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Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Fenix Rising, May 12, 2019.
I have one genuine question tho, how do you guys clean up the mess after a wet dream lol.
A follow up question for anyone that can relate or answer:
Something that I have noticed throughout my streaks, that doesn't seem to be improving is the quality of my hair. In comparison to the long list of other symptoms that come with PIED, it is pretty low down the list of importance in terms of recovery. However to thicken the plot, I have an identical twin brother, and when stood next to one another there is a vast difference in our hair quality. We can have the exact same hair cut, from the exact same barber and look quite different.
My hair seems to have turned extremely fine, with some gradual hairloss taking place at my temples, not to mention an increasing abundance of grey hair. His is the exact opposite (despite me being the younger twin). Mix these attributes in with the constant lack of life behind my eyes and the consistent dark circles, and it starts to become obvious that life currently has me in a rear naked choke hold. Family and friends have now noticed, and while its not the end of the world, it would be good to hear anyone has experienced or knows of a similar experience.
I can’t imagine either to be done after 24 months. I’m having a really tough time lately and I feel like all my energy, motivation and endurance is kinda used up at this point of my recovery. I can barely motivate myself to do anything. I’m also having hard times maintaining a good diet lately. I’m not gaining weight or anything but I’m just not eating the things I am supposed to eat and that I know are good for me. There is a lot of pizza, Asian fast food and Kebaps and I’m also spending a lot of time browsing Reddit and YouTube. I’m not even having fun doing it. It’s just like the easiest thing to do to pass the time. On most days I can’t do more like laying in bed. This whole derailing of my earlier habits puts a lot of guilt on me right now but breaking out of it feels like to much. I’m also scared this will prevent my recovery from paws and even reset the progress. It’s not like I’m eating fast food 24/7 while spending the whole day on the internet but I feel like it’s an unhealthy amount that I’m preoccupied with. The problem is that my outlook on life right now isn’t to bright or at least this is what it feels like. There are just to much things that I have to do and that need to be done but I’m currently mentally and physically not capable of doing so. I just really wish this to end right now.
At the point of entering the 22month of recovery I feel like I‘m reaching my limits of what a human is capable of enduring. Life is passing and I’m trapped in one hell of a reality. I never been less optimistic about recovering. I can’t imagine that my brain is actually making progress. It’s not showing up in any way right now. I often think about my own Metapher as a car being repaired can’t simultaneously be driven and thus I’m feeling this bad as my reward circuit is under maintainance but I’m wondering if I’m not actually deluding myself.
On the other hand I’m having really small glimpses of hope in between but it’s like a butterfly landing on my shoulder and the moment I try to grab it, it floats away. One thing I notice though that I’m having more random conversations with strangers. A little chat here and there which indicates that my appearance is changing to others and that people actually want to interact with me but this is just a little gimmick on the side. I can’t actually feel the joy of human interaction most of the time.
It‘s a tough battle out here in the trenches and after spending full 21 months at the front with about 14-21 of good days sprinkled in between you really start to question what all this suffering and darkness is all about. But I’m not going to give up. I’m at addiction counselling since about 3 weeks talking to a person and it’s just good to speak about all the stuff that is happening and it helps a little. I can only recommend this to anyone having the possibility to talk to a unbiased and understanding person. Don’t make out things all inside your head. I did this for 20 months and it wasn’t healthy in hindsight.
After all, I invested to much pain and suffering to go back where I came from. There is no possibility in going back but I’m floating in space of reality that isn’t meant for a longer stay.
The reboot make me question if there is a Creator(GOD). I've started thinking that our bodies evolved million or thousands years ago. The reboot change my brain chemistry so much that I'm fighting to get my identity back.
Same was as you do for your other stuffs and probably going to do when you'll have one WD.
I guess it's same for all humans.haha .....lol
Danm bro , you said all.... I couldn't even put it in words what I go through....
Let me share with you this from Romans 5, for those like me who sometimes feel are running out of hope:
3 Not only that, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;
4 perseverance, character; and character, hope.
5 And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.
And from Romans 8:
28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
A couple of things I can particularly relate to:
I feel like my underlying level of happiness, and self esteem, is probably better than it's ever been in my life. Not sure why, and it could be an illusion because I'm cocooned in a little bubble of my own, but it feels that way. It's almost like I've got the most important part of life figured out, and even if I feel terrible day to day on the surface and my health is sh*t, there's something profoundly good going on underneath. I was talking to an old friend the other day who is a depressive, and basically hates himself - it was a bit of a shock to hear the way he was referring to himself. But I realised "I used to be like that - but I'm not any more!" So why? I think it's because I am engaged in a process of profound personal growth that involves, but is not just about, quitting PMO.
