PAs: You Don't Deserve Abuse

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Deleted Account, Sep 18, 2018.

  1. AngelofDarkness

    AngelofDarkness Fapstronaut

    I'm sorry for misunderstanding, if there were specific posts on this section of the forum that provided insight into an abusive relationship on the SOs part and this post was supposed to extend the message of such behavior being wrong, then again, I fully support that, I haven't seen those posts. I wrongly connected this to the 'sex after baby' thread in which the original poster was harshly talked to for expressing frustration of lacking sexual intimacy with his wife. So I thought this post was based on some of the responses in that thread that were harsh and unfair towards the OP.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  2. You would be correct in that connection, that's all this thread was from the beginning. There may be some other posts as well but I believe that was definitely the one that set it off.
  3. Yeah, a lot of people have made that assumption, but they are unrelated. They just so happened to come about at the same time, but this was not in response to that. I've been thinking about this for months.

    Just to clear things up, there is a reason this thread came up after that thread, but it's not the reason people are assuming. Basically, I was given some encouragement by a couple people that sort of boosted my confidence enough to finally voice my thoughts about this subject, but none of this was sparked from any one thread. It's been a long time coming, as I said in the original post. And Eyes Wide Open summed it up well.

    But really, I would like to put the drama aside. All of this is just distracting from the actual message of the thread, and its unnecessary and was never my intention. I have no interest in petty drama ruining qhat is supposed to be an important and valuable message.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 19, 2018
  4. Alao, @AngelofDarkness, thank you for handling yourself with grace and class. I'm glad we could clear up both of our misunderstandings without resorting to anger and rudeness. No ill will at all on my part, even if we disagree on things.
  5. AngelofDarkness

    AngelofDarkness Fapstronaut

    Fair enough, I'm still sorry I caused unnecessary drama. I just completely misinterpreted your original post as speaking in defense of the OP in that specific thread, as if what he described in his posts was enough to say he's being mistreated by his wife and with some of the SOs harsh responses potentially reflecting his wife's behavior, so he should stand up for himself, when maybe he personally doesn't even feel that way because of things we as outsiders can't know, things we only assume etc.

    But if there really has been obvious mistreatment by some SOs towards their partners, then I fully support you bringing awareness to such mistreatment.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  6. samnf1990

    samnf1990 Fapstronaut

    Interesting post. I do think that reading of the hurt that other SOs have experienced has been valuable to me, but I also know that if boundaries and restrictions of the type I have seen some couples put in place were demanded of me, I would feel as though the relationship was already beyond saving. Luckily, I had not escalated to the sort of behaviours that other users had in their PMO habits, and so the betrayal that my wife felt was perhaps not as deep, not as sickening and did not cause the same levels of pain. But the pain is there because of the damage that PMO does to what should be the most important thing between lovers: their relationship. I felt shame about my behaviour, not because I had impulses to gain sexual pleasure that were not all originating in my wife, that is a biological inevitability, but because I was weak enough to give into them, and my behaviour did not match up with my conviction that my relationship with my wife was the most valuable thing to me. My wife insisted that I demonstrate that conviction in my behaviour, and I have done. I no longer use P or MO without her there or interacting with me in some way. All of my sexual experiences are now shared with her. She will not demand that I break the laws of biology and stop noticing attractive people and features and so on, but she will expect me not to dwell on the appeal of others, to fantasise about being with them or pleasure myself while having such thoughts. I think this is reasonable, and worth the effort of going against certain aspects of my nature.

    I think that the SOs who are most active on these forums are often those who were the most hurt, the most betrayed by their partner's PMO. Most SOs refer to their 'PA'. Very few SOs on this site think of their partner as an ex-porn-user or simply someone who has quit using porn. They tend to treat the P use as an addiction, rather than an accompaniment to MO that most men use before coming here to rid it from their lives. Perhaps this is due to the severity of use that their partners exhibited before d day, and therefore the fact that the SO needs to see larger changes in their partner in order to forgive them is to be expected.

    My wife did not place the same demands on me as I have seen in some threads on this site, but I am not the same man as these SOs' PA husbands. I did not make the same exact mistakes as they did.

