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Partner Still Responds With Anger Everytime We Discuss His Addiction

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by GG2002, Jul 31, 2017.

  1. True-Self

    True-Self Fapstronaut

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    Based on the above information and other things you have mentioned I have to agree with @Drew140.
     
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  2. I'm sorry to read that it has continued to get worse for you @GG2002.
     
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  3. samnf1990

    samnf1990 Fapstronaut

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    Being sad and ashamed is still a result of his own actions, and learning how to manage his behaviour and reaction to reminders of his past behaviour is a next step of recovery. His current default of getting angry is unfair and certainly not a productive or constructive response. It makes sense that such intense emotions and difficult situations might elicit an irrational and destructive response, but his behaviour needs to be challenged. PMO creates distance between couples. There is no sense in just replacing it with another destructive and alienating behaviour.

    On the other hand, it is worth keeping in mind that while you have the right to ask if he is MO free as you were expecting better or faster progress, you need to be wary of seeming accusatory. Similarly, once you have an answer, if you cannot accept it then you are accusing your partner of lying. Is your partner 'gaslighting' in response to the initilal question, or are you rejecting his answers?
     
  4. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    While we can make excuses for and even understand some aspects of his behaviour, I cannot see how any relationship can thrive if one partner consistently refuses to communicate.
     
  5. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I am not saying I don't believe him, I am not even accusing him of PMOing. I'm trying to have a discussion with him about why we are still struggling in the bedroom and what can be done to improve it. Notice I said we not him. For him the subject is totally off limits. He will respond angrily if I ask if he has pmoed with no but that's it he will not discuss the issue further. I do think he feels guilt and pain over what he did and his response is to never talk about it or anything related to it again. He has always been the type of person that struggled with hearing anything negative or potentially negative about himself but I believe he used PMO to soothe those feelings of insecurity or pain. Now that he does not have that he simply cannot cope with these feelings. But that leaves me unable to have any discussions with him about any issues that may even have an implication that appears negative to him. Not just PMO. If a couple cannot communicate issues to each other a relationship will never work. And the reason I keep bringing the issue up and it may seem to him over and over is because everytime I bring it up he shuts me down, so it lingers. Id he would openly address an issue with me then it would not keep coming up.
     
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  6. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    It may help to add that the matter of his PMO addiction and lies were never a matter that was open for discussion. Three days after I found out, he apologized and agreed not to do it again. His response was that I should believe him immediately and that the matter was off the table for discussion. He could not understand why I could just not believe him and move on. I could never express my sadness, my pain, seek reassurance. He shut it all down.
     
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  7. Drew140

    Drew140 Guest

    Out the door for him. You can so much better.
     
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  8. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I think you waste so many words here, because you can't get any words out with him.
    However, there is more than one way to talk and he's exhausting all of them with you.
    You aren't able to use any of them.
    And you are a great writer.
    You two have zero language between each other.
    This isn't a relationship, it's a war zone.
    When two countries can't communicate, they aren't at peace.
    It's the same for anything in nature.
    I said this two months ago (I'm pretty sure it was two months)
    I'll say it again..
    You deserve peace.

    Take care of yourself.
    I wish you the best.
     
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  9. samnf1990

    samnf1990 Fapstronaut

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    Have there ever not been problems in the bedroom? Were there before he quit pmo? Only now after? If these problems are new, maybe he is in what many call the 'flatline' period of recovery. If they are old problems, then maybe pmo is not the only cause of your intimacy problems together. It could also be that he needs longer to rewire. ED and DE are problems for some men much longer than others. If sex has always been somewhat of a disappointment then this will doubtless be affecting his ego. Asking if he has pmo'd also implies that the responsibility for sex going well and being exciting and satisfying lies on him. Feeling responsible for how badly things are going does not feel nice. With your SO's tendency to react negatively to any sort of criticism his response here makes sense in the context of this pattern. Again, his response is far from acceptable, I am just fumbling around for possible explanations. The fact that you are still in a relationship tells me that you want to find a solution to these problems. Does he?
     
  10. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks. He has always had problems in bed at least with me. From the first time we had sex he could only O by using his own hand. He would say that he had to get used to me and it would take more time but it did not change and that's when I started researching DE and found out about PIDE he agreed to stop really it was his idea to but he never did. So I thought we were working together to solve the problem but he was lying. Since he allegedly stopped he can O from my hand and mouth which he never could but still nowhere close from intercourse. And truly when he does O it's just like me masturbating him there is no intimate connection. If he's in flatline it's been for four months! I don't know if he had this problem before me he's told several different stories not sure what is true. I suspect the problem developed 8 years ago after his divorce but I get a different answer everytime I ask. From no it was with every woman to of course I've Oed from sex before. I think it's just me and he does not want to say that. I did want to fix this but as time has gone on I am pretty sure it's not fixable without his help and he has a mental block and so much anger. I understand he reacts negatively to criticism but there has to be a way to discuss issues that make him uncomfortable and there is just not nothing works. I'm honestly not sure what else I can possibly do to make sex better I don't put it all on him! He's just closed off totally and I think the PMO and ED are just a symptom of his desire to not get too close to anyone. I can't fix that. Maybe I'm just not the right person for him to open up to or maybe 8 years is not long enough for him to recover from his divorce or maybe he won't ever get to the point where he can have a meaningful relationship because of his walls. But I am tired of playing psychiatrist and sex therapist. He's fighting change internally I think and it comes out as defensiveness. Once when I asked him why he lied about pmo to me for so long he told me that he was just not ready to change yet and that I should not push him to change he would have to come to that on his own. But I'm not happy and I'm tired of waiting.
     
