introduce yourself and tell her to have a good day, you have to remember just be polite and don’t talk about her form when working out, don’t say anything about her weight or shape of her body, don’t ask how her workout goin.
     
  17. mikexperiment

    mikexperiment Fapstronaut

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    I'm still struggling with the objectification problem, maybe even more than when I started cause after 10 days I'm hornier than I've been in a long time. But focusing on the silver lining, I'm very proud of my 10 days without PMO, it feels good to see I'm able to control my urges. Also I found out about this method to recondition your brain to not react to porn or certain "sexual triggers" on the website yourbrainonporn, and I think it's extremely useful and will begin applying to myself as soon as I investigate a bit more on the subject. I want to share with you guys, so it can benefit you too. It can basically be summarized to this:

    Link to original post
    https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/exposure-response-prevention-therapy-extinction

    You have a massive neural circuit that is predisposed to keep you acting out and your brain will rewire that circuit automatically with healthier activities if you can break it. Here's where ERP comes in.

    We must never never actually look at porn. This is what we are trying to overcome and looking simply strengthens the neural wiring. We have to use the thing that is our target for change. Our memory, our brain itself. What we do is replay the first part of the circuit then smash the second half to pieces.

    Here's what I do.

    I find a quite place where I won't be disturbed for 10 minutes. I have an interval timer set to 3 x 3 minute intervals.

    • 0-3 Minutes - I close my eyes and imagine the most explicit porn I can think of. Using the circuits in my brain I use my memory to recreate the first part of the porn / acting out cycle. I want my brain to think its the real thing happening. The stronger the better. Inside my scull, my brain does not know any different. My pulse goes high and my breathing shortens as I "go for it". Fully clothed and with no hand stimuation at all. Eyes closed and no actual porn anywhere. I even imagine climaxing and contract my body just as I used to in the real situaton. I fool my brain completely. It thinks I am actually looking at stuff and actually masturnbating. The circuit is alight! On fire. Building for a shot of sex hormone! Anticipating the thrill. Receptors are on high alert. Incoming sexual high!......
    • 3-6 Minutes - Complete and utter stop! As sharp a stop the better. Abrupt. Savage. Images held a few seconds ago are gone. Just the quiet blackness of my closed eyes. Breathing is regulated and deepened. Breath in for 5 seconds, hold for 5 seconds, out for 5 seconds. Repeat. Thinking of nothing. Keeping blank. My brain has absolutely no idea what just happened. It has hit a brick wall! It is totally denied any of the chemicals that would have come from acting out. It is competely denied a response and its absolutely pissed! The only reason that circuit exists is because of the response acting out gives it. The brain circuit is begining to lose purpose as I relax and I fill my blood and brain with increased fresh oxygen. Still, quite, blank.
    • 6 - 9 Minutes - I spend the last 3 miuntes mostly looking at images of another woman. My wife! I have photos on my iPhone of us out to dinner, or on holiday. Of her when I first met her and more recent ones. I have a favourite love some playing as the slide show flicks though. I reflect on what I gain by beating this addiction and what it might cost me if I don't. I review some written statements I wrote that reinforce that fact and generally bask in the often teary moments when I realise what a stinking sh1t I hade been and how grateful I am to have happiness in my life. Having denied the circuit it thrill and now feed some goodness into it.
    It has no alternative other than to change!

    So dear friends....the take homes are these.

    1. Zero Porn Policy - Absoutely don't feed the bad wolf. This will never work if you sneek some soft porn or follow that short skirt along the mall.
    2. Practice ERP 2 or 3 times per day. It is the most wonderful experience actually fighting back. I was taking the sucker punch for so many years and simple retaliation is a refreshing expereince.
    3. This is not all about you on the inside. Go and be of use to some one in this world. Join a volunteer organisation. Distribute blankets to street people. Train for a marathon. Embark of new studies. Give the brain new a worthy places to change into. Fill the void with good stuff.
    4. Journal and support your friends here. You know, the time I have spent writing to you here has actually strengthened my resolve and simply telling you my story give me and other strength to go on.
     
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  18. That’s awesome, good sir. Keep it up.


    This is a very interesting method and I want to try this today. Triggers still exist for me on a daily basis and while I feel I have become better at handling them, some days have been almost unbearable to the point of almost relapsing.
     
    Joe1981 likes this.
  19. drewharbour

    drewharbour Fapstronaut

    Good advice,, I’m getting better at avoiding putting myself in tempting situations but when a beautiful women walks infront of me, it’s still a real struggle not to stare and,,,,
    Thanks for support
     
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  20. Huskerjim

    Huskerjim Fapstronaut

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    Great thread. Thank you!
     

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