PI-ED? (I have escalated on porn TOO MUCH...) HOCD.

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by puesnaahloko, Jul 1, 2019.

  1. puesnaahloko

    puesnaahloko Fapstronaut

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    Hi guys! So yeah, basically porn has destroyed my life...
    I started watching porn on 11 - 12y/o (now I'm 21) and since then the normal thing was maybe once per day? yeah something like that, well I'm a lot into girls so at the age of 17 - 18 I datted a beautifull girl wich I felt in love with (the only girl I have datted), we were together for 9 months, we had sex (the only one with I had) and it was really good guys, I even remember just both of us resting in bed huddled together after having sex, that felt awesome.

    But all the good things have an end right? So yeah, we broke up, and not in a good way, I was depressed and at that time I started college, the beginning of the fall.

    In the 3 years that I've been on college I haven't fitted very well, made 3 or 4 friends, nothing more, and all of them are guys and just friends for studing on the University, not the ones you go to drink something with. So I've been without any emotional relathionship for 3 years (when I mostly needed it...), and the only thing I had was PORN (because I even felt lonely, like with no friends at all).

    So yeah, 1 per day I did PMO and without even noticing myself I escalated to a lot of new genres that I would never do or think in my real life:
    It started with straight porn, then lesbian, then some anal (never was really my thing), then I found hentai, then POV, then "Stepmom son", then "incest", and the last one who has killed me: I found "Futanari" and then escalated to Shemale porn.
    So I don't know if it was because I hadn't had affection over 3 years, because I had desensibilitated my brain so much, or because I had a lot of stress with exams, but over 2 weeks ago, it stopped working. I had ED guys.

    I can see straight porn now and NOTHING, I see shemale porn and SOMETHING (Not a full erection but almost there). So at this time I started to feel a lot of anxiety because maybe I could be gay without knowing it (I had the thoughts that the only difference was that insted a vagina, it was a penis), so I watched Gay porn to see if something was there, but it disgust me, and give me a lot of anxiety to think about that. The thing is that axiety liberates dopamine so I felt "something" (not even an erection) as I think as a cause of the anxiety.

    That ended on me developing HOCD and lost the sexual & emotional will of being with girls. (that loose of the will is what terrifies me the most)

    I know I'm not gay because I don't see my life that way, if I imagine JUST holding hands with a girl I would love that, but with a guy I don't feel that pleasure, so I'm pretty sure I'm not gay, but in my childhood I had an experience with a friend that it just happened (I could explain it but then people would comment about things that I know they are not true, so if you had some similar experience or you want to talk about it just message me, the thing is that we were "recreating" how would it be to be with a woman, nothing more (we were so fucking weird at those years man...), and I want to say that I never was the pasive, just thinking about that it disgusts me), so even with all of that I've never cuestioned my sexuality until the day that I stopped working (that's another way that I know I'm hetero, I've been perfectly working for almost 10 years).
    But still I'm with HOCD and the fear of have changed sexual tastes.

    I don't know what to do, I want to recover my sexual & emotional will to girls and be again like I was some months ago (even that I felt lonely, I had that will... so I felt better), i don't know man, I want to be myself again.

    I started seeing a psychologist and also I started the nofap challenge of 90 days without PM (it is really PMO as I hadn't had sex for 3 years now and as I am right now I'm not expecting for that to happeng in a nearly future to be honest...) so yeah, I hope this works and I can be myself again, reboot my brain and live the live I want.
     
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  2. puesnaahloko

    puesnaahloko Fapstronaut

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    I also have to say that the past weekend I went to a Music Festival and there were a lot of girls, I din't had the will of being with them I think because how I'm feeling nowdays, but some girls came in to dance with myself and some friends and yeah, through the human contact I got an erection so that relax me a bit, knowing that in real life I can get an erection, but it wasn't the time neither the place to check if that erection was a hard one or not really a good one...
     
  3. Doupleastronaut

    Doupleastronaut Fapstronaut

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    you're straight, porn has ruined you, but you can fix it!
    How old are you?
     
