Please Help

I haven't looked too hard into it, but everything I've come across is too easy to break to be of any real use. A lot of stuff you can still just go into incognito mode and do your thing. Maybe someone else knows better than I do.

We're all broken, Keki - it's only through God's grace that we can be made whole. When I'm done writing this, I'll kneel and pray for you and the others (including myself) on this forum, that God can give us power through the Holy Spirit to grasp how great He is. It's only by dwelling in the love of Christ that we can overcome the flesh.

In Ephesians 1 Paul tells us that the same power God used to put Christ far above the world He can put towards us. It's one thing to hear it and another to know it, to grasp it in our heart. Paul prayed that through the Spirit we may do so, and so will I pray for you and you can pray that prayer for yourself.

 

Sorry Keki- I responded as if it was you that had the addiction.

I just did a little research and found that something called K9 web protection is a free option that might work in various private modes.

I know there's also accountability software that sends you his browser history. There's a few, and they all seem to charge a monthly rate. I don't know how effective they are, and I don't really know which one to recommend.

You might want to head over to the forum section titled "rebooting in a relationship", there's a section there for partner support. It is more active than this part of the forum, and the people there probably have experience with this kind of thing.

I will still pray for you and your husband. I am married and have this addiction, and I can tell you that although I am otherwise a very honest person, this is one thing I will lie about to my wife and hide. I don't think there's anything that could be installed on my computer that I couldn't work around. You may be facing a tough battle, but I believe it can be won with a combination of prayer and effort. James tells us that trials like these test our faith, and you're both being tested. I will pray for your perseverance.

 

I'm not really qualified to tell you whether or not you should stay with your husband. It sounds as though he is doing the wrong thing, and it sounds as though he is not worthy of your trust. However, like you, I believe that Christians should do whatever they can to maintain their marriage. Do you go to a church? Can you speak to your pastor about it?

My wife and I have been together for a long time, but to be honest she does not know the extent of my pornography usage. She is far from perfect herself, however, so it isn't entirely one sided in our case. That being said, I don't use that as an excuse anymore, and for the past years since I became a Christian I have not looked at pornography very often, and many would probably not consider me an addict. I go weeks and months without, although it is my goal to never look again.

The only thing that has ever worked for me is a determined life of reading scripture, prayer, and becoming involved with our church. If you look at one of the other threads in this group today I spoke of what has worked for me.

It breaks my heart to hear of your situation and when I finish typing I will kneel and pray for you and your husband.

 

@Keki I can't imagine what you're going through, and I am really glad you are out here looking for answers. Saying it is unfortunate your husband is unwilling to take action feels like a gross understatement, am I right?

It sounds like your shock and pain is very fresh (this assertion is based on the limited information I have). From my experience with depression, I have found writing my thoughts down helped me make sense of them - it is actually a recognised therapy for depression, anxiety, and PTSD, among others. Are you recycling the same ideas around and around in your head, feeling like you want to scream or throw something, and the whole mess makes you feel sick? Start a journal thread here, pour it out here, scream it here. Keeping something like this inside will make you go crazy (I can speak from experience!). Writing it out will give you a sense of control, if only over your own thinking. I would highly, highly recommend this if you are not already doing it.

As to your question about porn blocking software,
Were you the porn user seeking out porn blocking software to keep yourself accountable and reduce access, I'd say the probability of success would be quite high. But as you are asking for it to impose it on another, it could have a positive effect or a negative one, and I'm not sure if there is a way tell beforehand if it will be one or the other. Waking up to find all kinds of sites blocked could be the wake-up call he needs and provoke him to action, or it could drive him away, make him resent you as he seeks new ways to feed his addiction. Sometimes men need a lock on the door for them to wake up and participate in their marriages, sometimes they see the lock and walk away. Also consider, if his phone is the main device he uses to access porn, you are going to have to wrest his phone away from him long enough to install porn-blockers on it.

Two things are clear to me:
Being a porn user myself, I know the only person who can make him want to quit porn is him. He is the only one with that ability. It's a bitch, I know. ...makes you want to slap the stupid out of someone, but that isn't how it works. He has to be the one to do it - all you can do is show him the effect of his actions, how it impacts you and makes you feel.
And the second is like it: the only person who can take care of how you are feeling is you. What actions or behaviours will lead to your long-term health, security, and happiness? I strongly suggest journalling is a good place to start, and you have already mentioned a counsellor, a pastor, and prayer. Finding out more about porn addiction through people's stories here or this TEDx talk would be a good next step, but your first step, again, should be more focused on you and your immediate needs.

I am really glad you are on here, Keki. Remember I'm pulling for you, we're all in this together.

 

I am glad to listen. Keep posting stuff to this forum, and drop me a pm if ever you need.

 

I know it might be a little late, but there is a helpful solution I can recommend. OpenDNS. It can be setup on your home internet for free, and has filtering to keep you out of trouble and snag attempts to get in trouble. It works even in incognito mode, and will cover your mobile devices as long as they are on WIFI. If you want some help getting it set up, message me directly, and I would consider it an honor to help.

 

AMEN!