This has been really getting to me for the last week, since my relapse. I do feel very isolated because of PMO / PAWS. I have no-one to talk to about this. I was OK with that before, when I felt that I was making progress, but not so much now. When I hear people complaining about the isolation caused by Covid, I laugh - at least (surely?) they can reach out easily enough to talk to other people who are going through the same thing. I have had therapy in the past, but no therapist I've met takes addiction to P seriously. They are committing a profession-wide malpractise IMHO. There is no-one IRL that I can talk to about what I'm going through - I just have to bear it on my own.
Hey dude, at least you've got to 22 months. Even if it may not seem like it right now, that's one hell of an achievement, and I'm sure it will give a strong foundation for improvement in the years ahead. Stick with it, your continuing success is inspiring to me, believe it or not!
Out of interest, when you mention that you have addiction counselling, how did you find the person you are seeing - are they "on board" with the idea of PMO addiction, PAWS etc?
Don my heart is really opening when I read your carefully picked words. Your really a different breed of man. Thanks for all motivation and coming back to this thread. You really pushed the right buttons on me today and it really hit home and put things into perspective. I feel a lot better today by just knowing that I’m not that far off what people actually go through. Having more awareness of something often feels like something is new and wasn’t existing before. I already made this experience earlier in my recovery but I completely forget about it. Thanks for reminding!
I had several other addictions like amphetamines, weed, alcohol and I just straight up told them whatcha going. She said such long withdrawals are rare but considering my constitution and symptoms it’s more then likely that I‘m going through extensive withdrawal. He also agrees on porn being a huge problem. I don’t think you specifically have to find someone that is all on Board with porn addiction. Addiction in general walks very similar and I just think you need to find someone that is open minded enough to help. It’s not about talking about porn addiction the whole time. It’s more like we talk about what I’m experiencing and what I’m going through. I can unload all my negativity that I keep away from all my loved ones as I don’t wanna burden them with my personal hell. It’s like taking out the subconscious trash from time to time
I have come to the conclusion that all those hours I spent edging to porn, was a really bad idea.
One good thing I can pull from this process: there's nothing better than a comeback story. A victory would be fucking epic. Gunna try and use this sentiment to get me through to the finish line.
Hey @Don Quixote ,
I've pretty much read all your posts. Super glad and appreciative of you for keeping your account post-recovery.
A while back you mentioned that you don't exercise, then later on you mentioned something about taking up boxing/martial arts.
I'd like to hear more about your thoughts regarding exercise, music, and other nuggets of dopamine while rebooting/recovering from PAWS.
Thank you, this is useful.
Are you fantasizing during the day or edging? Or perhaps has something happened in your life creating massive amount of stress?
Having one of those down days where there's a strong tugging sensation below the belt, along with pretty severe anxiety and just an overall feeling of darkness. Wish me luck--ready for these kinds of days to be over with.
Also: starting to fall into the typical internet trap of worrying about likes, responses, etc. Just a product of the increased insecurity and anxiety that accompanies these difficult periods, but yeah, just needed to get this off my chest. I'd hate to stifle the authenticity of my own expression due to the trappings of sought after internet validation. I'm hurting right now, and I need to get it out into the world so I can slightly lessen the extreme loneliness that accompanies such periods of pain.
No,not at all.Its an irony ,even I'll say I am totally clean from all sexual fantasies,sexual thoughts,any form of Porn be it images,videos,texts,voice.its the cleanest since I'm trying to quit all these.I don't have any urge to do anything sexual.Forget about real sex also.Just at ease!Upto 50 days all was going well then suddenly WD hit me back to back.It was really tough.i had all symptoms like brain fog,loss of concentration,back ache,joint pains,irritation.But since past 10 days WDs are gone.And since past 6-7 days I'm feeling again relaxed and better as if I have walked longer enough from where I started.
Since past 3 days ,I feel I don't have much symptoms what I was going through.I am calmer and at easy with my mind and body.
May be it's some cycle and it happens like that?? I can feel my brain is still hyperactive and lots going on in.Its still a brain of former addict of pornography.But whatever the case be even after those rough days.I am feeling really good about myself.I can feel that change in my skin,my hair and my face.these are much alive that what they were some 2 1/2 months ago.I can see it clearly.Nofap or semen retention works wonders and it's working for me.
And literally I don't have any stress.By God grace all is going well in my life except that I was a pornography addict and everything else related to it.In other areas of my life , I'm good and even though sometimes here and there up and down comes but I can cope and handle them.
I hope you are good and doing good.lots of strength and positive vibes to you
I owe a lot to this wonderful community because of whom I understood that I was an addict and there is a way to quit and come out from all this nonsense.Thanks Nofap and lovely people here.
I’m really happy to hear you’re doing much better brother! I think you are right, when it comes to PAWs it comes in waves, longer stretches of bad at first, shorter as the length of abstinence is increased and respected . Bless you brother!
This is great to hear - I'm keen to hear how the future goes!