Please help me

[thezombiehorse]

I'm posting this as a plea for help and advice.

I have been with my boyfriend for six years, I love him, I want to marry him. We are perfect for each other. The only issue is sex.
We struggled in the first few years of our relationship with sex (he never wanted it), and after we broke-up and got back together, he admitted that this was due to a porn addiction.

He said that when we first met, he had decided to overcome this, and so he never actually used or viewed porn when we were in a relationship, but was still in recovery when we met. This was 2-3 years on from when we first met, so it had been 2-3 years since he'd given it up.

Since then, we have still struggled. He has absolutely no Libido whatsoever, when we do have sex, increasingly so, it takes him a very long time to actually ejaculate, and sometimes he cant at all. He has no interest- none at all. I feel unwanted and disguisting. He assures me (and I trust him) that its got nothing to do with his attraction to me, and from little things he does (he's very intimate in other ways like touching me, slapping my bum and kissing me) I trust this.
The problem has also been an issue with sex, because even when we do manage, it seems like he's literally just in it to finish it. I don't feel like he has much interest in 'me' and sorting me out at all, it feels like it's a chore. These things all make me feel unwanted, and I feel self concious that i'm always the one initiating it.

I trust him more than anything, and we are together so much that I am absolutely 100% sure he has not relapsed. However his interest and sexual issues have not gotten better, and show no signs of improving, and it's been 6 years since he gave up porn.

I would almost say things are actually getting worse. When we didn't see each other for a while usually we would have quite good sex on seeing each other again. Now, it doesn't matter how long its been in between or if he hasn't seen me - he just never wants it. He randomly initiates it sometimes, but I feel like even then its not really genuine and mostly just to make me happy. When it takes him almost 40 mins to ejaculate it just makes me feel like Im not good enough. I can never perform anything on him either, i don't touch him or give him blowjobs because it doesn't really seem like he's interested or i can make him happy.

I really don't want to give up on him because I love him more than anything. He has gone to the doctors to check hormonal things (all clear) he has tried really clearing up and upping his exercise and diet (over 2 months, with absolutely no changes) and he never masturbates, watches porn, or engages in anything else sexual that may be impairing his progress.

what I've been struggling to find out from forums, is if this is natural and it will eventually get better. The success stories I have heard have usually said they give up porn and within months they are back to having really good sex lives and functional relationships. I don't understand how, six years on, my boyfriend still struggles with issues that are apparently curable with just giving up porn.

I don't want to sound like i'm belittling the process, I completely understand how difficult it is to overcome addiction. I'm just confused that other people have recovered so quickly and my own boyfriend is still struggling with the effects. if I had heard things about years to recovery then this would be different, but it seems that even those who have been addicted their entire lives have quickly gotten their lives back and regained natural/normal sex lives.

Will this ever get any better? will he ever regain his sex life? what can i do to help?

What I need to know is, should I prepare for this to be it for us. or, is it a possibility that he will completely recover.

Can porn addiction give long term effects that DON'T go away? is there a possibility he will get better, and how?

Please help me, I have gone through so many forums and so many interest searches to try and find out what is going on here.

I want to stay with my boyfriend forever, but sex is a large part of a relationship (for me personally) and the last few years of feeling rejected have had a huge effect on my life and self-esteem. Id really like to know if this is something that will get better, so I can continue to support and love him. Or if its something that will always be an issue, and a decision i have to make about our future.

Thank you so much in advance.

 

[thezombiehorse]

just to confirm, my boyfriend is 31. I'm not sure how many years he was addicted, but if this helps I can ask him.

 

[ss1111]

Hey, I’m sorry to hear you’re going through something like this. I myself have been a victim of porn addiction.

Just to understand this a little better, what exactly is the issue, delayed ejaculation, PIED, or the fact that he’s not able to make you feel wanted like you mentioned?

6 years of no pm and still not being able to have libido is a genuine issue, not gonna lie. Does he have urges to masturbate? Does he ever have any sort of a sex drive?

 

[thezombiehorse]

Hey, I’m sorry to hear you’re going through something like this. I myself have been a victim of porn addiction.

Just to understand this a little better, what exactly is the issue, delayed ejaculation, PIED, or the fact that he’s not able to make you feel wanted like you mentioned?

