I continue to see improvements as time progresses. Safe to say that as long as the train keeps moving forward then I'm bound to get to my destination.
I'm already starting to very much crave human connection. If that ain't a fucking win then I don't know what is.
Who woulda thought this shit would take ~3+ years?
No matter what, I'm closer to the finish line than the start. Hopefully by a long shot. Since there are a lot of guys that are all near the 3-year mark, there's going to be a shotgun blast of recovery stories. Seems like we're spearheading the recovery effort that deals with this new, more diabolical form of symptoms. Hopefully, it'll motivate others. If not, then at least it has given comfort to the handful of us that are experiencing such a rare strain of life. It's alienating moving through the world whilst operating under the assumption that people will not understand our predicament. I gave up, pretty early on, sharing my version of what has been happening to me. This forum has been one of the rare forms of catharsis for me. Otherwise, I use depression as a trojan horse and don't feel the least bit bad about it. A true white lie.
It'll be the most isolating experience of my entire life man. I mean, as I gain more and more perspective, it's truly fucking WILD that I've gone through this. Rarest of the rare. Volcanic explosions of pain and anguish. Good lord.
If I do get better, which I have to believe is an inevitability, then I'm going to surprise a heck of a lot of people. Things like that fuel the hope engines when all seems lost.
Good to see Donald again. Glad things are goin' well.
Craving connection you say? Sounds like the thoughts of a man who is becoming whole! Dude, you're gonna do it! 3 years clean. You have no idea how much leverage that gives you. DO IT! make it small. Make it incremental. Join like an SA group or something where you can open up and form attachment bonds with trusting people. It will accelerate things. And when you regain a fuller sensitivity to life - the emotions that hit you can be pretty overwhelming and unfamiliar and scary, which can cause a relapse. You've gone a great portion of your life not having to feel anything. The best thing to counteract that is to have attachment bonds that are secure and allow you to self-regulate naturally. I started building up some killer friendships, and it has been the #1 most helpful thing in recovery. Shot me to the moon. Now I am positively in love with these people and would give my life for them.
But more practically speaking, the friendships attach me to life itself, which teaches my heart to produce love and attachment chemicals, which keep me engaged, more happy, and, obviously, way more connected, such that those relationships are a legitimate value that contradicts the narrative of addiction and its natural trajectory. My socialization abilities are off the charts. In fact, I can confidently say I'm better than I was before the addiction. Way more confident. Way more natural. Way more myself. And way more healthy enough to actually connect.
Now those friendships may not last forever. But the point of friendship isn't that it's forever. The point is that it's good. It's so good. And I want to take in all the friendships, long and short, by which we live, survive, and flourish. People change and move on. But to deeply connect with someone at a significant point in their life while respecting their autonomy and individuality and almost always kind of encouraging them to move on from you when they're ready almost strengthens that bound. We want to be attached, to feel bonded, but not trapped or ensnared. All my friendships I'm content with ending. I guess I'm like that naturally. I'm so introverted. If no one wants to be with me, I'm kind of ok with that. I love being alone. I most often prefer it. But sex, drugs, porn, orgasm - nothing is more fulfilling than to feel connected and loved. PMO does everything in its power to destroy your ability to connect to people and things, so when that comes back, be slow, and patient. Don't get anxious about making friends, but use that craving for connection as a subtle guide to moving forward.
I'm so happy for you Zander! Like you said, no matter what, so long as you're riding that torturously slow horse, you'll continue forever and ever and ever to get better each day. And you've got your whole life ahead of you. YOU. WILL. GET. THERE! I'm STILL experiencing benefits! BIG ONES! And everything you're reporting is not far out from what I experienced in my slow recovery. I, like you, started feeling those attachment cravings. But now, almost every morning, when I wake up, I wake up to this calm, subtle warmth in my brain. Yesterday morning, I was so happy, and I was like, "why am I so happy?" And, honestly, it's just the inexplicable joy of being healthier. I have far more good days than bad. When the paws goes away, you might not feel whole yet, but don't let that get you down as it did me. It's a journey, and there's so much wisdom and power to gain from all this.
Just keep going!
