Hey guys,
it puts a smile on my face to see Don back in here.
I'm creeping around 33-34 months. It's hard to say if I'm making real progress as some areas are improving while others seem to decline and through my brain fogged and derealized perceptions it's hard to maintain a consistent evaluation of my own symptoms in comparison to past point in time.
There are several things that improved and it mostly revolves around a natural motivation to approach women and start living again. There is a constant itch to go big and to finally participate in life which involves more than studying, working, sleeping and taking a lot of rest. Since about two months I actively want to change things and jump over my shadow and stop being held back by my symptoms. I simply can't stand it anymore to let PAWS dictate my life. I can't endure the pain of watching others living their life while I'm held in chains. Although my social anxiety isn't gone completely I went for several things that I would never dreamed of 1-2 years ago.
As some of you know I don't drink alcohol anymore and going to music festivals was once a big part of my summer activities. I always feared that I never could visit one festival again as everyone is drinking heavily. One month ago I had a really cheap offer for a ticket and I said fuck it, I'm going on a festival with my sister and friends. I'm proud to say that I had great days despite being in PAWS and despite not drinking alcohol. Prior to the festival I also asked a girl out that I was working with once a week as I noticed that we are vibing really good. It took me some courage but I managed to ask a real life woman if she wants to go on a date and it wasn't sexually motivated in any way. This was an insane victory for myself. Back to the festival, on day 2 I had an awesome spiritual experience where I became one with the universe for some minutes and where I entered a state of feeling no difference between myself and the rest of the universe. It was awesome. The same night there was girl smiling directly at me for like 5-10 seconds and I just want ahead and talked to her which is a thing I normally wouldn't do at all. Those days I simply had no problem or anxiety talking to girls directly. Long story short, we made out and ended up in my tent where I got a handjob. I didn't lasted very long but it was fun. I didn't planned on having any kind of hookup experience but things turned out this way and there was just this natural libido and horniness. It wasn't like I was searching an oppurtunity of having an orgasm that night but it simply happened. I didn't crashed afterwards, I had a chaser effect for a few days. After the festival I was feeling very tired and worn out and somehow depressed but it's hard to say where this really came from. I mostly would say it was the effects of not sleeping more then 3-4 hours a night for 4 days while being in a really hot and messy environment and not so much that 1 minute handjob + orgasm. I also caught covid and got sick right afterwards for about 2 weeks which also was accompanied by migraines with aura that I didn't have in a long time. But covid fucked me up really bad. Had fever for 4 days, pain throat, constantly coughing, head pain. Some friends of me had similiar experiences. I also drank more coffee on the festival than usual so this could also be reason for the migraines.
After all I don't think that a sexual encounter like this was causing any problems but I'm not planning on repeating that again. I simply was so god damn horny I couldn't contain myself. If my brain and body can't handle this then I will never recover. As I stated before weed, other drugs and alcohol were my main problems. Sure I had times of sex addiction but it never was a real problem.
I'm slowly recovering from covid but I'm still having troubles finding back into my routine. Routine is extremely important for me. Sleep + eat routine is big part of my well being and I think that recovery mainly revolves around finding a routine and sticking with it for a few months. At least thats my way out of PAWS. I need to break a cycle that is going on forever. I need to get rid of the derealization. If I'm not brain fogged and derealized my life is freaking awesome. If I see the world clearly and without having the feeling of having a visual snowy 2D vision then I need nothing more. I can handle negative thoughts, I can handle all kind of shit and found outlets of pulling myself out of the misery but being derealized is by far the worst. My symptoms mostly revolve around my vision. My guess is that my brain is still recovering on the seretonine receptors and thus my fight flight and especially FREEZE reaction is still firing and that's why I'm derealized. I fucking hate being derealized. Beside that my symptoms mostly have calmed down. My sleep could be better but could also be worse. But not being connected to the world and having like a input lag is by far the worst. The day I get rid of the derealization I will be free and happy, simply as that.
In order to get there I just tried this week to force myself to deep breath more. I need to break the feedback loop on the physical side and calm down my brain and body so it knows it's safe.
