Personal Journal for a New Life

Hello to whoever reads this.
The purpose of this thread is to document my progress as I start keeping tabs and taking NoFap seriously.
First off, I want to give a bit of background for whoever might relate to my story. I’m a 19 year-old currently attending college for an engineering program in the US. I was born in the US but moved with my whole family to Ecuador when I was about 4 years old and have lived there until I moved back about 6 months ago. My family has always been the most wonderful and supporting group I’ll probably ever have in my life, and we never really struggled for much financially, so as far as I’m concerned, my circumstances have been nothing but favorable and I can’t complain about anything. However, and as you might suspect, I’m suffering from porn addiction.
I don’t know when the actual addiction started, but I know i started PMO when I was around 12 years old and have been doing it ever since, going as far as time as to do it 3 times a day. My personality has always been a thing I’ve struggled with my whole life, as I’ve never really “cemented” one I can be proud of and can call mine. Since I was a child, I was always the type of kid to act the way other people deem as acceptable and always tried to please people with the way I act, and as a consequence, I’ve never truly known what it means to be “me”. I only realized this during my junior year in high school and started falling into a depression and secluding myself from any social interaction, making excuses such as “my personality is just that of an introvert so it’s okay”, while proceeding to cease any human interaction for weeks at a time. I was never an outcast in school, but I never stood out either. I was always in this gray area where I knew I didn’t fail at anything, but I never felt success either. I know this sounds like a small thing, but I’ve had so many problems because of this. I’ve always been aware of my circumstances and privileges, and instead of trying to use these circumstances to my advantage, I’ve allowed myself to become a complacent, entitled and spoiled person. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t blame my parents or my circumstances for the way I am. I’m fully aware of my shortcomings and decide to do nothing about them, that’s just the type of person I am. When I started high-school I only did things because they were expected of me, as most of my family believed me to be “the smart one” and as such, that’s all I ever thought I amounted to, but I was satisfied with that for a while. Fast forward to graduation and I have no idea where I’m standing or what’s going to happen. All of my friends from high school were so excited for their future and college while I was just frustrated because I couldn’t keep laying back in high school. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life but my parents told me I needed to get a degree, so I told them I wanted to get an engineering degree, since I’m not that bad with numbers (or so I thought), and they would be very proud of a son who has an engineering degree. I didn’t start college immediately because I told them I didn’t know which one I wanted to go to just yet, and spent a whole year between doing nothing, to hanging out with friends who were busy almost all of the time, to spending so much time in my room thinking meaningless thoughts, until I was accepted at a college in my hometown and finally moved to the US with my whole family.
That’s the best I can do at explaining my background even though I just realized I’ve left out a loooot of details, like my attitude during high school, my relationship with my father and mother’s family (which is basically non-existent), and my aspirations for the future. They’re a big part of why I feel the way I feel today. I don’t know why I’m studying in an engineering field or why I’m even here in another country, when I caused these events to transpire. I feel like I’m currently in a dream where nothing really advances and I can’t go back. Like I’m stuck in time and nothing really matters. I know it sounds really cheesy and typical to say something like that, but it’s the only way I can describe it.
I discovered the idea of noFap about a year and a half ago when I was still in Ecuador and decided to give it a shot to start disciplining myself a bit more, failing miserably at it. Now my only real goal in life is to stop PMO but I can’t even do that, so what is there when I can’t even do the one thing I wish in life? This last month I’ve pondered over suicide more times than I can count. I even planned a suicide when I went back to Ecuador because of a method I had access to, and fetishized the idea of people crying over me as they realize I’m gone. Basically, I felt that my only value in life was my death. Despite this, I fear pain. I’m so cowardly, the only thing I worry about when planning my suicide is how much it’ll hurt, not how my family or friends will feel. It’s despicable. Disgusting. I can’t say that I feel much better than when I had those thoughts, but I want to judge the value of my life when I know I’m not dependent on masturbation and dopamine overload, so I’m embarking on this quest and hoping for the best.
Here’s to a successful journey.

 

I’ve come to hate myself for being aware of my own privileged complacency. I don’t know where I’m going but I’m starting to understand a bit of where I come from.