Past haunts me, Actions recently destroyed relationships

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by Addict345, Sep 23, 2019.

  1. Addict345

    Addict345 Fapstronaut

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    I have done things in the past that I feel so ashamed of. Things that felt so good at the time but over time destroyed my self worth. There are many instances where I have done things that I am ashamed of. Things that not only hurt myself but hurt other people I care about too. It didn't hurt them physically but I know it hurt them mentally. My momentary actions for immediate satisfaction has caused me and probably other people a lifetime of mental torture and imprisonment. As I got older I stopped doing things that hurt other people but went into darkness and solidarity in my mind. My actions became more and more risky and more exciting because I had to satisfy an urge to do things that were bad but nobody knew about. Taboo basically. Recently my secret perverted actions led me to do something so stupid it has basically destroyed my reputation and my relationship with many people who are closest to me. For many years since I was a young kid I have felt ashamed of this alter ego. This perverted version of myself. It has felt like living a lie. Like living with a boulder on my chest that I can't tell anyone about. So recently I was at a friend's house. I was alone with her and her young son. Her husband was coming home with their other son. The son was downstairs and she went upstairs to shower. I picked the lock to their bedroom and snuck in as she was showering. My head was so heated that I did the stupidest thing you could ever imagine. I walked right up to her in the shower. I just couldn't resist myself. I wanted to see her naked in person. She saw my shadow and said hi and as I got closer she quickly realized it was me and said what are you doing? I got scared and quickly left their room. I was confronted by her husband as he came home literally the moment I left their room. He was so shocked and hurt that all he could ask is why I would do something like that. The scary thing is that at the time I felt no remorse. I felt like a psychopath. I felt no emotion of guilt. I just didn't know what to say. Since then many other people close to me have found out including my wife. Now I feel ashamed and disappointed in myself. But in a way I'm glad my secret perverted self has been exposed. Because now I don't have to live a lie anymore and I can begin to seek help. At first my wife wanted to divorce me but she knows I have a problem. She knows I'm a porn/sex addict and she has decided to help me find help and help me heal instead of attacking me and destroying my self worth even more. I don't know how I'm still so lucky but now I'm here because I need a place to share. I don't want to keep living a lie. I'm going to a sex addiction group meeting tomorrow, and I'm going to see a psychotherapist the next day. I should have looked for help sooner but it was hard stop the things that brought me instant gratification when there were no consequences for it because nobody else knew. But now that I've destroyed my reputation and a lot of people know which sucks but it forces me to seek help. And it feels so much better than the instant high I got from doing the secret perverted things I used to do. Because I feel like it's a new beginning where I can possibly live without this huge boulder on my chest, feeling like I have a huge dark secret I can't tell anyone about.
     
  2. Cool I Can Use Spaces

    Cool I Can Use Spaces Fapstronaut

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    I read all that and I have to admit I stopped a couple of times but went back and finished it.

    *****The reason it was so cringe for me is that I was on that track. I once went to a married woman's house when I knew her husband wouldn't be home. I was friends with the family and was deep in lust for this woman. I had made up a stupid excuse to go over there when I knew he wasn't home. Fortunately she wasn't home either and I never did that again, but I did do some other stupid things in trying to spend time with this woman.

    My friendship with this family ended years later for reasons not related to my sex addiction. But my sex addiction was a big factor in befriending them in the first place, I wanted that woman for myself.

    Anyhow, I write all that to let you know there are those of us here that understand the irrational behaviours that come with sex addiction.

    There are lots of great people here supporting each other, mostly in the "Reboot Logs" section. It is a section full of people's online journals and the people in there are serious about quitting.

    Welcome to the site.
     
  3. Enwar

    Enwar Fapstronaut

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    Please know that God loves you, and that forgiveness is available.
     
  4. iUsedToHaveAnAccountHere

    iUsedToHaveAnAccountHere Fapstronaut

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    Hey! Look, first you have to accept that what you did was fucked up, and you know it.

    Thats a big step, realising.
    Would be worse if you felt that it was all okay right?
    You are lucky and should let yourself move on, even though I know its hard.

    You are better than that, you realised yourself that it was wrong, and you stopped.
    You didnt rape her, you tried to peek on her, just like LOTS of teenagers do in changing rooms etc because it gives them a thrill. Still not okay but its not something extremely horrible.



    Look I have done bad things aswell, you know.
    Hell years ago I used to take creepshots of my own girlfriend, sometimes sharing it with strangers online (no face of course), how does that sound?
    I felt disgusted by my behaviour and I decided to talk about it with her and tell her about everything making it easier for me to stop, and guess what - we are engaged nowadays.
    She simply didnt think this was a big deal.

    This was long ago and I would never do the same today.






    What you have to do is to face it, admit it to those who you feel like youre living a lie towards, let that woman know how sorry you are, and let your wife know that you had a problem and that youre facing it!


    You have a soft inside, telling you that ”Okay, this was bad, and I should never let myself feel good again” wich is a good thing.

    Do you think murderers and serial rapists etc feel that way?
    Probably not, as they probably dont have the ability to feel shame and guilt.




