Physical Effects of PA on Partner

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by TryingToHeal, Dec 20, 2017.

  1. TryingToHeal

    TryingToHeal Fapstronaut

    Do you guys think it would be wrong to have one from a hot, muscle clad dude for the husband and I to do together? Like the opposite of cleavage and yoga pants? :p Just wondering what my nofap people would think of that. Is that spiteful?
     
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  2. Spite gets stuff done. ;)
     
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  3. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    SOs, you may want to be careful when you post in the forums about how your PAs addiction affects you. Apparently this is not a safe place. There are SOs on this forum who feel that you are not entitled to work through your pain at your own pace, who have decided that no one could possibly have it as bad, or worse, than they do, so you have no excuse for reacting the way you do.

    I find it very sad and toxic that certain SOs will criticize what other SOs have said from this and other threads to build themselves up under the guise of 'advice to move forward'. It's disturbing and I'm quite bothered at some of the positive PA response to it, too.

    There is no one who has a right to judge what an appropriate response to a PA addiction is, whether it be physical or emotional, or how long it lasts. One person's response is not better than another and most definitely does not make anyone better than anyone else.
     
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  4. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for posting this. Trauma is stored in the body if not adequately processed and responses to it ARE NOT CONSCIOUS. No one should ever feel shamed for having physical symptoms of trauma. Ever.
     
  5. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

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    @EyesWideOpen & @Sadgirl I must have missed something, did someone complain that we were sharing that we have effects to the betrayal trauma and stress of it? If so that’s incredibly heartbreaking to hear.
     
  6. ILoathePwife

    ILoathePwife Fapstronaut

    I've come to that conclusion about the main forums, yes. It doesn't feel safe to me, partially because of the fear of attack, partially because I get triggered by things I read here. So I post mostly in the SOS group forum. I think all you ladies are members but feel free to join if you're not.

    Go to groups, SOS group and click join. My No. 1 priority is that the SOs group forum is a safe place!!
     
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2018
  7. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Yes.
     
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  8. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

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    We use this as our safe space. Don't feel bad for having physical symptoms. Don't feel bad for sharing them. None of us asked for this. Whether you are here because of your current partner, ex, first PA or second. Whether you've been going through this 1 month or 20 years it makes no difference. We should be united and empathetic. We should help each other out with understanding and love. We should know that everybody is different in their healing and recovery. If you find something that you don't agree with, maybe just don't read that thread. Simples (insert grinning meerkat here).
    Ps. I thank each and everyone of you strong and amazing SOs. Thanks for being here with me to fight this. I wish you all better health :)
     
  9. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    I agree wholeheartedly with @Broken81. SOs will differ in their ways of handling the situation they find themselves in and in the advice they give to others. There will be threads expressing a whole spectrum of views across this site, some of which you may strongly disagree with. If someone has issues with this thread and wants to express their views to that effect in their own journal, then to me that is their right. If it upsets you, then as @Broken81 suggests, it is probably best not to read that particular journal. If they were posting aggressive, judgemental comments into this thread, then that would be unacceptable, but I don't believe that to be the case.

    ANH
     
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2018
  10. Yep. We certainly don't need more shame to process.

    This is critically important. Emotional safety.

    OK, but how would one know until they actually read it?
     
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  11. ME TOO

    Criticizing others typically comes from a personal "place" of insecurity, so right now I am sending compassion to the one who posted toxic criticism as well as all of us who are dealing with TOO MUCH already. We all need support. That's why we are here.
     
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  12. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I have not seen that thread, is it still up? As many of you may have seen I get into my share of arguments with people on here. I have been outright criticized for saying that an SO had a right to leave. When people attack me I remind them that people on this forum are often very emotionally vunerable so you have to be careful when you say such things. It could really be a trigger. It’s one thing to state a different point of view, but entirely another to force that upon someone or judge them.

    What I will say is that almost every single time I could see that the person responding was doing so out of their own pain and anger. It had nothing to do with me. They were just taking the anger out on me. What I had said triggered them because they knew it was true, and they did ot want to hear it. Since I am not currently in a relationship, I think I may be a bit more objective and it does not hurt as much. But when I was in the deep of just finding out it would have made me feel horrible.

    Onto this topic yes I had physical symptoms. I did not sleep, I could not focus, I gained 20 pounds, I never worked out, I ate like crap, I started drinking (I don’t drink at all), I withdrew from friends and family. It was quite horrible and I did not realize how horrible until I walked away.
     
  13. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    I totally see everyone's point of view, even that person's point of view that most are upset by.

