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Please help me I'm addicted to findom

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Wayne_Kerr, Aug 31, 2021.

  1. Wayne_Kerr

    Wayne_Kerr Fapstronaut

    Guys please help me. I'm feeling so fucking lost and shit and like I have no one to talk to about this.

    Most of you probably won't understand findom, it feels like a whole new level of addiction. My porn addiction unfortunately led me to findom a few years ago and no matter what I do I literally can't seem to fucking stop it. I've never actually understood what real addiction is before this. It doesn't seem to matter what I do or try I just can't fucking stop it and it's ruining my life.

    Over the past week I sent a few girls around $2000 then over the course of the day I sent just one girl $1000 today.

    I feel trapped, I feel lost, I honestly am close to giving up with even trying to quit, it feels impossible. I actually stopped for about 2 months before this but as usual I eventually relapsed again.

    This addiction feels like a darkness in me that slowly consumes me and changes me as person and I hate it.

    Sorry, I'm not really even asking anything, I'm just venting. If anyone on here has actually managed to get rid of this disgusting addiction please give me some pointers because after years of trying I'm realising I can't do this alone.

    I'm at the point where I'll lose everything I care about in my life but I still relapse when I get horny. Tempted to get my balls removed so I have no libido. I fucking hate porn, I hate findom and I hate how apparently weak I am.

    Sorry for the rant again, I just don't know what to do anymore :(

    **New update at the end of thread**

    Feb 2022 update/log - https://forum.nofap.com/index.php?threads/a-findom-addicts-recovery-log.326252/
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2022
    WaterNewt, 88991s, Admonius and 2 others like this.
  2. jcl1990

    jcl1990 Fapstronaut

    Well first of all, if you are going to give that much money to a woman, at least go buy a real hooker or escort. At least make it worth it.

    but more seriously, if you really want to stop this, read some holy books - the Bible, Buddhist teachings, or any other religion

    Or go get some therapy if you want.

    I’ve gotten into some weird fetishes before in porn. The only thing is I don’t like spending money, so never really was tempted to give money to some chick online
  3. HelperX

    HelperX Fapstronaut

    Damn, porn is evil man. How can you be addicted into giving money to girls? Fuck this bullshit man, porn destroying many lives out there.
    I don't know how I can help you..
    wei66 likes this.
  4. Here's something to think about.

    What would your mom say if she was sitting next to you while this was happening? How would she feel about it? Would it bring her to tears? Could you look her in the eyes afterward?

    Take 10 minutes and really (and I mean really) visualize this scenario.

    Sorry for the tough love bro, but you need a shock to bring you back to life.
    Admonius and HelperX like this.
  5. ermia

    ermia Fapstronaut

    I think you can like many people in here.
    you must be get help from God.
    I hope you success.
    DukeNukem and rubiksnerd45 like this.
  6. Quezatolah

    Quezatolah Fapstronaut

    Take a break from the internet, all of it for 1 day, cut out your internet connection, buy some books, go for walks, train, hit the gym, get new hobbies.

    Fill up your day, and if you feel good from that pick a day in the week where you go no internet whatsoever, then once you've done that, cut out all social media.

    If you get the urge, still watch porn, don't hold yourself back, take the money you need to get through the month, put the rest in a special savings account where access is not easy, that way if you spend the money you have, you're going to be in trouble.

    Also, for porn I wouldn't say this but for your findom addiction, tell it to someone in your life you trust to be held accountable in times of weakness, or if you can't do that, seek professional help.
    takeaction21, minitasks and HelperX like this.
  7. Put your pc in the trashcan. Get a flip phone. DISCONNECT or get ruined...
    wei66 and Psalm27:1my light like this.
  8. Sargiel

    Sargiel Fapstronaut

    I can sympathise as I have a similar problem. Try to consider what it is you're running from and why you need that kind of validation. If you can identify the problem and what the underlying stressor is you can work to alleviate.. Or at least try to replace the spending on findom with spending on you and your family rather than someone who doesn't give a *** about you. Remember you don't have a meaningful relationship with them in ANY way.. no matter what you tell yourself. You're just an idiot/tool in their eyes.. because you're behaving like one.

    Edit: Also just noticed your username.. even here you're insulting yourself. Stop that - it's another route to take you back to findom/humiliation etc.

    Edit2: What was different about the 2 months you managed to stop? What was different? How were you spending your time?
    Reborn16 and Psalm27:1my light like this.
  9. g2stop

    g2stop Fapstronaut

    @Wayne_Kerr we are here for you brother, when ever you feel an urge come here and find peace. Read through the forum, it always helps me. It is always good to know you are not alone, we are all struggling, but more than that, we are all here to support you
    HelperX likes this.
  10. skaterdrew

    skaterdrew Fapstronaut

    Could you not get your card frozen from making purchases online through your bank? I know some banks do this. Or get a card where you simply can't purchase things online, and you can only use it at cash lines?

    Or what about using certain blockers that restrict you from being able to access these sites, apps that allow you to make these payments?

    Your situation does sound quite serious, it sounds serious enough that you should be at the stage you're willing to live with quite extreme inconvenient restrictions.
    trylifeagain and HelperX like this.
  11. Reborn16

    Reborn16 Fapstronaut

    I've been in a similar situation with findom, here's what I've found changed it for me.

    I started on my NoFap journey just over 5 years ago, and I remember my initial thinking was "I'll quit porn, but keep my fetishes - because they're fun." This included femdom and findom, among others...

    However, what I found after enough attempts, and after trying to fix things in other areas of my life, is that many of the things I used to obsess about were becoming less interesting!

