Plan on confessing tonight

It's great that you want to talk to your wife, seek forgiveness, and try to enlist her help. Here's an old thread that talked about how to disclose. If you disclose in an insensitive way then you can cause unneccesary trauma. I hope it helps and that your conversation goes well.

 

@Ryan77 Check out @Tripper "s "New Here" post. It might help you. I am an So and I was LIVID when I was told. I mostly was upset that he lied about it for years and I knew-but he kept lying. If your wife is really mad-it doesn't mean that she will be forever. Stay humble, stay sorry, work hard at listening to her. Good luck.

 

Can you share with us what happened and perhaps give some advice to the next guy who is going to disclose?

 

I anticipate that her feelings will change in the next few days and that she will want to reach out to someone and to know she isn't alone in her feelings. Talking to someone from church might not be the best idea-she might feel judged and shamed even on a subconcious level. Showing her this forum could help (she is welcome to contact me), and I suggest that you set up an appointment with a sex addict counselor and that you both go. A sex addict therapist can provide you and your wife with scientific information And insights into your relationship that people you know (pastors etc) just won't be able to provide. Thinking of you both And sending love.

 

hey @Ryan77 - super kudos. that was a tough thing you did. good job for making it happen as sensitively as you know how.

as far as helping her "get the help she needs" - you need to chill. You cannot, and should not, attempt to guide her or push her into anything at this point. you cannot control her. let her deal with this in her way. be ready to answer questions. don't stop talking!! don't expect, or even initiate anything sexual.

be loving. be patient. be communicative as much as she wants. but don't offer how to fix her. you focus on you.

peace, bro

 

Definitely agree with this. My wife (sorry, ex-wife ... not used to saying that) had a co-pastor from our church come to the house to speak with us after she shared what we were going through. He sat down and, swear to God, asked me if I knew what a "reprobate" was. Then he proceeded to tell me that he didn't believe sex addiction was a real thing. It was such a frustrating talk that I almost left our church over it. How could I possibly get spiritual help for my single biggest obstacle if I'm going to a church where they don't even recognize it?

Thankfully, I had done enough therapy and studying about my addiction to know he was wrong. But if I'd been less educated, that could have been a very damaging conversation. I could have walked away with more shame and guilt than I had before. I could have walked away believing that I was just a bad person who couldn't make good decisions.

Just be thoughtful about who you allow to speak into this part of your lives.

 

That's crazy! I honestly think it depends on the church bc I spoke to one of our pastors at church and he met w my hubs and hooked him up with another person who struggled heavily and overcame. It turned into a men's accountability group and they were going through a book together.
I personally read an awesome book that helped me tremendously and then I discovered this site which also helped tremendously bc I think it's more "raw" than a faith based system. Sometimes you just need to hear things in a not so pleasant manner.

 

100%.

I didn't get nearly as much help in church-based 'Celebrate Recovery' programs as I did in SAA. I really needed the freedom to be raw and totally honest. I found that in church-sponsored groups, I was always editing myself because I wanted to respect the sensibilities of other believers. In SAA, I can just let it all hang out. Well, not literally.

 

Lol I hope not! The exhibitionists might get jealous

 

Only the exhibitioninsts?

 

Oh, My!!

 

@Jolie why does your amusement NOT surprise me Haha

 

*Jolie shrugs*

 

Although well intentioned, you may have gone too far with this one. She basically just had her world blown up and is trying to process that first. Then you throw in there that other people know and that makes it worse.

Personally, I would be furious if my husband did that. I am deeply private and I trust very few. For others to be told my personal business when I don't even know it yet would wound me deeply. I would feel like a fool; not only am I stupid enough to not see what was go in on in my own home with my own husband, but now everyone else knows too, and I've been kept in the dark.


The fact of the matter is that some SOs do not want to talk to others, do not need to talk to others. For them, sharing is a detriment. It is not always a benefit and not every SO "needs help." We all have different ways of processing info and dealing with our pain. I am much better off dealing with things on my own. I would never see a counselor for myself, I don't see the point. I would consider going to a few sessions with my hubs' if it would help his journey though.

At this point I am guessing she feels as though you are saying, "Here, go talk to these people so you can get over this, I can be guilt free, and we can move on." I'm sure that is not your intention but considering what has just been thrown at her, this is how it looks. Do not push her. You gave her the information, let her do with it waht she wants. She may find it useful soon, she may find it useful later, she may be like me and never use it. She has made it very clear her feelings to you on this. Give her space to process it how she needs to but make yourself available. Do not talk to the other SOs about your PMO or speaking to her again, or ask their PAs to. Let her do that if and when she is ready.

Just the two cents from a private SO.