6 years of no pm and still not being able to have libido is a genuine issue, not gonna lie. Does he have urges to masturbate? Does he ever have any sort of a sex drive?

thank you so much for replying! the issue is the low libido (therefore not making me feel wanted). its also the delayed ejaculation, although, I wouldn't even care if it took him a long time to ejaculate if he was interested in sex. He occasionally does initiate sex, but its difficult to know if this is an actual urge or if he's doing it for me if that makes sense?

He doesn't seem to have any interest to have sex or masturbate, or anything sexual at all. we do have sex, and he does manage to ejaculate on a few occasions, however the issue is I know that he isn't interested in actual sex. Hes almost entirely Asexual and if we didn't ever have sex again then he wouldn't care. to put it bluntly, if i never initiated it, we would never have sex.

Do you think this is a personal thing, or something that still might be related to his past porn addiction?

 

[batman666]

He has been secretly watching porn, 100%. Sorry to break this to you.

 

[thezombiehorse]

He has been secretly watching porn, 100%. Sorry to break this to you.

I just don't know when or how. He's at work all day and then he's with me, he probably has one day alone every week and sometimes every two weeks..

do you think this is literally the only plausible thing it could be? or are you saying that it's so uncalled for that someone wouldn't have recovered by now?

 

[ss1111]

thank you so much for replying! the issue is the low libido (therefore not making me feel wanted). its also the delayed ejaculation, although, I wouldn't even care if it took him a long time to ejaculate if he was interested in sex. He occasionally does initiate sex, but its difficult to know if this is an actual urge or if he's doing it for me if that makes sense?

He doesn't seem to have any interest to have sex or masturbate, or anything sexual at all. we do have sex, and he does manage to ejaculate on a few occasions, however the issue is I know that he isn't interested in actual sex. Hes almost entirely Asexual and if we didn't ever have sex again then he wouldn't care. to put it bluntly, if i never initiated it, we would never have sex.

Do you think this is a personal thing, or something that still might be related to his past porn addiction?

I really don’t want to say this but it is possible that he’s just naturally the way he is. It’s probably not about you, it’s just probably that he’s not someone who has a very high sex drive. Is he attracted to other women? For instance...if you show him a picture of a super hot actress or woman does he feel excited like a normal guy does? Because if he doesn’t then it’s probably because he might be having a genuine libido issue or asexual if that’s the case. Feel free to dm me anytime, I’d love to help you out on this issue. No SO who is this understanding deserves to go through this.

 

[ss1111]

I just don't know when or how. He's at work all day and then he's with me, he probably has one day alone every week and sometimes every two weeks..

do you think this is literally the only plausible thing it could be? or are you saying that it's so uncalled for that someone wouldn't have recovered by now?

It could be that he’s watching porn but if you’re 100% sure he is not, then no libido for 6 years is not about recovering from porn addiction, a few months are enough and a year at tops. My personal opinion would also be visit a counsellor or a sex therapist for this.

 

[thezombiehorse]

It could be that he’s watching porn but if you’re 100% sure he is not, then no libido for 6 years is not about recovering from porn addiction, a few months are enough and a year at tops. My personal opinion would also be visit a counsellor or a sex therapist for this.

i really appreciate your kind words and advice, honestly at this point its just really nice to be able to have these discussions with someone. He didn't tell me for a long time because he felt a lot of shame around it, and so I've never told anyone, any friend or any family anything about it. Just to be able to get it out and have some responses has been really nice for me, so thank you.

I have considered this, its difficult because we haven't really talked about his past a lot, he doesn't have any interest in other women really and only seems to be interested in me (this is a positive in so many ways but also may mean a different issue) i think at this point the only real thing i can do is talk to him, find out if he has relapsed or if this is just him.. either way thank you so much for bothering to reply and actually discuss this with me, it means the world and it makes me feel less alone.

 

[newlife91]

I believe he has relapsed. Porn addiction is difficult and embarrassing. It makes you feel ashamed. I'm sure this is hard to be honest about. It was for me in my last relationship.