    I think the point was that, yes, we have all been damaged by our partners and their addiction. But, once DDay or full disclosure has happened, and a significant amount of time has passed (i.e. at least between 1-3 years)) with minimal changes from the PA, and you are suffering, physically so, that your life is being so destroyed by it, then yes, at the end of the day you need to take care of yourself. Because we SO's deserve love, self-love too, and if we continue to stay in a situation (I'm talking staying for years with no improvement or just minimal recovery work or inconsistent work) that is hurting us so, we are being abusive to ourselves at some point. I know that I've suffered before my husband being addicted to self-harm from other trauma's.

    My husband has even asked me if I am doing certain things to feel pain because I haven't self-harmed in over 2 years. Like asking stupid questions that are considered pain shopping, he says that I am replacing that behavior for self-harming. Maybe there is something to his idea.

    So I've tried to make sure that I am loving myself, and doing things for me, and that may include creating distance to take care of myself.

    I also think we all make choices, right? We should own that, right? If I choose to cheat, I should own that. If I choose to stay I should own that. If I choose to leave, I should own that. Just like the PA should own if he relapses, if he lies, if he isn't doing recovery work.

    So sorry if this is long winded, but I think that person's point was that we, both SO's and PA's need to own our decisions, especially decisions post DDAy/full disclosure, especially if years have passed by with no/minimal change.

    At the end of the day, we need to take care of ourselves, first. That's not selfish, that's self-care. If your PA is holding you back, hurting you still, abusing you, neglecting you, especially if he knows what to do to change and recover and isn't doing it, I think it's time to really take a look at the situations and write down the pro's and cons and see whether your life is healthier and happier with the PA or without. That's really hard to do, and challenging and painful. But we need to be honest with ourselves just like the PA's need to be honest.

    (Sorry if anyone is angry by my post, no intentions of offending. I just hate seeing SO's um, fight, or get upset, or divided. We should all try to help each other through this!)
     
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  14. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    OMG I had the same thing. I suddenly developed eczema mostly on my arms. And I would pick and scratch at it at night without evening knowing it. The doctor said it was all stress induced.
     
  15. Hopefulgirl

    Hopefulgirl Fapstronaut

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    That person was referencing this thread and none of us are 1-3 years post disclosure. Regardless, the judgement about how others deal with their pain, or how trauma has impacted them needs to stop. I recall a similar post about pain shopping "being for attention" when it is psychologically not so.
     
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  16. My first instinct was to not touch this thread with a 10-foot pole .... BUT, I care too much about this NoFap community / I care about the people commenting here and on both sides of this.....so my two cents:
    * everyone's particular situation is different and unique
    * everyone processes things differently

    * one of the things I have seen a lot of and have greatly appreciated is the vast variety of advice and suggestions offered by PA's and SO's -- I need to pick through it all / learn from it all / and apply it to my situation the best I can (many things don't apply)

    * what I think has been the MOST beneficial for me personally .. is when someone replies to one of my threads/comments and essentially rips into me (boot camp style..think Full Metal Jacket for those who remember that movie)
    *** now, I'm the PA .. so I should probably expect that my thinking is probably fairly wrong/skewed in a lot of things....so a "yelling"/corrective response--I should almost come to expect this
    *** but even for the SO .. there will be different ways to handle these challenges we all find ourselves in .... and it should be fine for every person to express how they are processing things themselves AND feel the liberty to offer those suggestions to others (even if they go against how someone else thinks it should be handled)

    What should NOT be tolerated when someone suggests how to handle a situation--they shouldn't call out someone by name, point a finger, etc. But one person's way of handling a situation might very well offend someone else .... even how strongly one person describes WHY they do Choice A and not do Choice Z --- that could easily be taken as an offense. But, thoae strongs words also might be exactly what someone else needs to hear ... does that make sense?

    If any of us read's a suggestion/comment/journal entry -- and internalizing that to our own situation .... if we find that offensive, I think the right reaction is to give an alternative iidea .... and not call out that original suggestion/comment/journal entry as wrong.

    ..

    In the end, this is a place for hurting people .. trying to figure things out .. trying to help each other through it .. there will be many opportunities to be offended, to be confused .. but communicating and talking things out--like you did in this thread is how we are going to work things out. Thanks for creating this thread.
     
  17. Agreed.

    After severe trauma impacts a person physically, they **may not** be able to go back to the level of their previous health --- example: soldier who develops PTSD - there is no going back - the soldier can only learn to manage symptoms and do the best she/he can to cope and heal. Another soldier may experience the same traumatic event as the soldier who developed PTSD and that other soldier doesn't develop it. It's highly individual. After trauma is truly manifested as PTSD, then it's with that person for life, whether they leave the military or, in this case, whether they leave a relationship.

