Perception is Reality: My first time here.

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Deleted Account, Aug 30, 2018.

  1. My husband told me about this thread awhile ago when we were discussing his rebooting journey and use of this site to help him. Even though I do not know you nor you know me as I don't even know my husband's username on here; To those who have been the ear he so desperately needs when I do not fit that role or understand in a way he needs; I thank you. Deeply and truly. You have the love of my life right there within your conversation and what you say sometimes may have the power to give him the positive reinforcement that he needs or you could be counterproductive with false "data" some people throw out into the world to suite their own agenda. I don't know who you are, come to think of it as far as this site goes I don't even know who my husband is. Could I figure it out? Sure. But I don't want to know. He has been very straightforward with me this entire process so to snoop I believe would be a breech of that trust. I am no fool, do I think that when a half dressed woman walks past him that he is not like every other horn dog out and and staring at her? I figure that he is. But for my own self preservation, I do not want to see such admission of it written on screen. I do not want to think that some woman that has not dedicated her adult life to satisfying him, giving him a good life, and raising his children is turning my husband on.

    What brought me onto this site was when I skimmed through the partners section it really disturbed me how many women out there are so angry and vindictive towards their partner. Part of the reason I wanted to try out this forum was that I feel completely alone, especially today. I have too much respect for my husband and our relationship to just go out to talk about his PMO addiction to my friends or family. It is nobody's business but our own that this has become a daily struggle to ultimately free our marriage of it and strengthen our sex life. I don't understand how some of these woman almost enjoy "outing" their significant other or shame him to others. This is the man that you devoted yourself to. This is the man that you exchanged vows with or had children with or given your time, energy, and soul to. No matter how angry I have every felt towards my husband at no time did I ever seek out avenues to shame with through.

    Sometimes I wonder if I am one of the only people who took their marriage vows seriously. I am not attempting to make myself look better than another, I truly so wonder this. When I see my husband struggling or in pain, turning and running never crossed my mind. Throwing ultimatums at him also never crossed my mind. It has been proven time and time again when working with anyone to a change in behavior, giving an ultimatum never works. You either shame them to where they just become better liars, or they resent you. There is no middle ground, Showing love and compassion is the best way to incentive to keep the lines of communication open with you.

    I didn't think I would write this much.. I am so emotional today that I just needed an outlet myself. I fell asleep crying, then woke up with the same tears. Every few minutes I could just burst out with the emotional sobbing best done while pregnant and scared. I am working this everyday with my husband and I am so proud of him. He has made it over a month now. I wish if anything else that he could seen himself through my eyes, that he could see and feel the pride and overwhelming love that I have for him. If he could see it, he would never second guess himself again. At the same time I wish he could see how much I need him sometimes. He has made such amazing improvements since this journey has began. The long her makes it through the more and more frequently I see these "glimmers" of the man I feel so deeply in love with. Which is why I try so hard to be careful about what I say right now with where his recovery is. Days like today where I am just down as down can be is when I need him so desperately. The man he used to be that would fix this. I am pregnant which makes my hormones all over the place as it is. I am feeling down about my body which makes the negative flashes of thoughts that he is oogling other half naked women walking down the street hurt my heart so badly. But I couldn't tell him that, not right now. He didn't do anything wrong and I do not want to shame him or make him feel guilty because right now he should only be feeling pride. I just miss him sometimes, today is one of those days. When we would lay together he would be laying behind me, always have his arms around me. It was the only time that I felt completely safe. He would play with my hair while we watch tv. It made me feel that even though he was doing something else, that I was on his mind and always within reach. I wish he would just grab me and hold me tight. Kiss me like he needed me. Not just a kiss from reflex. A kiss that made me know I was the only one. I miss those. I knew the PIED was part of this journey so I have just been waiting for him to tell me he is ready. But Lord knows there are so many other forms of intimacy like how I just said. I am just so overwhelmed with everything going on right now and feeling depressed on top of it that I just yearn for that human contact or loving feelings. But the things is, there is nobody on this Earth that could give those feelings other than my husband. I don't want the touch or embrace of any other man. The idea of it sickens me.

    When I married my husband not only did I gain the love of my life, but also my best friend. My lover. and it doesn't hurt that he is damn sexy.

    I have so much so say, even as I am more than likely just speaking to myself. But I am also just so exhausted I need to take advantage of my toddler napping and try to do that napping thing myself. Maybe if this ends up being therapeutic for me I will write again.. With all down I a today I feel as though I just wrote all over the place. But that's where my brain is right now.

    Good day and good luck.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 30, 2018
  2. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

    Good day to you as well.
  3. Before anything else is said, I must say you had me at your username and your photo. Labyrinth is one of my favorite movies of all time. :) Thanks for brightening my day.

    Now that that’s out of the way, welcome! There are lots of resources for PAs AND SOs here. For me the best part was not feeling alone in this. Hugs to you.
  4. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

    Glad you made it here
    You are in the right place !
    I’m so sorry you are here , but there are a lot of SOs here that are amazingly supportive !
    What I’m about to say I’m not saying to be critical , we as SO are already fragile , as well as is the PA , so any words of judgment to either can do some damage . I try to not judge either the SO or the PA . I strive to just have empathy for both . To learn , to grow . Though their war is the same , their daily /weekly battles could be so different than mine . Keep in mind many SO come here IMMEDIATELY after a DDAY with very raw feelings . Some are new to PA and have had one /disclosure discovery . Unlike myself , I’m 2 decades in , 18 months since the last DDAY of many . So ya I’ve had BAD days . I come here to say how I feel because it’s anonymous and safe for me . No one in my friends or family know , so this is my space . And it IS very therapeutic! To hear things from all sides , all angles . I’m sorry if this offends you , but to be honest I was a little offended by what you said . But I’m the least of your worries right now ;)
    Congrats on your pregnancy and take care of you xo
  5. Like I said to my husband while we discussed this thread a month or so ago, I empathize with their pain. I empathize with their significant others pain. I suppose it hurts me for all.
    I appreciate the comments, but I am not offended. At all. In all situations I try to learn everything I can, but I never judge people. I just know that in my personal feelings there are some things I don’t believe I could ever do.
    This has been an ongoing “adventure” if you will, for almost 200 days for my husband and I. While it is his withdrawal, his physical pain, emotional pain, flatlines.. I feel them too. So I came on here to see if speaking or journaling could help me. Especially on the very low of low days that I am having today.

    And yes, thank you for the Labyrinth props. During our toddler’s first Halloween I dressed him up at Toby in the striped pajamas and everything while I dressed up as Mr. David Bowie’s character. It was rather epic.
  6. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

    If you want a more private place there is an SO forum as well , I like both forums but my journal is over there . I have found myself reading some stories and I said to myself in the very beginning “ no way would I ever put up with that , I would never stay “ but I have learned so much . I learned the best way for MY husband in the beginning after DDAY was the toughest love you could ever imagine approach with just enough soft love . We are further along now and how we need to be with each other has changed day by day . If I pussyfooted in the beginning I know for sure it would not have worked , never did before and I wouldn’t b here
    hope4healing and Numb like this.

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