Peak of my addiction I bought a second laptop for porn.

takezawa2

Fapstronaut
I remember when I bought my second laptop solely dedicated for watching porn. I remember the rush I felt when it first arrived, it was a high, I physically felt weak (almost couldn't even stand), my hands were shaking, I didn't even know how to use it and I was overwhelmed with anxiety with the unlimited opportunity I had to just binge out on it. Shamelessly I never had to clear out the browsing history, I could save videos and photos to the desktop without any care and ease of use.

I didn't just buy a crappy low grade laptop, I bought a top of the line MacBook because I wouldn't settle for anything less. I used my tax return to eliminate some of the guilt, strangely I felt accomplished, empowered and sadly proud of this. My other 'work/professional' devices collected dust, I lost myself, stunted the ambition to pick up a hobby or true passion in life, I've been stuck in a dead end job for over 10 years simply because I don't know myself outside of porn.

This is when I knew how bad the addiction was when I made this expense for strictly that activity, and I was so deep into the addiction I did not care. That was 3 years ago now that I bought it and the files, and the bookmarked webpages only got worse and worse.

I carefully organized every file, every tab every bookmark to cater to my PMO sessions The entire laptop is extremely organized. I can honestly say that I've never devoted as much energy to anything else in my life as I did to that laptop. I still own it, and I'm nowhere near eliminating it, but right now I'm accepting its truth and sharing this is healing. I know rejoined this site truly with the desire to quit for the purposes to enjoy and regain physical touch with a real person again, it took PIED, or maybe just ED for my wake up call.
 
glad u are atleast recognizing ur addition, that it step 1.

i think though, although its hard, start removing that porn and try selling that laptop so u start to forget about it, or at least wont have readily available porn
 
Welcome... Awesome post man. Coming here is the first step. Take it day by day. Learn from your mistakes.
 
Basically bought an iPad for the same reason. I never had any intention to use it for anything else. Anyway, it sits in the corner collecting dust because it no longer works. It’s a reminder of where I was a few years ago. Not that I’ve become pmo free, but I’ll never go back to being as immersed in this addiction as I once was.
 
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