Partner watches sissy Hypno porn, Advice Needed

So I recently found out that my partner has been watching sissy Hypno for a long time (+10 years) and I don't know how to take it... Everything I've been reading says it can be really damaging, if anyone knows anything more about this/has any advice, I'd be really appreciative!

Warning ⚠️ don't read the below if you are sensitive to wordings surrounding sex and fetishes... I am being open and seeking advice because I feel a little out of my depth.
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Background - when we met the sex was amazing, he is a dominant and a sadist, something that was completely new to me.
Over time (we have been together 2 years now) he revealed more and more obscure fetishes, it never bothered me or caused any issues, I'm a very open person myself, then we started mixing porn into it, over time he found it harder and harder to climax during intercourse without watching porn (he says it's the extra visual stimulus), I tried to express that it was starting to effect my self esteem and our sex life in general but things never improved, after 2 years he revealed to me out of the blue that he likes to dress up, be a sissy and has gender identity issues, this was a little bit of a shock because he has said some transphobic comments in the past, is very masculine, covered in tattoos, brags about masculinity, is extremely dominant and into bdsm.

I knew he was pansexual and I have other trans/sissy/cross dressing friends so I processed the trans news and said I was happy to explore his fantasies with him, then i recently found out he has been dressing up and watching sissy Hypno, femdom and feminisation porn at 23-5am every couple of weeks, and that he has been doing this for a on and off in his life since he was 18 and has started doing it more and more in the last 6 months. Baring in mind he watches ALL other porn in between this time. It's mainly the Hypno stuff I'm worried about and the amount he watches. I can't help but worry he is in some ways decencitized from watching so much porn in his life (particularly some of the more extreme fetishes) and that's why in our relationship sexually he had to progress through more and more obscure/extreme fetishes, and now ultimately because we have been through them all he has gone back to the sissy Hypno stuff and we have struggled in our own sex life..(don't get me wrong we still have great sex on the occasion but nothing like before). I also worry if the long term use/shame of it all could be affecting his mental health on a deeper level and I really want to help him. He can be short tempered and can get overly aggressive, is aspergic, has adhd, c-ptsd, anxiety and depression. I do not know the implications of this kind of porn and mental health.

We talked about his transgender/sissy thing and it's clear he has some issues surrounding severe shame, he's admitted to this, we talked about the Hypno porn and he said he wouldn't watch it anymore but ultimately I'm worried if the damage is done, if it even is actually damaging? He out right refuses to accept it could be in anyway or that he could be decencitized/addicted to porn (although he did admit being addicted to orgasms), I feel really lost, confused and not sure how to take it all... Ultimately I love him and want to help him if there is an underlying issue.

 

If you mean his career he doesn't work currently signed off because of his autism, he used to be in the army

 

If he is an addict is there anything I can do to help him see without shoving it down his throat?

 

I never got into some of the fetishes mentioned, but I did get into hypno porn and it’s incredibly damaging, IMO, and increased my anxiety and depression. I also found myself becoming more and more irritable, angry, and prone to violence.

For myself, through sex addiction therapy, I was able to link my behaviors to past sexual trauma. Does he have past sexual trauma such as sexual abuse/molestation? Do you?

Frankly, if he’s not going to admit he has an issue then there’s not much you can do to turn the direction of where he’s going. You can start putting up boundaries though within your relationship, since the openness approach hasn’t worked in making things better; it never does with addicts.

As for extreme sensitivity to criticism, well, that basically defines the entire western world nowadays, regardless of which side you lean towards and I think this is a result of our overly porn soaked and hypersexualized culture.

 

Thanks for your comment, yes he was sexually assaulted when he was 16 by a male, I know this possibly has some implications but I am not a psychologist and do not understand this? As for me no but I grew up surrounded by extreme domestic abuse and violence.

You say to set up boundaries because openness hasn't worked, what kind of boundaries... I mean he has already stated he won't watch the Hypno porn again (which I don't know if I can trust because I don't know the extent of his issues) but there is no way he would agree to abstaining from masturbating for a period of time just to see..

