PLEASE READ! Severe depression due to pmo use before puberty

Please read this, I have some questions and I feel very depressed over all of this.

I don’t really see a lot of people who say there use of PMO started at ages of 10 or earlier... I started at 8 and I thought I should share how it has effected my life.

So first I want to state that I am 18 years old, and I started to PMO around 8. It all started when an older cousin showed me a website full of naked women and this struck excitement in my private. I would dry hump my bed thinking about those images then I started to look the images up on the computer and this went on for awhile. I remember I started watching lesbian videos on YouTube after and this led to lesbian porn. I was watching lesbian porn for awhile till I started watching straight porn, and then somewhere down that road I started masturbating to release dopamine instead of sexual tension, and this led to me watching many things I wouldn’t watch now. This is all started around 8th grade, when I was 12-13 years old, normal porn got boring and I would search for things that were out of the ordinary, that provided me with a rush or adrenaline because of the taboo nature, I started watching porn like incest, rape and even sometimes watched gay porn, whatever gave me that “high”, I would pmo to it. Now in reality I never was interested in having sex with family, raping anybody, and I was especially not interested in men.

There was a reoccurring theme that always presented itself, while I would PMO to something considered taboo or wrong that would give me this rush of adrenaline, aka a dopamine High, after I would climax and sometimes even right before I climax, I would feel insanely repulsed and would have to think of something normal. After I would finish I would tell myself I would never watch it again.

This never affected my real life because I never thought any of it, actually it did effect my real life I just never noticed it. Eventually my brain got fixed on this taboo idea and it was the only thing that aroused me. Made me question myself in many different ways, the biggest and most torturous one being my sexuality, it felt like I was somebody I was not and I felt as if I was telling a lie. I made a commitment to quit pmo, but I couldn’t quit, I was only able to slow it down... after a year of slowing down my multiple pmo sessions a day to a pmo session about once every 8-15 days, my tastes had softened. It was a very slow progression, probably due to the fact that my highest streak was only 21 days. Somethings I noticed fast was the dopamine rush softened, and things like gay porn and rape became repulsive, I couldn’t watch gay porn for more then 10 seconds without being repulsed, and normal straight porn became amazing once again.

That was 3 years ago, and I have not been able to quit. For the first year after slowing down PMO I felt good, my natural attraction came back and I would get horny from just checking girls out and even caught strong feelings for one girl. Any questions related to my sexuality or me being a monster had faded, and I felt healthy and happy. This is when I would PMO maybe once or twice a week. I thought this was healthy but looking back, it was not.

Looking back in this time period of me thinking I was healthy, I would occasionally hook up with girls, and never did I have sex but I always got a blowjob, and I can’t lie it was always very boring and I never ejaculated, even though I get super horny around and while hooking up with these girls, I never was able to finish or feel satisfied. BUT EVERY SINGKE TIME THIS HAPPENED, I WENT HOME AND WOULD PMO, and Jesus Christ those were some of the best sessions I had, it was like unfinished business. I would watch videos and look for girls related to the ones I hooked up too, and these gave me that rush I wanted. About 6 months ago I started to PMO a lot more, slowly it became daily, then twice a day, and I started to notice me escalating to more extreme topics, this time to incest, then even deeper in fantasizing about my own mom. Now once again I find myself looking for videos of women who look like my mom and it gives me this huge rush, similar to back in the day when I would watch gay and rape, when I climax I’m disgusted. Similar to how I was never interested with being with guys or raping girls, I am absolutely not interested in my own mom...

I always had doubts about the past, whether it was porn related or just that I was young, but seeing how I’m climbing down the rabbit hole again shows me that porn has been in control this entire time.

I have been an addict my whole life, not too porn but to dopamine, my source for it was porn. My dopamine is overstimulated and it requires a taboo subject for it to be released, and that explains why when I slowed down my usage, my interest for softer porn became stronger, because the dopamine receptors must of healed a little and didn’t need a bigger shock to get off. I’ve even watched a couple beastialty videos in my time.

I just don’t know, now that I have climbed down this rabbit hole I feel I am doomed sexually forever. Most people I see on here started around 13-17 when I started around 7-8.... I’m scared, scared that even if I quit pmo I’ll never recover, that being gay, a rapist, attracted to my own mom, and attracted to animal shit will be stuck with me forever because of PMO.

In real life, I’ve never felt attracted to a men, I’ve seen many men naked and always thought it was disgusting, never did I have feelings for a guy either. Outside of porn I always found gay sex or gay intimacy to be repulsive. I’ve never wanted to rape anybody, never! I’ve seen my mom naked multiple times as a kid and I never thought it was sexy, always found it repulsive. Thinking of sex with my mom is repulsive.

For some reason I feel traumatized but what I have watched, it’s my fault, and I’m afraid that it is something I can’t fix. My only option is to quit pmo, but will that really change anything? I’ve integrated these things in my brain before puberty, I trained my brain to find these things stimulating in order for dopamine.

What else I have noticed is I’ve never once had a wet dream, never. This is obviously due to pmo but even through puberty I never had one.

