Partner with PIED

GG2002 · Feb 21, 2017

My partner of year is 46 and I am 39. He suffers from delayed ejaculation and now I think it's due to his porn addiction. He was single for 8 years before me and prior to that had a bad divorce which I think may have been related to his issues but he won't admit that. He has only been able to reach orgasm with me once when we were on a two week vacation together through a blow job because we were together 24/7. He also would turn me down for sex a lot. I am very adventurous and told him I was open to anything but he said I did all he wanted . His back hurt or he was tired! We finally met with a counselor whom his family doctor referred him to after all his tests came back negative. She suggested that he try stopping all masturbation and not use porn as he had likely desensitized himself and needed to readjust to sex with a partner. He very willingly agreed. But it did not help. I kept asking him if he had kept to our agreement and he said he had. But last week I found out he had continued to masturbate and use porn on a regular basis and lied to me about it. At first he admitted to only doing it once then it was every now and again and now I have no clue what is true. I asked him why he would do that when I was willing anytime he wanted, why he needed those girls to get off and mostly why he would lie to me risking our entire relationship. He could not answer me. He's not a person that I would ever think would deceive me so this one really hurts. He was hesitant to follow up with the counselor initially and now I know why. He has agreed to go now and he seems contrite but I'm not sure what to do. I asked if he would allow me to put a porn blocker on his computer and phone, after he said he would do whatever it too to rebuild trust and he said no way it was invading his privacy which made me think he's not ready to let it go. When we have sex he basically uses me as a masturbatory tool. Our sex always finishes with him masturbating on me with his eyes closed(likely replaying porn scenes). It's so bad I could likely get up and leave and he would not notice. He won't look at me or kiss me. Even then it still took him on his own 20 minutes after an hour of sex and foreplay! He used to be attentive to my needs at least but that stopped pretty early on. There is no intimacy at all I feel no connection and my self esteem is shot. I am in good shape and work hard to look good. He says he's attracted to me. And I'm down for whatever he wants sexually and whenever he wants it.

I never had issues with men using porn or masturbating in prior relationships because we had great sex lives. He says with me his penis goes numb and he gets really close to orgasm but just can't push past the final threshold.

Can anyone offer me advice? I have been crying daily since this happened and alternating between rage and hurt. The lies make me question everything. I was having a hard time with our sex life before but this makes me question everything. Is he an addict? Can he just stop if he wants to? Will he? Thanks!

i_wanna_get_better1 · Feb 21, 2017

Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you are going through this with your husband. Many times a porn addiction is kept secret until there are ED problems. An addict will give every other excuse except admit it's related to porn and masturbation.

Addiction is defined as having compulsive behavior, escalation due to tolerance buildup, and withdrawal symptoms. It is not merely a bad habit and not being able to stop is not because of a lack of willpower. It is a disease that can only be helped by applying the right kinds of treatment.

Addicts will also show these kinds of behaviors (from www.yourbrainonporn.com):

A numbed pleasure response (desensitization of your reward circuitry)

Formation of sensitized addiction pathways (sensitization - which is also behind sexual conditioning)

Inhibition of executive control and decision making (hypofrontality)

Altered stress response - which manifests as even minor stress inducing cravings because stress neurochemicals activate powerful sensitized addiction pathways.

So your husband is showing signs of all of these. (1) He cannot have normal sex with you. (2) He responds only to porn or porn fantasies. (3) He promises to stop but he can't. (4) Strong withdrawal symptoms make him relapse repeatedly.

I want to make something clear.... NONE OF HIS PROBLEMS ARE YOUR FAULT. Eventually, all addicts reach this state. The body can no longer respond to real life stimuli the way it responds to the fake world of porn.

Addicts use PMO to alter, medicate, sooth, numb, or escape from negative feelings. It can be boredom or loneliness, as serious as childhood trauma, or to medicate depression or anxiety. Watching porn starts off as a so-called harmless entertainment but eventually the brain gets addicted physically and emotionally.

Addicts go into a 'trance' or 'autopilot' mode where parts of their brain shut down that control decision making, morality, risk analysis, and our conscience. It is a pain-free, judgment-free, care-free state of mind. An addict can spend hours in this state of nirvana. An addict is forever chasing this feeling and forever coming up short. The illness is that instead of turning to healthy sources of comfort they turn deeper into their addiction. It is a downward spiral that is very difficult for an addict to pull themselves out of. Since it is an emotional problem it defies logic and reason and therefore talking logically and reasonably does not reach the heart of an addict.

You can be EVERYTHING he wants you to be and it will not be enough. Even if a woman from one of his movies appeared in his arms it will not be enough. No woman can compare to the fantasy world that only exists in an addict's head. That woman does not exist anywhere.

It is impossible to have a healthy relationship or sex life with an addict. He needs professional help. Some people are able to stop on their own but they have to admit they have a problem, educate themselves thoroughly, become their own therapist, find an accountability partner (not you), and find a community to help support him.

Unfortunately, you cannot fix him. You cannot make him want to get better. You can show him the path he needs to take but he needs to walk it. Often an addict needs to hit rock-bottom... where the pain of continuing the addiction is more painful than his ability to numb it).

I want to repeat... this is not your fault, you did not make this worse, and you are beautiful and enough for any normal man. Do not measure your worth against the unrealistic desires of a mentally ill addict. Would you blame yourself if your husband was schizophrenic? bi-polar? a sociopath? Of course not! I know porn addiction strikes at the heart of a woman's self-esteem, but you cannot allow his out-of-control mental health tear you apart. He is sick, but he is also capable of seeking help. Don't attempt to absorb all the responsibility or blame into yourself.

Again, I'm sorry you have to go through this. I hope this starts to explain his behavior and gives you some answers to your questions. I hope you find the information, advice, and support you need to move forward.

GG2002 · Feb 21, 2017

Thank you so much for your well written and prompt response. I think deep down I knew it was not me but it's helpful to hear it. As women we always blame ourselves. Seeing it as an addiction rather than sex helps. He did say that he was feeling really bad due to having the flu and wanted to feel better. I thought that was odd and to a non addict it is. We are not married though just engaged and not living together but we plan to soon. Honestly I am not sure since we are not married if this is a burden I am ready to bear. I suppose I will give it a set period of time say six months if he's committed to counseling and getting an accountability partner and trying. But if not or if this is going to be our whole marriage, I would rather stay single. Thanks again!

STAR DUST · Jun 29, 2018

It’s all about open communication and honesty. KAREZZA is a worthy practice if your partner is on board. My wife and I just broke one of our intimacy records of eight straight days and we explored together up to 11 days straight. Sometimes 2 3 or even 4 times in a day. We have NOFAP to thank for that along with KAREZZA. I wish you the absolute best on your intimacy journey. Openness is key. Any way I can help only let me know. Smiles and good energy!

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Partner with PIED

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