past behavior makes me close to suicidal

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by Deleted Account, Apr 16, 2019.

  1. hi, so i’m new to this site and i don’t know if i posted this on the right place or whatever but i just have to get someones opinion on this. I could never tell anyone about it and it makes me feel such an intense shame, to the point of me being suicidal.

    So, i am a girl, 18 years old and i have had a pregnancy fetish since (i think) childhood. I have understood that this isn’t necessarily considered a bad fetish for many people, but to me, a young girl with really strong morals, it is.
    anyway, this is the thing i’m torn apart by: when i was 13 i came across a video of a baby moving inside of a pregnant belly. I remember being so intrigued and chocked by this sightseeing and actually ended up masturbating to it. I had never done anything like that before (masturbated) and i don’t even know how i knew what to do or how to do it. After that you can probably guess what happened, i got into watching a really unhealthy amount of videos of pregnant women and anything with pregnancy could turn me on. I realised what i was doing at around 15 and stopped for a while, then i think i relapsed a couple times but after that but not like crazy much.

    The thing i feel bad for is masturbating to the image of a baby actually moving inside the belly (this happened serveral times after this one aswell). I can promise you that i didn’t get turned on by the baby itself, the thought that it was an actual baby inside didn’t even cross my mind, and that’s why i think i could actually masturbate to the videos in the first place without questioning it. I try to calm myself by saying that i was only 13 years old and really confused and didn’t know anything about this sort of stuff.

    Again, the thought of the actual baby inside didn’t and has never turned me on, but pregnancy itself did already then i think and this is why i could masturbate to it.
    I know this is really bad and there is no way around it. But the people on this site has probably seen everything already so my question is, how bad do you think it is?
    Pati_ryu and Renan_Finn like this.
  2. Troels. L

    Troels. L Fapstronaut

    To me all it sounds is a bit odd, like a foot fetish. You're not doing anything wrong by getting turned on by a pregnant belly.
    Pati_ryu likes this.
  3. stands to reason

    stands to reason Fapstronaut

    I'm using NoFap's new PMO Tracker! Set up your own here.
  4. Renan_Finn

    Renan_Finn Fapstronaut

    That's completely ok, we all have things we regret and one of the most valuable things is to recognize it (which you already did), and to not do this again, you're in the right place.
    I don't think that sooo bad, there are so many weird fetishes out there, I consider it one one of these lol.
    This is past, just aim for now and the future, to not do this again, or anything related, try to accomplish your goal whatever it is, be the better person you want :). Good luck.
  5. thank you so much for your responses, it made me feel better. Although i would like to add that i don’t really have this fetish anymore, i ignored it for such a long time that my brain reconditioned itself i think, or that my ”true” desires came back. I only have normal fantasies and i am more content with my sexuality now than i have ever been. The problem is the guilt i feel about what i have done in the past.

    I have been thinking about how this could have even happened in the first place and i am questioning what i thought about me having the fetish since childhood. I don’t think i could have found the video hot itself, since i don’t now and i am kind of in the same place as i was back when i was 13 (if anything i am worse now, after all i watched porn for like 2 years before i stopped). So, this is going to sound weird but i know for a fact that when i see or experience something that makes me uncomfortable, scared or just weirded out i sometimes get this tingly feeling in my groin. I don’t get turned on when this happens, it’s like an anxiety and fight and flight response where my blood starts rushing or whatever. And this video definitely weirded me out and shocked me. My thought is, maybe i started masturbating (again i didn’t even know what i was doing, i had never watched normal porn or anything) because i felt something down there, and i thought that it was because of the video (which it was, but not because i was actually turned on) and realised that it felt good, kept doing it and eventually got this fetish. I don’t think i had an orgasm the first times i did it anyway, it was just something that felt good and i made a connection between that and the video.

    I don’t know if i’m just grasping at straws, but i feel like it would be easier for me to forgive myself if it was just me making a mistake rather than me just being born evil. I honestly don’t believe that i would ever have had this fetish if this didn’t happen that night. Especially since i was really young at the time, do you think that this is something that could have happened?
    Renan_Finn likes this.
  6. Renan_Finn

    Renan_Finn Fapstronaut

    Well, I have experienced this "tingly feeling in my groin" several times in the past by some reasons. For example I remember is when I used to play videogames, a specific fighting game, I somehow used to get aroused letting the enemy beating my character in the game, it happened a few times and throughout the time I even forgot it, just remembered because of what you wrote.
    But at the time I was 100% innocent child, I didn't even know what is PMO, just a little bit of what was sex, and I didn't developed any fetish bacause of it.
    But after reading what you described and thinking about my experience, I think I could develop something like that, but it's something I can just imagine.
    So answering your question, I think it may be possible...I feel I could develop this behavior, because it was something that made aroused, and as a teenager fapping to know. Thanks for sharring it!
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2019
  7. g2stop

    g2stop Fapstronaut

    Hey I don’t think there is anything wrong with you. Just avoid porn and fantasies and you will be fine. Also forgive yourself for anything in the past and move on as you know better now.
  8. Abetterbrain

    Abetterbrain Fapstronaut

    Fetishes are a funny thing. It can seem odd to Ben turned on my certain things. When we are kids we are very impressionable and we can become turned on by strange and exciting things.

    There is nothing wrong with you. As long as you know you are not turned on my babies themselves. I think pregnant fetish is fairly common in men. Many of them like the way women look (I guess).

    Don’t beat yourself up. It’s fine. If it really bothers you l, maybe seek help from a therapist?

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