PA do you ever really forget?

I'm curious about this, too. I'm not a PA, but my bf is. He's said he can recall images from many YEARS ago. It's like they're seared into the neural pathways from what I've read. Hopefully forging some new neural pathways helps make the old ones less prominent.

 

I'd like to think we can forget but I honestly feel I will never forget it. I can still remember scenes from scenes I watched as an adolescent (though most it of it has faded, save a few seconds or so!) and stuff from my 20s.

I hope that as I continue rewiring and living PMO free that maybe they will fade. Like scars they may be with us for eternity though after awhile we don't think about them much.

 

My husband has an amazing memory, I know he will never forget it completely. That is a big part that upsets me, he can relive that any time in his mind, even if he can't or doesn't access P now, it is always there.
He's told me now that he doesn't even want to remember it. That it makes him feel physically ill to think of it. I don't know if that is true or not, but that's what he says.

 

My husband completely blocked out all his usage. I will remind him of something he did and he will be in shock that he ever did that because he has no recollection. My husband however has an issue with repression and has always repressed anything that brought up negative emotions (so the guilt and shame he felt when using made him repress the images/videos/names). The only reason he remembers one name is because it was the instagram name she used and he saw it over and over. Other than that, he remembers nothing which is a blessing and a curse since he can't answer many of the questions I had.

It was so strange to me because I still remember the porn I watched (and I only watched porn after my sexual trauma to cope and try to normalize what happened to me and that was for about a week before I never looked at porn again).

I think it really depends on the individual and their brain chemistry...

 

I often wish I could Eternal-Sunshine-of-the-Spotless-Mind my brain in that fashion. Erase all the porn.

I think the flashbacks may be the Addict Brain's way of trying to push us into a relapse so it can get its dope. That little gray fucker is devious and will do anything for its hit. I have them when I'm doing the most mundane things and sometimes they've caused me to slowly end up relapsing.

 

Sometimes if I hear a and it may make me think of a certain favorite actress, or if I see a certain outfit or costume it might make me think of it. That does seem to fade the longer I go w/o porn. The intensity of the memory fades so I'm hoping eventually the hundreds (thousands??) of hours of porn will leak out into the mist. Luckily most of it is forgettable.

 

No need to apologize. We're pretty open here.

I wouldn't say tarnished but knowing they are objectified sex objects who most likely have their own sexual traumas takes away the allure and any "mystique"'they may have had. I know my brain is just wanting a fix. I never had an illusions about what porn stars are/aren't. my problem is more specific scenes I've watched repeatedly and forgetting those. Do I really want to remember thi stuff 10 years from now? No I don't.

 

I've been PM free for a year and a half, and I don't remember the P. For me the longer I'm away and the more I focus on my wife and our relationship, and just becoming a better person, the less triggers I have. I think by doing my CBT theropy, which has really help in my recovery. Rerouting the neural pathways and how my brain processes information. I've actually forgotten the P. Hope this helps.

 

That gives me hope. I feel Johnny Nemonic "I want this shit out of my head."

 

My husband says he has no recollection (although his memory is similar to that of a goldfish), but he is a chronic liar about his P use so who knows? As for me, I can recall P from 20 years ago, but I have a crazy memory.

 

I remember things, but not intensly. They don’t pop into my head anymore like they used to. I have a steel trap memory, its my only talent. I can remember things if I try, but its more intelectual, with almost no emotional response. I don’t get turned on by the memories. They’re just there. So there is little push to think about them.

 

This is just my opinion, but no, I don't think you ever 'forget what it looks like.' However, I do believe that over time, those mental images have much less power over me if I stay in recovery.

Even as I sit here now--if I conjure up a sexual image in my head, it doesn't arouse me nearly as much if I had an actual image here before my eyes. Also remember, a lot of porn addiction is about novelty--and if images are already in the mental image bank, they aren't novel anymore. It's hard for a PA to generate, within his own imagination, images that will produce the same kind of dopamine spike that actual porn triggers.

As far as other triggers, those might be all over the map. I'm personally attracted to a certain body type, and women who fit that type will always catch my eye--I don't think porn has much to do with it. As far as a particular porn star's image or name ... well, I think we're unlikely to come across those names unless we're actively engaged in porn. Sure, porn is somewhat mainstream, and stars' names get tossed around in the media a bit ... but it's unlikely that a personal favorite would ever pop up. Certainly none of mine have, and I have several.

I have two highly sexual ex-girlfriends who each bore a striking resemblance to two different celebrities. Whenever I see those women on the cover of a magazine at the grocery store, it triggers me and I can't help but have flashing thoughts about those experiences. But they don't send me into the rabbit hole anymore ... I don't walk away and spent the next two hours daydreaming about them, you know?

So do we ever 'forget'? No ... but it does get better.