I also forgot mentioning that I started working out last month which I will pick up these days again as my body is finally healing from covid and I also picked up making music again and I made some sick ass lofi hip hop beats. It's really a big part of living again. Making music was always my dream and even in my current state I'm able to make great music that touches the soul (at least mine and the people around me). I currently started upgrading my audio setup and bought new speakers and an audio interface. I also started plans on transforming my room in an amateur home studio to get a good reference sound for mixing my tracks. I'm just so hyped about making music. I started a little DIY project where I'm expanding my working desk. My brain could be better on abstract thinking but the simple fact that I want to do all those things is a good thing for me. I'm slowly starting to build up a healthy set of tools that I can pull out in order to properly stimulate my brain without causing the receptors to go crazy. Making music, working out, riding my bike that I bought some months ago, working my two jobs, studying and managing the shit of my parents.
Sometimes I'm overwhelmed by life but I keep going. I'm currently meeting the girl that I asked out and we slowly get to know each other. She is a good soul but we also talked about the fact that we both are in process of finding back to health and happiness and we don't know if it's wise to allow something like this at the moment. But we said we keep meeting each other and being honest and upright if we don't feel comfortable with anything. Yesterday she cried at some point because she was hormonal and we talked about some pretty sensitive stuff. I talked to her and hugged her and made her feel comfortable again which she was thankful about. It was a pretty intimate and beautiful moment that didn't involved any kissing or something like that. Just two humans sitting on the ground in a park and talking about life and comforting each other. I don't know where this is going but I'm also ready to cut it off if I realize that it's not working for me.
But I'm starting to live again folks. I'm getting back on my feet. PAWS will end but I won't wait for it anymore. I'm tired of this after nearly 3 years of isolating myself. This doesn't mean that I will induce in regular sexual activity or let coffee back into my life (I actually go for zero tolerance on that again) but I won't hold myself back when I get into a situation where a woman wants to be intimate with me BUT I'm not actively going around hooking up with women in order to get there.
Last thing I wanna talk about is the fact that people started to notice me again. I'm not a fucking ghost anymore. I'm 1,92m big and my weight is around 91-93 kg and for the last two years I was walking through the world like people didn't even see me. Nowadays there is some obvious magnetism from women. Not every woman but often when I walk around and put my focus on something else then women and then I accidentally notice some woman staring pretty hard at me while getting really shy if she sees me looking at her. I also have much more intense eye contact and I can also maintain it if my symptoms are not to present. I just notice that some women are really crazy about me and I allow this to nourish the healthy side of my ego after nearly 3 years of walking through this world feeling invisible. I hope you guys don't get it wrong and think of me like some arrogant asshole but I'm just happy that the world has respect and attention for me again.
There are many other things that happened but I'm getting to the point of writing a big ass wall of text so I stop here.
Just so you guys know, I'm still out there on the battlefield fighting and I won't stop until my brain is back to normal until then I'm building on my empire in secret and for myself. I keep going with my music. I will turn around the life situation of my parents. I will finish my studying. FUCK PAWS
Hey man! Loved reading this. It's very similar to my own experience where I still had paws, but was anxious to start living a real life. I imagine in a year or less, you'll be where I'm at today. Where feeling normal all day is the norm. And your abstract reasoning will get so much better. It'll inch along for months in improvement until one minute you, in all shyness, have to consider truthfully that you very well have improved significantly in that area.
And I'm telling you, getting with those girls is one of the best things (in my opinion) that you could do. Wise of you to be cautious about being sexual. That is still gonna be a big deal. I work with almost all women. And I manage them professionally. Being in that environment for the last two years (looking back) was and has been extremely critical in my recovery process. The women are super sweet and fun girls to work with, and over the last two years, I've fallen in "love" with them, having a deep care and compassion for them. Forming natural attachment bonds with women (once you finally can) does wonders for the rewiring process. For me, it deepened my sense of emotionality and connection to the real physical world in ways that mere abstinence couldn't really do. Just a week ago, I was reflecting on how natural it was for me to connect with people. It's weird. It's like I've developed this super power to just get on anyone and everyone's level and form a connection with them, and when I do, I feel myself becoming healthier and more whole mentally and physically.
Attachment theory, and the concept of secure attachment bonding, has strong correlational values to sustaining recovery from addiction. People who have several secure attachment bonds in their life have a 60% greater likelihood of recovery from substance abuse addictions. We are social organisms, and we self-regulate and sustain our health by and through (secure) emotional attachments to others.
