Panic. Please help me understand

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by blue is everywhere, May 19, 2020.

  1. blue is everywhere

    blue is everywhere Fapstronaut

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    And here I am again... So hello everyone.

    I'm writing in one of these moments of panic, despair and doubts because of my bf's PA. Sometimes I feel like I'm running out strength to face this thing.
    I'm struggling with my body image and have obsessive fear of abandonment which doesnt make it easier at all.
    He didn't fap for 33 days now, which is obviously a victory. But he's "fishing" almost every f*ckung day, and I know and see what he's searching for: precisely pornstars, cuckolds, gang bangs... I'm literally shaking thinking about this. Blockers keep most pages away but not every single thing. I cant go on like this. I'm so scared and confused I can't function normally.
    What should I do? How am I supposed to manage this?
    I don't want to share him. I don't share these hardcore fantasies either. But I love my man, I do, more than anything.
    I'm lost and hurt.
    Please help me understand what happening to us...
     
  2. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    The fishing is a huge part of the addiction. My husband recognized that for himself about a year ago, he was on twitter for work when he started going to different news sights, he was getting a buzz just from that! So, he gave the work twitter account yo an intern and deleted it from his phone/laptop. Have you talked to your boyfriend about it??
     
    +TenPercent likes this.
  3. blue is everywhere

    blue is everywhere Fapstronaut

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    Well he knows about fishing and he knows what and why he's doing it. And you can tell he's not proud or happy about it. But he doesn't count or see it as a setback in his streak.
    We tried to block everything that might lead him to do so but there are always "holes"...
     
  4. Peace-Seeker

    Peace-Seeker Fapstronaut

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    You must believe in him. He will eventually find out that it's wrong. You slowly have to tell this to him. Keyword is Slowly. Too persistent and he might get fed up and maybe even leave (I'm doubting this would actually happen but play it safe). I believe in you. Good luck.
     
  5. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    If she wanted to play it safe she would leave him. There is nothing safe about being in a relationship with a porn/sex addict. Her mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health are all at risk by remaining with him. Take it slowly? No chance in hell, the time to end an addiction is now. If he can’t get into recovery or can’t take his actions seriously for what they are, she needs to decide if she wants to continue in the relationship.
     
  6. blue is everywhere

    blue is everywhere Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your kindness.
    I do believe in him but I don't know how long i can hold on for. It has to stop. It destroys both of us.
     
    Peace-Seeker likes this.
  7. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, I believed in my husband for 15 years. Then detached completely for 17 years. He tried to quit that entire time. It wasn’t until he got into very specific counseling with a csat and started attending group meetings that he was successful.
     
  8. Peace-Seeker

    Peace-Seeker Fapstronaut

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  9. blue is everywhere

    blue is everywhere Fapstronaut

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    That's not exactly reassuring....!
     
    +TenPercent likes this.
  10. This first part isn't but the second part is! As a PA, I can tell you that this is a very complex issue. Stopping the porn doesn't cure it, and often doesn't last. The addict needs help and while there is much that you and your love can do to help, he still needs either professional help (the CSAT) or help from other addicts who are in recovery. If he won't take action and go to a therapist or a 12 step group, or do something to significantly alter the course of his life (possibly religion or exercise) the outlook is pretty bleak. If he's just trying to be the same person but minus the porn, it's not going to work. He needs to change.
     
    rostronaut likes this.
  11. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Honestly, as an so, no, none of it’s reassuring. Most pa’s will never get clean and stay clean. It’s brutal to be in a relationship with an addict and even more devastating to be in one who’s addiction is other women. Because really, faithfulness in a relationship should be the lowest standard. To not put your “ loved one” at risk and to not destroy their heart. I have never had to fight the urge to get sexual satisfaction from anyone outside my marriage. I recognize that my husband has a problem and that he’s still a good man, but that doesn’t change the fact that he has spent more time and energy on porn and hiding his porn than he has ever spent on me.
     
  12. Shatteredsoul

    Shatteredsoul Fapstronaut

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    What is fishing
     
  13. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    It’s just searching for porn or porn substitutes, or even as in my husbands case he was on twitter to post for work - legitimate reasons, once he’d posted though, he then started clicking on news articles . Since he had used twitter a lot in the past for porn, he realized that just searching the news sites were starting to “ feed the need” lol. He was literally starting to get the buzz.
     
    Shatteredsoul likes this.
  14. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    It will usually start off innocent enough, but that addict brain will lie saying you’re just looking at the news, oh, look click this ones about the beach reopening ( addict brain is hoping for accidental bikini pics while lying to self that it just wants to read about the beach reopening), click girls in bikinis, shocker! Look that was just an accident but I handled it so well, I’m doing good, I’ll just click this link about etc......
     
    Indurian and Shatteredsoul like this.
  15. Shatteredsoul

    Shatteredsoul Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the explanation! So "accidently" purposely finding porn. Then they go down the rabbit hole....
    My bf did this with reddit.. several times a day.
     
    EyesWideOpen likes this.
  16. blue is everywhere

    blue is everywhere Fapstronaut

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    The whole "fishing thing" is very well explained here:
     
    rostronaut and Shatteredsoul like this.
  17. Real Roboin

    Real Roboin Fapstronaut

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    I had no idea there was porn on reddit
     
  18. Real Roboin

    Real Roboin Fapstronaut

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    I had no idea there was porn on reddit
     
  19. Real Roboin

    Real Roboin Fapstronaut

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    Mine claimed clean, then YOUtube was full of breast and click bait in history
     
  20. blue is everywhere

    blue is everywhere Fapstronaut

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    It might not be porn as actual explicit videos, but of course there are pictures, "softer" videos and everything that goes with it
     

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