I am not sure if I already wrote about this. I cant remember. Doesn't seem like it. I was visiting a girl friend of mine this weekend and I am starting to question myself what kind of relationship we really have. I like her, I always have. But nothing ever happened between us although we both had our chances to make a move but none of us ever did. We cant deny that we have chemistry. Quite a lot of it actually. We talk for hours on end and we typically meet up for maybe 20 hours a week. We flirt usually, but we never kissed. This weekend I talked with her about what I was planning to do this semester. She has been mentioning several times now that she dont get why I dont buy an apartment in her city. I always tell her that it is because I like to live close to my University. Still, I am visiting her city at least every weekend and she is my first pick to hang out with because she is a really good friend. Most of my other friends also live in her city since it is the largest city in the area and where people typically go to get good jobs etc. We talked about everything possible this weekend just like every other time we meet up. She mentioned one of her exes. I have just assumed that I am in red alert friend zone with her and I dont mind. She is in my friend zone as well. I have feelings for her and she for me but I just always assumed that we were just below that threshold of mutual attraction for it to work out long term if we ever tried. But now I am starting to wonder if I have been wrong about her for all these years. We could as well have been together for the last 3 years or so since none of us have really been dating and none of us seems to be ready to date in the near future neither. We talked about dating yesterday. It is not an unusual topic for us to discuss. She mentioned that if she were to date, she would probably date a friend which she trusts and have known for a few years. I dont need to join Mensa to connect the dots and see that she is basically talking about me. I didnt connect the dots right then and there of course. We went out to order some food. I talked a lot about people I was going to meet, that I needed to find new friends, people to date and so on under the assumption that we were just friends. A little odd that she didnt support me in finding new friends etc. I just had to disagree with her line of arguments about why I should not meet new people. Then she got a little sad and told me "but I like spending time with you" and briefly touched my ass. I got too much brain fog I guess since I didnt realize how sexual of a touch that really was. I focused on what she was saying, appreciated it a little but all in all my reaction must have appeared pretty flat to her or as a rejection even. A few hours later, back at her place watching maybe the third movie on Netflix for the day, I started to realize that maybe this wasnt the platonic friendship I had lead myself to believe it was. She seemed a little hurt for me not taking the hint earlier. We talked a little about it. I was feeling more off than usual since I am going off some tranquilizers. So I was a little shaky and I may have appeared nervous even though it was probably withdrawals. So I asked her if she got social anxiety. She told me yes, sometimes. I told her that I was just anxious in general. She asked me if I could try to just let go. Easier said than done I told her. I decided it was time to leave. It was getting late, I didnt feel ready to handle this and I was getting more and more confused. She followed me trough the rain to my bus stop, lingered around for the goodbye even. I gave her a hug as always but this time I touched her waist briefly. She didnt mind at all. I could as well have kissed her since it was the appropriate moment as some would have said. But this was just outside of my comfort zone already. She asked me when I will be back. I told her 2 weeks. I have a lot of questions I want answers to right now. I will ask her next time around. We have never kept any secrets. Asking her out would be low risk. Even if I get a no, we are still friends and no harm done.