    *Trigger warning - recent findom experience - but it was a lesson to learn from*

    I'm a few months into a good reboot. However, just a few weeks ago in a moment of weakness, I contacted a woman with a personal ad and offered to buy her things at the shops. We met in person, I bought her some things, and it had to be the biggest waste of money this year!

    My point is, that kind of scenario used to be what I would dream of.

    The lack of social anxiety and mixed emotions during my reboot propelled me out there to try it. I actually wanted to cancel but then thought bad about leading her on (it was arranged over a week of messages.)

    Anyways. I now know that this fetish for me is almost gone.

    I could see through the acting. She didn't care about me at all. And I was honestly pretty bored myself, which I think she picked up on, asking "are you sure you're into this..."

    TL;DR You're not alone, but a fetish that's not deep down genuinely interesting to you, will become increasingly obvious with a good break from PMO.
    88991s and HelperX like this.
  12. Yellowbrain

    Yellowbrain Fapstronaut

  13. Yellowbrain

    Yellowbrain Fapstronaut

    Hey Wayne,

    I've been dealing with findom for years, so I feel your pain. It really is different from regular porn addiction, so don't be surprised if people here don't entirely understand what you're going through. Findom is unique in that you're dealing with a person (a findom) who profits from your self-hatred; someone who is attempting to condition you to get off on destroying yourself. Under normal conditions, you would hate someone like this. Notice exactly what you are doing. You're paying someone for the rush of feeling powerless. The irony is, that it's really a rush from how much power you have over them.. They have no power except what you give them. A findom is a cross between a beggar and a prostitute. Nothing more.

    Your post is full of desperation and self-loathing. The first thing I advise you to do is you show yourself some measure of compassion. The way you would a friend. This isn't some airy-fairy, self-help bullshit. Your survival depends on it! Self-hatred is the main fuel for any addiction, none more than findom. Findoms know this, which why there is no aftercare with findom like there is with other fetishes.

    Pay attention to when feel the need to use. For me, it's when I'm feeling bad about myself and my life, or when things have gotten so overwhelming that I want to erase myself. I've heard it said that the best way to overcome an addiction is have a great life. Find something your passionate about.

    In the end, you lost some money. You'll make it back. You'll get your life back. Take a deep breathe and keep moving.

    Good luck!
    Arisa, 88991s, Admonius and 1 other person like this.
  14. Ghost79

    Ghost79 Fapstronaut

    Can someone explain me what findom is?
  15. Yellowbrain

    Yellowbrain Fapstronaut

    Warning: possible triggers

    Findom is short for either, “financial domination,” or, “financial dominatrix.” It’s a fetish where a sub ( often referred to as a a paypig or finsub) eroticizes being financially exploited by a findom. Findom’s refer to themselves as Goddesses, mistresses, or in the case of younger women, princesses. Usually there is no sex involved. The women, if seen at all, are clothed. Most often they verbally berate the sub. Although the thought of giving away your hard earned money to some abusive stranger may seem absurd (and it is), it’s a highly addictive and destructive fetish. To get the same rush, the sub must increase the amount of tributes. This fetish destroys lives, marriages…it’s really messed up. There’s even a subcategory called home wrecking! I had a findom try to get me to leave my wife. I’ve talked to finsubs who spent over $100,000 in a year. Thankfully, I never got to this point.
    88991s, Admonius and (deleted member) like this.
  16. Admonius

    Admonius Fapstronaut

    I battled and won my internal war with findom and it was a tough one. If I had to estimate how much I spent, I would say it’s in the high five figure range. I found it was a very weird combination of arousal and shame where I managed to link the two together. The messages these so called dommes are putting out mirrored my own views of myself and how I spoke to and thought of myself. I had my own issues where my mum was emotionally absent and nothing I could do could get her attention so paying money to a “domme” to pay attention or to get attention made sense as I possessed neither the cognition nor the awareness around it. I know for me there is still an arousing factor to it. These “dommes” are more like conmen and thieves. Take away what they are doing and they have worse self esteem than us.

    My advice is to find a therapist who can work with you. If faith based help is your thing, then go for it. Delete the social media platforms where you engage. Find a few quit findom pages on Twitter and follow them. Turn your phone off for a while. Shame will keep you going back.

    Never stop fighting.
  17. Be.Well

    Be.Well New Fapstronaut

    i'm a fellow findom-addict and i just wanted to thank you for this post. especially your last sentence gave me a sense of hope.
    88991s and CaptainStrat like this.
  18. Be.Well

    Be.Well New Fapstronaut

    hey wanyne!
    i'm in a similar spot to yours as i'm also addicted to findom and often hate myself for it.
    i also lost a lot of money and am starting to get into real financial troubles.
    would you be interested in going through this thing together with someone? cause i'm searching for some kind of group or so.
    88991s likes this.
  19. Wayne_Kerr

    Wayne_Kerr Fapstronaut

    Thanks for all the replies, guys, I really appreciate it. Sadly, I did relapse again and I sent a few more thousand to various women online. Porn really messes you up. After a new low, I've actually not relapsed or PMOD for 20days.

    Porn is so disgusting and I'm ashamed to admit this but what pushed me into this break is a "domme" someone who was taking money from me kept wanting to degrade me, make me feel like nothing, the usual "domme" stuff but this one really got off on making me feel lousy while making me send money. It got to the point she wanted me to film myself, and I kid you not, she wanted me to film myself eating some of her shit. She even got to sending it to me and then it was like all of a sudden I was drawn out of the trance and realised how pathetic and messed up my porn addiction had made me.

    I know it's messed up :( .. I just want to be normal.
    Be.Well and wicket like this.
  20. wicket

    wicket Fapstronaut

    Dang never heard of that good way to end up under a bridge best of luck

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