  4. puesnaahloko

    puesnaahloko Fapstronaut

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    Yeah man I think so, thanks for the nice comment!
    I'm right now 21 y/o
     
  5. ironmaing

    ironmaing Fapstronaut

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    Sounds like you've had a pretty rough time but the fact that you don't have PIED is already huge. I have had similar stuff to you in thinking about the idea of being with a shemale and looking at gay porn as I was so confused. I had lost my erection even with porn. It is the most depressive thing that I have encountered in my life (i'm 34).

    I've started nofap, I'm motivated to see it through.

    I also struggle with friendships. Now that I will not spend every night fapping, I'll see about making new friends. There are apps that can help with friends (bumblebff) or others depending where you are. To make new friends, important to get out there. Sign up to societies, groups, join a sports club etc. What helped me is watching, 'Yes man' with Jim Carrey. When you say 'no' you're saying no to life. I started saying yes to any invitation/opportunity and it can lead to new adventures/friendships. Plus dating apps make it so much easier to meet new people, but it can also be a source of addiction so use it sparingly.

    I do envy you though as you can actually get an erection. You're miles ahead of me. I've got awful PIED that even with ED pills it won't work.

    Best of luck!
     
  6. puesnaahloko

    puesnaahloko Fapstronaut

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    Hi man I feel you! I've never had the idea of being with a shemale or a guy in real life but I don't know man, looking at shemale porn (I never checked gay porn) was like something new to see and I think that I didn't even liked it, but that was the only thing that turned me on while watching porn. And at that time I went crazy and developed HOCD.
    But It's been almost a week and a half, and I feel better about that escalation, I don't think on watching that content anymore, I can get an erection (I need some time still to get fully there) with straight porn, so I think I'm improving, and yeah I've relapsed into porn some days ago.

    But I think that this is all in my head, I've been so lonely for the past 3 years that I broke my brain by watching all kind of porn with no one real to be with. And I want to stay away from it some time, but it's hard because as I have severe HOCD I think and it's like I need to keep saying to myself that I still like straight porn.
    I have a lot of Anxiety these days, but now is because the HOCD, I think that I'm "cured" of seeing shemale porn, the less you think about it, the better you will be.

    And speaking of relationships, I have some friends and they invited me to the swimming pool, and one of them is a girl that is very affective, being around her and just not hugging her but like something like that, made me relax a lot, like I know that I enjoy being around women, so that's what I have to work now on.

    And about the "physical" part, yeah, as I said, it still is not very active, I need some time to start working, I don't know if it is because I'm still on some kind of "tolerance" to porn and naked bodies, but it's better that some days ago, also I have finished my Uni exams and I pass all of them, that relax me a bit aswell. I think all is Anxiety man, once you start building some anxiety, it gets more and more powerfull to the piont that you just can't control yourself anymore, and I think it will take a lot of time form me to get rid of my HOCD anxiety and can live my life as I want, as it was before.
     
  7. ironmaing

    ironmaing Fapstronaut

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    Sorry to hear you relapsed back into Porn. What has helped me is to fully accept that PMO is the source of all my emotional problems. Playing blame game has helped because I see porn kinda like evil. I get the feeling of MO a lot, and I basically tell myself: ‘if you want an O, you’re going to have to work for it and get an erection by yourself’. I’m hoping I can convince my brain to rewire by remind it that to ‘reproduce’ (which is what the brain wants), you need to do it naturally.

    I started hard mode a few weeks ago and I feel really good. I feel more like a man and alive. I’m trying full abstinence.

    I’m also amazed at how much more free time I have. I’m exercising more (think you need to do this ASAP), but research a bit first as you need to ease into exercise and ensure that you don’t have any underlying issues before - a blood test can help determine if its all working correctly.

    With exercise you’ll look better and feel better, specially if you eat properly and sleep enough. There is also a social component too. If you do team sports you can meet people: tennis, football, basketball, volleyball, etc.
     