My goal in life, moving forward, is to return to nofap. I'd like, in theory, to do another 2 years no PMO while I focus on my masters. Ultimately, my purpose in life is to attain wholeness. And I can feel it. I can feel my brain coming together and unifying like never before. I'm way more in tune with my unconscious. Way more receptive to it. Patient. Willing to listen. Willing to connect with the unknown behind the curtain of consciousness. I'm naturally gravitating towards a Jungian approach as a process of individuation into wholeness of being. There are so many dissonant, dissociated psychic forces, personalities, energies, drives (whatever you want to call them) within the unconscious that require attention and attunement. And that just resonates with me, generally speaking. I'm existing in a greater state of anxiety free faith in the unknown. Following my heart, listening to my body and mind, attending to its projections and symbols, my intuitions. I'm reconnecting with God - whether that's the real one or the "archetype" in my mind. I've realized I have a relationship with God within myself (whether real or not) as a psychic force or "complex." And because I'm reaching for wholeness, I'm finally open and healthy enough to desire a secure attachment bond to the God within (even if I can't speak of the God without/the "real" one). We all have that "God sense." And that sense is relevant to my wellbeing. Rejecting it out of spite or intellectual egotism is counterproductive to my health. Having a positive and secure bond or relationship with the psychic forces in my psyche is key. I'm working towards a harmonization of the internal pantheon, and so far so good.
I recently found someone who might have access to psilocybin mushrooms where I live, and I'm planning on getting some and taking more while I map out a therapeutic use for them. That first and last trip I had a few months ago still has benefits I'm reaping to this day. And I didn't take very much. And more than half the trip was spent with friends, laughing and goofing off. The extremely therapeutic part happened at the end when I was alone and asked the psilocybin to help me and sent the fairy from my unconscious to help clean my brain (and if you read my previous post) removed my brain fog completely. It also was instrumental in jumpstarting my capacity for emotional attachment to people. I've been way more empathetic and naturally bonding after that trip. I think psychedelics are gonna be an instrumental tool in reaching deeper states of acceptance and love, and healing past traumas and their influences over me, as it already has.
Finally, last night I had sex with that girl again (twice). So, again, two orgasms for the week in one night. Before I had sex with her I just simply felt great - emotionally, mentally, physically. I was walking in a park, and, I don't know, I just felt so connected to everything in my environment. Eager to live life. Yeah, that's my report! I felt great at the end of a week after having sex at the start. We'll see how it goes this following week doing it so closely to the last time. But I just said, what the hell to it. Once again, I was able to function sexually. Got way harder the second time, and it was only after about an hour or two of talking in between. I did not last more than a minute the second time, so still pretty serious PE. Not super worried about that. When I was driving home, I just noticed that my brain didn't feel anything like I do after I glimpse porn or see anything sexual digitally. That brain fog didn't come. And it genuinely seems to my own subjective consciousness that the sex did not in anyway malign my cognition. I do feel a slight sensitivity, and a very, very, very, very slight sense of sinus pressure behind my eyes and near the roof of my forehead where it dips into my nose bridge. My brain does have that more ethereal fluffy cotton ball lightness to it the day after, less rooted and slightly more indifferent to absorbing pleasure, but I think that's my receptors calming down.
Anyway, I think the release of oxytocin really does counteract the surge of pleasure from the orgasm. Having sex feels absolutely nothing like masturbating or watching porn. It feels like it's coming from a completely different part of my brain. Also, I should note that when I started cuddling her, my physical senses were more alive than the last time. Like my body was connecting to hers, activating emotions that were more vibrant and sensuous than before. I think that's evidence that the rewiring process is the real deal. I don't hate sex, but I don't really think I like it that much yet. One because, while I have a connection to this girl, I'm not in love with her. She's not my girl. But secondly, I think my brain is still a little bit, "whoa what are we doing?" In the act of sex. I imagine I have a longer way to go actually rewiring. But I'm just so much more confident (as is) in the possibility of having a long term partnership where sex happens regularly and more frequently. Absolutely no bingeing it. I know that would become unhealthy and addictive - and cause a lot of problems I started out with. But once a week? That seems realistic with minimal disruption. And there are tons of couples that have sex on weekends, or even once a month. Maybe, if I can get a girl with a lower sex drive, I could make that work.
Point is, there are possibilities, and I am extremely hopeful for my future. For once it finally doesn't look bleak and impossible, for once it finally is showing signs of normalcy. All emotional, physical, and mental evidence is pointing to the idea that having had this sex has been overwhelmingly positive for me. I don't want to get presumptuous. I know things can change, and the brain is a mystery, but living on faith - hoping and praying the right thing is the right thing. Please have me in your prayers through the week.
I'll keep you posted.
