Patterns of self sabotage

It is very obvious to me now that I have this behavioral problem and sex is very related to it. When I fail fullfilling my responsibilities masturbating is my ultimate escape because it is my ultimate rock bottom. I do it although I don't want to. I do it pessimistically. I do it like a rebellion. Crossing a red line. A voice in my head always pushes me off to where I don't want to go. The voice says that I do things poorly so give up. I try not to listen to it but I fail. I have just ended my 4 month streak with a voice in my head screaming don't do it you can still stop. I don't know why I ruin things intentionally. And it just makes me hate myself more. The voice in my head that says fuck off to that other voice that tempts me to give up starts saying im a little worthless piece of shit. This little bastard that constantly keeps trying to screw me up proves his right eventually. This is an ongoing war and it's only over when I'm dead then the comparison of the total amount of time I spent given up and resisting and fighting will determine the winner. After 3 years of nofap I made outstanding progress but I am still failing to live as my ideal self. And he knows this that is his power. Once he keeps me in that loop he wins a battle. Then I get up pull my pants on and retreat my army and build up again. If you can relate to this do remember you're winning as long as you're ignoring that sound. Don't get corrupted by the idea at the back of your head that you're worthless and living aimlessly following animal pleasures like a worthless animal you are sounds good. Dont let that tempt you. It's the only weapon that shithead voice has. A lie that you're weak. You're not weak. You're better than shooting yourself in the foot because you're overwhelmed by the distance.