    Put this behind you, grow from it, cherish your amazing wife, and let everyone know that YOU are fighting this!



    Good luck, I wish you best of luck and I know things will only get better from now!
     
  5. Uncomfortably Numb

    Uncomfortably Numb Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for sharing this harrowing story and I hope your treatment goes well.

    Fortunately I have not felt these urges but it has made me realise how porn 'normalises' this type of behaviour... we have all watched hundreds of innocent everyday scenarios which lead to sex.

    Porn is so evil and VERY dangerous! Take care everyone.
     
  6. natalioz

    natalioz New Fapstronaut

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    Thats a big step, realising.
     
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  7. PurgeTheUrge

    PurgeTheUrge Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for sharing with us.
    I can't help but wonder if living with your "dark secret" didn't, in some way, push you to do some of the things you describe with the unconscious hope that you would be caught and thereby force your secret behavior into the open?
    As porn/sex addicts, we've all done dark and shameful things. We've all hurt those closest to us and caused a lifetime of pain to our friends, family and to our victims. This is no easy thing for anyone with a conscious to live with without it destroying self-esteem.
    However you got here, welcome home, brother, and thank you for coming.
    You've taken a huge first step on a path which will be difficult and sometimes scary as you open yourself up to people who will initially be strangers to you. Soon, however, you will find that you aren't alone, that you aren't the only one carrying a difficult burden. You'll find brothers and sisters who will help you to become the person you truly are. You'll find freedom and relief if you continue on the path.
    Stay strong my friend.
    PTU
     
  8. iUsedToHaveAnAccountHere

    iUsedToHaveAnAccountHere Fapstronaut

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    Hey man, I dont know about your situation, but I know for sure that what I did has not caused a lifetime of pain for anyone, but you have a good point there, we have all probably done shameful things, making us realise that we have been addicted.
     
  9. Addict345

    Addict345 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for that. It has been a very difficult few days as I'm dreading facing my friends and family who know what happened.
     
  10. Addict345

    Addict345 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for sharing that. I do feel like I'm on a path of healing.
     
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  11. Addict345

    Addict345 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much. That really means a lot. In a way I have been desperate to expose my secret. I just didn't know how. I don't know if this was an unconscious way to do that. It would make me feel better to believe that but I think if I ask myself honestly I did it out of pure blind lust. I just wanted to see something I wasn't supposed to see and it got me so excited I didn't think anything through. But after the fact I feel a huge relief that my secret is out in the open so I can start living an honest life again. Thank you all for your understanding and support.
     
  12. iUsedToHaveAnAccountHere

    iUsedToHaveAnAccountHere Fapstronaut

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    Maybe you should let your wife check this thread? To let her know that you are not the only one fighting this damn stuff, and to let her know how seriously you deal with it :)


    How was your day? Have you been feeling a bit more like yourself after telling us your secret? Sometimes ”opening up” really makes it alot easier to handle.


    However, I am really happy for you as your wife supports you, just like mine supports me, it really does take away lots of the shame, and it really (at least in my case) brought us closer :)
     
  13. Hold it in

    Hold it in Fapstronaut

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    This usually gets me through temptation, know that Jesus has been tempted with everything under the sun my friend. He overcame and because he did, you can too.
     
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  14. Enwar

    Enwar Fapstronaut

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    Amen. True.
     
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  15. PurgeTheUrge

    PurgeTheUrge Fapstronaut

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    No Problem my friend, happy to help, that's what we're here for.
    I would very strongly encourage you to find a good support group outside of NoFap. This is a great place to start opening up and getting those secrets out, the anonymity we find here is important for those of us who are beginning our journey. But NoFap can't fully replace a good SA group or group therapy under the guidance of a trained therapist.
    Good luck, bro, you can do this.
     
  16. Bright_eyes

    Bright_eyes Fapstronaut

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    I've heard a sentence once, and it was something like: "Don't be ashamed of feeling shame, because it means you have a conscience..."
    The first step in fighting your vices/sins is admitting that you have them. As my fellow Fapstronauts have written before,the first thing you should do is finding a support group in your community, and a good therapist. After that I strongly recommend regular prayer and going to Church, if you are a believer. You can also listen to Jordan Peterson talking about addiction, for example on Youtube, especially about building new circuits in your brain to shut down your old, harmful ones. And of course - I wish you best of luck on your journey.
     
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  17. Addict345

    Addict345 Fapstronaut

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    I do feel a lot better. I've been to one session with the psychologist and going to a group meeting tonight. I've also been listening to the book "out of the shadows". I don't know, overall I feel better. I don't feel the burden of having to hide my secret anymore but I feel more of a depression now. Like now that people know what I've done and know my secret that I don't deserve their love and respect anymore. I find it hard to get up in the morning and even harder to continue working in my career since reputation has a huge effect on business. Not that many people know what happened but I guess I'm fearing if it does get out to more people then people are going to think I've been a fraud all along. I also have no idea how I'm going to face anyone that does already know. I've just been avoiding everyone. I even want to tell more people but I'm afraid to.
     
  18. Addict345

    Addict345 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. I will look that up.
     

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