PE... just a waiting game? Tips or tricks?

I think at this point he could try to re train with masturbation kegel exercises or train with you, it's his decision.

it seems normal to me that with a long abstinence one has an increased sensitivity
One effect of porn abuse is delayed ejaculation

 

Lol, this happened to my husband. He had de for our entire marriage, then pied for 5 years and THEN he finally started recovery, 4-6 months pied was gone but he had pe, it gets better! Took him about 1-2 months before it was gone, if I remember correctly. He’s two years into working recovery, if he slips even a little his dick is affected. He’s what I would consider normal right now-gets hard fast with kissing, cuddling, doesn’t come too fast but doesn’t last forever either.

 

Absolutely do not masturbate! It will affect him in a worse way. Just keep using normal sex, it levels out!

 

Almost any kind of slip. If he masturbates at all without any porn or type of visual stimulation it affects him the worse. I told him the golden rule is keep his hands off his dick, it’s not for him to play with. If he looks at porn, it makes him softer when we have sex and much more difficult to even get hard. I dont even want him touching himself when we are in the middle of foreplay. It just doesn’t help

 

Watching for tips.

I've always been a bit quicker to trigger than I wished. My and I have compensated by really focusing on her first and having intercourse be the cherry on top instead of the main course. It's always been a huge anxiety factor and source of shame however. I've tried to explain it, however, I don't think she quite has anything to compare it to so while she tries she can't really empathize.

I'm about 200 days in - we have sex about once a week, sometimes twice, sometimes 10 days in between. So pretty normal for a married couple with two kids. I've tried Kegels but never felt like they made a difference. Th stop-start thing would make sense but the wife is more of a rocket ship than roller coaster, so the idea/execution of that strategy doesn't really work for her.

I've listened to podcasts and read experts and anecdotes. It seems that really I can attribute my problem to the fact that I trained myself to go quickly to avoid detection after being married to help hide my addiction. I can actually pinpoint when I switched "methods". I had DE a couple of times early in our relationship, but no more than 2-3. The "solution" according to sex therapists is to retrain myself either with a partner or through masturbation. Usually, they say start solo and move to partner-play.

I would say this is probably #1 by a good margin why I've talked to my therapist and sponsor about moving masturbation from an inner circle activity to a middle circle one. One that's tested with hard boundaries about frequency, where, when, etc. I know part of it is mental too, and eventually I'll be more willing to be proactive in brining it up with my wife (who at this point just says it's not a big deal and she enjoys the sex and it doesn't bother her) and my therapist (who i've never talked to about it).

Really hoping it kind of cures itself over time, but not overly optimistic.

But until then I thought why not lay out a giant source of shame to internet strangers.

 

I will take pe over him masturbating to last longer. If it doesn’t bother your wife why do you let it bother you? I have repeatedly explained this to my husband. Masturbation for an sa addict almost always leads back to porn which leads back to a selfish,guilt ridden, doped out husband who literally cannot do anything in the bedroom. I might think this a good solution for someone without an addiction. However, if you could do it in moderation why hasn’t that worked before? As you get older, you will find that that your sex life is affected more and more if you don’t quit pmo.

 

Hence why I'm now 6+ months without masturbation. Probably 5.5 months longer than I've gone since I was 12 or 13. I've tried kicking porn previously, but never masturbation. I honestly don't trust myself right now, hence why I have not taken that leap.

I'm grateful I never had ED or any of those issues, but the fact is I have immense anxiety and shame over sexual performance. Probably from watching porn performers.

As for why I care if my wife doesn't - I can best answeer with an analogy. After having and breastfeeding 2 kids my wife's chest isn't what it was when she was 25 when we met. I still love them and tell her. She is self conscious of them and nothing I say will really change her mind. It's an internal problem in my head.

 

He knows it's happening. I hate saying it so bluntly, but nothing you say is going to make him feel better about it. Yes, it happens to most men at some point. But it's still a giant shot to masculinity in general.

You being young makes a difference. Lots of time to get it right. Even without the porn you'd both still be figuring each other out and yourselves. We're both mid-30s so it's a bit different situation.

PE for me probably started when we moved in together and then got worse after our first was born, which is also when my porn use got worse and I switched techniques.

 

No, if anything worse. I used to masturbate 2-3 times a week, now none in 6+ months. Was never a marathon man or anything, but would love to go back to where I was.

 

My husband was a marathon man and I despised it. When a man lasts really long, it feels like he’s not into you or sex. It feels like a chore. Obviously two pumps and done would get frustrating, but so is 30 minutes and he still isn’t coming.

 

Not really. I mean logically I know I satisfy her sexually. She tells me, I see/feel it. It's about measuring up to what I feel like I SHOULD be able to do. It's meeting my own expectations and wants and it's a deep seeded fear that I'm not performing, which will lead to being replaced. I have similar anxieties around work and such. This is just the big sexual one.

 

I'd rather not go into details. I will say others have it worse where they finish before they ever get in and I will add that this definition from Web MD is not that far off.


"Premature ejaculation is a male sexual dysfunction characterized by ejaculation which always or nearly always occurs prior to or within about two minutes of vaginal penetration; and, inability to delay ejaculation on all or nearly all vaginal penetrations; and, negative personal consequences, such as distress, bother, frustration, and/or the avoidance of sexual intimacy."

If I got to choose I'd settle into an 7-10 minute range.

 

I’d say that’s about where he is now. I think part of pe is anxiety about pe! Once my husband really understood how much I despised him lasting forever and that quick might not be ideal all the time, it never bothered me. He’s been working at this for couple years now. So, I’d say just keep clean and work with your wife and eventually it will get better.