    Every relationship is different, and each needs something different to restore it after a betrayal. And not all relationships can be fixed: sometimes it is better to walk away if that is the only way to find happiness.

    Good luck to all those couples doing the work to repair their own relationships. The most important thing (IMO) is to be heard, to be understood, and to be valued. The same goes for making sure that your partner is heard (listen to them), understood (don't simply dismiss their pain, perspectives or claims, but try to empathise) and feels valued (demonstrate your commitment by making sure your behaviour matches the verbal expressions of the extent of your love. Do your best to meet your partner's expectations of you)

    I'm not sure if I've landed on any particular side of this topic/issue (argument?), or simply taken some time to process my own situation. I feel so grateful to feel heard, valued and respected in my relationship, and so proud of myself for making sure that my behaviour now better lines up with how I feel about my wife and our relationship. I think it is important that people struggling to put an end to their porn use do not simply choose to see their partner's demands or expectations as unreasonable, simply as an excuse to keep up their PMO or similar behaviours. There was a part of me that wanted to do exactly this, when i was most struggling to quit. Sure, these behaviours arise out of certain biological and evolutionary realities, but love should (and can) surpass those indescriminate drives. There is no need to fap when you can get your sexual fulfilment from the same place that you get your love, your self-worth and a great deal of your wider happiness: your relationship.
  7. I was re-reading this post and I understand it now. For some reason I couldn't get the phrasing right at first and it wasn't clicking for me. I definitely agree that SO's don't get a free pass to misbehave. I guess I just really haven't seen it. What I've seen and experienced is that the PA goes thru the fake recovery or a dry drunk kinda thing and that causes more resentment on the SO's part and they know something is still off but come to find out later they're still using or not getting at the root of their addiction. They're presenting to the world that they're doing good and recovering but the wife knows better and can still feel the disconnect, then outsiders say "He's trying so hard and she just won't be nice to him" Everything is not always as it seems. I've even seen on here where someone has accused another SO of being too hard on the PA and then it comes out shortly after that they were lying or still using. What an outsider may think is obvious abuse could be easily misconstrued when you don't know the details of the relationship. The nature of this disease is so horrible to the victim with PTSD and betrayal trauma, these are sometimes lifelong issues, depending how bad the acting out and secrecy was. What I really liked about that interview was the distinction made for addiction, which is different than making a mistake. The therapist explains how addiction has been studied so extensively and they actually understand it really well and have proven ways to treat it. You shouldn't treat an addiction like it's just some mistakes someone made in their past. I wish it were that easy but according to the addicts, they continue to struggle, so then do the SO's, it might be a cause and effect thing.
    Trappist and Queen_Of_Hearts_13 like this.
  8. That's what this entire thread is about, so if you agree with that, then theres absolutely no reason for all the incredibly harsh words you said to and about me. There really wasnt any reason for those harsh words to be said anyway, even if you dont agree with me, but still.

    I'm glad you haven't seen it. That probably means it isnt happening within your group of people you interact with, which is great. But I have definitely seen it, and so have plenty of other people. I've seen it here, I've seen similar situations IRL. Its definitely happening, whether you have seen it or not.

    I've seen all the things you're describing as well. But those things are talked about a TON already. There are tons of other threads addressing those things. Just because I didn't bring them up here doesnt mean I'm dismissing them. They need to be talked about too, and they already are. This subject, however, I have not seen anyone bring up in my several years of being on this site, so I thought I would bring it up, because its important.
    Trappist likes this.
  9. I absolutely, 100% know that everything is not as it seems and that people do that. That's precisely why I posted this as an open message to anyone who believes they are in this position, rather than specifically calling out certain people. Because I dont really know for sure if they are in an abusive position, or if they are just portraying it that way. But if there is any chance that they really are in that position, then I want to help them, and what I'm saying is that IF YOU ARE, then you deserve to seek help for that and not roll over and take it. I mean, this is not some revolutionary, new message. We tell this to women ALL the time. As a society, we have been spread the message to women all the time about what is appropriate or not appropriate for their husband to do to them, so they understand and are clear about where those boundaries should be. I'm simply extending that same courtesy to men. I'm not going into anyone's relationship and assuming I know everything because of a few posts online.

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