I have done things in the past that I feel so ashamed of. Things that felt so good at the time but over time destroyed my self worth. There are many instances where I have done things that I am ashamed of. Things that not only hurt myself but hurt other people I care about too. It didn't hurt them physically but I know it hurt them mentally. My momentary actions for immediate satisfaction has caused me and probably other people a lifetime of mental torture and imprisonment. As I got older I stopped doing things that hurt other people but went into darkness and solidarity in my mind. My actions became more and more risky and more exciting because I had to satisfy an urge to do things that were bad but nobody knew about. Taboo basically. Recently my secret perverted actions led me to do something so stupid it has basically destroyed my reputation and my relationship with many people who are closest to me. For many years since I was a young kid I have felt ashamed of this alter ego. This perverted version of myself. It has felt like living a lie. Like living with a boulder on my chest that I can't tell anyone about. So recently I was at a friend's house. I was alone with her and her young son. Her husband was coming home with their other son. The son was downstairs and she went upstairs to shower. I picked the lock to their bedroom and snuck in as she was showering. My head was so heated that I did the stupidest thing you could ever imagine. I walked right up to her in the shower. I just couldn't resist myself. I wanted to see her naked in person. She saw my shadow and said hi and as I got closer she quickly realized it was me and said what are you doing? I got scared and quickly left their room. I was confronted by her husband as he came home literally the moment I left their room. He was so shocked and hurt that all he could ask is why I would do something like that. The scary thing is that at the time I felt no remorse. I felt like a psychopath. I felt no emotion of guilt. I just didn't know what to say. Since then many other people close to me have found out including my wife. Now I feel ashamed and disappointed in myself. But in a way I'm glad my secret perverted self has been exposed. Because now I don't have to live a lie anymore and I can begin to seek help. At first my wife wanted to divorce me but she knows I have a problem. She knows I'm a porn/sex addict and she has decided to help me find help and help me heal instead of attacking me and destroying my self worth even more. I don't know how I'm still so lucky but now I'm here because I need a place to share. I don't want to keep living a lie. I'm going to a sex addiction group meeting tomorrow, and I'm going to see a psychotherapist the next day. I should have looked for help sooner but it was hard stop the things that brought me instant gratification when there were no consequences for it because nobody else knew. But now that I've destroyed my reputation and a lot of people know which sucks but it forces me to seek help. And it feels so much better than the instant high I got from doing the secret perverted things I used to do. Because I feel like it's a new beginning where I can possibly live without this huge boulder on my chest, feeling like I have a huge dark secret I can't tell anyone about.