Please help me Im spiralling downwards

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Wonderful-Truth-, Feb 10, 2021.

  1. Wonderful-Truth-

    Wonderful-Truth- New Fapstronaut

    (Bit dramatic) Sorry if about the length and that this reads a bit loose and fragmented, I cant think straight anymore.

    Ive been 'doing' Nofap since around December 2018 since then I've managed to break a daily pmo habit and had streaks lasting a few weeks to 30-45 days however at the start of November 2020 (same time I caught Covid and felt awful for about a week) I binge relapsed for the first time after a 45 day streak and since then I haven't felt the same, I haven't acted the same and I haven't maintained a streak longer than 2 weeks and when I would relapse I would binge for hours. Ive felt more suicidal and think about and plan my own suicide most days, I've become very paranoid about everything.

    My social situation hasn't helped either, thankfully I started university (College for American readers) in late September which Im very grateful for as this definitely helped me recover and make progress because of the social interaction but since covid has caused another lockdown in the UK I'm stuck at home (cant go back to uni until May either), I don't talk or message anyone anymore because I don't have anything to talk about and I feel like I have no friends and that my family don't really like me. All that's happened is my binging has gotten worse, I'm fantasising more, my thoughts have become darker and I cant stand it anymore.

    Ive tried everything, meditation, daily exercise, I go on loads of walks, No-arousal method. I don't play video games, intermittent fasting, my diet has no junk food, I make sure I don't watch films or YouTube vids with potential triggering content. This all worked for me back in the summer when I would consistently have 30 day streaks but then mess up but now I cant make It past 5 days. Only thing I can think of that I haven't tried is journaling.

    Also I used to be able to exercise consistently across the week, mostly twice a day but now I feel tired, demotivated to exercise and probably managed to exercise about 3 times a week, this has definitely affected relapsing and stuff.

    Anyone have any advice because I feel like i'm nearing the end (bit dramatic but yea) and that Im about to give up for good.
  2. I don't know if this might help, but during my covid-19 sickness, I was feeling extremely awful too and got so depressed in my isolation that I'd feel these days were never going to pass, I was relapsing constantly even though I was feverish and fatigued, I was unable to study the materials I was taking, although I could have studied. All sort of negative thoughts were popping up in my head and I felt like a load of crap. Nevertheless, It's important to realize that these days are going to pass eventually. What matters most is how well you were able to stay calm and maintain an inner peace.

    Realize that you are not alone in this man, most of us here are facing a multitude of life's hardships and stress every day in our lives, I highly encourage you to put your mental health above everything during this stage. Seek some help If you can, if not try to spend time reading a book if you have the mental capacity to or play a game you like, talk to your family and understand their views and try to strengthen your relationship with them, or reach up to an old friend and remember good memories. Sometimes when life beats us so bad we forget the ways we used to have fun.

    Relapses are greatly understandable during tough times in our lives, I mean we used porn and masturbation as a way of escaping reality for many years and we got addicted to it. So don't beat yourself up but rather find ways of avoiding further relapses, put a scheme and plan on what will you do if an urge hit you, meditate and have some spiritual time in your day, (if you are religious then pray to god and ask him to ease things up and help you overcome the sadness and difficulty, if not then think more about your grand purpose in life and what might provide true meaning).

    I hope you find the tranquility that you deserve and the love you need and the success you aspire and fast recovery from covid-19.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 10, 2021
  3. TowardLight

    TowardLight Fapstronaut

    First off, can you recall why those 30-45 day streaks ended? Was it because you never intended to quit altogether or because you were going through a hard time or a trigger gave you urges that were too strong? It's important to learn from what has and hasn't worked before; at least you've had plenty of good streaks of no PMO and know how to do it, and it seems as if you have loads of great habits. Maybe in that area I'd pick 3-4 habits that you think suit you best and concentrate on those.

    Other than that I would say do as much research as possible, the best place to start being '', to learn about what you're going through and experiencing on a daily basis. I've found that being able to deconstruct and rationalise the processes taking place in my brain when I feel an urge has helped me in fending them off. Similar to yourself I've had previous NoFap streaks before (30 days and 60 days) but I did both of those pretty much solely on willpower because I had binged to the point that I felt like shit and had to stop. I failed because I didn't understand what the recovery process looked like, what to expect and how to deal with it.

    Ultimately you need to have hope. Trust that going through the pain of cutting off something you found escape and comfort in for so long will be worth it. And it will be; the comfort and pleasure from porn is false and depreciating, it will force you further into the hole in which you find yourself. But all the damage it has caused is reversible - if you stop watching. There is hope, stay strong.
  4. palindromo

    palindromo Fapstronaut

    Since you have suicidal thoughts you should seek professional help, stop trying to fight it all alone

    Many problems come from a bad emotional management.
    Porn is the last resort to have pleasure and also to hurt yourself.

    I suggest you stop fighting '' porn '' itself for now , focus on your mood and thoughts. Porn is the consequence of a mental relapse.

    Also try more and more porn blockers
    Last edited: Feb 10, 2021
    alcran4762 likes this.
  5. Depression may be the primary problem aggravated by acting out. Suggest look at C.A.L.M. website and realise that you and your life matter.
  6. SuperBaowi

    SuperBaowi Fapstronaut

    Hey man thanks for sharing.
    first of all this pandemic is really a progress killer and I think each one of us suffered from it so remember your not alone at this.
    I think that all those strategies and activities are great for the long term of the goal, mostly to keep you busy. But unfortunately I didn't find anything else but self discipline in those short term moments when you are all alone and the urge hit you and you can't think of nothing else. These are the moments of true self improvement. Rage against it, scream, tell your brain that you don't care; "you can kill me if you want and hurt me as bad as you want but I do not PMO". as they say: "The things you do when no one is looking are the things that define you".

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