flongopongo
New Fapstronaut
I'm desperately seeking advice, since I can't talk about my story with anyone. I recently started therapy but I don't trust them enough to talk about this topic yet. So if anyone has some knowledge or any advice please help me out. I try to keep it short. There are a handful of memories that I wish never would happen, these are the ones. *Had to censor some passages*
The confusion started when I was barely 5yrs or so. My cousins had a foster family so many random f' ked up kids hanged out with us. I remember 1 guy, who had to be around 14 that time randomly showed us his digg and demanded to show him ours. Patterns like this continued occasionally over the years and my cousins and I thought it was normal and what boys do at that age. One day, one of my cousins & also my best friend said we had to try out to have "s x" which I didn't understood that time. We basically had a sword fight with our flat Jonnys down there. A couple of month or years later he started to call me gay more and more often, no matter what I did. Which would turn out to be a continuous habit of male "friends" around me from age 6 to 18.
I started to question my sexuality very early on and it made me very depressed. I loved girls so much, I had many many girlfriends and I was always the one in the friends group who was able to land every girl. And it was always pretty normal with them. Nothing as "aggressive" as I had to experience with boys my age. Which again made me very insecure. Why did I wanted to only kiss girls and nothing more, why do I only think about girls in a romantic way?
It didn't help to get involved into p rn very early on. I started when i was around 10 and got addicted immediately. 3-7x a day was average. Genres got more extreme and I always got stuck on BJ vids. Very rarely did I crossed the line and watched gay porn, I was always disgusted afterwards. And the feeling of disgust got worse and worse with every time i watched it over the years. I even puked one time. But then, a couple of hours later, the fantasies are coming back.
I was also extremely anxious to even have a best friend anymore after I had a sleep over at around 15 and my then best friend insisted at watching p rn together while j rking each other off. I resisted first but he told me that everyone was doing it and that it's like touching your own. He pushed me into it physically as well. Again I thought this is normal. From that time until now I have extreme HOCD. By now I at least know that I am not gay. I have a girlfriend and I feel happy with that, but especially now when I try to quit porn those f' ked up fantasies are coming up and trying to make me revaluate that I find them disgusting after I came. It's and endless loop that I can't seem to escape. The urges, fantasies and anxiety get more and more intense until I finally give up because I have no willpower left and all the techniques like cold showers, walking etc didn't work.
The crazy thing is I never in my life, even with these damaging fantasies, thought about kissing another dude and nothing romantical either. It was always only s king his dongo, which had to be enormous, normal sized ones wouldn't work. By now I've often got to that point to try and create a setup to trying it out, but once this stuff turns somehow into reality I'm disgusted by it.
So this fetish seems not to be p rn induced, but I also do not identify myself as bi. I mean at this point I wouldn't even have a problem with that either, I would be okay with that, as long as i would get control over my thoughts and p rn habits. But it just doesn't feel like myself, it feels wrong and disgusting.
Only when I discovered these hypno vids I realised that my fetish could be induced. But I don't believe myself when I'm in that death urge cycle again. I don't know what do to. I really don't want to try anything out in real-life. I simply want a life with normal s x and normal fantasies. I just broke a 30 day NoFap Streak and it seems like nothing changed. What can I do and what is this condition even?!
The confusion started when I was barely 5yrs or so. My cousins had a foster family so many random f' ked up kids hanged out with us. I remember 1 guy, who had to be around 14 that time randomly showed us his digg and demanded to show him ours. Patterns like this continued occasionally over the years and my cousins and I thought it was normal and what boys do at that age. One day, one of my cousins & also my best friend said we had to try out to have "s x" which I didn't understood that time. We basically had a sword fight with our flat Jonnys down there. A couple of month or years later he started to call me gay more and more often, no matter what I did. Which would turn out to be a continuous habit of male "friends" around me from age 6 to 18.
I started to question my sexuality very early on and it made me very depressed. I loved girls so much, I had many many girlfriends and I was always the one in the friends group who was able to land every girl. And it was always pretty normal with them. Nothing as "aggressive" as I had to experience with boys my age. Which again made me very insecure. Why did I wanted to only kiss girls and nothing more, why do I only think about girls in a romantic way?
It didn't help to get involved into p rn very early on. I started when i was around 10 and got addicted immediately. 3-7x a day was average. Genres got more extreme and I always got stuck on BJ vids. Very rarely did I crossed the line and watched gay porn, I was always disgusted afterwards. And the feeling of disgust got worse and worse with every time i watched it over the years. I even puked one time. But then, a couple of hours later, the fantasies are coming back.
I was also extremely anxious to even have a best friend anymore after I had a sleep over at around 15 and my then best friend insisted at watching p rn together while j rking each other off. I resisted first but he told me that everyone was doing it and that it's like touching your own. He pushed me into it physically as well. Again I thought this is normal. From that time until now I have extreme HOCD. By now I at least know that I am not gay. I have a girlfriend and I feel happy with that, but especially now when I try to quit porn those f' ked up fantasies are coming up and trying to make me revaluate that I find them disgusting after I came. It's and endless loop that I can't seem to escape. The urges, fantasies and anxiety get more and more intense until I finally give up because I have no willpower left and all the techniques like cold showers, walking etc didn't work.
The crazy thing is I never in my life, even with these damaging fantasies, thought about kissing another dude and nothing romantical either. It was always only s king his dongo, which had to be enormous, normal sized ones wouldn't work. By now I've often got to that point to try and create a setup to trying it out, but once this stuff turns somehow into reality I'm disgusted by it.
So this fetish seems not to be p rn induced, but I also do not identify myself as bi. I mean at this point I wouldn't even have a problem with that either, I would be okay with that, as long as i would get control over my thoughts and p rn habits. But it just doesn't feel like myself, it feels wrong and disgusting.
Only when I discovered these hypno vids I realised that my fetish could be induced. But I don't believe myself when I'm in that death urge cycle again. I don't know what do to. I really don't want to try anything out in real-life. I simply want a life with normal s x and normal fantasies. I just broke a 30 day NoFap Streak and it seems like nothing changed. What can I do and what is this condition even?!