I also can’t have a healthy relationship with a girl, I don’t want to do anything but hookup. I feel like putting in an ounce of my time in anything besides hooking up I’d wasting my time.

I need to quit cold turkey and never look back. I need to go through a flatline so my brain can rewire.

I have a few questions:

1. Am I screwed since I have been PMO my whole life, even if I quit will I truly rewire my brain since my brain was wired this way before puberty?

2. My urges are so strong sometimes I feel as if I can’t do anything but PMO, what do I do during these urges?

3. My brain is so warped from all the porn I have seen, is it really possible for dopamine to look for such perverted and twisted things to get off

4. Are my hookups with girls boring because of PMO?

5. When will a flatline occur, I know it’s impossible to predict but when does an average flatline occur in somebody’s journey?

6. What is a flatline like? What will I experience?

7. Overall thoughts of my story and if it is relatable.


I really hope somebody can answer my questions and help me, I’m freaking out and I have been dealing with severe anxiety for awhile now because of this.

I promise I quit, I’ll be back in 30 days to share how I feel.

 

You think too much and then you doubt your own thoughts, and then you think too much about your doubts about your thoughts which leads to doubts about thoughts that you started to doubt.
This just about described how I feel after reading what you wrote.

There is a difference between the goal and process of achieving the goal.
If you decided you need to go to Singapoure next week, you now have a goal and achieving that goal is simply creating a set of actions that must be taken to reach that goal.

You worry yourself with how hot the taxi will be on your way to the airport, or how impossible it is to get the money to afford a ticket. You are happy to ask questions about that.
But you have no plans to go anywhere. You have no goal. You are planing how you can prepare for a trip you have no plans to take.

You are making promises - I know you will not keep.
You are lying to yourself and you are lying to us. Why?

 

I wish I was confident enough in myself to say your wrong, but I am not.

How do I make this plan? How do I make goals?

All I want is my brain to rewire, for any distortion pmo has caused my brain to weaken and be destroyed, and the only way I know to achieve this is through quitting pmo.

 

So your goal is to do the following - rewire your brain for some distortion that weakened and destroyed it.

And you say I am wrong about you having no clue what you want.

Best of luck to you with fixing that distortion.

 

You misunderstood, I was saying I wish you were wrong in regards to me knowing what I was doing, or what were my plans were, but you aren’t wrong, that’s why I said I wish I could say you were wrong.

The reality is I don’t know what my plan is or how to achieve my goal. I don’t even understand what my goal really is.

 

Ok, I see.

Having a goal is like planing a trip to some destination that is far away. The process of getting there involves many steps, some of which you may not know.
However, if I ask you during any part of the trip - why are you here, your reply will be - am going to my destination.
So when you are walking to a buss stop, you are on your way to the destination.
When you are buying plane ticket - you are on your way to the destination.
When you have a destination in mind, specific steps you need to take become evident, but on their own they are useless.
It would be silly to get in to a taxi without destination in mind, but metaphorically speaking this happens allot.

People say - I will do noFap I will stop abuse of masturbation and pornography.
Ok....
Why?
Typically response is - well I think my life will be better.
Maybe it will be, maybe not, who knows.... We cant know because there is no destination in mind.

Worthy goals need allot of thought, something like - I want to respect myself and be respected by others, I want to be honest with myself and others, I want to be loved, respected, fulfilled and satisfied with my life every day. I want challenges that will help me grow, I want to help others.
If you agree with what is said above, then apply each one on to your life and see if you can honestly say "I respect myself" do others respect me? Why not? How do I fix that

As strange as it sounds religious teaching such as ones described in the Bible present a set of guidelines that help the individual frame his lifes goals and do so in a rigid moral framework depicted in stories and examples.
So many people drop religion calling it outdated, but fail to replace it with something else, loosing all moral guidance religion provides in the process.
Religion exists not to worship God, it exists to help people find their way, because so many are lost.
God is an ideal - some distant perfect version of all of us, path to becoming that is a worthy goal, and so religion shows us what to do - work hard to become the best person you can be.

 

The goals you have stated do apply to me but after thinking about it seriously, my main goal is to go through a full reboot so that my sexual tastes can return to what they were before. I want to be able to walk around with confidence like I used to, I want to respect women as if they are not objects. I want to lust for love, not sex.

After thinking, my plan for this consists of many things. Firstly and most important avoid all PMO, avoid artificial stimulation at all costs and also try my best to avoid imagining it.

I want to rewire my brain to return to my normal attractions, and to do this I must rewire it to understand what love is and this should be done my learning to respect women for being people, and think of sex as a way to show love or to reproduce, not for my own sexual pleasure.

I also think to achieve my goal I must start eating cleaner, and getting an adequate amount of sleep. I will figure out a plan for my diet and work on adjusting myself to a sleep cycle that consists of 7-9 hours of sleep and at appropriate times.

I will continue to play sports as I am in good shape and I exercise daily.

I will look to go out with my family and friends more, as I believe this is important for a healthy happy lifestyle.

In order to achieve the goal I believe I must focus is school and ace my classes. I need to learn more everyday and expand my knowledge.

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I believe the main goal can be achieved if all my “plans” or side goals are followed correctly.


Is this what you mean by making goal and plans?