    Trauma can and does manifest physically in our bodies, sometimes for a period of time, and sometimes forever. Not every spouse/partner develops diagnosable PTSD. Of course, partners certainly can and do feel the impact of this addiction on our bodies, minds, and spirits.

    I have PTSD. It's severe. It's complex. It has affected my immune system. Would that improve by just leaving my marriage? Nope. What's the most I can hope for? Taking the best care of myself that I can manage and learning to cope with triggers. I have better and worse days, but overall, I am doing better than when my husband first confessed his betrayals and when he became psychotic and tried to end his life in front of my eyes.

    SO - if my husband wasn't working on his problem in active recovery and on our relationship, I'd be gone. Frankly, if he hadn't worked on his mental health over time, I'd be gone, as it's a safety issue (financial, emotional, etc.) I've set up boundaries to protect myself, and his work is essential if he wants the privilege of being married to me. My boundaries are mine to make and mine to follow through on.
     
  18. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

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    I have PTSD from my sexual assault, PTSD from a rape, and PTSD from another rape and PTSD from this addiction. I think I know the effects of PTSD and have been dealing with them for over four years. It's true it's with you for life in a sense.

    After the last rape i didn't leave my house for 3 months. I was not functioning well, and ended up back in treatment for my anorexia. I know that trauma can impact functioning in the very beginning.

    But I can now have sex 90% of the time with no triggers. There was a time where I would have a full-on flashback to my rape and was incapable of having sex for a while. Also, I know the physical effects trauma can have on the body. I did what I needed to do, and I left my college and that town, and took a huge turn in what I was studying and turned something negative (sexual trauma) into something positive (deciding to be a counselor who specializes in trauma, betrayal trauma, and sexual addiction after I've seen so many hurt by this addiction).

    Same with the PTSD from this addiction. There was a time where every girl I saw with dyed hair gave me a panic attack, and now only certain types of girls with dyed hair give me panic to a certain degree. So yes, PTSD is something one deals with for life, but, it does and can get better and heal. EMDR has been extremely helpful with PTSD, I would know, I did EMDR for my sexual trauma's.

    It doesn't work for everyone, but it might be a good method to look into for those who are still struggling to function. There are other methods to deal with trauma like exposure therapy (which I've been doing on my own at my house with triggers from the addiction and it's taken months but some of my triggers have actually gotten better), or CBT. PTSD takes time to heal from and yes there will be triggers that come up years down the line, but the thing is that the intensity of those triggers can and do fade if you take the time to heal yourself and confront the triggers (which is and can be so painful, but worth it in the end)
     
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  19. I see both sides...and, I think it is healthy for you to raise these concerns.
     
  20. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    Totally agree it’s not at about you or anything you did it’s about them. While they appear to be arguing with you they are really arguing with themselves. You are telling something they don’t want to hear because deep down I know it’s true. A good example is people that are gay but closeted who attack the actions of other gay persons. Or maybe a So who is not so sure her decision to stay is the best one. So she lashes out at others who are thinking of leaving. I’ve found in life not just on NoFap if you start to see things this way then you don’t get hurt as easily. And truly at this point you need to just agree to disagree and cease the conversation. They are not disagreeing with you they are having an internal argument you just happen to be there.

    Likewise when someone engages in name calling or personal attack’s what they are saying is the you have won. I think having discussions with people who disagree is crucial to learning and growing. If you have a point I don’t see explain it to me tell me why back it up with some research or personal experiences. But name calling or spewing anger simply says “ I no longer have any valid arguments to make so I’m just going to start attacking you personally to make you upset.” As a woman in a mans field when men do this to me it’s often a jab at my looks or gender. So after realizing they have nothing more they will say “stupid crazy women” or “why don’t you stop arguing with me and go dye your roots.” When two people have come to a point where they have different ideas which they have shared and can’t agree then the thing to do is say we just have to disagree and be done with it. But some people see why concession to a point other than their own as valid as a loss and they must win. So if they can’t win with an argument they will cut you down some other way to feel better.

    As far as personal journals I never kept one here but I did so in private. Often when One is upset and hurting we say things out of pain. We are so caught up at the time we don’t stop to think how our actions could hurt others. If you read something that upsets you try to see it that way first. And just stop reading. It may still hurt but unless you are personally being attacked it’s not meant like that.
     
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