 

[ss1111]

i really appreciate your kind words and advice, honestly at this point its just really nice to be able to have these discussions with someone. He didn't tell me for a long time because he felt a lot of shame around it, and so I've never told anyone, any friend or any family anything about it. Just to be able to get it out and have some responses has been really nice for me, so thank you.

I have considered this, its difficult because we haven't really talked about his past a lot, he doesn't have any interest in other women really and only seems to be interested in me (this is a positive in so many ways but also may mean a different issue) i think at this point the only real thing i can do is talk to him, find out if he has relapsed or if this is just him.. either way thank you so much for bothering to reply and actually discuss this with me, it means the world and it makes me feel less alone.

We’re all like a family here. I myself realised that when I joined. Everyone looks out for each other we are all in this together. You are always welcome to talk whatever you want on this forum no one is judging we’re all as one here and are only here to help each other.
In any case, I think the best thing would be to speak to him one on one, a nice honest conversation between the two of yall how you both feel about this issue. As people are saying that he has relapsed, it could be a possibility. Talk to him and make him feel comfortable about it. I’m sure he’ll come through.
And once again, no need to thank we are all a family here. Please feel free to talk anytime!

 

[Mistersofty]

So basically, you guys never had much sexual chemistry right from the get go? How did you meet and end up in a relationship together if you don’t mind my asking?

 

[Pegasys]

So basically, you guys never had much sexual chemistry right from the get go? How did you meet and end up in a relationship together if you don’t mind my asking?

Is that a bad thing though? Should a healthy relationship be founded upon that kind of chemistry to stand the test of time? Would there be one in the first place without it though maybe it's just like a natural magnetic force that keeps the species procreating?

 

[Mistersofty]

Is that a bad thing though? Should a healthy relationship be founded upon that kind of chemistry to stand the test of time? Would there be one in the first place without it though maybe it's just like a natural magnetic force that keeps the species procreating?

What’s your idea of a healthy relationship?

 

[rob13_]

i really appreciate your kind words and advice, honestly at this point its just really nice to be able to have these discussions with someone. He didn't tell me for a long time because he felt a lot of shame around it, and so I've never told anyone, any friend or any family anything about it. Just to be able to get it out and have some responses has been really nice for me, so thank you.

I have considered this, its difficult because we haven't really talked about his past a lot, he doesn't have any interest in other women really and only seems to be interested in me (this is a positive in so many ways but also may mean a different issue) i think at this point the only real thing i can do is talk to him, find out if he has relapsed or if this is just him.. either way thank you so much for bothering to reply and actually discuss this with me, it means the world and it makes me feel less alone.

Could just be asexual, and not have a strong sex drive like many other people. U say it's not a medical issue, nor it's not excessively jacking off. Might just be the way they are

 

[JoeinUSA]

I'm posting this as a plea for help and advice.

I have been with my boyfriend for six years, I love him, I want to marry him. We are perfect for each other. The only issue is sex.
We struggled in the first few years of our relationship with sex (he never wanted it), and after we broke-up and got back together, he admitted that this was due to a porn addiction.

He said that when we first met, he had decided to overcome this, and so he never actually used or viewed porn when we were in a relationship, but was still in recovery when we met. This was 2-3 years on from when we first met, so it had been 2-3 years since he'd given it up.

Since then, we have still struggled. He has absolutely no Libido whatsoever, when we do have sex, increasingly so, it takes him a very long time to actually ejaculate, and sometimes he cant at all. He has no interest- none at all. I feel unwanted and disguisting. He assures me (and I trust him) that its got nothing to do with his attraction to me, and from little things he does (he's very intimate in other ways like touching me, slapping my bum and kissing me) I trust this.
The problem has also been an issue with sex, because even when we do manage, it seems like he's literally just in it to finish it. I don't feel like he has much interest in 'me' and sorting me out at all, it feels like it's a chore. These things all make me feel unwanted, and I feel self concious that i'm always the one initiating it.

I trust him more than anything, and we are together so much that I am absolutely 100% sure he has not relapsed. However his interest and sexual issues have not gotten better, and show no signs of improving, and it's been 6 years since he gave up porn.