  11. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Spot on and thank you. That's exactly what it feels like a
    thanks so much. You are spot on that's what it feels like a war all the time! He does not want to hear what I have to say he wants to pretend it's not reality. So no matter how I say it he just won't listen and if he does that enough he hopes I will just stop bringing it up.
     
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  12. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    He said it himself - he was not ready to change then, and all the behaviour you have described suggests he still isn't ready. He is not ready to change; he is not prepared to communicate and he responds to you with aggression and by being self-centred. I really think that the time has come to move on. Sorry.

    ANH
     
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  13. Drew140

    Drew140 Guest

  14. Atlanticus

    Atlanticus Moderator Assistant
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  15. My two cents worth:

    I don't know the full story and am trying to avoid taking ANYONE'S side as there are always three sides to any story: Their side, my side and THE TRUTH. I read a lot of posts on this forum, and it seems like some of us try to beat our opinions into others. What I have to remind myself is that some people are like toddlers and need to have mommy put a plaster on their "ouch" and have them kiss it all better, have a hug and be told that they are good and mommy loves them, and must be careful not to get hurt again. Repeatedly smashing the wound with a hammer doesn't do much for the healing process, trust issues, relationship building or intimacy. This is just my opinion, and NOT to be taken without medical advice from a qualified doctor, input from a lawyer and financial advice from a banker. Oh, and add a teenager to the mix too!
     
  16. MarinoBigFan1984

    MarinoBigFan1984 Fapstronaut

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    Sorry for your continued situation.
     
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  17. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I think what I am reading is that your opinion is that the SO should not keep bringing up the betrayal and the harm the addiction ( smashing the wound with a hammer) because it does not do anything for trust issues, healing or intimacy building but that's exactly what it does for the SO and if you indeed have that attitude then you will never be forgiven and your SO will never heal. I think the biggest trap many addicts fall into here is that this is about their feelings first and their SO second. Often it's because addicts struggle with putting anyone's wants and feelings above their own. When you betray a loved one you don't get to decide what they need to heal, they decide that. The addict needs to be willing to do whatever it takes to earn the trust back. So while it may be smashing a wound for you, it's showing her that you can speak openly with her about things. It allows her to tell you how she feels and be validated. If she needs reassurance daily then you need to give that to her. It's not about what you think promotes healing intimacy and forgiveness it's about what your SO does. And you should ask her what that is and do it. If you don't think you should or don't want to that's your right but it's highly unlikely she will stay with you. Most women need to talk and be heard to move on. While you may think that by reacting negatively and refusing to discuss it when she brings it up is a good thing that she will eventually forget about it what she's actually doing is growing more and more resentful towards you. By doing this you are prolonging the healing and making it worse for you. If you let her talk, then she will likely recover more quickly. When a partner has betrayed a loved one they are not on equal playing fields. The betrayer needs to suck it up and put the SOS feelings before theirs no matter how much it hurts. Learning to put others first and to sit with feelings that make you uncomfortable is a huge part of healing and forgiveness.
     
  18. Hi @GG2002,

    Firstly I must say that I agree with you! But what I am saying is quite the contrary to what you think. I do see that the majority of addicts will not accept full responsibility of the situation, and also will not admit the harm their addiction caused to the SO and it makes me really MAD.

    However, I see the outcome of what you are trying to do in my own situation, just with the roles being reversed:

    I seem to be similar to you, inasmuch as wanting and needing to completely understand the situation, motives and other reasons behind the actions so I can move into "understanding" which may or may not lead to acceptance and (hopefully) forgiveness. In my case I am the addict, and I confessed to my wife. I did/do tons of research, watch videos, read books subscribed to several No PMO sites and actively follow many of the threads here, especially Rebooting In a Relationship. It definitely helped to open my eyes and heart to fully understand the harm I caused my SO and I accept that I must actively work towards healing the harm and hurts I caused my SO, which at times is "too much" for her...

    Just like you feel about your PA not doing enough, it concerns me that my wife will not actively research this subject and seems to become frustrated at my "obsession" with this topic, and continual reading of new posts. She also gets annoyed that I keep going back and finding out new things about the addiction or reading about people still being hurt by this vile activity. She says that she is worried that I keep scratching off the scabs and reopening the wounds (for myself more than her). Baring in mind my wife has an AMAZING ability to heal from hurts and move on - what Brene Brown refers to as wholehearted, and I do not. I will ask her questions over and over again until I get the answer/truth, which at time INFURIATES my wife. My wife usually has the attitude that "You asked, I answered, Case closed!"

    This is great for my SO, as she will move forward from the event, but leaves me frustrated (suspicious?) and needing even more answers - and that is what I was trying to say. I (we?) need to accept that not everyone has the same need to analyse and understand the situation in order to move on, but I cannot determine if this is how your husband is. You state how he has changed, how he went for counselling etc, but you (rightfully so) need and want more answers.

    Basically we have to ask ourselves, is what we are doing having the desired outcome? Maybe your SO is like my SO, and believes they have or are dealing with the problem, and us constantly "interfering" is not doing anything constructive, and simply pisses them off...
     
  19. MarinoBigFan1984

    MarinoBigFan1984 Fapstronaut

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    From an outside perspective the current strategy does not seem productive for either of you.
     
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  20. Agree 100%. Which is why I had to accept that my wife is different to me, and had to change to what works for her instead of trying to make her think and act like I would.
     
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