Please help me, am I a pedophile?

T

Throwaway18

New Fapstronaut
I am 18 now and being activley going in and out of nofap since i was 13.

I lost my orgasm at young age from death grip that bad i can't even get it from myself anymore.

Starting at about 13-14 i was looking at loli and material like that.
I even searched pics and vids of teens (same age as me) because it was the only taboo that wouldn't affect me (same age).

When i was 15, i was doing nofap in hopes to correct my hormones and brain from porn addiction but i accidently came across a video on a top 10 list for weird videos:

It was a bunch of schoolchildren (younger than 12) doing really sexual dances (clothed) and rubbing themselves against each other. (this was youtube-safe)

I looked at it and i wondered if it would make me orgasm as i was depserate for a feeling and it reminded me when i was 10 when i could orgasm so i fapped and it was the worse decision in my entire life.

For the next 3 years i have felt awful, horrible and so ridden with guilt and shame. I developed POCD and would try stay away from children because i hated what i have done.

I also have a girlfriend and i haven't told her because im scared of her leaving me.

What should i do? Am i pedophile? should i tell my girlfriend?

I hate myself.
 
Throwaway18 said:
I am 18 now and being activley going in and out of nofap since i was 13.

I lost my orgasm at young age from death grip that bad i can't even get it from myself anymore.

Starting at about 13-14 i was looking at loli and material like that.
I even searched pics and vids of teens (same age as me) because it was the only taboo that wouldn't affect me (same age).

When i was 15, i was doing nofap in hopes to correct my hormones and brain from porn addiction but i accidently came across a video on a top 10 list for weird videos:

It was a bunch of schoolchildren (younger than 12) doing really sexual dances (clothed) and rubbing themselves against each other. (this was youtube-safe)

I looked at it and i wondered if it would make me orgasm as i was depserate for a feeling and it reminded me when i was 10 when i could orgasm so i fapped and it was the worse decision in my entire life.

For the next 3 years i have felt awful, horrible and so ridden with guilt and shame. I developed POCD and would try stay away from children because i hated what i have done.

I also have a girlfriend and i haven't told her because im scared of her leaving me.

What should i do? Am i pedophile? should i tell my girlfriend?

I hate myself.
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no don't claim that trash.. you didn't know any better your better than this and once you obstain from Porn And Masturbation you'll see.. your girlfriend will be your everything you need sexually from her lips her eyes neck to her breast to her stomach to her butt and I'm pretty sure her pussy is nice and kissable, oh(trigger warning btw) but what I'm trying to say if you have a gf that you can appreciate right in front of you no porn needed... you can change, you will change and you don't need that stuff anymore.. look into semen retention and kareeza also your lady will appreciate it it makes sex 10x better especially after 2weeks 30day pmo
 
@Throwaway18 - the first step to recovery and change is admission, and recognising there is something you need to change. Don't be afraid to seek proper, professional help from a counsellor - you are still a young person and still developing your identity so it's a good time to eradicate this desires and urges. Whilst I don't share them - I have my own fetishes and obsessions that most would consider extreme. Talking about them and understanding why they are unhealthy for you (and for society as a whole) are really important.

To tell your girlfriend, firstly consider her point of view, and the strength of your relationship. Perhaps there are other people (like prof counsellor) that you can talk to first in a more anonymous and structured way?

Hope this helps you make the right choices!
 
I doubt you are exclusively attracted to pre-teen girls since you have a girlfriend. Just only go after 18+ women. I doubt you have kids so it is easy to avoid areas where there are children. Just stop watching porn and masturbating. If you do end up at the point where you are about to look up kid porn if need be masturbate thinking of you girlfriend. I know that is controversial on this site but this is really only a short term temporary solution for I am afraid continuing this could lead to illegal behavior.

That being said I wouldn't beat yourself up over this. I also wouldn't tell your girlfriend. The thing is is that if she overreacts and starts telling people you may be ostracized in your social groups. It is also unnecessary especially if you decide to never watch this stuff again. Just tell her you have a porn addiction and don't specify further. Good luck with everything.
 
If it was once it is not a problem.
Don't dwell on it.
Don't try to forget it.
Fill your mind with peace and love and anything that is unrelated will eventually fade away.
Repeat over and over : god fill my heart with peace and love.
If u don't believe in god say : my heart and my whole being is full of peace and love.

Do it for months and even years.
Any positive changes related to the brain takes time and persistent.

Keep going.
You are not toxic. The world we live in is.
 
TimeToQuitNow said:
I doubt you are exclusively attracted to pre-teen girls since you have a girlfriend. Just only go after 18+ women. I doubt you have kids so it is easy to avoid areas where there are children. Just stop watching porn and masturbating. If you do end up at the point where you are about to look up kid porn if need be masturbate thinking of you girlfriend. I know that is controversial on this site but this is really only a short term temporary solution for I am afraid continuing this could lead to illegal behavior.