I would almost say things are actually getting worse. When we didn't see each other for a while usually we would have quite good sex on seeing each other again. Now, it doesn't matter how long its been in between or if he hasn't seen me - he just never wants it. He randomly initiates it sometimes, but I feel like even then its not really genuine and mostly just to make me happy. When it takes him almost 40 mins to ejaculate it just makes me feel like Im not good enough. I can never perform anything on him either, i don't touch him or give him blowjobs because it doesn't really seem like he's interested or i can make him happy.

I really don't want to give up on him because I love him more than anything. He has gone to the doctors to check hormonal things (all clear) he has tried really clearing up and upping his exercise and diet (over 2 months, with absolutely no changes) and he never masturbates, watches porn, or engages in anything else sexual that may be impairing his progress.

what I've been struggling to find out from forums, is if this is natural and it will eventually get better. The success stories I have heard have usually said they give up porn and within months they are back to having really good sex lives and functional relationships. I don't understand how, six years on, my boyfriend still struggles with issues that are apparently curable with just giving up porn.

I don't want to sound like i'm belittling the process, I completely understand how difficult it is to overcome addiction. I'm just confused that other people have recovered so quickly and my own boyfriend is still struggling with the effects. if I had heard things about years to recovery then this would be different, but it seems that even those who have been addicted their entire lives have quickly gotten their lives back and regained natural/normal sex lives.

Will this ever get any better? will he ever regain his sex life? what can i do to help?

What I need to know is, should I prepare for this to be it for us. or, is it a possibility that he will completely recover.

Can porn addiction give long term effects that DON'T go away? is there a possibility he will get better, and how?

Please help me, I have gone through so many forums and so many interest searches to try and find out what is going on here.

I want to stay with my boyfriend forever, but sex is a large part of a relationship (for me personally) and the last few years of feeling rejected have had a huge effect on my life and self-esteem. Id really like to know if this is something that will get better, so I can continue to support and love him. Or if its something that will always be an issue, and a decision i have to make about our future.

Thank you so much in advance.

As you describe the situation and more so about yourself, I don't think you'll ever be happy in this relationship. And, I'm not telling you anything you don't already know deep down. If you proceed further, you do so knowing this.

.

 

[recovery9]

If you discover other means of regulating your self-esteem besides your boyfriend's sexual desire for you, the relationship can work regardless of his issues. If you cannot, then I can't see the relationship being a happy one.

With respect to how long it has been, I have a very difficult time believing that he has been abstaining from porn for years and not had any progress. But I don't know. Individual therapy would likely be very beneficial for both of you, for you to solve your self-esteem issues and for him to solve his sexual issues. Couples therapy would be of benefit as well. It all depends on how much you each want to fight for your relationship because it will be in jeopardy if you don't.

 

[batman666]

I’m just going by my own experience here. I had the same. I lived with my girlfriend and was with her all the time, but I still managed to find ways to watch P and lie about it. In the bathroom, shower, ‘doing work’ in the bedroom/living room. Even when we’re in the same room I would watch it.
If he had given up P completely he would not be like this at all. It sucks but he will still be watching it. Maybe talk with him? I know it will be hard to admit. It’s the hardest thing to break, P addiction is harder to kick than heroin apparently!
Good luck! hope all goes well

I just don't know when or how. He's at work all day and then he's with me, he probably has one day alone every week and sometimes every two weeks..

do you think this is literally the only plausible thing it could be? or are you saying that it's so uncalled for that someone wouldn't have recovered by now?

 

[thezombiehorse]

I believe he has relapsed. Porn addiction is difficult and embarrassing. It makes you feel ashamed. I'm sure this is hard to be honest about. It was for me in my last relationship.

I talked about this with him last night and he assured me (even promised me) that its simply not a factor anymore with him and he believes that porn is no longer an issue.. its difficult because I know he may be lying to me about it, and hearing that you had this in a relationship does worry me that hes just not being honest..

 

[thezombiehorse]

So basically, you guys never had much sexual chemistry right from the get go? How did you meet and end up in a relationship together if you don’t mind my asking?

we did in the first year, and as i explained, apart from actual sex, we are very intimate and comfortable around each other. We have sexual chemistry, just not a lot of sex if that makes sense?.. i don't think id be putting this much effort or caring this much about something if we were essentially platonic friends and had absolutely no chemistry.