PIED AND HOCD

Please forgive my english
This is gonna be somewhat a long post (sorry)
Hi guys I'm 25yrs from india
Let me try to explain my situation that I'm currently in
It was during 2010 ( when I was 15yrs old ) I mastrubated to porn or even realised what masturbation actually was , before that it was just raw attraction towards the opposite gender that started by age 8, So after my first masturbation it was a feeling as if I've found what being a man really was , after that I was pretty much hooked towards it , It was mostly minimum once a day for almost 10 years

Now onto My HOCD , i recently found out that my genre liking in porn has come a long way from softcore porn , before like 2years I found nothing in straight porn excited me anymore like it used to and suddenly among my surfing on the porn site I found a trans video it somewhat excited me . After the wanking off session to the video I was really frightened thinking there's something definitely wrong with me , after that I constantly play gay videos in order to check if I'm getting any boner or whatsoever , but this made me to mastrubate more to straight porn inorder to convince my brain that I'm straight . Only after an year I found out the concept I'm experiencing was HOCD , I should say this I've prayed that even my enemies should experience this , it was so tough when your mind constantly battles whether you're gay or straight . I've tried a psychologist who just gave a tablet for OCC suppression . After a brief amount of days I thought I'll face my fears , I noticed I never liked men on sexual aspect of any manner it was just the boredom of conventional staright porn that made me venture into trans porn , but still I battle HOCD which randomly appears
But deep down my heart I know I'm attracted to girls . I've had several crush .

Now my PIED
I eventually realised that my boners weren't the same as it used to be , apparently I was doing deathgrip . It was like only if I wank it in godspeed I could be successful (you know what I mean) , I was once in a massage session ( I didn't know my friends paid her to stop my virgin streak , yeah I'm still a virgin ) when things eventually heated up I lost my boner on a very important time , Even though I was convinced that this was normal on first time it broke my heart to pieces and made me like soooo down , this was followed by days of surfing Google on losing a boner , am I gay , how to find my sexuality and many more bizarre thoughts on Quora , reddit wherever it was possible

Eventually I found about PIED and HOCD threads which was so similar that my feeling was mixed happiness and sadness because I was not alone in this ,
After reading many threads I realised my remedy was nofap !
I tried nofap from 1st of July 2020 but didn't know the exact rules and thought edging without porn was fine by third day and finally relapses on 10th July 2020

But I'm really looking forward for my 100 days Challenge that started from the moment I relapses

Thoughts and suggestions would be very helpful .
Thanks in advance !

 

Thanks man , I'm glad I'm finally on the right place

 

Alright , I'll look into it

 

Oh great ! I'll look into it