Past sexual partners?

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by MrUndo, Mar 11, 2019.

  1. MrUndo

    MrUndo Fapstronaut

    Hello to all,

    I’m new so I apologize if I use any wording that is not allowed. I wanted to know if anyone in here has struggled with forgetting past partners sexually? Basically I have had partners that I have trouble getting out of my brain. I used to think about them sexually and M. It wasn’t until I got in a real relationship that I realize that that’s sick and I shouldn’t do that. I am very embarrassed for what I am about to say so please do not judge me. I used to M to pictures of them which weren’t sexual in the least bit. I remember why I started fapping so much in the first place. It was because when I was satisfied that way, I wasn’t thinking about the person. Whenever I would try not to fap then I would get so h*rny and then want to do things that I really shouldn’t do. What I think it is is that my body wants pleasure and I know I can’t get it from those people so I think of them. And to not be unfaithful, I would fap to them instead of go and cheat on my significant other.

    Has anyone gone through something similar that they want to share withme? Have you managed to reboot andlet go of people in your mind? It’s embarrassing and I am sorry if I made anyone uncomfortable....
  2. Zoink

    Zoink Fapstronaut

    I know I have dealt with this personally. I don't feel comfortable admitting it really either. In fact it is kind of a big portion for what brought me here. I am planning on PMO-Mode challenge first, and PM-Mode after that. Looking forward to hear people who have dealt with that themselves and gotten to the other side of things.
    MrUndo likes this.
  3. Focus more on increasing intimacy and be open with you significant other, the stronger this bond grows the weaker things from the past become.
    Wide Awakening likes this.
  4. MrUndo

    MrUndo Fapstronaut

    It’s not an emotional thing. It’s not a love thing. It’s purely sexual. Our intimacy is great. It’s really not so simple.
  5. IDabbleInPoetry

    IDabbleInPoetry Fapstronaut

    I think I know what you mean, and I think it is okay ethically to think about other women as long as you stay loyal to your partner. It's natural to think about other people.
  6. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

    I guess most men are completely fine with themselves obsessing over other women. But if a man like that were in bed with his girlfriend, and that girlfriend thought about her ex, guys at work or his friends to get aroused/to climax, I bet it wouldn't be so okay anymore.

    Constantly thinking about others while in a relationship is a sign that something isn't quite right.
  7. Yes, I have gone through something very similar with an ex-partner to whom I M'd frequently while married.

    I would just say that you have made an amazing first step in recognising that the behaviour is not something you are comfortable with, i.e. it may hurt your partner if they were to find out or it crosses your personal moral boundaries. Please take people saying it is "natural" and "OK" to think of other women with a lot of scepticism. What might work (or actually not work) in their lives may not work for you. When in doubt, ask yourself if your partner would be okay with the behaviour exactly as it is.

    Take what I have to say next as you like. If it resonates with you, take it on board; if not, feel free to ignore it.

    Bringing this kind of thing into the light and talking about it with other people (with whom it is safe to talk about these things) is actually the best thing you can do right now. This behaviour is causing you to feel shame and it probably carries with it a certain amount of adrenaline every time you do it because of how "wrong" it is. This is the addiction, not only to porn, but to the shame. It sounds paradoxical, but at least in my case, the more "wrong" the behaviour, the more likely I was to engage in it (there were limits to this, of course, but these too can be eroded over time).

    Don't be ashamed of the things you do and do try to talk about them with others. It may be triggering at first to talk about the behaviour and what you do, but its power over you will also diminish. As you become a person with more integrity and less shame over their actions, the thoughts will be less appealing and you will be able to move your attention away from them by affirming something like this: "I am not my thoughts, I am my actions". Before you know it the thoughts will be gone and you can resume whatever it was you were doing.

    Feel free to reach out to me via PM if you want to talk about the behaviours in more detail and how you can tackle this.

    Best wishes!
    MrUndo likes this.
  8. Luna Smithson

    Luna Smithson Fapstronaut

    Yes. Past sexual experiences sometimes haunt me.
    MrUndo likes this.
  9. How long have you been working on recovery? Time is always a factor, things do begin to fade.
    MrUndo likes this.
  10. Vet81

    Vet81 Fapstronaut

    I have had similar experiences . There were past partners , hookups in my life ...where the SEx was great but eventually they didn't work out. So yes I do think about these women at times and compare sex with them to sex with me wife of 10 years. But I try to just let the thought come and go. It's not obsessive but I think it is a sign of a bigger issue of mine "the grass is greener", or "things (including sex ) were better way back when.
    For example there was a woman years ago I dated for about 18 months , saw 1x a week had great sex with, but did not love and did not get really intimate with. I think the sex stayed good for me because the commitment was minimal. So I'm still struggling with a disconnect between sex and love/intimacy. And porn hás contributed to that ...
    Deleted Account and MrUndo like this.
  11. MrUndo

    MrUndo Fapstronaut

    Thank you so much for your words. I need to train myself to stop associating ‘wrong’ with that burst of sexual energy. You are so right.

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