To be honest I feel helpless, what made you realise you had a problem?

 

I hear you, I really do, but the problem is I have tried to talk to him, he tells me that I am being controlling and emotionally trying to manipulate him by using my emotions. It can be confusing because I see his logic but feel hurt and rejected, I have thought about leaving, but in some ways and here's the twist, I think I am addicted to his him sexually... I have always been a nympho, impulsive, cheated repeatedly (not proud of it!) My aunt was an escort/page 3 girl so sex was thrust in my face from a young age resulting in a highly promiscuous girl... Then I met him and everything changed, I no longer desire any other man like I used to, I definitely have issues with things myself, like I said we are very similar in some of our issues, very connected, it makes it difficult to walk away when you love and care for that person too, ultimately your right about thinking about what I want though, thanks

 

What do you want out of the relationship?

I realized I had done all the self-indulgent behaviors I could think of and my life just got worse and worse, to the point where I had to accept that change would only come through a lot of honesty, therapy, suffering and surrender.

This!

 

I empathize with you on this because my ex was exactly like yourself; past trauma with domestic violence and other things, promiscuous, nympho, loved rough sex, etc. I liked to say we loved each other, well, we loved the best we could according to our limited understanding of the word, but in the end it didn’t work out. Ultimately, I had to accept that our relationship was based more on codependency than love. I wanted to fix that but she didn’t think she had a problem so that only left me with two choices; stay in something I believed to be toxic or leave, which I did. It wasn’t easy, but I’m grateful that I did and I hope in the end it helped her like it’s helped me.

 

I am a very open and easy person so I am not bothered by his pansexuality or gender issues however I do worry about his use of porn/masturbation and it's impact on our own sex life (sex is huge for me), he argues that it makes our sex life better, that when he first comes to visit (after one of these sissy porn sessions) we have great sex and then it gets worse over the following days so therefore the porn helps, I feel the opposite, to me I fuck exactly the same from when he got to mine to when he leaves so maybe he just gets "bored" and then has to go watch the porn again, I dont know who's logic is correct, I'm curious what others make of all this? I have tried to suggest for him to try and not watch any porn for two weeks just to see as trial and error, not permanent and he freaked out saying I was controlling, he is adamant that he does not have any form of PMO saying that he does not need to watch porn all the time when he masturbates, that he can go a day here and there without doing it (generally when he's with me so I think he misses the point there) and because he chooses when he does it he is not an addict, for me I'm just confused about whether he has an issue and is in denial (issues linked with transphobia, sexual assault, shame, sex addiction etc) he doesn't think sissy Hypno can be damaging and I am none the wiser. I do not know if the Hypno porn is healthy if he Is only doing it once every two weeks, is there a healthy amount or is it just damaging?????? (he is still watching other sissy/bdsm porn other times)

Ultimately I want us to be happy and live a long life together, if it's not damaging and its not what's affecting our sex life theres no problem but we will never know unless if it is what is effecting his erectile dysfunction/our sex lives if he doesn't try...

I'm sorry to hear it took you long to realise but glad to hear you managed to change! He is starting therapy soon but I don't think he will talk honestly about the porn/sissy/gender identity/shame/assualt because he doesn't believe this has any impact on his mental health at all.

yes we both have trauma it's one of the many reasons we bonded, as with the previous post I'm not entirely sure how it's all connected but I am sure it is in some way

 

Sorry I'll put a warning on it/edit, I'm autistic too, we have a problem with over sharing/expressing ourselves in appropriately, and fyi he is pansexual so yes he likes men too.

 

It definitely resonates somewhat, kinda worries me, I'm aware I have some issues around codependency and so does he, but I have received a lot of therapy and am willing to adapt, but again, I dont think he could admit this to being one of his own issues. Do you think that it is controlling of me to ask him to try abstinence?