I hit 31 months the other day. Pretty nuts. If I'm trying to stay positive, then I'd say that I can clearly see improvements. Incremental as fuck, and never consistent or long-lived, but I am seeing proof that I will one day break free. Improvements I've noticed: -Working memory better. Can actually recall what happened the day before, and even have pretty solid pictures of what went down over an entire week. This is probably the most encouraging uptick. -Dreams are delving deeper and deeper into my past, and as time goes by my memories that I lost during the depths of PAWs are slowly trickling their way into my conscious thoughts. -Had some libido for ~20 days. Still kind of lusty and dirty, but I was just happy to feel some movement down there. -Digestion, though not perfect, has gotten better. Still have some constipation, and some other issues, but it has gotten much better, though I don't trust it. Digestion problems can really fuck with a person. -More motivated to workout, get small tasks done, and gather up the details of my life. Now have a list of goals, to dos, workout plans, diet plans, and other various organization tools. Also scared that this will go away, because it has happened before and then disappeared, though this time it feels more powerful and evident. -Wanting to listen to music that I once loved. As time goes on I feel a rekindling of some of the old stuff I used to like. -Sociability. Though nowhere near perfect (I still can't really connect with people), I'm serviceable a lot of the times. Still experience some anxiety when I'm having shit days, but I have some good ones where I'm not too worried. Some lingering horse shit: -Stupidity. I remember Don commenting on his dip in cognitive functioning and I'm experiencing the same thing. I still can't read books or process too much information at once. My attention span mimics how I used to PMO, which is have 15 tabs open and jerking it to each video for ~2 minutes before moving onto the next. In fact, on really bad days, I will actually open a bunch of internet tabs (not porn, but youtube and the like). Fuckin' wild. -Shriveled junk a lot -sleep still kind of fucked -an unending feeling of loneliness. As I said before, I can't connect with people on a level that I need to in order to feel true companionship. So, even when around people I adore, I still feel alone. The inability to speak about my condition makes it that much worse. I have to kind of mask my symptoms as something else in order to somewhat communicate to someone my day to day experience. I often use depression as my alibi. Not a total lie, but just a trojan horse. -realizing how different I am from most people. This could be seen as a positive because I'm learning more and more about myself, but this knowledge has made me aware to my reasoning for always being somewhat of a loner. There are a lot of stupid people out there, and the funny thing about the dumbies is that there are too stupid to realize that I'm intelligent. In their eyes, they are the smart one. Dunnings Kruger does a good job of explaining this phenomenon. Also explains a lot of the issues of our day. -anxiety about death. -anxiety about driving a car. harkens back to the death obsession -desires to live have been stockpiling, but I still can't act on a lot of them due to the rollercoaster-y aspects of PAWs. Have so many plans and dreams and ways I want to live as a healthy person. This could also be seen as a good thing I suppose. Will definitely not take life for granted anymore. still fuckin sucks ass though. My passions are at the tip of my fingertips, but I can't actually grab hold of them. -bad days are still pretty fucking bad. like, I don't think they will ever get easier. my only hope is that they'll just one day disappear. -want to experience intimacy with a girl but am not confident or with it enough to follow through. Hoping something falls into my lap once I start fulfilling those dream I mentioned. -Can't develop muscle mass. Think my body is still dedicating too much energy to recovery from addiction. Most times I won't feel sore until several days after a workout. It's like my body just doesn't have time for muscular development, no matter how much protein I put into my body. -still not as masculine as I would like to be. Know it's there, just can't access it yet. This'll also help with the girl issues. -I'm now more aware of my symptoms. since my memory is much better I now have a more accurate picture of how things have been, which is discouraging. Before, my memory was so fuckin shot that I'd have a shit day, wake up, and only have a faint memory of what happened the day before. And the feeling will then disappear not long after. It was a weird existence where I didn't even know what day it was, ever. "Is this a Monday? Fuck, it's already Friday?" There's probably some other shit I can't think of.