That being said I wouldn't beat yourself up over this. I also wouldn't tell your girlfriend. The thing is is that if she overreacts and starts telling people you may be ostracized in your social groups. It is also unnecessary especially if you decide to never watch this stuff again. Just tell her you have a porn addiction and don't specify further. Good luck with everything.
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I don't think he should masturbate at all the point is self control smh... just be patient and wait for your girlfriend to have sex with and if she's on her period good more time to wait and get her a more satisfying experience.. the more you wait the more sensitive you are some may cum quicker because of this which is fine because it won't take you long to receive another erection and sometimes you won't even lose it after orgasm while on NoFap.. please refrain from flapping in general and fight all urges to do so it'll really pay off in the long run just get a different hobby, read others success storys and look into being a better love maker for your lady and appreciate her
 
Icouldprobablyhelp said:
I don't think he should masturbate at all the point is self control smh... just be patient and wait for your girlfriend to have sex with and if she's on her period good more time to wait and get her a more satisfying experience.. the more you wait the more sensitive you are some may cum quicker because of this which is fine because it won't take you long to receive another erection and sometimes you won't even lose it after orgasm while on NoFap.. please refrain from flapping in general and fight all urges to do so it'll really pay off in the long run just get a different hobby, read others success storys and look into being a better love maker for your lady and appreciate her
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As a general rule I agree. If he is able to do that then yea it is best to refrain. I was saying that only cause I felt like with children involved if masturbation might lead to less harm then I'm for it. I don't really get the rest of the post though to be honest.
 
Hey Throwaway18,

You have a classic case of OCD. You are not a paedophile.

I think you'd really benefit from reading this article on 'Real Event' OCD at...

This is a really important part of OCD that isn't spoken much about so let it reassure you, then think about getting professional help (they won't misunderstand you and if they do, they're a crappy therapist lol) and think about opening up to someone about this in a safer space and exploring it before putting it on the internet for all to see as people who, by no fault of their own, don't know about OCD might misinterpret what you're going through.

OCD is a fucking bitch. I still struggle with it. But yeah, read that article ASAP and then take a deep breath, and think about how you can tackle this in a safe and structured way instead of posting it on a forum which doesn't specialise in OCD.

Good luck.

P.S This is my first post so I wasn't able to link the article. Search it up, it will come up. Just searching up 'Real Event' OCD should bring up some stuff that articulates what you're going through :)
 
You’re the same age as me and can’t be any worse. Its happened to me twice where I’ve accidentally found legit cp on regular porn sites. The second time is when I actually clicked on it and started sliding down that hole before I realized I needed to quit porn entirely. For me I don’t think it’s something I would ever consider in real life and you’re probably the same way. I’m so desensitized i wanted something new and Now I realize I need out entirely. This post probably helps me more than you but at least realize you aren’t alone.
 
Hello @Throwaway18

I do not have a specific yes or no answer to your question. What I can say is you made a choice and now see you made a bad choice. You seem to not want to continue down that path. This sounds to me like a person looking to better their own life and is something to be respected. Personally, I would not tell your girlfriend yet. Spend more time to process what you did in the past and learn to forgive your self.
 
NeoClassicalPillock said:
Hey Throwaway18,

You have a classic case of OCD. You are not a paedophile.

I think you'd really benefit from reading this article on 'Real Event' OCD at...

This is a really important part of OCD that isn't spoken much about so let it reassure you, then think about getting professional help (they won't misunderstand you and if they do, they're a crappy therapist lol) and think about opening up to someone about this in a safer space and exploring it before putting it on the internet for all to see as people who, by no fault of their own, don't know about OCD might misinterpret what you're going through.

OCD is a fucking bitch. I still struggle with it. But yeah, read that article ASAP and then take a deep breath, and think about how you can tackle this in a safe and structured way instead of posting it on a forum which doesn't specialise in OCD.

Good luck.

P.S This is my first post so I wasn't able to link the article. Search it up, it will come up. Just searching up 'Real Event' OCD should bring up some stuff that articulates what you're going through :)
Click to expand...


After reading up about real event OCD it shocked me, i seem to have textbook signs. Unfortuantly i still have the guilt, it strikes me randomly like a knife and makes me feel like one of the worse people in the world. I want to open up to people about it but i can't, i just can't forgive myself enough. I really wish one day i'll get through this but the main issue is that i haven't still mentioned it to my gf of a year so far. I really do love her and i just keep having paranoid thoughts of her leaving me.
 
I still do look at loli/cub material but i try to do mental acrobatics to try and forgive myself such as purposely drinking and/or weed so then i can excuse myself otherwise
 
Good news = it does not sound like you are a pedophile. You actively pursue a girl your own age, and have an interest in this underage stuff that is very likely sparked from media.

One of the strangest things about porn use, is that we bond with whatever we see when we're in the state of arousal. Rats can be conditioned to be attracted to deceased rates, for instance. It is no wonder then, that something like underage material, or just a weird fetish can be interesting to us when we have years of conditioning to 'normal' media and get bored.

I would encourage you to really go a bit easier on yourself. Yes you may feel like this now. But think of it this way, the fact you feel like shit for these actions means deep down you have strong morals and want the best for you and those in your life. It feels bad because you want it to be better. Don't get stuck thinking this is all there is, you are 18 and have a lot of time to create the life you want man!

Finally, I would like to leave you with this video. It's so easy to come to emotional conclusions with this subject. This video is the complete opposite. Hopefully it brings you some peace of mind and concepts to think about!

Pedophilia - Teal Swan Articles - Teal Swan
 
Throwaway18 said:
I still do look at loli/cub material but i try to do mental acrobatics to try and forgive myself such as purposely drinking and/or weed so then i can excuse myself otherwise
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If you could have sex with an underage girl with complete guarantee of not getting caught and nobody knowing, would you do so? If so, then you are a pedophile, if not, then I'd say you aren't.
 
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