  8. Xaviar.marshall

    Xaviar.marshall Fapstronaut

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    Hey um I'm a 17 year old male and a little over 7 months ago my hocd symptoms began..i was sitting on the toilet and ofc o was watching porn and this dude who was my friend but no longer..texted me saying he wanted to write a song about me..and I found myself holding back a smile..and that freaked me out. I began to question my self, wondering if I was gay for smiling. And before this i had been watching porn for a long time like since I was 10 or 11 years old and it has consumed me I went from not even penetration porn..to face fucking and titty fucking.. and after that I began to question my sexuality and I freaked out all the time I still do..but now I'm scared to go out side because I'm scared that I will be attracted to every man i see. I used to be scares to wear certain type of clothes because I'm scared that it will turn me gay..my brothers and sisters wonder why I carry around loose change in my pocket, tha ts due to me think If I don't I'll turn gay..
    There once was a time where I didn't have any reaction to the thoughts in my head and I had thought that I turned gay. Also as a child I never really had girlfriends. I had crushes on girls, but it was something about me that girls don't like..i just feel like girls will never like me.. I have very low self-esteem.. I have been rejected more times than I can count..and idk what I do wrong..i never gotten a twerk, i don't know what a titty feels like, but I have gotten my first kiss from a girl in 5th grade. I just don't know what to do now.. I can't even watch porn any more not with out wondering if I'm attracted to the penis in the video. That's what my I have been focused around recently. Can some one shed some light on my situation
     
  9. puesnaahloko

    puesnaahloko Fapstronaut

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    I'm more or less on the same situation as you, not for the same reasons but yeah, we all ended up having Hocd and it sucks.

    I'm still fighting it so I can't tell you a success story or something like that, what I can tell you is that no one is gonna give you the work done, we are fucked, and we need to fight if we want to be ourselfs again, in my case I'm going with a psycologist, stopped watching porn (altough I have relapsed yesterday) and going out more with friends.

    How you feel is more or less how I feel to, I've made a lot of "depression tests" and in all of them I found I have a moderate/severe depression, and I found that in the last 3 years, the only thing that has changed is that now I lost interest towards woman and sex, so that means that for those 3 years I sure have the sexual willing, but I had moderate/severe depression aswell without noticing it by myself, and that I think is what has bring us both in here, depression, low self-esteem, being lonely and losing interest towards things.

    I think that we have developed hocd because we are not mentally helthy, once we get that back, I'm sure we'll be ourselfs again.

    I know I have hocd because the fact that just thinking of being with guys disgust me, and seeing my life that way gives me a lot of anxiety, like I don't want to live that life, and because when I'm on the phone I think about it all the time, but once I go to the "real life" I don't even think about it, I just enjoy being with my male friends to have some idiot things to do and love being with my female friends for having affection. (So for me that's a clear fact that as I have been like almost 9-10 years with porn, I have desensiblilizated my brain to much towards women because I get the anxiety when I see guys on the phone, not get the same anxiety when I go out, when I'm out with my friends I don't think about at anytime).

    So I think that at least for me, what I had was a severe depression for over 3 years (being lonely, not making a lot of friends, lossing interest on all things) and went to PMO to just got away of all that, until I got to the point where my brain was so bad that my body told me ENOUGH, then my penis stopped working (as I think my body trying to say "I can't take it anymore, just DO SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR DEPRESSION AND ADDICTION TO PORN) and then I freaked out because I didn't understand the messagee at first, thought I lost all interest on women and developed Hocd, because if you are not interested on woman that means you are gay then huh? ---> NOPE, THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT.

    Now I'm fighting it knowing that it maybe not be that depression and be something else, but It's something to work with, and I got the feeling that it's that what have lead me to how I am right now.

    In your case you have 4 year less than myself bro, you have a lot of time to heal, and I think you can be maybe going through some similar experience.

    You say you have never being with girls, you say you have a low self-steem, and you have been on porn for 7 years more or less I think to get away of that and to just feel some pleasure in your life. To me it seems just like that, you think you are alone and in the future will be alone because you have never been with a girl, so then you started thinking to much about things that normaly we all think in our lifes but it goes away as fast as it came, the thing is that you have stopped that thought of going away because you are worried because never been with a girl and all that thing.

    Don't worry bro it's not the end of the world haven't been with a girl when you are 17! I had my FIRST girlfriend on that age, and first experienced sex when I was 18, but some people do that before and some people do that later. My point is, don't be obsessive with the fact that you have never been with a girl because you are too young bro, it will happen some day, but if you rush things and try to force things to happen, it's not gonna work, things happens naturally so give you some time to relax and heal man, I'm sure you need that.

    And that smile thing ---> IT'S NORMAL BRO, the fact that we are important for someone (Can be affective to girls or just the fact that our friends enjoy being with us man, like going to take some beers, or spend the afternoon playing videogames or whatever) makes us feel happy and good, the fact that you had a smile in you face doen't mean anything bro, just the fact that you felt good, we all have experienced something like that so don't worry abouit it, it's, again, a normal thing.

    Hope I helped bro and we can heal ourself to the point that we can wave good bye to those thoughts while they are going through aour head to then disappear.
     
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  10. ironmaing

    ironmaing Fapstronaut

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    There is no reason to be scared of having gay thoughts, its normal to be curious. There is also nothing wrong with being gay, so don't be so upset about these thoughts you make them out to be more important than they are and are clearly obsessing about it a bit.

    I have come across a channel on YouTube that I am surprised how much this guy knows about the dynamics between men and women - I suggest you study it thoroughly and see what changes you can make to improve your image - you can also download some dating apps like Tinder and Bumble to try to meet real women and build some connection with them. Treat them like a friend, make flirty comments and see what happens:

    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC6Iaz96RkYE-MOjnq5NPgqw

    There are likely things that you're doing, perhaps lack of confidence that is making girls not interested. I think every man has been curious about male genitles. Its normal about being a man to be curious. I've tried lots of weird stuff that can be considered gay but didn't enjoy it. When I hit my low from PIED I was getting a lot of gay thoughts, curiosity peaked. I think was mainly due to my Testosterone crashing and then the estrogen in my system was relatively high.

    What helped me was to exercise, sleep well and take some supplements (omega fats and multi-vitamins), also no PMO has helped get my mojo back. Today I'm horny as hell, but still no evidence that PIED is cured.

    I am super motivated to continue nofap. Whenever I have an urge, I tell myself, "if you want to O, then you need to get erect with a woman". I have also realised how bad PMO has been and is the root cause of all my emotional problems.
     
  11. Xaviar.marshall

    Xaviar.marshall Fapstronaut

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    It's like when I do masterbate it's like a meh.. I used to no homo fall asleep after bit now with all these gay thoughts flooding my brain I don't get a sensation when I just a bit is that bad..does it mean I'm gay..and I also have a hard time keeping a erection unless I watch porn... once again it's like I have to force my self to..but even now I withstood pmo for 5 days now and I relapsed just now and it was like o didn't have a feeling but it was hard to get hard..idk what to do...its like when my auntie asked me who she is and my brain said what if it's a boy..anf i freak out I don't like the thought of a dude with me..i need help is this pied or am I just gay..but i don't wanna be gay..(sorry for the horrible writing I'm panicked)
     
  12. ironmaing

    ironmaing Fapstronaut

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    Having gay urges has been observed in bad cases of PIED. Even shemale urges have been observed. You appear to have PIED.

    You absolutely need to nofap on hard mode if you want the fastest results.

    From what I've learnt so far, I suggest the following:

    - Read as much about nofap as possible including TCM teachings (Traditional Chinese Medicine). Link: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/6-years-clean-rebooting-as-the-best-remedy.135983/
    - You need to become obsessed about learning about this addiction as knowledge is key to overcoming this.
    - You need to absolutely keep busy all day to avoid boredom PMO. Exercise, socializing, hobbies, etc. Also remove any triggers to Porn e.g. put laptop in different room, somehow block the websites you use, delete social media apps or other apps you use to get dopamine spike.
    - You need to see PMO as the cause of all your emotionally problems. Only through this can you make it your enemy and avoid relapses.
    - Write down the reason why you want to get better and live by it. e.g 'I need to overcome addiction so that I can start a family', 'I want to feel normal again'. Use it to remind yourself when you have an urge (which will happen often). Your brain has built a habit and changing a habit is tough, even when the habit is bad.
    - You need to overcome other addictions to lower the stimulated brain i.e. need dopamine levels to drop as much as possible. Sugar, Caffeine, Junk food, Drugs, Alcohol, Social Media, etc.
    - You need to get fit. Cardio exercise is great for recovery and lifting your mood. Also go for walks and enjoy the sun to increase Vitamin D.
    - You need to take care of your kidneys. According to TCM, adrenal fatigue is one of the main factors leading to ED




    - Check with a urologist to rule out any other condition. I did a blood test last week, waiting on the results to see if I'm 100% ok.
    - Try meditation and self-hypnosis to change your perception about previous sexual instances where you had PIED. Blame PMO and not yourself.
     
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  13. Porn is trash

    Porn is trash Fapstronaut

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    Hi, I am almost 17 and I also have HOCD. It all started 2 months ago, when my sister was making fun of me telling me I was gay. After that I began to think over that, and I started thinking I was gay. I've been watching porn since I was 6, my porn tolerance began to escalate till the point only violent porn turned me on. I also have PIED. So HOCD made me to began to suffer, I was afraid to look at guys because I didn't want to be gay, I've never had a girlfriend but I've had about 7 crushes seens my childhood, the last one was 4 months ago. The point is I don't know how but I knew that all this was because of porn, so I decided to stop masturbation and watching porn for 2 weeks.
    After 2 weeks I realesed my HOCD reduced and I could have a average erection on normal porn or even on my natural heterosexual thoughts. So I gained a bit of confidence again, I used to suffer a pain in my stomach when I saw a guy but that pain reduced significantly. I also had unwanted gay thoughts but my body wasn't reacting to them as before, and this thoughts began to appear less in my head. But I was stupid and began to watch porn again because I had a little bit of confidence after this little recovery, and after some days my PIED and my insicurity returned so my HOCD also increased. To make it worse, I also began to watch futunari (anime tranny porn) but it was just one day, and thank god it was only one day because my PIED could had got worse, I couldn't imagine a girl without a pennis for about 6 days, but now I'm ok. So last 2 weeks I began to research on HOCD, PIED and porn tolerance. I descovered that guys like us who have been watching porn for many years almost every day, our porn tolerance is to high so that means that we are going to need more extreme porn to have an erection (violation, incest or in the worse cases going to a different gender porn). So this is the way we develop PIED.
    Now let us talk about the HOCD, having PIED means that if we see image of naked girl or a real life naked girl is not going produce any effect on us because our brain have seen too much of that . So our brain is very vurnerable, every person have a different way to develop HOCD, in my case I developed it because my sister called me gay then I started to doubt myself and started having gay thoughts and my body reacted to them by giving pain and a little strange erection sometimes (thanks to my porn tolerance wich only allows me to erect to extrem things like some of this gay thoutghs), other people get it after watching other gender porn. In conclusion after my research I discovered that people like us can't watch porn ever again if we want to be ok, porn is over for us. The solution is called rebook, it consist in stop masturbation and porn for long time, after some months or years we can begin to masturbate again but porn is over for us. Porn is trash it almost ruined my life, for the last two months I've been suffering every single day. We have to be strong and remember, that does gay thoughts will still be there but don't fight with them, treat them like another normal thought or else you will start feeling pain, anxiety etc.
    Due to my short recovery experience I am also sure that once we get cured from PIED our HOCD will also go. Some people recovery will take more time (months or years) but be strong.
    Sorry for my english I'm from Spain :v
     
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2019
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